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Joker doesn't know what to do anymore.
Natalie, his precious Natalie, is now gone; sunken in the freezing cold river, no longer coming back. He could've followed down or possibly saved her, anything, but the stupid Morton brothers stopped him before he could and restrained his hands together.
He desperately shouted for Natalie's name as it echoed throughout the whole place during that shivering night.
Mike while escorting Joker to the circus tent with Murro kept giving the red head glances. He examined Joker: he looked resigned, so out of it. Hands and breath shaking with a defeated expression on his face.
He really shouldn't care for God's sake but… why is he even feeling some sort of pity? Why does he feel sad for him?
Mike recalls what happened earlier in the circus. The words that Joker had shouted with so much pain are still echoing in his mind, his heart. Was he really stupid? Was Mike really so stupid and naive for thinking Hullabaloo is a good place? Murro was suffering, and so was Natalie, Violetta, and…
And Joker... Why did that stung the most?
Admittedly Mike has unsaid feelings regarding the red head. He has liked Joker ever since he joined the troupe, and it wasn’t just some platonic like as one would a friend, but he likes him romantically. Was it some sort of crush or admiration? Who knows, but Mike really likes him. Since he has always been the center of attention, he was usually busy before, during and after the performances to be able to talk with Joker.
But he never fails to glance admiringly at Joker anytime he is in the same area as him.
They rarely talk to each other in those times but he genuinely enjoys talking with him. He likes hearing Joker's voice as far as he can remember. It saddens him that Joker usually doesn't smile beyond his face paint so Mike smiles around him in hopes that maybe the clown can smile back at him.
But Joker has always been too focused on Natalie, so Mike didn't have his hopes up. But his feelings remained the same for the younger.
Until the circus incident happened.
And until he discovered that Joker was the root of the incident.
Mike felt sick, felt betrayed, hurt. The person he likes and admires was the root of that incident. He hates it. He hates how his heart hurts from the information.
He wishes that this is just some sort of bad dream and that everything that is happening right now is not real.
Unfortunately, one can only dream.
But for some reason after hearing Joker's words at that moment after Mike did his Sergi act, he instead felt sorry and pity.
It woke something in Mike. He realised that Joker didn't do that without a reason. Joker was so fed up with Sergi. So fed up about how Sergi abuses Natalie, the only person Joker ever cared for, and how he keeps throwing bullshit at Joker. Even putting acid on Joker's makeup. Mike heard and saw what happened that time and he wanted to help Joker at that very moment, but Joker was too done to even speak with anyone and everyone during that time.
After realising all this, Mike wished he could've done something early on. He really wished he did and perhaps this wouldn't have happened.
Mike knew. Mike knew that Sergi tended to cause too much trouble to the troupe but he didn't try to do anything about it, even when it did make him uncomfortable. Hearing Sergi’s acts made Mike seriously despise violent and rude people.
Mike regrets that he didn't do anything to stop all this. He had the power to do something, he's close with his father Bernard and he could've said or done something.
This would've stopped Sergi's abuses.
Especially the abuses Joker has received from that foul man.
But then again, if he did speak would his father listen? Would Sergi get the karma he deserves?
Mike kept hearing from everyone in his troupe that his father has always been foul. Would that mean, even if he tells the situation, his father wouldn't do anything about it? But his father has always been kind to him.
Could there be a chance?
In the end, there's only guilt. And it's eating Mike alive.
As they reached the circus tent, Mike and Murro talked about if it's still possible to save Natalie from the flowing river. Unfortunately, the river was flowing too fast and for sure Natalie is no longer reachable as she most definitely had reached the depths of the river at this point and it would have been impossible for her to be alive at that rate. They also wondered if there's any way out of Moonlit River Park and Murro said there was still a cipher machine that's not been decoded. Probably decoding it would show them some sort of exit.
Mike was about to follow Murro when he suddenly found himself staring at Joker who sat there resigned. Joker may have sensed him looking as the red head stared back at him with stained tears on his face, a frown on his lips, eyebrows furrowed and his eyes looking empty.
They just stare at each other. Both seem to have something in mind.
"Mike? Are you okay?" Murro called out.
Mike glanced at Murro for a bit but went back to staring at Joker who was still looking at him.
"I think you should go ahead first, Murro." This made Murro confused, but he just hummed in agreement and went to the not decoded cipher machine, trusting Mike on whatever he was planning.
It was silent. The silence was really eerie.
"You should've followed him already." Joker started in an angry but tired tone. Even if he was glaring, his eyes still looked really empty.
Mike didn't say anything, he just kept looking at Joker's empty eyes. He once again remembered everything that happened earlier. His guilt is eating him again.
"What do you want? You already caught me, the one who wrecked your stupid delusional home. What else do YOU want, Mike Morton?" He saw Joker grit his teeth.
What does Mike want? What does he want?
The way Joker looked at him tells Mike that Joker has unsaid feelings and thoughts that he needs to say. Does he want to hear it? He fears it, but he shouldn't push them away anymore. Not at this moment where he realised a lot of things.
Might as well know everything else that Mike, himself, needs to know.
"Say something. Don't make me wait." Joker warned, still glaring at him.
"You still got guts to say that while tied up." His mouth moved on his own. Mike wasn't supposed to say that. He is NOT supposed to. Why did he say that? It only made Joker even angrier.
'Say something...' Mike realised what he wanted to do. He wants to converse with Joker by saying his unsaid feelings. The timing and place could be better, but this is the only chance he has.
"Stop kidding around, Mike. Just say whatever you are supposed to say! What? Do you want to kill me instead? At this moment? Then DO IT." Joker is losing his emotions again. "Do it. RIGHT. NOW. Because there's no point in being alive anymore... Natalie... Natalie is GONE. And I want to be NEXT."
"Joker-"
"There's no point... There's no point of living anymore... I'm just suffering at this point..."
"Joker."
There's no stopping Joker's emotions right now, he is once again losing it, blabbering so much nonsense. There's no control in Joker anymore, but Mike still wants to have a proper conversation with him.
"What are you waiting for, Mike?! Just end me here. AT THIS VERY MOMENT!"
"That's not what I want, Joker!"
"THEN WHAT IS IT?!"
The atmosphere was intense, it was putting Mike in a chokehold. He can't breathe from how pressuring the atmosphere is but he has to do something— he has to say what he actually felt.
Mike figured out what he wants to do, he wants to talk with Joker. But what does he want to say? Where can he start?
"You're just making me more impatient. I HAVE NO TIME ANYMORE! JUST-"
"Joker, I pity you."
The first thing Mike said out of his stressed mind, cutting off whatever Joker was going to say. Was he supposed to say that? No one knows, even Mike Morton doesn't know. But he looked at the floor after he said that.
He does feel pity for him, that is true.
Joker's eyes were wide when he heard that. Pity him? Mike Morton? After he's done that stupid Sergi act that exposed him being the killer?
Joker laughed, tired and empty, and it made Mike look back at him.
"Mike Morton... Oh, Mike Morton.... Stupid and shiny doll Mike Morton.. I will never understand you at all. You? Pitying me? All of the sudden?" He laughed again but his laugh is more broken this time and Mike wasn't able to say anything but he's still staring at him.
Joker stopped laughing and his face swapped to a blank expression.
"I hate you, Mike Morton."
......
"I've always hated you. I have ALWAYS hated YOU, Mike Morton! Your whole existence and guts, I despise YOU."
"You are so naive and stupid! I hate how blind you are with me and everyone else! And then suddenly you say things like you pity me? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU." Joker once again exploded but this time in a very tired manner. He doesn't know what to feel anymore at this very moment while Mike… Mike seems to be listening attentively to whatever he was going to say.
"There's one thing I don't ever understand at all." Joker paused at the moment, he let himself breathe for a bit before he started speaking again.
.....
"You are so stupid, so idiotic. And yet, I can't stop thinking about YOU."
Silence rang out after those words left Joker’s mouth. Did Mike hear that right? His eyes blinked a few times to process the information.
"You and your stupid existence! And I do not know why. WHY EXACTLY I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU?!"
"What... What do you mean?" Mike feels lost with what Joker just said. What does he mean by he can't stop thinking about him? This made Mike's heart beat faster. Out of fear? Out of pity? What exactly is it beating fast for?
"Of course you wouldn't understand... You never cared... You never cared for anyone…" Joker laughed pathetically, almost like laughing at himself.
Mike looked hurt when Joker said he never cared, but those words opened his eyes and made him think about it. Has he even properly shown how much he cares for the troupe? To Joker?
He was about to argue about it but ended up shutting his mouth closed, realizing that perhaps what Joker said is true.
Mike is still itching to know what Joker means with his words however. He doesn't understand why and how Joker seems to be thinking about him, always. In what way exactly?
He suddenly decided to go near Joker and sat in front of him in an attempt to show that he was willing to have this "one on one conversation", or whatever this may be.
"Joker, can you elaborate your words further?" Mike asked in an unexpectedly kind tone which disgusted Joker.
"And now all of the sudden you are kind to me after playing dirty by exposing me as the killer. You don't make sense at all."
"I'm... aware of that. But I need to know what exactly you mean by what you just said earlier."
Why is he acting like this? Why is Mike acting like this? Is it because this is the only chance he can get to have an actual conversation with Joker? The person he had feelings to? After so many years of not having a chance to be able to talk with him? He doesn't understand at all, but if it is a way to have a conversation with him then he will do it.
"Could you explain to me what you mean?"
Joker became silent, giving Mike obvious judging glares. He seems really tired to even care about what Mike's next move after having his emotions explode so many times. He doesn't know what Mike is playing and why is he suddenly so kind to him.
Joker closed his eyes and sighed roughly. He of course is not going to sound kind to Mike with whatever he is going to say. His thoughts will be unfiltered just like how he was when he got exposed earlier.
"What do I mean by all of that? I don't know. But I know it IRRITATES me anytime I see you. Even NOW."
Mike's lips formed a frown and looked away.
"It irritates me seeing you move, talk and have SO MUCH attention from everyone. You hog EVERYTHING to yourself and never think of ANYONE. Even ME. It could've been me, it could've been us, it could've been EVERYONE. But it was ONLY YOU!"
....
"It's not helping that right now, I am seeing YOU in front of ME. Your stupid blue eyes, your freckles. I am so lucky to not see your ANNOYINGLY big smile right now or I would've torn them off YOUR FACE."
....
"But why is it I CRAVE for them so deeply? WHY do I CRAVE seeing YOU and your stupid existence?!"
Mike looked at Joker the moment he said that. Joker... craves for him? What?
"I CRAVE to see you glance at me anytime you get the chance. CRAVE to see your stupid blue eyes, freckles and that annoyingly big smile. I CRAVE to see you move and talk."
"I get so irritated seeing you but WHY DO I CRAVE FOR YOU AND YOUR ATTENTION?"
Mike's eyes widened and he suddenly blushed. Did he... Did Joker just confess to him? There's no way it's anything else. It couldn't be platonic, especially how Joker described it.
Is this.... What Joker has been wanting to say ever since they stared at each other earlier?
So it's mutual. What he feels for Joker is mutual.
He saw Joker's expression darkened. "Why the hell are you blushing from what I just said?"
Shit, his blush is obvious. He attempted to cover it.
Mike doesn't know what to say but he is trying to process everything. At this very moment too, everything is at the wrong timing...
"Answer me. You're wasting my time AGAIN."
....
"Joker... I don't think you hate me." Should he be saying this? He doesn't know Joker that well and he doesn't have the right to judge. But at the same time... He thinks Joker is covering his admiration for him as hate. It really felt like that. But he is obsessed with Natalie so... It's impossible.
Unless... His obsession for her is never romantic to begin with?
For Joker's part, he is aware anytime Mike glances at him when he gets the chance back when the troupe was still "okay". He gets irritated with those glances but for some reason he always waits for those glances every single time. WHY does he even wait for them? What? So he can get irritated? It just doesn't make sense for Joker, so he just labeled it as he despises Mike deeply. He even describes his face's details... Does he really hate Mike?
"You're not making sense, Mike Morton. I ALREADY told you how I HATE YOU." Joker argued with such a harsh tone.
"I know! But the way you described everything, it's like you're just covering what you truly feel into "hating" me." Mike argued back with his blush evidently growing bigger.
"You act like you know better. Then what do I feel then, Mike Morton?!" Joker grumbles, rolling his shoulders in lieu of crossing his arms, impatiently waiting for Mike's answer.
...Should Mike even say it? Should he? Joker is expecting an answer so he should answer him. But what if he's just being delusional and he actually misunderstood Joker's words?
He doesn't know anymore.
Mike exhaled. But he decided he will say it anyways.
"Joker, you actually like me."
......
Joker choked out a laugh.
"Are you hearing yourself? Are you being delusional? Mike, I have ALWAYS hated you. I will NEVER like you. Are you also blind about the fact I'm focused on Natalie? You are so-"
"When a person likes someone, they tend to try to get someone's attention. And you just said you crave for my attention."
… Joker gulped.
"If it’s not like then what do those mean, Joker?"
Joker doesn't actually know. Joker doesn't know what it means. HE likes Mike Morton? He had believed in his entire life that he had hated Mike. He despises him, that's what he usually believes. But with this conversation Joker feels way more confused now. What if Mike is just fooling around with him again? But just by looking at Mike, at how Mike was serious when he stated that… Mike wasn’t fooling around.
In the end, Joker didn't say anything, refusing to face the older.
Mike sighed. "It's such a shame, Joker.. It's such a shame it ended this way."
....
"It's such a shame, we could've been friends. Or maybe something more."
Something more? What is Mike playing this time?
“Joker, I like you.”
“I have always liked you ever since you joined." Mike said with a sad smile plastered on his face.
Joker looked at him with a blank expression but he felt his heart sting from those words. Mike has... always liked him?
"The reason I always glance at you back then is because I like you. The reason I keep smiling around you is because I always hoped you'll smile back at me. I've always wondered if I were to be Natalie, would you give me the same attention as you gave to her? I know this probably wouldn't matter to you, but I have always adored you, Joker."
......
"It's a shame, Joker. Why does it have to end this way?" Mike laughed sadly with so much guilt in his voice. Joker didn't say anything, he gave up to give an answer or anything. But he is listening.
"Even though it ended this way, I still have these feelings for you. It hurt me so much, but I still like you. And I don't know if they will ever be gone."
With that Mike got up and walked to the exit to find Murro without so much as looking back at Joker, and Joker just watched him go.
.....
Maybe Mike was right. Maybe he does like him and has only flat out denied those thoughts and form them into some sort of hate. It is all thanks to his environment and how he was treated. Maybe if he was treated fairly, he would've seen properly how he feels for Mike without any resentment.
For some reason, Joker formed a small sad smile.
"...Stupid and shiny doll Mike Morton."
Is this our last dance?
Can we take another chance
To be alone together still?
Are we wasting time
Chasing dreams not yours or mine?
Care for you, I always will
As Mike and Murro solved the puzzle, they went back to the circus tent only to see that Joker is not around and has escaped. They saw the broken rope, a small puddle of blood and a blunt object from a music box near each other.
Mike frowned, it was obvious that Joker escaped and now could've been… The realization hit him harder than it should have.
His guilt is kicking him again.
It is definitely his fault why it led to this.
He was Joker's last straw.
But he has no regret that he finally told what he truly feels for Joker and was heard, despite the clear discontent from Joker.
Murro invited Mike to head near the exit gate and they both went there.
As they arrived near the exit gate, Mike looked back where the circus tent was. Murro, noticing Mike stop, asked what's wrong and Mike told him that he wanted to go back and have a moment.
Murro told not to think much about what Joker had said after the Sergi act and as much as Mike wants to do so, Joker mattered to him. Especially knowing now that Joker could've possibly liked him mutually.
Mike headed back to the circus tent.
As Mike had set the explosives in place, he looked back in front of the circus tent.
He remembers the old times in Hullabaloo and acknowledges that everyone was suffering in this place he called home, all had suffered. Except for him.
He realised how Hullabaloo has always been a bad place hidden under that shining spotlight and loud fireworks.
Echoes of Joker's angry voice floated around his mind, loud and reverberating.
Joker...
He reminisced the times he was innocently admiring Joker, his mind went back to his talk with him earlier, the realization that they both have mutual feelings for each other...
Mike let out a sad laugh, defeated and pitiful, tears falling down endlessly.
"Maybe somewhere, I can be together with you."
"Where there's no malice or hatred in our thoughts and feelings, Joker."
Then he struck the match and everything went up in flames.
......
Is this all we have?
Should we walk away at last
To be along together still?
Are we wasting time
Chasing dreams not yours or mine?
Care for you, I always will
You know I always will