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When Charlie marries Frank, he feels really happy. Really safe. Really secure. Really loved. He and Frank can keep doing the things they usually do, but now all the shitty "real world" stuff is under their control. Charlie doesn't have to worry about health insurance and Frank doesn't have to worry about anyone pulling the plug on him.
But after they leave the marriage store, Charlie notices a change in Frank. Frank becomes really snappy. Really angry. Really jittery. Really jumpy. He recoils if Charlie unexpectedly touches him. He chastises Charlie if he accidentally says something suggestive. He practically sits on the arm of the couch when they’re watching TV. And their bed situation is especially problematic. Frank teeters on the very edge of the bed, even falling onto the floor a few times much to Charlie's horror.
Things come to a head at Dennis' bachelor party. Charlie wants to "make it rain" for the strippers and asks Frank for some cash. Pre-gay-married Frank would give Charlie a pretty good amount of money, no questions asked. But post-gay-married Frank not only gives Charlie a measly $10, he makes out like Charlie is just taking, taking, taking from Frank and not giving anything to their relationship. This pisses Charlie off so much, he gives the money back to Frank and doesn't talk to him the entire time.
***
When they get back to their apartment and Charlie has cooled down some, he realizes that he doesn't want to keep going down this dark path with Frank.
"Frank, let's do something to put the spark back in our relationship."
Frank frowns. "Don't say that. That's creepy."
Charlie sighs. "But when we were at the strip club, you told that stripper lady that we were gay-married and you had me show my marriage stuff to her..."
"But that was to get a cheaper lap dance. That's different."
Charlie rolls his eyes. He'll just have to bite his tongue and continue with his plan.
"I know it's kinda late, but do you wanna get some beer ‘n’ pizza and watch the third Police Academy movie?"
Frank smiles and clasps his hands together. "Okay. Let’s do it.”
Charlie smiles back at Frank, certain that this night is gonna Windex their relationship so it’s sparkly and shiny again.
***
Charlie wakes up on the dirty, lukewarm floor of their apartment. A heavy, sweaty Frank is resting on top of him. Both of them are naked. At first, Charlie is horrified and a lot of weird thoughts flash through his head, but then he realizes more than likely they just happened to fall asleep that way. No big deal.
Charlie has to pee so he tries to move from under Frank without him noticing. But Frank notices. He flings himself away from Charlie like a scared baby lizard.
Frank is shaking. "Charlie, what the hell is going on?!"
"Frank, calm down."
"I'm not calmin’ down 'til you tell me what's going on!"
"I don't really remember."
"Try an' remember, Charlie! We need to remember what happened!"
"Okay, okay. Jeez." Charlie brings his knees to his chest and tries to pull memories from his hazy mind.
"I remember...I remember playing Night Crawlers with you. I got this idea that we should do it naked because that's more realistic since real Night Crawlers don’t wear clothes. You were really out of it, so you went along with it."
"Is that all that happened?"
"Yeah. Wait. No? Oh yeah! I ended up huffing way too much glue and I started worrying about marriage spoiling me for the Waitress. I tried to taste my skin to see if I was getting spoiled but I couldn't tell if my skin tasted weird, so I started freaking out and I asked you to taste my skin to see if—"
"What the hell, Charlie?! You made me taste you?!"
"Frank, you only tasted the back of my hand. The back of a person's hand is not gay."
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Nothing's wrong with me, Frank! You need to—"
"How did you end up under me?"
"I don't know. I think we just fell asleep that way."
"We just fell asleep that way?!"
"Yeah! Sometimes you wake up with your leg on me, or I wake up with my leg on you! It's not weird for this to happen when we're sleeping together!"
"We are not sleeping together, Charlie! Don't you dare say it!"
"Frank, you know what I mean! It's not weird for us to fall asleep like this is all I'm saying."
Frank takes a deep breath. "Charlie, is that all that happened?"
"Frank, nothing happened."
"How do you know for sure?"
"I guess...I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure nothing happened. I'm not gay and you're not the Waitress."
Frank scratches his chin. "We need to get a divorce."
Charlie feels his heart drop. "No, we don't, Frank. Chill out."
"Don't tell me to chill out when you're the one who screwed up!"
Charlie can feel anger building inside of him but he is not going to let it control him. He is not going to let Frank continue to mess up their relationship. "Frank, let's just drop it, okay? We need to get dressed and go to Paddy's."
Frank just stares at Charlie like he's an alien.
"Come on, Frank. Let's just go to the bar and clear our heads, okay?"
Frank frowns. Sighs. "Okay."
***
While walking to the bar, they don't talk. Charlie can feel Frank's weird energy, but he hopes that Frank can keep a lid on it. He can't.
He tells Charlie that he's useless. He tells Charlie that he brings nothing to the table. He tells Charlie that he's screwed up in the head. Charlie tries to brush off Frank's words, but his armor is already severely damaged. One more word and Frank will destroy his armor. Destroy his heart. So, Charlie blows up at him.
Charlie screams, "Shut up! Don't take your shit out on me just 'cause you feel like crap!"
Frank yells back. "Don't snap at me, Charlie!"
And they carry that anger-hurt into the bar, making sure to keep silent about the "Night Crawlers Incident," making sure to argue about anything but that. They already receive enough grief about their relationship and they aren't dumb enough to make themselves an even bigger target.
Charlie is outside of himself as he yells at Frank. From his floaty place above himself and his friends, he is finally able to see. He is finally able to put together that 5,000-piece puzzle. Frank isn't trying to be mean. He isn't trying to hurt Charlie. The marriage is hurting Frank. The marriage is changing Frank.
Even though Charlie feels like he's somewhat responsible for their marriage crumbling, he knows that he can't blame himself. It's just a thing that Frank can't handle. And if Frank can't handle it, Charlie doesn't want to handle it. So, even though Charlie feels kinda raw and broken, he agrees with Frank that it would be best to just end their marriage.
As Uncle Jack works with them to end their marriage, Charlie can tell that Frank is calming down. Charlie feels his heart returning when Frank says that he likes Charlie's drawings. After Uncle Jack has Charlie and Frank sign off on their marriage, Charlie notices almost immediately that the old Frank is back. Charlie is too tired to show it, but he beams inside.
***
"Frank, you doin' okay?" Charlie asks after they have returned to their apartment.
"I'm fine. Thanks for askin', Charlie."
"That's great! I just want us to be happy again."
Frank smiles and his smile pierces Charlie's heart in a good way.
They sit down to watch some TV before bed.
"Charlie, I gotta say something."
"What?"
"Don't ever bring up that thing that happened."
Charlie feels like screaming and pulling his hair out, but he pushes that impulse down. "I wasn't going to, Frank. You're the one who brought it up again."
"Seriously. If you ever bring it up, I'm kicking you out. Got it?"
"Alright, alright, Frank! I got it! Can we just watch TV now?"
"Yeah. What you wanna watch?"
***
After TV gets too boring, they get too tired, and the cats get too crazy, Frank and Charlie do their usual cat food-glue-beer routine and settle into their bed.
While Charlie is falling asleep, an image flashes in his head of him kissing Frank. The final puzzle piece, Charlie muses.
Usually, Charlie doesn't like kissing, but when it's a full moon, he's a certain level of wasted, and he feels really happy, safe, secure, and loved, he places a stupid-sloppy kiss on the forehead of the person he really cares about. (Usually an equally wasted Mac). Not in a sexy way. Just in a friend way. After kissing him, Frank tried to bite his face off or something, so Charlie stopped him. Frank ended up falling asleep on Charlie's chest while Charlie cradled him.
The memory makes Charlie feel warm and fuzzy and nostalgic, but he is certain that this is not something he wants to do with Frank ever again.
All he has to do is not get gay-married to Frank again. And don't get super wasted with Frank when it's a full moon out. And don't play Night Crawlers in the nude. And don't start freaking out about spoiled skin. Simple.