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As it happens when his mind is running far ahead of him, Eric doesn’t notice he has arrived until he’s walking out of the elevator. The door to Jaehyun’s parents' place is open, and Jaehyun himself is leaning against the doorframe with a beautiful smile and a grumpy-looking dog in his arms.
“Oh, hi, Darong baby,” Eric says, going straight over to kiss Darong’s cute little head.
“And hi, Jaehyun baby,” Jaehyun complains as Darong tries to lick Eric’s face. Eric gives the dog a friendly scratch behind the ear. “How come you greet him and not your actual boyfriend?”
Smiling fondly, Eric leans in to peck Jaehyun on the lips. “Someone is needy.” He walks past Jaehyun and into the apartment to step out of his shoes and take off his jacket.
“What if I am?” Jaehyun argues through a pout. “I’m allowed to be needy.”
Darong is set down on the floor again once the door is closed, and the dog walks over, tail wagging, to sniff Eric’s shoes, then his socks. The apartment is quiet, but much warmer than the street outside, thankfully.
Eric hasn’t been here many times. He’s visited Jaehyun’s parents for family dinners, sure; he’s just much more familiar with Jaehyun’s place in Seoul. This sprawling, carefully decorated apartment at the heart of Incheon still feels strange and a little daunting, like Eric might somehow knock something over and make a bad impression if he’s not careful.
It’s a beautiful place, however. And while dog-sitting over the Christmas holidays didn’t sound much fun to Eric when Jaehyun first told him about it, now, as he stands in the blissfully calm hallway, he’s reconsidering that. Maybe some peace and quiet right now isn’t the worst thing in the world.
“I did bring you food, though,” Eric explains, pointing to the plastic bag he brought with him. “I didn’t bring Darongie any, so you’re still winning. Barely.” He starts walking inside but then pauses to ask, “There’s no one home, right?”
Jaehyun is amused. “Nope, no one. You wouldn’t dare walk past the front door if someone from my family was inside?”
“I mean, I would be polite and ask to come inside, that’s all.” As soon as the word choice registers on him, he says over his shoulder, “No dirty jokes in front of Darongie!”
Jaehyun laughs and follows him into the kitchen.
The kitchen is fancier than the ones Eric usually spends time at—spacious, in all cream and marble tones, with an inviting kitchen island right in the middle. They sit to eat right away, with Eric asking for updates on Jaehyun’s parents’ vow renewal trip to South America. By their feet, Darong is lying on his side, making them company.
“They haven’t seen any snow so far, though,” Jaehyun finishes recounting what he’s heard from his mom in between bites. “Dad is loving it, of course, since he hates snow.”
“Well, it’s not like it’s snowing here either, so…”
Eric looks up when no answer comes and finds Jaehyun staring at him.
“What?”
“Eric-ah, it’s snowing. Look outside.”
Eric does, looking out the kitchen window only to find the world a little whiter than he remembers it being a day before.
“Oh. Wait, has it been snowing all day?”
“For a few hours at least. You didn’t sleep last night, did you?” Jaehyun asks, his tone gentler than a moment ago.
“I did! I mean—I kinda dozed off right before sunrise. That counts.”
“I don’t know if it does. You didn't even notice my clothes, and I thought you'd make it a whole thing.”
Huh? Eric looks—actually looks this time—and ok, yeah, that’s Eric’s sweater. One of his favorites too, pastel pink and soft-looking, fitting Jaehyun so perfectly that Eric opens a smile; but then feels a little ashamed for not having noticed it until now.
“Technically, those are my clothes,” Eric says. “You should wear my things more often, hyung. That’s so boyfriend of you.”
Jaehyun chuckles. “Right, maybe because I am your boyfriend.”
Since waking up today—or, well, since giving up trying to sleep—this is the first time Eric actually sees time passing. They eat most of the food and chat about nothing of consequence, and Eric enjoys the hour he spends in that unfamiliar but surprisingly comforting kitchen.
Listening to Jaehyun’s mellow voice and nothing else after a morning of traffic, bustling streets, and the controlled chaos of the dance academy, Eric can almost physically feel his chest growing lighter. His mind might still be running in circles, but it’s not as bad here as it is outside. Like this, it feels more under his control. A controlled chaos of his own, as he’s starting to think of it.
“I should get going,” he says, and makes no move to stand up. “If I take too long helping Sunwoo set up his stage I’ll be late to meet up with the guys later... You sure you don’t wanna come?”
“I promised my mom I wouldn't leave the old man alone for long,” Jaehyun says, glancing down at Darong. “You know he hates being alone.”
“Now who’s playing favorites?”
“Yah, you’re not gonna be alone!” Jaehyun argues, and Eric grins. They stand up to take their dishes to the sink, and Jaehyun sidles up to him to give him a sweet kiss on the cheek. “I can take care of this. Go help Sunwoo, he’ll be lost without you.”
“He really will be, you know. So lost.”
What Eric doesn’t say is that he doesn’t want to leave. He wants to lean into Jaehyun’s embrace and stay a while longer; he wants to bask in that peace that has been so hard to come by these days. He’s sure that Jaehyun’s arms will feel really soft in that sweater, familiar with the fabric—and Jaehyun’s arms—as he is.
But he says none of that, just kisses Jaehyun goodbye and pets Darong on his way out.
Stepping outside the building, Eric looks up. It’s snowing lightly. Not enough to cover the ground, but enough to look pretty. He takes a deep breath and holds onto the feeling of a peaceful, restful heart for a while longer, for as long as he can.
Time slips from him over and over throughout the rest of his day. The more he tries to keep his cool, the clearer it is that it’s a fruitless effort. His chest starts growing heavy again for no reason, his smiles take some effort. He needs to really amp up his excitement around Sunwoo to mask his anxiety, because Sunwoo knows him a bit too well, and the last thing he needs is to make his friend worry. On Christmas Eve, no less.
By the time he meets up with Sanha at the bar, he’s not sure where his day went. His chest is still coiled up tight like his heart is a wind-up toy ready to go off at any second. He managed to bite through the skin of his lip too, he finds when he checks his reflection, so he puts on some lip tint to make it less obvious.
The problem is making it less obvious that he’s not having the best time tonight. Daehwi asks him twice if he’s alright, and Eric reassures him that yeah, he’s fine. A little tired, that’s all. Work and everything. Everyone knows the year-end festival is a tremendous undertaking for all the staff at the dance academy, especially for a perfectionist like Eric, and that was only a week ago, so it’s not exactly a lie—just more of an incomplete truth.
How can he explain that he’s just not feeling right, though? That there’s nothing particularly wrong with his life, that he’s got a job he likes, supportive friends, a loving boyfriend, a caring mom, and yet sometimes he just gets this unexplainable sense of urgency and despair, like his animal brain is sensing danger where there is none?
He makes it through almost the entire night, staying in the bar long enough to see Daehwi and Bomin do a love shot and a tipsy Bomin spill his beer all over their laps. Eventually, he decides he can’t stand the loud music anymore, or the over-excited chatter, or the mess, or the weight in his chest. He buys his friends a round to make up for it and swears, with the brightest smile he can muster, that he’s just a little sleepy, and should head home first. If Daehwi was less drunk he may not have been convinced, but at this point, even Sanha is too pink-faced to suspect anything is wrong.
Well, nothing is. Eric just doesn’t know how to explain that he’s exhausted from being inside his own head all the time.
The elevator doors slide open, and Eric looks up, almost expecting Jaehyun to be there already, with the door open for him.
He’s not, but the door opens right as Eric is about to ring the doorbell. Between getting into his car and turning the key, he realized he didn’t want to be alone with himself, not really. Especially knowing sleep will likely not come to him tonight. And then, without questioning that decision, as if on autopilot, he took himself back to Jaehyun’s parents' building.
Jaehyun is still wearing Eric’s sweater when he opens the door. His hair is a little flat on one side, like he woke up not long ago from a nap, which only makes him look cuter. “Babe?” He says, his soft voice working like a balm on Eric’s overwhelmed heart.
Instead of answering, Eric wraps Jaehyun in a hug. He sighs against the cotton of Jaehyun’s—his—sweater, and melts a little more into his embrace when Jaehyun’s arms come around him.
Jaehyun kisses him on the top of his head.
“Eric-ah… Did something happen?”
Eric shakes his head no. “Just tired. Can I hang out with you for a while?”
“Of course.”
With loving, patient hands, Jaehyun takes him inside. In no time Darong is there to sniff Eric’s feet again and let out the tiniest bark at him. It’s either an indignant bark for being back again, or a grumpy hello, but Eric welcomes it either way, leaning down to pet him.
“You’re so nice to him and so judgmental with me,” Jaehyun accuses Darong, playfully side-eyeing the dog as he leads them into the living room. To Eric, he explains, “He was judging me for eating in front of the TV. As if he’s one to talk!”
There’s food on the coffee table, Eric sees once they get there, a simple but delicious-looking spread of takeout boxes along with a single bottle of cider. It looks cozy and comfortable, like the perfect setup for a night in.
Like clockwork, however, Eric’s anxiety comes up with a new reason to pierce through him—the thought that he shouldn’t have left Jaehyun alone tonight. That it was mean, and cruel, to go out with friends while his boyfriend stayed here, eating takeout food by himself. It’s the same kind of immediate, senseless guilt that washes over him regularly when his brain is going into overdrive like this, finding reasons for Eric to feel awful about himself even when he has done nothing to justify it.
He needs to remind himself (and the faulty wiring trying to spin tales inside his head) that Jaehyun doesn’t really care all that much about Christmas Eve. Lunar New Year, yes; birthdays, sure; Chuseok, definitely. But he doesn’t even like going out on Christmas Eve—or Christmas, for that matter. For as long as Eric has known him, Jaehyun has always preferred to spend Christmas at home with his mom and Darong in front of the TV. This is exactly how this date goes for him every year, and logically, behind that brief but painful spark of guilt, Eric knows that.
His face must betray his errant thoughts, though, because Jaehyun takes his hand and says, “Come here.” He leads them to sit on the floor by the table, gentle but not too obvious about it, something Eric is grateful for.
“I bet you haven’t eaten anything,” he says, already busy filling an empty bowl with food. “Sauce or no sauce?”
Eric realizes Jaehyun is right, he forgot to eat since lunch earlier. As if on cue, his stomach growls, making them laugh. Eric ignores his own embarrassment, focused instead on how mouth-watering the food looks from up close. “Sauce, please.”
It doesn’t matter that this isn’t Eric’s home—and not even Jaehyun’s, in a sense, since he hasn’t lived here in years. It still feels as comforting as if it were. They’ve been together for a little over two years now so Eric is familiar with the way Jaehyun folds his legs when he’s sitting on the floor like this, and with the efficiency with which he cuts the meat before distributing their respective portions. The cadence of his voice, the love he imbues his every Eric-ah with; all of it only adds to the feeling of finally getting home after a long, tiring day.
Eric’s heart sighs in relief.
There’s some silly Christmas movie on TV that they watch without really paying much attention to it. They talk about Sunwoo, Sanha, Daehwi, Bomin, Jaehyun’s family, the downstairs neighbor. Eric feels his phone heavy in his pocket because he knows he has messages to reply to, and he knows he should check Instagram to see how Sunwoo’s performance went, but he can’t bring himself to do any of it. He leans his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder when they’ve finished all they can eat, his eyelids starting to drop.
“Don’t let me sleep,” he says, blinking away the prickling of sleep in his eyes.
“That’s ok, I can carry you to bed if you fall asleep.”
The idea warms Eric from head to toe. He hides his smile against Jaehyun’s shoulder. “No, we just ate... I’ll wake up with the worst heartburn ever if I sleep now.”
“Oh, right. Well, in that case…”
Jaehyun touches his chin to bring his face up and press a kiss to his lips. It’s sweet and brief; he pauses to look Eric in the eye before he kisses him again, this time for longer, but still unhurried. There’s no suggestion behind the gesture, just a lot of tenderness. Eric forgets, even if momentarily, about the heaviness he’s been carrying all this time. All he feels is that same peace he experienced earlier in the day, in that much too fancy—much too comfortable—kitchen.
“There,” Jaehyun says against his lips after a moment. “Did that wake you up?”
Eric nods. “Give me one more, though, just to make sure.”
Smiling, Jaehyun kisses him a third time. It’s not long before he pulls back, pushing Eric’s hair behind his ear for him.
His eyes are kind, understanding, when he says, “It’s been a bad few days, huh?”
And even if Eric wanted to deny it, play it off like it’s no big deal like he did at the bar, he knows it would be pointless. Jaehyun already knows; he must’ve seen it in the bags under his eyes and heard it in the silence between his words with how he’s been avoiding talking about himself since he got to the apartment.
Besides, not having to explain it makes it easier. Eric doesn’t have to find the words because they’ve been here before, more times than he’d like to admit. (More frequently than he would’ve prefered, too.) Jaehyun knows sometimes he can’t explain the unexplainable, the tightness in his chest that refuses to leave and only worsens the knots of the tangled, messy thoughts in his head.
“That’s why you wanted to leave your party early,” Jaehyun notes, not needing an answer. “Juyeonie went so overboard for that.”
Eric chuckles, suddenly reminded of the ridiculously big birthday party he was surprised with a couple days ago. “Kinda, yeah. I liked it, though. I was just—Yeah, I think I was a little overwhelmed. But not because I didn’t like the party! I did! I love parties!”
Without him meaning to, he goes high-pitched at that last part. Jaehyun does the same to say “I know you do!” and gets a smile out of him.
“I felt bad leaving early, if I’m being honest. Juyeonie hyung was so proud of himself.”
“It wasn’t that early… Besides, who cares? It’s your party, you can leave whenever you want. If anyone got a problem with that, they can take it up with me.”
As if to prove his point, Jaehyun puffs his chest out and brings one arm up to flex his biceps. It’s so absurd—not the biceps, those are nice, even when hidden beneath long sleeves—that Eric bursts out laughing. “Shut up!” He pushes Jaehyun away and only gets brought closer and into his arms in retaliation. “You’re so stupid.”
“That’s why you love me.”
“That’s why I love you, yeah.”
Eric lets himself be embraced, his worries muffled behind the happy beating of his heart. Like this, it’s harder for the cacophony in his head to lead him anywhere but to the here and now; it’s harder to slip into despair when he’s got such a firm grip onto the very real, very secure arms around him.
Safe in Jaehyun’s arms and now that he’s not looking him in the eye, Eric feels compelled to say, “Sorry I’m so clingy tonight.”
“You’re allowed to be clingy,” Jaehyun says, his grip on Eric tightening for a second as he noses Eric’s ear. “Just like I’m allowed to be needy. You don’t have to apologize for that with me.”
“You always say that…”
“Because it’s true. My boyfriend wants to spend time with me and let me hold him? I don’t see the problem in that.”
There’s a moment of silence in which Eric tries not to let his worst thoughts spill over. All the negative, self-destructive things his mind conjures up on bad days like this one are right there, on the tip of his tongue.
Jaehyun kisses his temple and says, in his softest tone yet, “You’re doing it again. Stop thinking, just be here with me. Let me take care of you.”
He can do that. Gladly. Eric doesn’t bother with the argument that he’s trying, he swears, he’s trying not to, his brain just won’t stop—and just exhales heavily, leaning against Jaehyun.
Just then, there’s a tiny noise—that sounds a lot like a scoff—before Eric gets a lapful of fur. Darong makes himself comfortable on his lap, as if deciding that sure, if it’s cuddling time, he’s taking part in it too.
Jaehyun gasps. “He never sits on my lap unprompted like that!”
It sounds silly, and maybe it is silly, but something about that makes Eric smile and ask, “Does that mean he likes me?”
“Like? He’s probably in love with you.”
Amused, Eric does his best not to move and disturb Darong as he turns his face up to leave a kiss on Jaehyun’s cheek. “Don’t be jealous, you can sit on my lap, too.”
He doesn’t realize the joke is coming until Jaehyun has raised his eyebrows suggestively, pretty pink lips curling in a smirk. “Yeah? I’ll hold you to that.”
This time, he gets an affronted huff from Darong when he needs to turn to slap Jaehyun’s arm, laughing hard.
The shirt fits him perfectly. Eric could forget it’s not his shirt if the thought of wearing Jaehyun’s clothes didn’t comfort him as much as it does, so he keeps that in mind. That’s exactly what he would expect Jaehyun to keep at his parents’ place for nights when he doesn’t feel like going home.
Eric didn’t feel like going home tonight. He didn’t voice it, but Jaehyun didn’t ask him to; he got him a change of clothes and an extra blanket when the movie ended and they had been sitting there just chatting for a while, and that was it. The bed in Jaehyun’s old bedroom isn’t as big as the one in Jaehyun’s own apartment, but that’s all the better. Like this, they need to stick close together. Eric can’t say he minds.
Especially when Jaehyun stirs in his sleep and only draws closer to him. Eric makes sure his phone is turned away from him so the glare of the screen—even if with the brightness all the way down—won’t wake him. It never does, but he never forgets to turn it away, just in case.
Something else must wake him this time, however, because Jaehyun stirs again and mumbles. “Can’t sleep?”
Eric mumbles back a “no” as he finishes typing a reply to Juyeon and hits send. He puts his phone down. He’s answered all his missed texts, although in one single message for each just in case his friends aren’t still awake at 2a.m. Sunwoo’s stage went well, as he knew it would. There are fancams this time, even, and Eric makes a mental note to show them to Sunwoo later, if he hasn’t seen it by then.
“I’m still game if you wanna watch something…” Jaehyun sighs and stretches a little like an old grumpy dog. “We can watch House Alone.”
“Home Alone, hyung.”
“Yeah, that one. The Kevin movie.”
There’s a sleepy kiss on Eric's shoulder. In the quiet darkness of that unfamiliar room, it sounds like a good idea. Watching an old classic that reminds Eric of his own teen bedroom all the way across the ocean, safe in Jaehyun’s arms and surrounded by the scent of his clothes—that does sound better than scrolling on his phone until sleep decides to come.
But Jaehyun looks too comfortable all wrapped up around him under the covers. Eric can’t disturb him any more than he could disturb Darong when he was on his lap.
“Let’s watch it tomorrow,” Eric says. He slips his arm under the pillow, carefully, so he can reach around Jaehyun’s head and caress his hair. “Go back to sleep, love.”
“Mhm, love. I like that.”
Jaehyun snuggles even closer to him. He’s about to fall asleep again, and he must have very few filters working right now, because it’s not the first time Eric has called him love, but it's the first time he says he likes it.
“What time is it?” He mumbles.
Eric checks his phone. “Just past 2:30.”
“Merry Christmas, babe.”
His heart lighter than it has been all week, Eric smiles. “Merry Christmas, love.”