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I look up from my corner of the room to see you staring at me, staring at me with a look of interest. I seem to please you by the way you smirk. I smirk back at you, not be because you amuse me - in fact your a little hideous. You have these bloodshot eyes and tattered clothes, that even though I see you behind bars, I feel bad for you. You look ill and I pity you. I actually pity you. Strange. You look really tired and exhausted but still you smile at me easily.
You look at me like I am a monkey at the zoo, or maybe an owl. I tell you this. You ask me why an owl and I say why not. At this moment in time, I can’t tell if you will be my neighbour or if you are just visiting my neighbour. The closer I get to you, you smell awful. I screw my nose up at you.
You laugh at me, a large snort that make me shy away. You should be my neighbour. I sit a few feet in front of you and give you a wide smile. You smile back at me, this time sincerely. You take a seat like I do and I can’t help but warm up to you. You’re actually quite nice, but you smell rancid. I’m sorry, well actually you should be sorry, for letting anyone smell something that is going to make anyone sick. I decide that i’ll breath through my mouth for the rest of our conversation.
I haven’t had a real conversation in ages, and with that I want to hold your attention for a little longer. They think I’m insane and that the only conversation I need is myself. This isn’t true. You ask me how I am doing and my heart melts, like butter. No one asks me how I am doing. Not even him, he probably doesn’t even care, but I’m not gonna reveal all my scars at this moment in time, you haven’t revealed yours.
And to your question, I answer honestly. I’m not okay. I’m scared. I’m going insane. I am not insane, presently and finally I’m not a monster. I may have lost myself but sitting here, I think I have found myself. I think, I may now know who I am and what I want and this, sitting here, this isn’t it.
You ask me what I mean. I like your voice. I like the way that your left eyebrow raises as you ask me. I like the way you cock your head to the side like a dog. I like that you care. I like the way you look at me now, not as those others do, who refuse to give me my shoelaces, like the old me, the one who was a nice guy and loved his jobs because he thought he was making a difference in the end, but was blinded by naivety. He thought he could do anything with his badge, but that wasn’t true. He tried to save everyone but not himself.
My hands are stuck around me, like I’m constantly cold. I have bare feet and I wiggle my toes in the cold air. You pester me to answer your question and even repeat it for me, “What do you mean?” Again your head cocks to the side and I smile.
“I want to make a difference. I don’t want to make tidal waves, just small waves,” You smile at my answer and agree with me. You tell me if everyone made a small wave in the world, then it would add up into a large tsunami that would overthrow the world. You tell me that a wave catches onto another to make a large wave. So if I make a difference for someone then they would do the same for another and the chain starts.
I like that.
I like that a lot.
I like that idea of a simple thing turning into large thing.
I was doing it the wrong way.
I was trying to make tidal waves, all on my own. And in the end I barely got a wave. I tried so hard in the end it was barely a wave. There was a crash and that crash was be hitting rock bottom and sinking further until I ended here.
“What got you here?” You ask me. I gulp. I contemplate telling you. But you cocked your head to the side and you seem generally concerned, so I tell you to get comfy and then I begin my story.
SOME TIME AGO
Maybe I should start with an introduction, I’m Bokuto Kotorou. I was 23 at the time. I was a police officer, I was more of a detective police officer.
Life was good.
Of course, I had my life in control, I had a wonderful boyfriend and a great partner. My boyfriend, he was the best. He understood me. He got me, when I never did. When I was low, he found a way to pull be back. He was the one that saved me the first time from myself and I was certain I was good and I was.
I was in my living room with my boyfriend curled into his side and we were watching TV. He was comfortable and I was more that comfortable on the couch with him. He had his head on my shoulder and I could feel his slightly curly dark brown hair at my neck. His hair was always soft. I loved running my hands when we were...never mind.
The movie was pretty decent, I remember chuckling and he would do the same, his body shaking against me as he laughed. He has this really nice laugh. It’s quiet, like he’s afraid to laugh but it’s the cute titter that maked me smile. It always made me smile.
He suddenly stopped cold when his phone vibrated in the pocket closest to my leg. He reached down to get it and looked at the caller ID, not showing me the screen and pressed answer before stalking off into my bedroom. I could hear him mutter in my bedroom. I couldn’t make out a word that he said but it didn’t sound good. I found myself getting to my feet and sneaked into my room and snaked my hands around his waist and pulled his body closer into me. I kissed his neck and he let’s out a small moan and I kissed it again and again. He moved his left hand over his head and grabbed hold of my hair and tugged softly and I continued to kiss his neck hungrily.
The attention that he gave me, sent shivers down my spine. Just the soft tugs of my hair made me go wild. He knew I loved it. I knew that he loved me when he did this. He had an important call but had some of his attention on me.
“Yes. I understand...oh god,” he moaned as one of my hands dipped into the waistband of his boxers and I stroked him. He shuddered into the touch and his body was flat against me as he continued to talk on the phone, “Sorry. The news is on. Poor kitten found dead in rubbish bin. How cruel. Yes, this is a chance in a lifetime. Thank you for the opportunity,” Akaashi is a vet. He’s a good vet.
He hanged up and threw his phone down onto the bed and turned round to face me and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. It was soft and gentle. It was bliss. It was love. And that was what scared me. I felt my face fall, my hands retract and I was worried. I felt like I was shaking violently, like he was going to tell me that he hates me. I could just feel something bad was going to happen. I think it was the sad look in his eyes, though he was smiling at me, his eyes were sad.
“Sit down,” He demanded softly and I take a seat on the edge of the bed and he did the same, sitting next to me. He took a hold of my hand, like you would when delivering bad news. “That was Machiro Tsubaki,” his manager. “There is a job in Bulgaria that needs a vet to teach others to be a vet and to save animals lives. I need to take this job. You know this is a great opportunity,” he told me. My head lowered and I shook it slowly. I didn’t want to cry but that seems like where it was heading. I didn’t want to cry. I was forcing myself not to cry. I kept telling myself to stay strong. I bit my lip and looked up at him with my golden eyes. He smiled softly at me and leaned in to kiss my lips. I didn’t lean in for his kiss. I pulled away. I don’t know why I leaned away. The sadness or the fact that sweaty tears were trickling down my face and dripping onto my hand.
“I was going to ask you to move in with me. I thought we were heading in that direction. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you away,” I felt myself say. I didn’t know why I said it, but none of it was a lie. More tears trailed down my face as I spoke. I didn’t want him to see me cry but I couldn't pull myself to look away. I stared into him hoping that he was joking or find that loved he had for me, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see anything.
“That’s not the case. I love you, dumbass and yes, I want to live with you,” My house is better than his for the record.. “So when I’m done in Bulgaria, I’ll will move my stuff out and move in with you. Don’t forget that I love you,” he leaned in again and softly kissed my cheek. He kissed my salty tears but didn’t say anything. His lips felt hot against my tear streaked face.
I turned my head away from his kisses and he let out a sigh.
“What me to leave?”
“For tonight yes,” I spoke. Akaashi nodded and stood up. He made his way to the front door and left, grabbing his jacket and putting his shoes on before he went.
I sat there for a few more moments before I lay on my back and I shut down. And I think that was the time my life started to fall apart. Imagine standing on a large cliff, right at the edge, your feet were inches off. The cliff is jaggy and the bit you stood on was like a small pier, protruding out of the cliff. Under my feet the ground started to crack. I knew it did as it sent vibrations up my back. But the problem was no one realised the cracks or the cliff or the fall until I fell and hit rock bottom.
I remember waking up the next day to someone shaking me. He was shouting my name, thinking I had relapsed but I never. He continued to shake me until my eyes fluttered open and I found myself staring at a pair of piercing yellow eyes.
I sat up slowly and look at the intruder in my bedroom, it wasn't my boyfriend. It was my partner, it was Kuroo. He sat on the bed next to me and looked at me with concern. He handed me a coffee cup and a paper bag, “Breakfast. Eat. Get dressed. We need to go,” I don't remember much of the next part, I remember getting into his car, dressed and with the coffee in my hands.
“So what happened last night?” Kuroo asked as he started to drive. He puts on his dark framed glasses and turned to look at me briefly then eyes back to the road.
“Keiji is going to Bulgaria to help others learn to be vets so they can rescue animals,” I watched as Kuroo’s lip thinned as he thinks of something. And I knew what he was thinking. He is always thinking about it. He is always worried. I took a sip of my coffee and leaned my head back.
“I was going to ask him to move in with me and yet he thinks it better to run of playing the hero,” My voice wavered as I spoke and I cursed myself for sounding so weak. He didn’t want to live with me. He knew I'm damaged or was damaged with a bit of glue holding me together. He didn’t understand that he is the glue holding me together.
“He loves you. He does want to move in. But for him to help out and make a difference in the world by teaching others to save animals is a great opportunity for him. He'll be back soon and when he is, he'll be yours. He'll be sleeping next to you every night. He will kiss you on the lips and tell you goodnight and that he loves you. Until then you'll just have to be brave and accept that he will be gone. Remember when you left high school to join the police. He was still at school. It will be like that and you survived. Everything will be okay,” Kuroo tried to encourage me, and I knew he meant well. He always did. But I just couldn’t see a positive thing with him leaving.
Kuroo stopped the car and pulled the speaker that allows him to communicate to the outside world, “Sir, with the blue shirt and the bagel, approach the vehicle,” Kuroo called out. I didn’t bother to look and sipped on my coffee as my window rolled down and the gentlemen leaned into the car.
“Hey Kuroo,” the gentlemen whispered. “Hey Koutarou. I finish at 5 today. I’m going to come round and we can talk. I’ll make you something nice to eat. Be in for half 5, okay,” I looked up to the sound of the voice to see Akaashi standing there with a smile. He leaned into the car and caught my lips with his own. I didn't move to kiss him back. I just sat there in my own world.
“Alright, I’ll see you at yours then,” he kissed me one more time and walked away with his bagel still in hand. I don’t know why I didn’t move. I felt paralyzed. Kuroo started the car up and drove us to the main office in the center of Tokyo.
I remember very little about the days at work, the things that spring to mind is a case that came through that day. I was sitting with another coffee in my hand when Kuroo stalked through with a piece of paper that describes the crime. I don’t remember what it said. I remember there was a domestic abuse with a husband. The other husband had been killed with the deceased's daughter standing in the corner to watch.
I remember walking to the crime scene, at this point it was because of screams of domestic abuse and a little girl crying. Kuroo and I walked towards the house. I knocked first, shouting it was the police. No answer. I knocked again louder and louder. And I heard small footsteps approach.
The door swung open and a small girl around 8 years old, stood there with tears in her eyes. She looked tired and terrified and was shaking. Kuroo was always better at dealing with children. He crouched in front of her and held his hand out and she came closer to him. “Hey sweetie. I’m detective Kuroo. And this goofy looking male is detective Bokuto. What's up your name?” He asked her.
“Chihiro,”
“Chihiro. What a lovely name. Chihiro, we got a call earlier about shouting that went on earlier. May we come in?” Chihiro nodded and held her hand for Kuroo and led her inside. Kuroo walked in first and gestured for me to follow. Chihiro led Kuroo and I into the living room where a male lay on the ground. I rushed over to his aid and found he was not breathing. He was dead. From the looks of it, it was due to do a knock to the head. He had a large gash on his head that may had crushed his skull.
Chihiro shook and Kuroo pulled her in closer until her shaking stopped, “Have you ridden in a police car?” Kuroo asked the girl. She shook her head. Kuroo got me to take photos of the man before the ambulance arrived to take him away. I had reported it when I saw him lying there.
“Chihiro, who was this done by?”
“Papa,” She muttered.
“He did it to himself?”
“Daddy was hit by Papa. Papa was angry at him. Papa is always angry. Daddy says he's stressed. Papa came home today drunk and Daddy asked him about it. Papa got angry. They were fighting again and then Papa pushed Daddy into the glass table and then struck him on the head. He then told me he was going and rushed away.”
“Bokuto. Go do some sniffing,” Kuroo asked me, so I headed up the stairs in search of clues. I'm good at finding leads. I found a laptop. That's the best start. Laptop’s have so much data and information so I snatched that up. I heard Kuroo downstairs talking to someone. I looked out the window to see an ambulance parked outside along with a nosy neighbour standing outside trying to work out what has happened.
They amuse me. Everyone is always curious when a police car and ambulance have rolled into their street. I walk down the stairs and to the person outside. She is an elderly woman, harmless, “Excuse me ma’am,” I asked her politely. That was key. People spoke more when you thought you were trustworthy. Obviously we are, but still the kind approach worked better. “Did you put a call in today about a domestic dispute?”
The elderly woman nodded.
“I was worried someone may have gotten hurt. They are lovely guys. Always kind. They help me a lot. Takahiro does a lot more of the helping,” her voice was frail and she had mumbled a bit, probably due to her false teeth falling out.
“Takahiro would be which man? Chihiro has told us about ‘daddy’ and ‘papa ’ so which one is Takahiro?” The elderly woman pauses for a second.
“Daddy. Daddy is Takahiro. Papa is Junichi,” she informed me. That was a great help. I then knew the name of the person I was looking for. Junichi.
“Tell me about them. Maybe we could have a cup of tea,” the elderly lady agreed and walked into the house and I followed. She was kind and was telling me stories of the partnership between the two.
After a good half hour of her speaking and me questioning her, I moved back to the house where Kuroo was waiting for me with Chihiro. She had a suitcase with her. “You will have Chihiro for tonight. I can't get a hold of anyone to take her in,” Kuroo informed me. “Kenma and I have plans tonight so you can look after her,” From the look of it, Chihiro was already aware of her sleeping situation for that night and was okay with it.
I wasn't that fussed. So after more paperwork, Kuroo dropped me off with Chihiro following behind. She stood close to me as I walked up my apartment steps. It was about half 6. With the new case, it took a lot out of me. I wanted to know where Junichi had gown. I needed a lead. I needed to talk to him. I needed to help Takahiro somehow.
From what the elderly lady had told me, Junichi had a good job as an accountant. He was made redundant. He needed money, so he took out a loan. He couldn’t pay them off so he went to the bar with the money he had left and wasted it. He got addicted quickly. He took money from the elderly woman, saying it was for the sharks, but it was for the bar instead. She was always told it was to help Chihiro out. Everyone fell for the child card. Everyone would help if a child was involved.
I walked into my apartment with Chihiro standing behind me. When I walked in, my dining table was set for two, with two place mats. There was two glasses of wine, one white and one rose. I drank rose only. White was disgusting and red was bitter. I walked further in to see Akaashi sitting on my couch, looking at a small box. He was calculating stuff in his head before he turned to look at me with a frown.
“You’re late, I told you to come home earlie-,” He stopped and turned to see the girl behind me, “Who’s this?” he asked moving towards the little girl.
“This is Chihiro. She’s staying here for tonight. I can’t say anymore,” Akaashi walked over to me and crouched down to look at the little girl.
“Hi, I’m Akaashi. Welcome. I never knew we would have a guest. So what would you like to eat.” Akaashi had asked her. He was good at talking to anyone. Adult, children, elderly. He could talk to them, with ease.
“She can have some of mine,” I said to Akaashi and moved the stool to the table and helped her sit down onto the chair. Akaashi pulled the two plates from the oven which he must have used to keep them warm and sat them down then pulled out another plate for Chihiro. I emptied a portion into her plate and we digged in quietly.
All that was heard was the sound of chewing and the chopsticks hitting the bowl. We were having Ramen. I looked to Akaashi who looked quite sad, like he wanted to discuss something with me, “How was your day?” I asked him to break the miserable silence.
“Yeah, fine. We were discussing my plans to move to Bulgaria. It’s quite urgent and want me away as soon as. So I’m leaving on Saturday night,” Akaashi spoke quietly into his meal. I let out a sigh but nodded my head.
“Have fun,” was all I could say. If I said anymore, I may have burst into tears. It was Thursday, so he was leaving the day after tomorrow. I just couldn’t deal with it. I thought I could. It never dawned on me on how much I loved him.
It was only when he left did I realise that I loved him. We sat in more awkward silence then after dinner, we put on a movie and I found myself snuggling into Akaashi’s side, into his body. He had his arm around my body and was stroking my hip bone as we watched the TV. He would lean into me and would kiss my shoulder, then my neck and then my cheek.
He knew this relaxed me. He knew that when he did this I unravel. I remember lifting my neck up and he would kiss me more, more tender. My hands curled into his and he continued to kiss with Chihiro sitting on the other end of the couch, eyes glued to the screen while blushing deeply.
“Sorry,” Akaashi breathed out.
“It’s okay. Daddy and Papa did that often. It’s nice seeing it again,” Akaashi stopped kissing me after her words but we resumed to cuddle for the rest of the movie, his head resting against my shoulder
I remember, going to bed that night. I brushed my teeth and was sitting on my bed. Akaashi had gotten a bed for Chihiro and said goodnight to her. He entered my room afterwards with a frown then walked over to my side of the bed and held up a box of tablets.
“The last time I saw you take this was three days ago, and there is the same amount since then. Why aren’t you taking your medication?” He hissed at me quietly. He threw the box down and was straddling my hips with me sitting up anyway. He ran his fingers through my hair and then slouched his head on my shoulder.
“Please take your medication. I don’t want to worry about you while I’m away. Promise me?” I nodded. It was the obvious thing to do. He smiles and pushed me down onto the bed and he kissed me softly on the lips.
“I’m going to miss you so much. I need to focus so please take your meds,” I nodded and reached up to kiss him. He kissed me back. And well…you can guess what happens. I’m not gonna tell you that.
The next morning, I woke to someone touching my back. It was a jab in the shoulder, again and again with hissing, “What?” I could already tell who it was. I knew who would poke me like that while I slept.
“Wake up. We have work,” I open my eyes to see that I had slept on Akaashi’s bare chest all night and maybe even drooled on him. We were both naked and I would have lay my head back down and fall asleep against him because he was leaving the next day/
“I’m up. Step out to let me dress,” He did as I asked and I got dressed into my work clothes and stepped into the living room to see Kuroo on the couch eating my porridge with Chihiro. Two hands snuck around my waist and I turned to see Akaashi with my dressing gown on and smiled tiredly at me. He kissed me on the lips and then waddled back to my bedroom to sleep for a little while longer.
Kuroo put his bowl in the sink and lead the two of us to the car. Chihiro got in the back seat while we took the front, “How was date night with Kenma?” I asked to break the silence.
“It was good. We watched movie, had a bath and watched more movies in bed,” he said as he went into the glove compartment and pulled out his driving glasses.
“You struck out,” I laughed. Kuroo huffed at me. The thing with Kenma is that he’s not big on doing that. He may suggest it later on but he never really wants it and Kuroo is kind of awesome that he doesn’t mind and they do all this other romantic stuff together anyway. I knew that he is awesome, but I still had to make fun of him. So I did. I would say he struck out and he got all riled up and tell me about Kenma more.
Apparently that night, Kenma as feeling a little hot but he had mentioned it earlier to his work friends and they had spooked him into sex positions that freaked him completely and he just shut down. Kenma is apart of the team that designs programs. He does the graphics for some. We have met plenty of times before hand.
Kenma gets freaked out by me, I think it’s the hair or my eyes, but he’s not a fan, especially when I’m more manic. He hides like a child when I’m around, but he’s a great guy. He calms Kuroo down and they are this cute domestic pair.
They do stupid things like cook, read or just go for stupid long walks together. I liked the stories I’d hear from Kuroo about the walks. Kenma moved in with Kuroo not too long ago and was a huge step for him. He wasn’t comfortable at first because that could mean sleeping together every night.
Kuroo made space for him and made an extra bedroom that Kenma could have if needed space but was more than welcome to sleep in his bed. From what Kuroo has told me, Kenma suffers bad social anxiety. I feel for him. I always have.
We got to the police station and we walk down the halls plastered in wanted sheets, holiday notices and other nonsense. I walked into Kuroo’s and mines office and took a seat. I logged onto my computer and checked my emails.
I got one of my team members to do some research for me and they replied with a phone number. I called the number on my screen and a woman answered. Just as I was wanting.
“Kinichi-san speaking,” she mumbled into the line.
“Hello,” I spoke formal on the phone as it made me seem more convincing. Don’t ask, It’s what I did., “Kinichi-san. This is Bokuto-san, I’m calling to ask if you are the mother of a child called Chihiro,” The said girl in the corner lifted her head up when she heard her name. I gave her a small smile then returned my head back to the screen.
“I did indeed. She chose to live with my ex-husband though. If she has gotten into trouble then talk to him,” she snarled at me over the phone.
“And that would be Takahiro, correct?” She made this noise on the phone that sounded like a yes. “Well the thing is that Takahiro was killed yesterday morning and your child is now homeless,” I spoke calmly onto the phone, even though if I was in Chihiro’s position I’d be freaking out.
“She has Junichi. She considers him more of a parent than me,” Kinichi moaned at me. She really didn’t want to deal with her own child.
“Yes, well it is believed that Junichi is the one to murder Takahiro, so we won’t be doing so. I am calling to see if you will take custody of your daughter,” In the end the mother agreed to it and Chihiro was picked up later on from the woman and was driven away.
I sat at my computer for long time, trying to find a lead to the case. I needed something to find this guy. I told Kuroo I’m going after a lead when I just went for a walk. I knew Junichi’s face well by this point. I knew it well. He had this oval shaped head, with large brown eyes. He had small-ish lips and a puggy like nose. He was really pale skinned. He had crows feet at the edge of his eyes when he laughed. His hair was a dark caramel colour and was greying at the sides.
I walked into a bar, and towards the bartender and asked if the picture I held up had walked in. He had told me he had but not in while. I asked lots of bars the same question. I asked about him a lot. I wanted to know where he was. I wanted to know more about him. I needed to find a lead to help Chihiro and Takahiro.
I wanted to understand how he worked. That was the way to know where he was but to no avail. Every place was just a dead end. I got jigsaw piece of Junichi but I was missing so many pieces to fit anything truly together.
I went home that night with Kuroo beside me. He had invited himself over, so we lay on my couch drinking beers and watching some show. I hadn’t seen Akaashi since I had left that morning and I was too drunk too remember if he came to visit me or not. I had hoped he had visited me but then again, I wasn’t in a decent state, I know this because the next day I had this raging headache and didn’t want to wake. I had slept with Kuroo. We had shared my bed. It was platonic. Nothing like I had done with Akaashi the night before but that was the thing.
The night my boyfriend left for Bulgaria, I had someone to replace him and it made me angry. I was back on that cliff and there was another crack, thicker this time and slowly getting bigger. It was going under my feet like a spider web, getting large and larger but the platform I stood on stayed still.
I went to work the next day, and the day after that on the hunt for this man. I was certain I was losing it. My hair was sticking up more than it usually does. I hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten but I was determined to get this guy. My days were spent with me on the hunt for this guy and then my nights were spent with my hating myself for Akaashi leaving me. I know -now- that he hadn’t left me, that he was doing something worthwhile but at that time I didn’t care, I was certain that I had drove him away. I had sent him to Bulgaria because he no longer loved me.
Kuroo started to visit me more, coming round and we would drink a lot. Kenma never minded, though I can’t say for sure. That was what Kuroo had told me. The more I spent with Kuroo the more I regretted it. I regretted him spending time with me, I regretted enjoying it. I was certain that I couldn’t have fun when I had sent away the only person who would take a bullet for me.
I was certain that I didn’t want to be happy, so I drank more and more and more and more, filling me up with that acid. I don’t want to say too much about what happened when Kuroo left. It wasn’t good and if they knew what I did it would make them worry about me again and I didn’t need their sympathy. It gave me the release I needed, the sudden gratification that I needed but it was never enough. It was never ever enough.
Days began to fade into the one, I don’t remember sleeping through them. I don’t remember waking up. I don’t even know if I did sleep. I was good at acting. Well it wasn’t acting, I was convinced that I was alright. That the pain I felt was what I deserved. I deserved to suffer and I was alright with that. I had lost the only love of my life.
One night, I was in the living room, the knife in my hand, blood already pouring down my wrist, down my fingertips, onto my floor, Kuroo burst through the door and looked to me, to the knife, to the blood on my wrist and to the floor stained with my blood.
He swore angrily and rushed to me none the less, he grabbed the knife from me and threw it towards the kitchen with a large thud. He had tears in his eyes, it was the second time that I had seen him cry. He looked awful as he stared at me, like I had died, like I was a ghost, maybe that wasn’t off. I was the shell of Bokuto, he no longer knew the person facing him now. It was like a new person completely.
Kuroo touched my hand and rushed me into the bathroom and was rinsing my wrist under a gush of cold water. I was still wearing my uniform. “We have an issue,” He grabbed bandages and was rushing me to the car. Everything was just hectic. I knew from the look on Kuroo’s face that he had failed me. He had realised that I had relapsed and that he was blaming himself.
Even now he worries about me. The first thing he asks is if I have taken my medication and even asks the nurse who has given them to me if I took them or not.
I was in his car and was tying my wrist up under Kuroo’s command. He was driving incredibly fast. Our blue lights were screaming above us as he drove crazily down the streets. He was still swearing under his breath as he drove angry, furious but I wasn’t sure at what. Was it at me or the emergency we had to attend to.
Kuroo drove for a good ten minutes at a speed that should have killed us no doubt. We stopped at this house where other police cars were. Kuroo rushed in first with me behind and we charged in to see Chihiro being held by Junichi with a knife at her throat. She looked terrified and so was I. On the ground lay her mother, dead. There had been another victim because I was useless. I could remember me yelling at myself for being useless. I had failed as a cop. I was useless. I remember my heart breaking as Chihiro looked at me. She was vulnerable. I had sworn to protect people like her, but she stood in front of me shaking with her crazy father with a blade to her throat.
“Don’t hurt her,” I tried to reason with him. I wanted no more blood spilt from this case. “Please. Junichi. You don’t want to kill her. She’s your daughter. She may not be my blood but she’s yours. Don’t do this to her. She needs you in her life. You need her. Stop. We can get you help,” I called out to him. He looked ill now. His eyes were grey and his face was saggy. He looked thin. I had failed him to. I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t help him from his worries. There was two deaths now because of him. I failed to help him.
“I need money!” He screamed out to me. His voice was raw. He almost sounded crazy. What did crazy sound like? It sounded like me. His voice was chaotic. He was shouting, he sort of snorted as he spoke. He kind of looked crazy too.
“We can help you. You can get help! You can get help!” I kept repeating. He could go through therapy, he could get help with his alcohol addiction. He could be saved. He could face a lesser sentence. He could be out with Chihiro again if he was proved okay. He could live a better life if he didn’t do anything drastic now.
“I need money!” He continued to scream at me. He stopped when he saw blood dripping down my hand, down my fingertips onto the carpet. He laughed at me demanded that I stepped closer, Kuroo stuck an arm out to hold me back but I stepped closer to Junichi. He smiled wickedly at me and swung his knife down on my arm where I was bleeding. A new wound opened up but I didn’t care. I jumped onto the man, I was trying to pin the man down, get the knife away from him. I’m not sure what happened, but I saw more red. I heard screams, painful screams and I watched as Chihiro fell.
The cliff that I stood on shattered, into many pieces I had nowhere to go and straight under me I fell far, into this darkness that I don’t I could climb out alone. I would need help. I had fell and kept falling.
Chihiro was dead was the last sane thing I had thought for that day. The next thing I knew, I was beating him senseless. I was beating him for killing innocent people, I was beating him for my mistakes. I was beating him because I had failed to save him and Chihiro. I failed at being a boyfriend. I failed at being a cop. I failed Kuroo. I failed Kenma. I failed everyone. Junichi fell to the ground but I kept punching, I kept going, my fist knocking into his head. I kept punching him, blood was shooting out of him. Someone might have been shouting at me to stop but I never did. I kept pounding into him until I was stopped.
I remember hearing a bang and then my arm going numb. I had been shot. I remembered turning to see Kuroo with a gun smoking from recently been fired. He stepped closer to me and he must have knocked me out.
The next thing I knew I was here, being a danger to myself and society. They took my shoelaces away and my clothes. At the beginning my arms were allowed to move but as I kept hitting them as they tried to keep giving me injections and I found away to harm myself, they put me in a jacket and I was under surveillance. I didn’t have any visitors for a while. They waited until I could behave myself.
Kuroo had visited some time ago and showed me a box of tablets that had the same amount of pills in it since Akaashi had left. He never knew that I had stopped taking those pills. I never realised either nor did I care that I never took them. He had realised the night Chihiro and Junichi had died that I had relapsed but never realised that I had stopped taking my medication.
He sat with me for a while and even kissed my lips. He didn’t mean in anything by it. It was platonic. I loved Kuroo and he loved me (as in my best friend) and he was reassuring me. He was crying as he apologised for shooting me. He was scared and angry and I could never hate him. He told me he was sorry for failing me. He hadn’t seen the signs. He showed have helped me. He wondered but never pressed into it. Kenma had asked about me, when I was falling. He had realised but Kuroo had defended me saying that I was fine, when I wasn’t.
I don’t know when Kuroo was here, maybe a week ago. I lost track of time long ago. Everything is just a blur. There is always a light on, I can sleep fine with the light on and I have never seen the outside since that night, but for some reason I’m okay with that.
You look at me with tears in your eyes and I smile softly at you. You smile at me harder until more tears were falling down your cheek. You sit closer to the bars and reach a hand out and grab my left hand where I had cut myself. I never told you where it was but you knew. How come?
You look at me with a sad smile and then your eyes meet mine. You reach up to touch my cheek and softly stroke it, “Do you not remember me?” You ask me with a sad voice. I shake my head slowly but as I do I start to see you more clearly, your short curly hair, your golden beautiful eyes. Your small cute lips. I smile softly at you and you do the same, more sincere this time. I could see the love you have for my in your tear filled eyes.
You’re back.