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In his dreams, there are prisons, hotels, and bridges. In his dreams, there are overflowing bathtubs, burning pianos, and scattered flower petals. In his dreams, there are lollipops and apples and cocktail glasses filled with pills.
Sometimes he dreams of train tracks covered in snow and ice. Taehyung wishes he could dream of the train tracks every night. Nothing really happens in those dreams, not like in the other ones anyways. All he does is sit on the tracks and wait. He’s not sure what he’s waiting for, and he’s not sure that it matters.
It’s much better than watching fist fights, people falling off buildings and bridges, people drowning, and people burning. The train tracks are much nicer in comparison. That’s what he’s used to.
Last night was different though. Last night he sat on the train tracks, or more accurately he laid with his head on the tracks, and he waited for the train to come. This time it did.
It was soundless. Taehyung watched it come right for him. It never stopped, but he never moved either.
He blinked.
He woke up.
Taehyung wakes up in the bed of Jin’s truck. He wakes up in Jimin and Jungkook’s arms. He wakes up looking at the stars.
The smell of salt water is overwhelming, the sound of the waves crashing on the beach is comforting, and the breeze coming off the water is cold. He wishes he could wake up like this all of the time. It’s not possible, but he still wishes.
Things are supposed to get better now. After all this time, they finally made it back to the beach. It’s all supposed to come full-circle now. It’s all supposed to be over.
Taehyung isn’t convinced it will ever be over. Nothing has been fixed, only delayed. Jimin is still being hunted down by his parents, Jungkook is still throwing himself into danger, Hoseok is still sick, Yoongi is still depressed, Namjoon is still stuck in his circumstances…
His own father is still alive.
Seokjin is still tormented by the loop.
He isn’t sure he cares if anything ever changes, as long as they still get this . As long as they still get to make impromptu trips to the beach, cuddle up together, and pretend their problems don’t exist. Pretending is so much easier.
Anxiety courses through his veins once again. He gingerly untangles himself from the mess of warm, sleepy limbs, and climbs out of the truck. Now that he can properly see the sky, there’s a tinge of pink on the horizon. The sun will rise soon and he’ll eventually have to go back home.
For now, he walks right up to the edge of the ocean and sits. The water laps up around his legs with every push and pull of the current. The breeze is unpleasantly cool. It’s perfect.
Taehyung isn’t sure how long he spends watching the water, but he allows himself to zone out. He allows his mind to completely empty itself in a way that it only can when he feels safe.
Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? This is the safest he’s been in two years. His family -his real family- is just behind him. If something were to happen, he could scream and they would come running. He doesn’t have to worry about his next meal or the next time he can sleep peacefully. He’ll figure it out with his family later, after they’ve all gotten some more rest.
For now, it’s just him, the ocean, and the quickly fading stars. This is the moment he wants to have forever.
The next time he blinks, dawn has passed altogether. Losing time isn’t abnormal for him, the others are used to it anyways. Sometimes they’ll playfully complain about how he never remembers their conversations, but they really do understand why. It’s beyond comforting to finally have the simple act of understanding after years of yearning for it.
Out of the corner of his eye, he watches Hoseok sit beside him on the quickly warming sand. Hoseok smiles at him, wide and beaming and beautiful. Taehyung’s heart skips a beat, overwhelmed with adoration for his friend.
“You’re up early,” Hoseok remarks.
Taehyung looks back at the ocean and shrugs, “So are you, hyung. What time is it?”
“Almost 7, the others should start waking up soon. We’ll probably leave soon, since we don’t have any food here and if I’m already getting hungry then everyone else will be too,” Hoseok says, already tapping his foot against the sand in anticipation for the day to start.
Taehyung laughs softly, “Jungkookie will eat someone’s leg if we’re not careful.”
“Maybe we should volunteer Yoongi-hyung, keep him from running off as much as he does,” Hoseok says conspiratorially, like a special secret between just the two of them.
Against his better judgment, Taehyung risks looking at his hyung. For just a split second, he sees Hoseok with a bloody gash down the side of his head, his skin gray, lips blue, cheeks hollow, and eyes open but unseeing. As quickly as the image of his friend came to him, it leaves, and Hoseok is back . Looking at his friends, really seeing his friends, is so hard these days. Distantly, Taehyung wonders if Seokjin has been struggling with that too.
Taehyung cocks his head to the side and quickly plasters on a smile, “Or Namjoonie-hyung, and keep him from overworking himself.”
Hoseok throws his head back and laughs loudly and freely, causing a tight ball of something in Taehyung’s chest to unravel just enough to let him breathe. He desperately clings to the emotion that floods through his veins, tries to memorize every little detail, because he knows he’ll need it later.
“ What could be so funny this early in the morning?” Yoongi asks grumpily, but as he sits down on Hoseok’s other side the fondness in his eyes is obvious.
Taehyung startles just for a moment, caught off guard by Yoongi’s sudden arrival. He should’ve heard the car door opening and closing or Yoongi’s steps down the beach towards them, but he didn’t. He must’ve just been too distracted and the waves too loud to really notice. He tries to pretend that he’s okay with that.
“We’re going to sacrifice your leg to Jungkookie-ah so that we can all live to see noon,” Taehyung explains with a grin. This is fine. Everything is fine.
Yoongi rolls his eyes, “Ah, of course, what else.”
Hoseok nudges Yoongi with his shoulder, “Aww, cheer up, hyung. We still haven’t decided between you and Namjoon-ah anyways.”
“As soon as Seokjin-hyung wakes up, there won’t be a decision to make,” Yoongi grumbles, but then smirks, “Let’s just hope hyung wakes up before Jungkook-ah does, Namjoon-ah needs his leg for those long shifts.”
Hoseok shakes his head, “Maybe the nearest convenience store has enough ramen to keep our maknae at bay then.”
“Just one convenience store? You’re optimistic.”
“Always have been, always will be,” Hoseok says with a shrug.
The conversation devolves from there, and Taehyung promptly zones out.
He wants to trap this moment in his hands forever. They’re all safe right now and right here. They’re all alive right now and right here. Whatever they’re all going through, he wants it to be over. He wants the rest of their lives to be lived with this much warmth, laughter, and love. Even if the underlying sense of doom is palpable between them all, it doesn’t matter. At least all seven of them are alive.
That evening, with his father’s blood dripping down his hands and splattered across his face, all Taehyung can think about are those icy train tracks. When his eyes meet Seokjin’s and the world around them begins to crumble and fade, he dreads doing all of this again.