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I got your message last night around 1:00
"What the fuck" Jeongin mumbled to nobody but himself as the stupid text notification on his phone started playing Believe by Cher on full blast, waking him up from an already lousy sleep. This was courtesy of his idiot roommate Jisung who refused to show him how to turn it off, seeking revenge for throwing out his dead fish in the toilet after letting him float there for 2 weeks. Jisung was, unfortunately (thankfully for him) not there or Jeongin would have kicked his twink ass off of the bunk bed they shared.
He reached for his phone without looking, banging his hand on the nightstand before finally clutching it to his face. Turning off Jisung's alarm and then reading the clock, 1:03 the time read. "Who the hell needs me at 1:00 fucking am" Jeongin angrily whispered to himself, the boy not usually this irritable with the major exception of the nighttime hours.
The number read unknown from the lock screen. Jeongin thought about just letting it go and going back to sleep, he needed it since tomorrow was his dreaded Bio exam. But a sinking feeling in his stomach told him to open his phone and read the message. For all he knew, it could be Felix using a stranger's phone to ask him to drive him back to the dorms from the club again.
Jeongin rubbed his eyes to adjust to the light of his phone and opened the messenger app before clicking the sender on the top of the screen. He read the multiple mistyped sentences fast, trying to tell who the hell was texting him so late at night. Skimming the words for a name, till he finally found one. It wasn't one he ever thought he'd hear of again.
You're getting married and you want me to come
You miss me a lot and the wedding's next month
I think you were drunk, you spelled "wedding" wrong
Unknown: hi
Unknown: it's been a long time since we talked sorry if it's random texting you
Unknown: i gut your number from Felix
Unknown: I guess i'll get to the point, i m getting married
Unknown: the weddying is next month
Unknown: it is going to be in beomcheon -dong
Unknown: next to seomyeon market
Unknown: we used to go there all the time remmber? i got to choose the location
Unknown: its the only thing i got to choose
Unknown: so yah
Unknown: oh you're invited by the way, guess I should've started with that sorry. It's the reason I texted you ha.
Unknown: i miss you
Unknown: think about it
Unknown: how cool would it be to have the whole gang bak together, you can bring any of your friends to come if you want
Unknown: but really think about it Hw-yang like the old times.
Unknown: I can almost hear you yelling my name in annoyance .
Unknown: "shut up Hyun-jin hyung"
Unknown: in that whiny voice you'd put on when you seriously liked it.
Unknown: wow its really late sorry
Unknown: Man you must think im crazy ha .
Unknown: sorry but i hope you come. If you don't then I know not to send you anything again. Goodnight Jeongin. It was nice knowing you.
Jeongin sat up so quickly, he almost hit the top bunk. Hwang Hyunjin. The dancing prince from his childhood, his gay awakening, the first crush to ever really mean something to him, and the boy who ultimately never was his. It had been 6 years since he had seen the boy, now man, in person, and Jeongin never imagined a world where that would change. This was that world apparently and in it, Hyunjin had decided to text him at 1:00 am about his wedding that was taking place in a month.
Now Jeongin needed to collect himself, he needed to breathe. His first love was getting married. To who? Was it a girl and was she someone he had known before? Did that even matter? He could be marrying a weasel for all he cared. He just needed to understand why Hyunjin would take the time to text him about it so suddenly.
They hadn't spoken in years, not even through their only remaining mutual, Felix. Chan had left for the States to work with a Hollywood music producer and that was the last he heard from him. Changbin went back to Seoul to run his family business and Felix had also left, returning to Australia for a year. Even after he had gone, he was adamant about staying in touch and returned to Korea to go to uni with Jeongin. He was grateful to Felix for doing that but it didn't make the times he brought up any of the others any easier. Felix noticed and stopped doing it altogether.
Jeongin reread everything much slower this time. So Felix gave Hyunjin his number after he asked for it? When? Felix had never brought it up to him before. And the weddings going to be in Busan of all places? Now that surprised him maybe more than it should. He was the Busan boy of their childhood friend group after all. Hyunjin and Changbin were from Seoul and Felix and Bangchan were from Australia. They were the transfer students who suddenly entered Jeongin's world 11 years ago respectively in their little middle school on the coast.
Why would Seoul city boy Hwang have his wedding in Busan? It didn't make any sense at all.
I used to break wishbones and pray that you liked me
And went to away games to pretend I liked fighting
Jeongin still vividly remembered the day that four older transfer students came to his middle school at the midpoint of the semester. He remembered the classroom where he sat and the annoyed thoughts running through his mind that day. 'Great more Seoul boys to bully him about his accent and braces' his younger self had thought. 'And foreigners who thought they were better than everyone else, this school year is going to be a disaster.'
Nobody else seemed to think the same though as his classmate's loud voices of anticipation rang through the classroom. The teacher eventually hushed everyone down before finally addressing what would happen. "Alright everyone, the moment is finally here. Your new classmates are coming very shortly and I need you all to sit quietly in your seats when that happens alright?" The classroom chimed in agreement as the door opened, four boys and the school principal entered the room.
Out of stubbornness, Jeongin looked away, staring at the window outside, wishing he was anywhere else. He drowned out the voices, old and new, and just stared at the clouds, thinking about how he could find excuses to get off of school chores before his bullies got out of basketball practice. He was so lost in thought that he did not hear the teacher's voice until Gaon to his front poked his shoulder.
"Yang Jeongin! Please pay attention and raise your hand. Our new students don't know your names yet and need your participation in where to sit. Go to the office after class alright." He took a second before the instruction registered and Jeongin awkwardly raised his hand as the class started laughing at his antics. He looked down as the shape of four boys passed him down the aisle. One sat behind him while the rest sat horizontally in the rear.
He didn't like the sense of being watched from the back and he knew the boy behind him was staring, he felt it. 'Maybe I should just ask him to stop now sooner than later' Jeongin thought. Sure it wouldn't be the best first (or second) impression, but Jeongin was getting way too tired of the same old same old, more than any thirteen-year-old should at least. So while the teacher announced the five-minute break, Jeongin courageously turned around and declared to the boy "Can you please stare anywhere else but the back of my head!" This was the first time Jeongin had actually looked at one of the new boys' faces and he quickly regretted not looking earlier. Behind him sat an angel in the shape of a fourteen-year-old boy. With perfectly placed eyes, a plump lip, and a beauty mark that tied his whole face together, Jeongin swore to himself that he had never seen anyone as beautiful.
Jeongin's shock at the boy's appearance allowed the boy in front of him a chuckle and smile before he responded with "What's wrong with staring? Isn't it more rude to ignore?" "I-I'm sorry your right," Jeongin responded quickly, too timid to say anything else. The boy smiled at the apology, answering back with "I'll forgive you if you let my friends and I sit with you at lunch." Jeongin was so surprised at the reply that it took him a second before he said, "Why? I'm not really someone you'd want to sit with anyway. I wasn't even very kind to you, so I'm confused." Again the boy just smiled and responded with "How do you know what I want?'
This was the start of a friendship like no other, weeks passed and Jeongin finally allowed himself to believe that the new boy and his friends, named Hyunjin, Changbin, Bangchan, and Felix respectively, actually liked spending time with him. And maybe he liked them a little two. It was crazy how soon he had gotten close to them, Chan with his older brother-like tendencies, Changbin's hilarious stunts, and Felix's kind mother-hen mindset. But it was very clear from the start that Hyunjin was the boy Jeongin was the most close to. The two just bonded uniquely, Jeongin had never felt so comfortable with anyone else before. It just felt different.
It didn't take long for Jeongin to notice how different his feelings for Hyunjin were. However, that didn't mean he chose to accept it. As two years passed Jeongin chose to keep those feelings buried deep inside. Trying to stay in line with what other boys his age acted and liked. Even though he hated going to school sports matches, that was what everyone "normal" did so he would too. When Felix or Changbin affectionately hugged him and messed up his hair in the hall, he made sure to frame dislike every time. When Hyunjin did it, it was even worse. 'He's just playing around, he doesn't mean anything by it,' Jeongin repeated to himself a dozen times.
You'd scan the crowd for my face with your eyes
Maybe I was in love or you were just nice
Maybe it would have been easier if Hyunjin wasn't so vague and unclear. One second he was flirting with an upperclassman girl and the next he complained about how Gong Yoo is a hundred times more attractive than Lee Minho. Jeongin just continued to do what he did best and buried it all in.
But sometimes it felt so different that Jeongin didn't know how to think or respond. Once during club rush, the halls of the school were so packed with students that Jeongin got separated from the rest of the group and lost them. He searched, trying to find Hyunjin's tall frame in the sea of people. He found him a few meters away scanning the crowd in worry. It isn't till his eyes meet Jeongin's that he smiles, waves, and heads back to Jeongin. "You scared me, Idiot! I thought something bad happened after you disappeared," Hyunjin exclaimed as he pushed through the crowd. He put his arm over Jeongin's shoulder and walked up the hall again, this time not letting go of Jeongin till they made it to the rest of the group outside.
Jeongin remembers being quiet the rest of that day, too lost in his head to respond to any words spoken to him. He couldn't get the picture of Hyunjin's face after spotting him out of his mind. Did he look at everyone like that or just him? Was there any meaning behind it or was Jeongin trying to put meaning into something that wasn't there? Hyunjin was nice to almost everybody, so was it really anything special? Jeongin at the time really hoped it was.
Mmm a rush kinda like the old times
After all of these years, I still cross your mind
Or maybe you thought you'd reach out to be nice
But why'd you invitе me in the middle of the night?
Back in the present for a short moment, Jeongin put his phone down and stared out the window. Why was he doing this to him again? Couldn't he just pretend they never knew each other? Wouldn't that be easier for both of them? Jeongin admits that this wasn't the first time he'd thought about Hyunjin in a while, not even in this month alone.
Every time he tried to go on a blind date with one of Felix's million friends, it always left a bitter feeling in his heart and he never asked for a second. No matter how nice the date was. He cursed Hyunjin for that, he cursed him many times.
But it was all for not since the boy he had been devoted to even after so long was getting married in a month. The audacity to invite him, who even gets married at 25? Jeongin shoved his pillow in his head and tried so hard to wipe the texts out of his memory. It shouldn't be this hard to get someone you haven't seen in forever out of your head.
Of course, this would have been easier if that day seven years ago had never happened, if that day had never come to be and never ended the way it did.
Do you remember when you thought your dad was dying?
The day started like any other. The block period was finally ending, and the next class was about to begin. Changbin and Bangchan were in their usual debate—Korea or Australia, which country was better at football? Felix was texting his sister about her first date back in Sydney. Hyunjin was doodling on Jeongin’s arm when the teacher called him to the office, most likely to discuss his dress code violations. Hyunjin gave a playful wave to the group and sauntered out of the room as if it were just another day.
Jeongin didn’t think much of it, at first. But when two periods passed and Hyunjin hadn’t returned, Jeongin began to worry. He asked the others if they knew where Hyunjin had gone. “He probably got sent home, man,” Felix shrugged. “You know, five piercings over the limit, and that nail polish probably didn’t help.” Changbin laughed, “The idiot probably flipped off the principal again.”
His friend's jokes didn't make him feel any better and he waited patiently till school ended to text Hyunjin about what had transpired.
Jeongin : Hey you good?
Jeongin: Did you get dress-coded like last time? Why did you leave school?
Jeongin: You're ok right?
It took a few minutes to get a response.
Hyunjin: My dad is in the hospital.
Hyunjin: I'm home.
Was his dad sick or hurt? Hyunjin didn't really like his dad, but he still mattered to him in a way. What could he do to help?
Jeongin: Do you want me to come over?
Jeongin: I get it if you need to be alone.
Hyunjin: No.
Hyunjin: You can come.
I ran to your house in the middle of the night
When you found out he wasn't, caught in the moment
I kissed you and then you got quiet
Jeongin rushed from school to Hyunjin's house on his old beat-up bike and almost ran over a few people on the way. ' How was Hyunjin doing' was all Jeongin could think about the whole time. Finally, he made it and entered the front door code, something that was memorized after all the times going to the boy's house. He sped up the stairs and knocked on Hyunjin's room. "Come in," was his response, and Jeongin obeyed.
The room looked like it always did with every wall being covered in British band posters, Hyunjin's art, and photos of the group taken during different hangouts. Hyunjin was sitting on the floor leaning on his bed with a sketchbook. Jeongin sat beside him noticing that he was fiddling with the pencil in his hand but saw that the page was empty. "How are you doing?" Jeongin asked quietly since he didn't know if bringing up Hyunjin's dad would be the best course of action. "Fine, the hospital is going to call me in a bit with news about how he's doing," Jeongin took notice of the phone next to Hyunjin's side.
It was quiet for a second until Hyunjin asked, "Can I draw you? I've been staring at the ceiling for an hour doing nothing." "Of course you can, you do it all the time," Jeongin joked and arranged himself in front of Hyunjin, "Throw me a pillow, I don't want my legs to fall asleep."
The two of them stayed in that pose for a while, Hyunjin putting on some indie radio on his phone and lit a few candles as the sun set outside. Jeongin liked watching Hyunjin draw, it was inspiring how serious he seemed to be while working on a piece. Finally, Hyunjin was finished and beckoned Jeongin to sit by him while closing his eyes. "Ok open them!" Hyunjin said and when Jeongin saw the sketch, he smiled. "Do you like it?" asked Hyunjin and Jeongin responded with "Yes, it's very good. Your art is always amazing." Hyunjin had a huge smile on his face and was about to say something but then his phone rang. They both knew who it was.
"Yes, this is Hwang Hyunjin. No, I didn't know that. Ok, Yes, thank you very much," was all Jeongin heard from the boy beside him before he hung up. "So, um, was it good news?" asked the younger boy. “He’s fine. He’s going to be okay.”
Hyunjin’s eyes welled up, and that’s when Jeongin saw him for what he truly was—vulnerable, beautiful. He really did love Hyunjin didn't he? In an impulsive moment, Jeongin closed the distance between them and kissed him. It didn't take long for him to snap back into reality as he pushed away to see a shocked face with tear stains and a stunned look.
You could've hurt me, it would've been easy
We were that age where boys started being mean to be mean
But you took my hand and asked me to dance
To nothing and never brought it up again
"I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that. I'm so sorry," Jeongin's eyes started to tear up, and the words stuttered out of his mouth. He got up and started pacing around the room restlessly. He looked down where Hyunjin was still sitting, but the boy didn't move an inch and no expression, anger or anything else, showed on his face. "Listen, you can't imagine how sorry I am, I'm going to leave and you never have to speak to me again. I understand why you wouldn't," Jeongin said as he started grabbing his things to leave. Again no response. Jeongin took this as a sign to leave.
He was about to open the bedroom door when the music changed to instrumental. He turned around to see Hyunjin standing next to him grabbing his hand. "I'm so tired of being sad today, you know what helps? Dancing," Hyunjin dragged Jeongin back to the center of the room and started swaying to the music. When Jeongin just stood there and stared in confusion, Hyunjin exclaimed, "Didn't you come here to cheer me up? You can't do that by not dancing with me now, can you? It's tradition and law in the Hwang household." Jeongin would do anything to make Hyunjin happy and if this was what Hyunjin wanted to do after the kiss, then Jeongin would do it. Even if that meant never getting to be with him again after.
They danced for what felt like hours until they both collapsed on the floor, gasping for air.
“Sorry,” Jeongin whispered, his chest tight.
Hyunjin shrugged, his eyes closing. “You say sorry too much. You don’t need to say it unless you mean it, okay?”
“I really am sorry,” Jeongin replied.
“You don’t have to be,” Hyunjin said, and that was the last time the kiss was ever mentioned.
Mmm if I saw you what would I say?
Would we act like we can't see that nothing's the same?
The days after were like the ones before, It seemed like a dream only he remembered. Hyunjin still talked to him like nothing happened, clinging to him like he didn't radiate an awkward air. The others thought nothing of it saying ridiculous things like "Innie is going through his awkward phase," or "I didn't think we'd get emo Jeongin so soon." If keeping it all in was hard before, it was a million times worse after the kiss. Jeongin tried desperately to play it off as Hyunjin did so successfully but it was to no avail.
Jeongin felt bad but he couldn't just pretend it didn't affect him like Hyunjin. Maybe the reason was because Hyunjin felt nothing for him that made it easy. But Hyunjin never clarified what he felt, just silently agreeing to never bring it up again, and that was something Jeongin couldn't live with. He wouldn't demand an answer from the older boy, no he couldn't. So Jeongin did the next best thing. He couldn't stay close to the boy any longer and though every part of him wanted to stay, his heart couldn't take it anymore. The years with the group had been great, but maybe it was time for a change.
It started off slow. Jeongin couldn't just run away from the four boys, not when they were the way they were. When it was lunchtime, he'd use studying as his reason for not eating with them. When they planned to go to the mall, Jeongin would say that he needed to take care of his younger brother. When they went to the movie theater, Jeongin said he was sick with a cold. It was harder every time, but slowly the message seemed to get across. The group stopped inviting him to events and didn't even ask him why he'd stopped sitting with them.
He started spending time with a sarcastic boy he befriended during his "studying" trips to the library, Kim Seungmin, and even told him about his issues. Seungmin didn't agree with his methods but never judged him and even helped Jeongin when he was avoiding the older boys.
Soon it was like they were strangers, only Felix texted him every so often to check on the younger boy. Soon it was senior year and only a few months till graduation. Jeongin hadn't talked to the boys in over a year and now he would probably never see them again. It hurt but Jeongin was hoping to let bygones be bygones and start fresh in college.
The universe didn't seem to agree so quickly and had one last encounter left for Jeongin. This would come one month before graduation.
We used to make fun of kids marrying young
But it's not as funny when it's someone you loved
That day, Jeongin sat on the steps outside the school, waiting for Seungmin. He was humming a trot melody when he saw Jihyo and Kai walking hand in hand, both wearing engagement rings. It was surreal. The two had gotten engaged a week ago and were the talk of the whole school. Jeongin couldn't believe it when Seungmin told him when they were texting each other late at night. "Let's see how long that lasts," Jeongin said out loud to no one but himself. He wasn't expecting a response back.
"You find the whole engagement thing crazy too? I spit out my drink when Felix told me, wild times we're living in," said a voice sitting down right next to him. It was one he'd dreamed about many times before. As Jeongin turned to look at him, Hyunjin gave him a little smile and an awkward wave. Without thinking Jeongin's body started to sit up but the older boy grabbed him by his shoulder stopping him. "Wait, I really want to talk to you. Just for a little bit, one last time before graduation." Jeongin reluctantly sat back down, staring at the ground not sure of what to say or do.
"We're all leaving you know, everyone. Chan's going to pursue music producing, Changbin's taking over his family's business and Felix misses Australia, I don't know why you stopped talking to us but I think they deserve a goodbye before everyone leaves." ' You really don't know why' Jeongin thought to himself. “What about you? Where are you going after graduation?” he asked, not meeting Hyunjin’s eyes.
“Seoul. Art school, if my dad lets me,” Hyunjin said, his voice quiet.
That's very you," Jeongin thought aloud.
"Yeah, I guess it is."
Awkward silence.
"So, will you do it?" "Yeah, I will." "Great." "Totally."
Awkward silence.
"Well, when are you going to start?" "I guess Changbin since we have English together," said Jeongin after thinking a bit. "When will you say goodbye to me?"
Silence. Say goodbye to Hyunjin? What a strange feeling the thought gave him, like it was somehow the most wrong thing to do. "I guess right now." This wasn't good, the stubborn part of his brain was in control and Jeongin wasn't saying what his heart truly wanted. "Oh ok," the tone Hyunjin spoke in made Jeongin's heartbreak. "Bye, it was nice knowing you," stupid stupid brain. "Yeah, you too." As Hyunjin stood up, he faltered but soon started walking down the stairs. Jeongin watched as he started walking out to view and it was torture.
By the time Seungmin came out of practice, he was met with a sobbing mess of a person who was Jeongin. "Hyunjin?" asked the athlete. The crying boy just nodded before placing his head on his shoulders. It stayed that way till the sunset.
Mmm I wanna call you with a hand in my pants
And let you say drunk little things you'll regret
But I'd just be the reason that somebody cries
That was the last time Jeongin had spoken to the artist. The day still haunted him, why was he so stupid at seventeen? Why couldn't he have just been better at understanding his emotions? Why did he have to bring others into it? So many questions ran through Jeongin's mind. ' It's in the past, you can't change the past Jeongin' is what he kept telling himself.
He continued to reread the texts over and over again. He knew Hyunjin was drunk, the older boy was always so strict with his spelling. What a thought. A drunk Hyunjin. Jeongin never got to see the group have their first drink together. He was alone in a crusty bar when he had his first, it was the night of his nineteenth birthday and underwhelming, to say the least.
That disgusting, stubborn part of his brain hoped that Hyunjin was an unhappy drunk, chaining himself to the prison that was a marriage that would make him regret all his choices. Maybe he should call him? Make him admit that he was wrong, that ugly part of his brain enjoyed the thought.
But Jeongin wasn't a teenager anymore, Those vile thoughts didn't control him anymore. Hyunjin didn't do anything wrong. He never did. It was always Jeongin who was in the wrong and he knew that now. Hyunjin didn't deserve to feel any sort of regret and no tear should be shed for Jeongin's sake.
But then why'd you invite me in the middle of the night?
God, Jeongin hoped Hyunjin was happy. He hoped that the boy was living his best life. But why did the boy, no man, choose to invite him? He knew Hyunjin probably came to the same realization that Jeongin was always the cause of the problem. He wouldn't even blame him for thinking it, but still. Why did he choose now, in the middle of the night?
Jeongin just stared out the window. Quiet. Thinking of reasons.
'I should probably stop making up ideas' thought Jeongin. It couldn't lead to anything good. He opened up his phone and started typing a draft.
Jeongin: Yeah, you too.
A draft that would stay a draft.
I'll never know why
Cause I'll never reply
So you can just stay nice
In the back of my mind
Jeongin put the phone down. He placed it back on the nightstand he had picked it up from minutes earlier. It was best this way, for the both of them. Hyunjin deserved better than a boy who abandoned him in the past, a boy who never told him how much he loved him and didn't even show it at the end either. Jeongin was ok not knowing. Even if it might haunt him for a while. He wanted Hyunjin to stay nice and wonderful in his head. He couldn't go to the wedding because he would want nothing more than to speak now and tell the older boy every feeling he had. He couldn't go cause even if he said nothing, he couldn't pretend to be happy for the couple.
He just hoped that on that day, a month in the future, Hyunjin would be thinking of everything but him. Then Jeongin wouldn't have to ever think about what could have been. He would just let Hyunjin remain in his memory, as the boy who invited him to his wedding in the middle of the night. Nothing less, Nothing more. Goodbye, Hyunjin, it was wonderful knowing you once.