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It sounded crazy. Then again, most ideas proposed by the Joker were. When the Clown prince of crime had suggested a beach day he was met with blank stares.
“Have you forgotten that we are four criminals hiding away from the Batman?” Catwoman hissed. “Or has the green in your hair finally seeped into your brain?”
“Oh don’t be such a sourpuss.” Joker taunted. “I doubt there will be any run ins with that dratted caped crusader.”
“And just how can you be so sure of this Joker?” The Riddler queried from his place at the table, resting his feet upon the tabletop, only for them to swiped off the table with the swift motion from an umbrella.
“Manners, my dear boy.” Penguin chided around his cigarette holder. “But I agree with our recklessly rude Riddler, how can you sure that bumbling Batman won’t interrupt our day of leisure?”
Clapping his hands together in excitement, the Joker explained. “I’ve found us a private beach!”
“And pray tell,” Catwoman purred, “How does one ‘find’ a private beach?”
“Quite easily, actually.” Joker answered. “Do any of you recall the yacht accident from a few years back?”
“At the Baltic Boardwalk?” Squawked the Penguin, blowing a plume of cigarette smoke as he spoke. “Quite the event. Several fatalities. Whek, whek.”
“The very same!” Joker affirmed. “After the accident no one wanted to swim down there anymore. When no one came down to the boardwalk all the businesses were forced to close down. Leaving us with our very own beach!”
The three criminals glanced at one another.
“And you’re quite sure no one goes down there anymore?” Riddler questioned, no business and slow swim days did not necessarily mean it was wholly abandoned.
“Entirely sure! I spent the entire day down there last week and didn’t see a soul.”
“You mean the day we sent you out to retrieve supplies and you returned empty handed?” Catwoman hissed, claws digging into the cushion of her seat.
Joker took a few steps away from the feminine feline felon. “Perhaps not last week. The days get so easily mixed up, and either way does it really matter? We have a beach all to ourselves!”
As Catwoman stalked up on the Joker, looking ready to pounce, Penguin mulled over the idea.
“A swim would be nice. A pleasant escape from this horrendous humid heat!” Saying this, he dabbed away drops of sweat from his face. It was not easy being such a fashionable bird.
Riddler felt heat rise to his face as the image of Penguin in a bathing suit flooded his mind. Hopefully his fellow rogues would accept the weather as an excuse for his ridiculously red face.
Lunging at Joker, Catwoman narrowly missed her prey. “Have you forgotten, Mr. Joker, that cats hate water?” Letting out a yowl, she lunged again, this time landing a scratch on the clown prince of crime.
“So go take a cat nap in the sun!” Penguin retorted on behalf of the Joker, who was currently attempting to shield himself from further attacks with a chair. “Some of us could do with day at the beach. What say you, Mr. Riddler?”
Torn from his fantasies, Riddler found the rest of the rogues staring, waiting for his response.
Glancing at Penguin, Riddler made up his mind. “A day of rest is good for the mind. Might as well spend it at the beach.”
Joker cheered while Catwoman groaned. The villains would be having a beach day.
Getting to the beach itself had been an ordeal all on its own. Trying to pack up the vehicle and cram Joker’s giant pink surfboard in with everything else, and Catwoman arguing with Riddler over who got to ride shotgun had been a bad start. Only to be worsened by Catwoman’s car sickness and Joker nearly driving them off the road.
But they had made it. The white sand beaches lined an endless expanse of gorgeous green waters that stretched out into a sapphire blue sky. Rows of abandoned buildings lined the boardwalk. Sun-bleached signs proclaimed the names of long-gone businesses. Leading out into the ocean was a wooden dock, the end of which broke off abruptly. Splintered wood and broken boards studding the end of the dock.
“You weren’t joking. This place is a ghost town.” Penguin quipped, stepping out of the vehicle. The powerful rays of the sun hit his face, reminding him that a bird like himself was not meant for such serendipitous sunny summer days. The problem was quickly remedied by an umbrella opening, guarding him from the harmful rays of the sun.
“Perfect for our day of fun!” Joker chortled with glee. “Now come on! Let’s see the damage at the end of the dock!” Not waiting for the rest of the group, Joker took off towards the dock, still dressed in his pink suit. “Last one there’s a rotten egg!”
Having heard the challenge, Riddler jumped out of the vehicle and set chase after the pink blur.
“Children. The both of them.” Catwoman sneered, joining Penguin under the protecting shade of the umbrella.
“Indeed.” Penguin agreed. “I suppose we better go join them before one of them falls in and drowns.”
“Are you sure we can’t let them?” Catwoman sighed. “Just think about how quiet the lair would be.”
Penguin huffed. “As tempting as that may be, Mr. Riddler’s ingenuity tends to come in handy.”
“So just Joker then?”
Penguin quacked out a laugh. “We’ll see, my dear. We’ll see.”
Joker and Riddler were peering over the broken edge of the dock, surveying the waters down below when Catwoman and Penguin finally joined them.
“Do you think there’s any sharks down there?” Joker asked, eyes never leaving the rolling green of the ocean below them.
“Unlikely,” Riddler answered. “But not an impossibility.”
Penguin waddled beside them, catching a glance of his own. Any and all of the debris had been washed away quite some time ago. He was surprised to see the sand below. It had to be a good 10 ft deep, and the ocean was rarely clear enough to see through.
As Joker and Riddler continued their idle speculations, Penguin returned to Catwoman and handed her the umbrella, placing a finger to his lips. A silent plea for her compliance. Gently pushing her to the side, Penguin took a few steps back and broke into a sprint. Which to him was more of an awkward high-speed waddle, but he’d outrun Batman at the same pace several times.
Before Joker and Riddler could even turn around, they soon found themselves tumbling off the docks edge and plummeting towards the waters below. As the two flopped and smacked against the water, Penguin dived gracefully, the water enveloping him with ease. Not a splash left behind.
Catwoman cackled above as Joker resurfaced, spluttering and spitting water, cursing as he kept himself afloat.
“Penguin, you old fool, what was that for?” Joker spat, wading over to one of the dock’s barnacle encrusted support beams.
“You seemed to be overheating, my dear Joker, you were turning positively pink! Whek Whek!”
The sound of struggled splashing interrupted them as Riddler thrashed about in the water.
“Help.” He sputtered, attempting to keep the sea water out of his mouth. “I can’t-“ The waves overtook him, and Riddler was pulled under. Panic set in and he began to struggle even more as the air went sour in his lungs, bubbling up to the surface.
Just as he was about to inhale a gallon of saltwater, familiar hands pulled him up to the surface. Clinging to his hero, Riddler gasped, catching his breath.
“Are you alright, Edward?” Penguin inquired, allowing the Riddler to rest his head on his shoulder while Penguin worked hard to keep them both afloat.
“Fine. Thank you.” Riddler breathed, going rather red from both embarrassment and the close contact.
Having confirmed the Riddler’s wellbeing, Joker began to guffaw as loudly as he could.
“The Riddler can’t swim? The smartest man in Gotham, easily defeated, by WATER?” Joker dipped beneath the waves for a bit, only to resurface somehow laughing harder. “And I thought Catwoman would be the party pooper on this trip.” Catwoman let out an indignant yowl from above.
“I can swim!” Riddler shouted. “Just, not very well.” He conceded, much quieter.
Nodding, Penguin gave Riddler a reassuring pat on the back. “We’d all better get back to shore. I do not enjoy swimming in my tux, thank you very much!”
Joker made a beeline for the beach, leaving Penguin and Riddler behind to tread carefully back.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of Edward. Many people can’t swim, they’ve never been taught how.”
“I can swim.” Riddler insisted. “I was just startled, that’s all.”
Penguin nodded in understanding. “You’re lucky I caught you in time. I might have had to resuscitate you otherwise.”
Images of Penguin’s lips on his in dire effort to save his life made Ed grow a little too hot for his comfort.
“Yeah. Lucky me.”
Reaching the shore, Catwoman had made herself rather comfortable on the beach. Having shed her outer garments, her lithe form was graced by a slimming black and gold swimsuit with a matching swim skirt. Stretched out on a towel, she catnapped in the sun, Penguin’s umbrella shading her face.
She was not the only one to have changed into swimming attire. Joker raced from the vehicle in pink swim trunks, holding his matching board. It was odd to see Joker without his suit. Especially being able to see where the greasepaint ended, and the man started. Horrendously unblended white making way to normal skin. Like someone hadn’t rubbed in their sunblock entirely.
Sunblock.
Peeling off his soaked through outer garments, Edward walked over to the bag Catwoman had dragged from the vehicle in search of the sunscreen.
Eyeing the flashy green speedo sported by Riddler, Catwoman smiled in amusement. “Nice suit, Riddler.” She leered.
Rolling his eyes, Riddler was about to make a rather snappish comeback until his eyes caught sight of Penguin stripping himself of his tuxedo, leaving him in a pair of purple swim trunks. Catching himself, Riddler returned to the task at hand, hoping his staring had gone unnoticed. And that his quickly protruding problem would go unseen as well.
“What are you looking for in there?” Catwoman growled, propping herself up on one arm to get a better look at the bag’s contents.
“Sunblock. Don’t you need some as well?” Edward pulled the bottle of sunblock from the bag.
“I don’t need sunscreen. Unlike you, I won’t burn to a crisp at the merest glimpse of sunlight.” Catwoman murmured, turning over to lay on her stomach.
“Are you sure?”
“Eddie, leave the poor woman alone. This is supposed to be a day of relaxation, and God knows Catwoman has earned it. I, however, do require sunblock, so if you’d be so kind as to pass it my way.”
Passing over the bottle of sunscreen, a riddle came to mind and Edward was unable to help himself as he found himself blurting out his question.
“What’s black and white, and red all over?”
Penguin groaned.
“A Penguin with a sunburn!” Riddler giggled, biting his knuckles as he shook with glee.
“Very clever, Riddler, but this penguin has no intention of being red, so if you would be so kind as to get my back for me?”
Swallowing harshly, Ed nodded.
“Of course.”
Edward avoided looking in Oswald’s direction as Penguin applied the sunblock to himself. Pale swathes of skin never before seen by the Riddler tempted him horribly, heat pooling into his gut. Even worse, he’d soon be putting his hands all over pliant flesh, rubbing oil in a fashion much too similar to the beginnings of an intimate massage.
Entirely too soon, Oswald had finished applying sunblock to all the areas within his own reach. Passing the bottle back to Edward, he turned and waited expectantly.
Steeling himself, Edward poured the sunblock into his hand before spreading it about the other man’s back in wide swaths, trying in vain not to focus on the soft skin beneath his fingers. Despite his desires to finish his task as quickly as possible, Edward was sure to be diligent in his endeavor to protect Penguin from sunburn, ensuring every inch of him was fully coated and properly applied. The alluring warmth of skin pulled him in as he rubbed away the white sheen into the gorgeous pale peach of bare shoulders.
“Almost done, Riddler?”
Startled out of his rhythm, Edward paused before starting again.
“Almost. Just applied a little too much. Trying to rub it all in.” He’d been done awhile ago, but Oswald didn’t need to know that. After a few more passes, Edward removed his hands from Penguin’s back.
“Finished.” He announced.
“Thank you. I’ll return the favor in a moment after you’ve applied your own.”
The butterflies that fluttered in Edward’s stomach at the mere notion of Penguin’s hands on him threatened to fly up Edward’s throat and remove what little breakfast he’d had.
Nodding, he began his own application of sunblock. He dutifully did up his arms and chest, going as quick as he could. Though, perhaps he lingered a bit while applying the sunscreen to his legs.
Finished, he passed the bottle back to Penguin.
His entire being went taut at Penguin’s first touch. The man was meticulous in his method, firmly rubbing the salve into his shoulder’s, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up as it began to feel more akin to a massage. As Penguin nearly finished, gentle hands ran up Edward’s sides, tracing his protruding rib cage, causing Edward’s breath to be caught in his chest.
“You’re so tense.” Penguin murmured. “Today’s relaxation will do you good.”
Edward was going to die right then and there.
As Penguin’s hands left him, Edward’s released the shaky breath he’d been holding, praying Penguin hadn’t noticed.
“You’re good to go, Mr. Riddler.”
“Thank you.” Riddler mumbled, feeling a little lightheaded.
Sitting down in the sand, Edward watched as the man made his way towards the water. This was going to be a very long day.
After willing himself to relax, Edward finally removed himself from the Riddler shaped hole in the sand and began to walk along the shoreline, searching for nothing in particular. Along the way he found shells and coins, bottles and dead fish. On occasion he’d find a rather beautiful stone, or an exquisite piece of sea glass, which he’d pick up and hold onto for further study. Looking back towards his group, he spotted Catwoman still lying in the sun, now merely a speck on the horizon. Having decided he’d gone far enough; he made his way back. Hands full of small treasures. As he walked back, he caught a glimpse of Joker surfing the waves managing to do rather well on his board. No sight of Penguin.
A flitter of alarm went through his chest. People were known to easily get swept out to sea, and with neither Catwoman or Joker paying attention, who knows how far he may have been swept out.
Stopping the small pit of despair before it could bloom into a tangled mess of panic, Edward reasoned with himself. Penguin was a grown man, and a supposed strong swimmer at that. He’d just yet to get close enough to see him.
But as he approached, dread grew. Still no sign of Penguin. When he reached Catwoman, who now lay on her stomach seemingly asleep, he searched the horizon for the aquatic bird.
“Catwoman.”
No reply from the sleeping feline.
“Catwoman!”
An annoyed groan sounded from the sand.
“Selina Kyle!”
“WHAT?”
“Where’s Penguin?” He demanded.
“Probably still splashing about. What do you need him for so desperately that you felt it necessary to wake me?”
A spark of irritation lit itself in Edward’s chest. How could she not be worried? People drowned all the time! She stayed on shore, she should have been watching!
“I can’t see him out there, and I do not want our most consistent source of funding to drown! If you don’t find that a necessary enough concern to interrupt your little catnap then you’re not half the criminal I thought you were!”
Flinging an arm over her eyes to block the sun, Catwoman growled in annoyance. “If I need funding for schemes I rob a bank. I don’t need the fat little bird.” Peeking out from her arm, she grinned like that cat that got the canary. “Nor am I in love with him. So why should I worry?” She whispered cheekily.
Edward sputtered, searching for the correct response to cast away such an abhorred accusation!
“How dare you! I’m not- You- Listen here-“
Waving her hand dismissively, Catwoman cut him off. “Oh please, you think I didn’t notice your little hands-on fun over there? Not that I needed to see that to know. You, Edward, are fruitier than a fruit cocktail.”
Edward wanted to curl in on himself and die. “Do you think he’s noticed?”
She shrugged. “I’m not overly sure Penguin notices anything of that nature.”
“What do you mean?”
Catwoman gave an exasperated sigh. “The man always has some pretty thing in his crew, absolutely gorgeous women. But he never seems to give them another thought outside of their role in the scheme. Unlike the rest of you crude criminals. Not to mention that entire marriage scam he tried to pull.” She scoffed. “All he would’ve had to do was marry the woman and he’d be free. And quite wealthy too.”
Edward considered this. “True. But perhaps he’s not interested in what beautiful women have to offer.” Hope filled his voice.
“Then he would have most definitely noticed you.” She shot down.
“What are we noticing?” Joker popped up, dragging his surf board in behind him. Trailing after him was Penguin. Safe and sound.
Relief flooded Edward.
“Nothing of importance.” Edward snapped before Catwoman could open her mouth to answer.
“Oh come now, we’re all friends here! Are we really to be keeping secrets from one another?” Joker pried, ditching his surfboard on the beach.
Edward sighed in annoyance. “If you must know, we were discussing the little things people don’t notice.” Opening his hands, Edward revealed his treasures. “Such as the little things I found on my stroll along the beach.”
“Ah. Nothing indeed.” Joker agreed as he surveyed the bits of glass and stone Riddler presented.
Peering in for a closer look, Penguin examined Edward’s finds. “What lovely stones you’ve found Edward. Along with a few pieces of sea glass. I tend to favor shells myself.” Reaching into the pockets of his swim trunks, Penguin produced a variety of seashells, as well as a few brightly colored rocks.
“Where did you find these? I could hardly find any intact along the shoreline.” Riddler inspected a particularly beautiful shell with a pearl like sheen.
“Sometimes you have to dive quite deep to find such treasures. By the time they reach the beach they’ve been crashed about and crushed by the waves.” Placing his finds on the sand, Oswald returned to the water. “Feel free to inspect them further if you’d like. I’m going to see if I can’t find something a little more valuable.”
“While the bird continues to splash about, is anyone else hungry?” Joker asked, his stomach growling.
“I could eat.” Catwoman answered.
Placing his findings with Penguin’s, Edward followed Joker back to the car to help fetch lunch.
After a quick picnic lunch of cold meat sandwiches and an assortment of chips, vegetables, and fruits, the three villains sat on the shoreline, waiting out the thirty minutes before they could return to the water. Edward watched intently as Penguin would occasionally pop to the surface for a breath, before diving into the depths once more for minutes at a time. He began to try and guess where Penguin would resurface. Riddler had to concede, the man was a fantastic swimmer. Just one more similarity to the aquatic bird he shared a name with.
Eventually, Penguin returned to the shore, waddling over to where he had left his last haul of shells, which were now laid out next to Edward’s stones and sea glass. From his swim trunk pockets Penguin produced more shells. After the last of the shells were removed, a flash of metal caught Riddler’s eye.
“What have you found there, Penguin?” He questioned, watching as Penguin pulled a mass of entangled bits and bobs of shiny metal pieces from his pockets.
Smiling, Penguin pulled what appeared to be a gold watch from the pile. “Lost jewelry. You wouldn’t believe what people wear into the ocean.” Shifting through the little mess of bracelets, necklaces, and other fine pieces, Penguin pulled a small stone stud which shone brightly in the sun. “This earring for example. A real diamond earring, washed away for who knows how long. May be worth a pretty penny.”
“Who wears diamonds to the beach?” Catwoman rolled her eyes.
“While I’m inclined to agree with you,” Penguin allowed “I do believe Marsha would be of a mind as to wear her jewels on such an excursion.”
“I’m sure the Queen of Diamonds has plenty to spare.” Joker cackled. “Perhaps she ought to give a few to us poor fellows, scraping for gemstones in the sand.”
“If you can get Marsha to part with her precious gems, then you’re a stronger man than I.” Penguin proclaimed, placing his more valuable baubles into the beach bag. “Is there anything left of the lunch supplies? I’m famished.”
“In the cooler, under the umbrella. We made sure to leave you a few scraps.” Catwoman teased.
Penguin rolled his eyes before fixing himself a sandwich. “How kind of you all.”
“I’m bored.” Joker announced. “What do you propose we do while we wait to enter the water?”
“We could bury Catwoman,” Riddler joked, to which he received a positively scalding glare from Catwoman.
“I think not.” Joker wisely scooted away from the fuming woman. “Perhaps we could dig about for more valuables! If the half blind bird could find such pretty baubles underwater, we could stand a much better chance on shore!” An indignant quack sounded behind them.
Riddler shook his head. “We would be digging for hours before we would ever find anything. Unless we had a metal detector.”
“Ah.” Joker kicked up a bit of sand, before brightening. “We could have a sandcastle building contest!”
“Not a bad idea.” Riddler turned to his quiet companions. “Are we all in agreement?”
“No.” Catwoman pulled a book from the beach bag. “I intent to spend this day relaxing. Not digging about in the dirt.”
Swallowing his current bit of tuna sandwich, Penguin gave his input. “I’m afraid I’m still a bit preoccupied with lunch. The two of you go ahead. Catwoman and I can act as judges.”
That was good enough for Joker who was quick to grab a few of the buckets he’d brought along, being sure to grab the better ones.
Riddler set after him, already planning out his build design.
Minutes flew by as the two of them hurriedly sculpted their sandy architecture. Riddler began to carefully place his pieces of sea glass as ornate windows and stud the castle walls with his colorful stones while Joker etched in random squiggles and lines to the walls of his castle.
Eventually both buildings were completed and then underwent the scrutiny of the judges. Catwoman gave a mere glance before declaring her preference for Riddler’s, stating his use of sea glass as the deciding factor. Penguin took his time, meandering about the sculptures, looking into all the little details. Eventually he came to the same conclusion as Catwoman, thus declaring Riddler the unanimous winner.
Joker looked sour for a moment before a mischievous smile stole over his face. Marching over to the water, the clown searched the waters before reaching down to pick up a large ball of seaweed.
Realizing what Joker intended to do, Riddler broke out in a sprint, leaving a cloud of sand in his wake, while Joker chased him down, laughing gleefully.
The chase went on for a while, stopping abruptly when Riddler’s foot made contact with the sharp edge of a shattered shell, sending him tumbling face first into the sand, clutching at his punctured foot.
Taking Riddler’s misfortune as a prime opportunity, Joker launched his handful of sea sludge, which splatted itself onto Riddler’s back and shoulder.
As Joker laughed himself breathless, Riddler attempted to remove the seaweed from his body, but only was able to remove some of the larger bits of plant, while the algae merely smeared further onto his body.
A flash of rage overtook him. Grabbing a handful of sand, Riddler flung the sand right into Joker’s still laughing face.
Joker choked as he inhaled the plume of sand. Barely able to breathe, Joker wasted no time in retaliating and swiftly kicked Riddler. Who in turn, rose to his feet and delivered a punch.
POW!
The wind knocked from him, Joker lunged forward, sending them both tumbling back into the sand.
CRASH!
Penguin and Catwoman ran over to intervene.
smaACK!
Catwoman gaped in disbelief as Riddler hit her in the crossfire. Rubbing her stinging cheek, she kicked sand onto the entangled rogues before turning on her heel and returning to her book.
“Let the idiots kill each other!” She huffed.
While Penguin was inclined to agree, it would be hard to enjoy the rest of the day with over half their party in a sour mood. As the two rolled about in the sand, Penguin looked back at Catwoman. Perhaps he ought to smooth things over with her first and let the other two burn off some steam. He didn’t really want to get in the middle of them either.
Glancing at the two idiots, Penguin balked as he noticed that the Joker had somehow gotten ahold of a dead fish and was brandishing it like a knife above a pinned Riddler.
“Drop. That. Fish!” He growled.
Both combating crooks froze. Joker dropped the fish in the sand.
“Now get up the both of you! And don’t make me have to separate you again!” Both Joker and Riddler pulled themselves off one another and scrambled to get on their feet.
Rolling his eyes, Penguin waddled off to go soothe any ruffled feathers Catwoman may have.
An awkward pit of guilt settled itself into Edward’s stomach. Now he’d done it. Penguin was pissed off and would never want anything to do with him. Not that he had before, but now there was no chance in hell.
Edward shuffled off to the destroyed boardwalk, attempting to make himself scarce. Joker appeared to have a similar idea as Riddler caught sight of him floating atop his surfboard, making his way further out to sea.
It was unbearable. The dull pain of embarrassment twisted about in his throat, as he watched Penguin and Catwoman chat. The two occasionally throwing dirty looks his way. Each glare from Penguin was a knife to his tender heart. Of course, he felt bad about accidentally striking Catwoman. He’d never hit a woman! A villain he may be, but there were certain lines one did not cross if they wished to be a respectable rogue. Self-defense was one thing, but Catwoman had been an innocent bystander amidst a childish scuffle.
An eternity seemed to pass before Edward caught a glimpse of a smile from Catwoman. It seemed the old bird’s charisma was strong enough to charm a smile from an irate cat. His ears burned as he heard Penguin’s familiar quack join Catwoman’s laugh. He should be with them right now, laughing alongside them. Or better yet. Just him and Penguin, laughing together.
But no. He had to go and mess it up. His eyes scanned the darkening horizon for Joker. This was all Joker’s fault really. If he hadn’t been a complete and utter child over losing, then they never would have fought at all.
Edward was still the one to hit Catwoman, though. At the very least he should go and apologize for that.
Walking out from under the boardwalk, Edward suddenly felt very exposed. The whole world seemed to be staring at him, disgusted by his behavior. Each footstep causing the air to grow more awkward. Up ahead, Penguin and Catwoman chatted amiably until noticing his approach. Catwoman glared menacingly, as if daring him to come any closer. Riddler’s eyes flicked to Penguin, whose face was a blank slate, completely neutral in his presence.
Stopping in his tracks, Edward found it difficult to start.
“I’ve come to apologize.” He declared.
Catwoman raised an eyebrow. “So, apologize.”
Nodding, Edward began. “I’m very sorry for hitting you. It was a complete accident, but that doesn’t mean that it was ok. I hope that you can forgive me.” Looking up from his feet, Edward tried to gauge Catwoman’s emotions. “Are we good now?”
Getting up, Catwoman shook her head. “Not yet.” Before Edward could even comprehend what was happening, Catwoman struck him with a slap that echoed across the beach. “Now we’re even.”
Sitting back down on her towel, Penguin looked up at Riddler with concern.
“Are you alright?”
Riddler rubbed his cheek, dissipating the tingling pain that lingered. “Yes.” He replied, still a bit dazed from the slap.
“Why don’t you sit down? You look ready to topple over.” Penguin patted the ground beside him, where Riddler promptly plopped himself down.
“Let me take a look.” Before Riddler could protest, Penguin was holding his face, turning him, so that the bird could take a better look.
“Looks a bit red, but there shouldn’t be any bruising.” Riddler was certain that the slap was not the source of his redness.
Locking eyes with Catwoman, the feline felon merely cocked an eyebrow and smirked. Then once again, all too soon, Penguin’s hands left him, leaving a cold and lonely sensation on his skin, despite the glaring heat of the day.
“Having a good time without me?” Joker appeared at the shoreline, his surfboard dropped near the water, ready for a quick getaway.
“A perfectly good time. Go away so we can continue.” Riddler snarked, only half joking.
“Now now, Mr. Riddler, the day is almost over, can’t we have a pleasant end to our day of fun?” Joker chided.
Riddler rolled his eyes.
Penguin cleared his throat, interrupting whatever other childish spats may be forming. “Speaking of the day’s end, I think I’ll go for another swim before the sun sets.” Groaning a bit as he got to his feet, he turned to look at Riddler. “Care to join me Mr. Riddler?”
Edward’s mouth ran dry. Nodding dumbly, he got up to follow the bird to the water.
Joker cackled behind them. “Going to give him some swimming lessons, Pengy?”
“Going to do the backstroke?” Catwoman purred suggestively.
Penguin ignored the insults, they simply rolled off him like water off a duck’s back. Riddler, however, went extremely red at the ears. Catwoman’s indecent insinuations certainly didn’t help.
Ignoring any other comments his fellow rogues had to make, Edward stepped into the water willingly for the first time that day. The cold water lapped at his ankles, then his knees, and as it went up his thighs he stopped, steeling himself for the frigid touch of the water.
“It’s much easier if you dive in all at once.” Riddler looked over to see that Penguin had already fully submerged himself.
Shivering, Riddler braced himself to dive in. As a larger wave rolled over him, reaching a little further up his legs, Riddler lost all willpower to do so. Perhaps he ought to just return to the warm sand and relax beside Catwoman. It would certainly be more comfortable. But as he looked back at Penguin, now floating leisurely on his back, his determination grew.
He could do this.
In 3. . .
2. . .
SPLASH
A great weight fell upon him, tackling him into the shallow water. Air knocked from his lungs, Riddler struggled to release himself from whatever clutches had fallen upon him. Sending an elbow to the gut of his attacker, he quickly fought his way up for air.
Gasping, he surfaced, sucking in breath after breath while his lungs burned. When his breathing finally evened out, he became aware of the familiar laughter howling behind him.
“Joker you malcontent miscreant! What was that for?” Riddler shouted, very close to resuming their earlier skirmish.
Splashing about as he carried on his raucous laughter, Joker managed to respond between his bursts of laughter. “I thought I’d join you fine gentlemen for a skinny dip before our day ends!”
Riddler went pale at the realization that he could spot a bright pink pair of swim trunks along the shoreline.
“That is positively VILE” Penguin looked as though he were about to be sick. Riddler thought he might join him in illness when he became aware of the fact that a NAKED JOKER had touched him.
“Oh, come now, it’s all in good fun! Catwoman may be a sourpuss, but I thought you two gents would have a sense of excitement and join me.”
“Absolutely not!” Penguin stood rigid, glaring daggers at the Joker. “You take such foolishness back to the shore and dress yourself. Private beach or not, public indecency is no laughing matter.”
Riddler nodded in agreement, but a small part of him wished Penguin would join in on Joker’s ‘fun’.
“Hush, there’s no cops to be found! And absolutely no sign of-“
“BATMAN!”
At the sound of Catwoman’s voice, the three water bound rogues turned to see the batmobile screech to a halt on the sand.
The caped crusader jumped from his vehicle and proclaimed loudly: “I hope you’ve all enjoyed your day in the sun, because I can guarantee a sunless cell block is waiting for all of you.”
“What for, Batman?” Catwoman shouted.
“You are all escaped criminals.” Batman approached her. “And even if you were not, Joker is committing the crime of public indecency.”
She hissed before taking off running, the bat gave chase.
Joker ran on shore, whooping and hollering, taunting Batman to come and catch him.
Having decided that covering Joker’s indecency was more important than capturing Catwoman, Batman picked up Catwoman’s discarded beach towel and ran after Joker.
“Quick, while he’s distracted.” Penguin whispered, pulling Edward deeper into the water.
Penguin swam out towards the dock, leaving Edward to flail behind him. Trying his best, Edward paddled behind him, just barely keeping his head above water. The waves made it all the more difficult. Edward could swim fairly decent in a pool, but the waves pushed him under, furthering his struggle. Penguin was a good twenty feet ahead of him, hiding behind one of the dock’s barnacle encrusted posts.
Pushing himself, Edward could feel his body cramping up. His foot ached and his side felt as though he were being stabbed. The next wave crashed over him, and he struggled to return to the surface.
Once he broke through and took a breath, another wave fell upon him. This repeated, again and again until his spent breath bubbled up from his lungs. Panic set in once again. He could do it. The surface was right there! The golden sunlight rippled in reverse against the water. The salt burning his eyes as he looked up, fighting to the surface.
This was it. He was going to die. How pathetic.
His body forced him to cough as he inhaled the water, but each cough led to a gasp, leading more seawater to enter his oxygen starved lungs.
Further and further, he sank away from the water’s undulating surface. The light of the sun fading away. Closing his eyes, he flailed blindly, still taking in saltwater with each cough. He was still sinking.
The water surrounded him, inescapable in its grasp, pulling him further down into its depths, falling to his watery grave.
Barely noticed amidst his panic, a new embrace set upon his skin, pulling him up. When his head broke through the surface, his lungs pulled in vain, unable to take a breath of life saving air before releasing the large amount of sea water they had taken in. Painful coughs wracked his body, convulsing as he coughed up endless amounts of saltwater. Eventually he managed to suck in some air, but still his body continued to cough. Firm hands ensured he stayed above the water.
His coughs began to die down, and his breathing evened. Becoming aware of his surroundings, Riddler found himself in the shade of the dock hanging overhead, with two comforting arms holding him afloat. Exhausted, and still out of breath, Edward rested his head against Penguin’s chest, taking in the relief and repose of the moment. How long had he dreamed of being held tight in Penguin’s arms? Now here he was, looking like a complete fool, and half drowned.
“You gave me quite a scare there, Eddie.” Penguin whispered, legs brushing against Edward’s as he tread water to keep them both afloat.
“Sorry.” Riddler mumbled, savoring the way his lips brushed against exposed skin.
“No need to apologize, I shouldn’t have pulled you so deep.” Slow smooth circled were rubbed into Riddler’s back, causing the man to melt against his savior.
“Just so long as the Batman doesn’t catch us.” Riddler felt the deep reverberations of the Penguin’s squashed laughter.
“I think he’s rather preoccupied at the moment.”
If he listened closely, Riddler could just barely hear the distant laughter of the Joker followed by the indignant shouts of Batman, who was no doubt still giving chase.
They stayed like that for a moment. Floating peacefully against one another, taking in the sounds of the ocean, only occasionally interrupted by their fearsome foe and jovial Joker.
Shifting slight to get more comfortable, Riddler moved his face to the crook of Penguin’s neck.
“Thank you for saving me.” He murmured.
“Of course. We’re both lucky I didn’t have to drag you ashore to resuscitate you. No doubt the bat would have captured us very quickly.” A short quack of a laugh punctuated his statement, which made Edward smile against the warm expansion of skin.
“This is the second time you’ve brought up resuscitating me. Do you even know how?” Edward challenged, lifting his head to meet Penguin’s gaze, the playful light returning to his eyes.
Penguin scoffed. “Of course I do!”
Riddler’s eyes flicked to Penguin’s lips before returning to stare back again.
“Then show me.”
Penguin’s eyes widened as Edward brought their lips together. It was gentle, almost hesitant. As Edward began to pull away, Oswald remembered himself, and pushed forward, eagerly kissing Edward back.
Breaking apart they both gasped for air. They looked at each other, unsure of what to say.
“Eddie,” Oswald began, “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
Edward looked down at the water, an uncharacteristic shyness filling his body. “I have for a while.”
Oswald tilted his chin up to look at him. “I’m afraid I didn’t notice. I’m sorry, Edward.”
“No, I’m sorry.” His throat choked up, and he feared saltwater would soon fall from his eyes and join the endless pool of tears he had submerged himself in. “I shouldn’t. . . I shouldn’t have forced myself upon you like that.” Letting out a shaky breath, he continued. “I understand if you never want to see me again, but please, don’t tell anyone.”
“Eddie,” An unbearable sadness filled Oswald’s voice. “I didn’t notice because I tend not to care. I’ve no need for anyone to warm my bed. I’ve no desire to entangle myself in such base desires. I’m also aware that I am not exactly what someone looks for in a partner. So, I don’t notice.”
Edward let go of Penguin, and attempted to float on his own, but Oswald held him closer.
“Despite this, I am still a social bird. I need companionship, Edward. A flock, if you will, which I have found in our little rogues gallery. But in the late hours, I still find myself lonely. A lonesome Penguin looking for the other half of his pair.”
Oswald kissed Edward’s forehead, before matching his gaze once again.
“I would be honored if you would be my other half.”
Elation swept through Edward. Grabbing Oswald’s face, he pulled them into another kiss, this one filled with passion and strength, nearly dragging them both down into the water.
Breaking the kiss, Oswald quickly resumed his treading. “Careful now, Edward. It would be unfortunate if we both were to drown.” He began to wade them both back to shore, seeing as Batman was nowhere to be found on the beach. “I ought to give you swimming lessons before our aquatic arrangement.” The thought of Edward being in a submarine with no knowledge on how to swim worried him greatly.
“I get to see more of my handsome bird in a bathing suit? How could I say no to that?” Riddler moved his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, earning an eyeroll from Penguin.
“You’re ridiculous, you know that?”
“But I’m yours.” Edward beamed, still holding tight even after his feet reached the sandy bottom.
“Indeed.” Oswald agreed. “And how lucky I am that you are.”
“If you two lovebirds are finished, I’d like to escape now.” Catwoman emerged from one of the abandoned shops, eyebrows raised in amusement.
Riddler froze, embarrassed at having been caught. Oswald, however, took it in stride.
“By all means, let us escape!”
Heavy footsteps approached.
“Wait for me!” A streak of nudity shot across the beach, headed towards the vehicle. A black shadow followed him closely.
“While you two were having your little meet cute, I loaded up the getaway car. Let’s go!” Catwoman shouted, racing to the vehicle.
Riddler and Penguin did their best to keep up, stumbling barefoot to the car.
By the time they reached the vehicle, Catwoman had hopped into the drivers seat and started the engine. Penguin and Riddler shoved themselves into the back seat, grateful Catwoman had not taken off without them.
Driving off, she pulled alongside the sprinting Joker, who pulled open the car door and leaped inside. Once the Clown Prince of Crime was secure in the car, Catwoman drove off, leaving the Batman behind in a cloud of dust.
“Well!” Joker laughed, “What a fun day that was!”
“I think I’m going to need a week to recover from my day of relaxation.” Catwoman groaned, taking the backroads to ensure Batman wouldn’t follow them.
A week off sounded nice to Riddler. Especially a week that he could spend with his lover.
“I think we can all agree it was quite an eventful day, and I, for one, cannot wait to return to my bed. I am utterly exhausted.” Oswald glanced at Edward, holding his hand gently.
“We really ought to do this again sometime.” Riddler concluded.
Joker clapped his hands. “So, it’s agreed! We’ll have an annual beach day from now on!”
The rest of the car groaned.
As they traveled back to their hideout on the other side of Gotham, Oswald and Edward never let go of each other’s hand, basking in the warmth of one another’s presence. Both looking forward to their next swim together.