Chapter Text
Laurie:
I get myself twisted in threads to meet you at The Alcott
I'd go to the corner in the back where you'd always be
And there you are, sitting as usual with your golden notebook
Writing something about someone who used to be me
And the last thing you wanted is the first thing I do
I tell you my problems you tell me the truth
“Now girls, don’t forget Huang Shang and Ling Fei Niang Niang will be arriving tomorrow. I know they come visit every mid-autumn festival but this time Lao Fo Ye will be with them so you must be on your best behaviour and remember all the etiquette rules I taught you,” Chen Furen said to her four daughters in the reception hall of their home. “That means you too, Xiao Yan Zi.”
“Of course, mid-autumn festival won’t be mid-autumn festival without kowtowing until our knees hurt,” Xiao Yan Zi muttered sarcastically as she slumped down on the chair.
“Don’t worry Mother, I’ll make sure that we’re all ready to receive them tomorrow,” Qing Er answered reassuringly as she sat in her chair, busying herself with an embroidery panel next to Xiao Yan Zi.
“I wonder if Wu Ah Ge is coming!” Zhi Hua chimed in as she skipped around her sisters’ chairs to grab a mooncake off the table.
“I think the visit is good news, it means that Father is still in good favour with Huang Shang, doesn’t it?” Zi Wei said, lying down on the lounge chair next to them with a blanket over her.
The four Chen sisters lived in the quaint, picturesque town of Haining in the largest house overlooking the river. They were the daughters of the prominent local official Chen Bang Zhi who had been acquainted with the imperial family for a long time.
Qing Er, the eldest of the four, was sixteen. She was very pretty, intelligent and well-behaved with an always pleasant smile. Fifteen year old Xiao Yan Zi was boyish and outspoken with a penchant for adventures and a disdain for being told what to do. Zi Wei, fourteen, was a shy, introspective soul, who possessed a timid demeanour but a courageous heart. Zhi Hua, the youngest, was a rather precocious thirteen year old who carried herself like a young lady of great importance and was usually found lost in her fanciful daydreams.
After the imperial family had arrived the next day, Wu Ah Ge, or Yong Qi, and Xiao Yan Zi sat on the grass in the garden behind a row of pretend mountains that was a short distance away from the Chen residence. It was their secret hideout that they had spent many an afternoons in since they were children.
“So what have you been doing since I last came here?” Yong Qi asked, lying on the grass on his elbows and staring up at the clouds.
Xiao Yan Zi shrugged, picking a dandelion. “The usual, I’ve been writing a lot.”
“Poems you mean? Can I read them? What you write is always great,” he said earnestly. “I mean it,” he added as she shot him a skeptical look.
“Alright, maybe later. I haven’t been writing this week at all, my mother made me practice curtsying and kowtowing to Lao Fo Ye again and again,” she complained as she twirled the dandelion around in her hand. “Why did she come this time anyway? She’s never been here before.”
Yong Qi hesitated for moment, taking a breath. “Well, she’s actually here for a reason,” he began slowly. "Lao Fo Ye is thinking of choosing someone from your family to…marry me in a few years,” he answered evenly, covertly glancing at Xiao Yan Zi out of the corner of his eye.
“Oh good, I can tell my parents that their wildest dreams finally came true,” she replied dryly. “Well, it’s obviously going to be Qing Er,” she added in a matter-of-fact tone.
He frowned and sat up to look at her. “What do you mean, obviously?”
She blew on the dandelion, the seeds scattering across the wind. “Qing Er is the most accomplished and well-rounded out of the four of us. And she’s the prettiest.”
“I don’t think she’s necessarily the prettiest,” he answered quickly.
“Regardless, through a process of elimination, it’s still Qing Er. Zi Wei is unwell, Zhi Hua is too young,” she said, counting on her fingers. “So. Qing Er.”
Yong Qi threw caution to the wind. “And you’re not included in this hypothetical?”
Xiao Yan Zi turned her head slowly to look at him. She let out an incredulous breath of air. “Me?”
After a moment when she simply stared at him, she flung her head back and burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” he asked as she continued to laugh.
She stopped to draw breath for a second. “Nothing, I was imagining us being married and me walking one step behind you,” she replied as she snorted rather inelegantly at the thought.
He scowled. “Is it so unbelievable that we could be married?” he asked, feeling a sense of explicable annoyance.
She sat up straighter to look at him. “Oh come on, Yong Qi. Can you imagine me being a fujin? Wearing those ridiculous outfits? Curtsying all the time? Being stuck in the palace forever? Plus I’d have to put up with you for a lifetime.”
He looked at her with an imperceptible expression. Before he could say anything else, she got to her feet abruptly.
“We should get back,” she said briskly. “Race you back to the house!” she exclaimed as she tossed all the dandelions in her hand up in the air and started skipping away without glancing back at him.
After a beat, Yong Qi followed her, feeling thoroughly confused and dissatisfied at how the conversation had gone.
Later, they were gathered in the reception hall of the Chen residence to officially greet Huang Shang, Lao Fo Ye and the rest of the imperial entourage.
When Yong Qi entered, the Chen family greeted him one by one.
“Xiao Yan Zi greets Wu Ah Ge and wishes Wu Ah Ge good health,” Xiao Yan Zi recited in a demure manner as she curtsied impeccably in front of him, her head bowed low so only he could see her smirk. “It is an honour to receive Wu Ah Ge in our humble household again.”
Yong Qi’s mouth twitched but he said nothing. Instead, he nodded and signalled for her to rise. As she rose from her curtsy, his gaze swept over her.
She was no longer wearing the rather ordinary looking pastel blue clothes of that afternoon, the ones which had grass stains on the hems. Instead, she was dressed in royal blue silk, her robes fitting perfectly to the curve of her waist. Her hair that was previously in two messy plaits, was woven neatly in a long braid swept dramatically to one side with butterfly hair clips in matching deep blue pinned to the top of her hair.
She was looking at him with those sparkling large eyes and a genuine smile, her lips a deep cherry red. Without realising, Yong Qi inhaled deeply, as if short of breath. His line of thought was broken by her sister’s voice.
“Zhi Hua also greets Wu Ah Ge and wishes Wu Ah Ge good health!” thirteen year old Zhi Hua exclaimed excitedly as she curtsied enthusiastically next to Xiao Yan Zi before raising her head to look at him, fluttering her eyelashes with a besotted look on her face.
After dinner, Lao Fo Ye spent a while speaking with the four sisters. After she had spoken with Qing Er who she had taken an obvious liking to, she moved onto Xiao Yan Zi.
“So your mother tells me that you quite enjoy reading and writing, is that right?” Lao Fo Ye asked.
“Answering Lao Fo Ye, yes,” Xiao Yan Zi replied.
“What kind of books do you like to read?”
“The Four Books For Women: Lessons for Women, Women’s Analects, Domestic Lessons and Sketch of a Model for Women, as well as Three Obediences and Four Virtues,” she recited.
Yong Qi coughed suspiciously.
Suddenly, something strange fell out of her robes. Xiao Yan Zi hurriedly bent down on the floor to pick it up.
“What is that?” Lao Fo Ye asked.
“Nothing,” she replied, forgetting all rules and etiquette.
“Xiao Yan Zi, Lao Fo Ye just asked you a question,” her mother said evenly.
Xiao Yan Zi’s eyes darted nervously. “Answering Lao Fo Ye, it’s…it’s my easy kneeling pads.”
“I beg your pardon, your what?”
“Well you see, there’s always a lot of kowtowing whenever your family come to visit and I made these pads to protect my knees,” she replied, waving the yellow piece of fabric she had just picked up in the air while revealing the other pad tied to her knee, now going completely off script.
This was met by stunned silence around the room. Lao Fo Ye pursed her lips into a very thin line while Chen Furen gave a weak groan and buried her face in her hands.
“I think they’re quite inventive. I’m sure people back in the palace will find them useful especially in the cold winter months,” Yong Qi offered, breaking the silence and determinedly keeping a straight face.
“Well, I think kowtowing is an important part of tradition and our great Qing dynasty, it is not something to be taken so lightly,” Lao Fo Ye replied stiffly.
"I do apologise for Xiao Yan Zi's unacceptable behaviour, Lao Fo Ye.” Chen Furen injected. “Shall we hear some music? Zi Wei, why don’t you play your guqin for Lao Fo Ye,” she suggested hastily.
Xiao Yan Zi shrugged and skulked off to one side of the room while her mother shot her a death glare. As Zi Wei started to play a melodious tune, Xiao Yan Zi inconspicuously made a face at Yong Qi while he tried to hold back his laughter, his eyes gleaming.
(On the last night of his stay, he waited for her in the courtyard underneath a starry sky hung with a full moon.
"Xiao Yan Zi!"
She turned around.
"I wanted to ask you something."
"What is it?"
"Will you wait for me until next year?" he asked softly.
"Of course, you come every year," she replied, confused.
"No, that's not what I meant," he said, stepping closer to her.
He tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear affectionately. She felt out of breath as she looked into his eyes.
"Yong Qi..."
"Just...wait for me."
They were interrupted by a noise coming from inside the house.
"I have to go," she whispered.
She hurried inside as Yong Qi looked longingly after her.
"Good night, Xiao Yan Zi,” he murmured.)
In the blink of an eye, a year had passed and it was a balmy end to the summer. Qing Er, to everyone’s surprise and after much persuasion to convince her parents, was engaged to be married to a local young man named Xiao Jian, who was neither rich nor possessed a title.
“Are you sure you want to marry Xiao Jian? It’s not too late to change your mind,” Xiao Yan Zi asked, sitting crossed legged on her bed.
“For the hundredth time, I’m sure,” Qing Er replied as she sat on the other end of the bed with a mild chuckle and a look of slight exasperation. “I know Xiao Jian was never who any of you expected me to marry, or who I expected to marry for that matter, but I do love him so very much. That’s all that matters,” she answered with a starry look in her eyes.
“I just hate that you’re leaving me,” Xiao Yan Zi lamented, her voice turning sad.
Qing Er moved closer to her and reached for her hand. “Oh Xiao Yan Zi, I’m not leaving you, we’ll always be sisters,” she said sincerely. “Besides, it will be your turn soon.”
Xiao Yan Zi scoffed.
“I suppose it is rather odd how fate works," Qing Er mused. "That I ended up with someone like Xiao Jian and you…”
“I what?”
Qing Er offered a sympathetic smile as she squeezed her hand. “All I’m saying is that I was expecting to marry someone from the aristocracy while you never cared about titles or extravagances. But we can’t choose the people we fall in love with, even if they’re the opposite of who we thought they would be,” she said with a thoroughly knowing look at her sister.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Xiao Yan Zi sniffed.
A few weeks later after Qing Er had married, the imperial family arrived for their annual mid-autumn festival visit. Yong Qi found Xiao Yan Zi one evening in their usual hideout place behind the pretend mountains, standing and gazing at the sunset with a rather melancholy look on her face.
“There you are, I was looking for you. What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Oh, nothing…it’s just, now that Qing Er is married and Zhi Hua has been chosen to accompany Lao Fo Ye to the temple in the mountains it will just be Zi Wei and me. And I’m not like Zi Wei who likes her solitude, I get so desperately lonely sometimes,” she mused in a wistful tone.
“You don’t have to be so lonely you know,” Yong Qi said in the softest voice.
“What do you mean?”
He gazed at her determinedly, taking a deep breath.
Xiao Yan Zi stared back at him before an expression of dread crept upon her face.
“No…Yong Qi, please don’t,” she stammered with panic in her eyes as she took a step back.
“I have to say it, Xiao Yan Zi, I’ve got to ask, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t- ” he uttered with desperation.
“No, you don’t Yong Qi-” she pleaded, shaking her head.
“I have loved you since I’ve known you Xiao Yan Zi-”
She closed her eyes like the world was ending.
“I love you, Xiao Yan Zi, I am completely, desperately in love with you, I-I can’t help it- you’re everything that I want, everything that I need- ever since we were children I’ve known that you’re the girl that I want to spend my life with- I’ve refused Lao Fo Ye and Huang Ah Ma’s requests to choose a fujin because of you, because I’ve been waiting for you, so I need to know, I need you to give me an answer because I can’t go on like this anymore,” he blurted out incoherently, his words and years of yearning tumbling out like marbles from a jar.
“Yong Qi…” she whispered, her brown eyes looking up at him.
He reached out slowly and grasped her hands in his. Her breath hitched at the touch.
“Do you love me?” he asked in a gentler voice, bringing her hands to his chest, staring back at her searchingly. “I know you do.”
“You- you deserve someone better than me,” she stammered, ignoring his question. “You’re so smart and kind and patient. You’re an ah ge, possibly even the future emperor. And I’m- ”
“You’re all I want, Xiao Yan Zi.”
Yong Qi moved closer, his hands gripping onto hers even tighter. He raised a hand to caress her cheek softly. She involuntarily leaned in at the touch, closing her eyes again, her heart pounding as her breaths quickened. Emboldened, Yong Qi slid his hand from her face down the curve of her body until she felt it wrapping perfectly around the small of her waist, pulling her into him. He looked into her eyes earnestly before his gaze moved further down to her slightly parted lips.
There were so many reasons to say no that she forgot them all. He leaned in.
She thought about what it would be like to kiss him. She could almost see their future stretching out in front of her eyes, yet she knew it could not be, that he would be pulled to another destiny.
Xiao Yan Zi let go of his hand abruptly, the force strong enough to make Yong Qi almost lose balance as he staggered backwards in shock, looking as if she had just slapped him.
“No, Yong Qi, we wouldn’t work,” she croaked. “I’m-I’m not suited to be your fujin, Lao Fo Ye and everyone would disapprove of me and perhaps it would be nice to be together at first but soon we’d hate each other. I’d grow tired of the palace and suffocate because I’m Xiao Yan Zi, I’m not supposed to be caged like that and you’d resent all my rule-breaking and hotheadedness and stubbornness and I know you’ll have to eventually marry others and I wouldn’t be able to share you because I’m horridly selfish and we’d eventually be miserable and combust- ”
“What if I don’t marry anyone else? I just want you-”
“Stop saying impossible things, Yong Qi. Don’t make this any harder than it is.”
“I know you’re scared, Xiao Yan Zi, I am too, but we can-”
“Please, Yong Qi, stop,” she whispered.
He stared at her, his breaths so fast like he had run a race.
“What if- what if it’s an order? What if it’s an edict given by Huang Ah Ma to your family? Will you accept it then?” he asked, feeling just how ridiculous and awkward those words sounded as soon as they escaped from his mouth as he entered a whole new level of desperation.
“What?” she gasped, looking at him with wide eyes, clutching her chest. “You wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t use your- to get me to…” she trailed off with a hurt look and tears in her eyes.
Yong Qi shook his head regretfully and brushed his hand across his forehead before exhaling slowly. “No…no of course not. I’m- I’m sorry I said that.”
He let out a bitter laugh. “I feel the deities are playing a joke on me. Every girl wants to marry me because I am a prince yet the only girl that I want doesn’t want to marry me because I am one.”
Xiao Yan Zi stayed silent, her eyes fixed on the ground before taking a deep breath, trying to steady herself.
“Yong Qi,” she began. “You’ll find someone, someone ladylike and proper who will make an excellent and obedient fujin. You don’t want me,” she said, her words breaking her own heart as she heard them vibrate through the air.
“But I do want you-“
“No you don’t, maybe now you do, but you don’t, not really.”
“So…is that it?” he asked, now looking like a small boy.
She forced herself to gaze up at him through her tear-streaked eyes, his expression so heavy with disbelief and sorrow that it burned her. Finally, she gave a small, almost imperceptible nod.
He swallowed hard and closed his eyes for moment before speaking. “Alright,” he said in a voice that was barely audible, before letting out a shaky breath that felt like he had held the weight of the world. “I am sorry to have bothered you.”
He braced himself to leave.
“Yong Qi?”
He turned around with a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
“Can…can we still be friends?”
His face fell before a cold, unfamiliar laugh escaped from his lips. “Sure, Xiao Yan Zi, we can still be friends,” he answered bitterly.
“Please, Yong Qi, I'm so sorry, I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t speak to me ever again,” she begged, now crying. “I can still call you Yong Qi, can’t I?” she whispered, hiccuping.
Her large, glassy eyes were looking pleadingly at him. She never needed to do much for him to soften. He let out a breath.
“Of course,” he said quietly, avoiding her gaze. “You’re the only one who calls me Yong Qi.”
With a sigh of something like resignation, he held out his arms to her before she fell into them in relief. She was still crying softly while he held her and stroked her hair, as he tried not to think about the cruel irony of how she was finally in his arms but now lost to him forever.