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ShadowClan filtered off the Gathering Island, but Blackstar did not join them. After their latest meeting, their talk had turned to Tigerstar, and that evoked ghosts that he did not have the strength to meet that night. He would give them time to return to camp, where their thoughts would turn to their nests or their next hunt. Their whispers of the past would grow distant, and he could tolerate it a little longer.
Mistystar went down first, and then Onestar, eager to make their journeys back home. Despite being a formidable tomcat, he melted into the shadow and slipped down the back of the oak.
He needed to be alone. In the pine forest, he never truly was. If one of his warriors wasn't lurking in the shadow of some tree, then he could feel the spirits of ShadowClan around him.
The stars on the other hand were cold and distant, and for once he found himself grateful for it. Silver light shivered in the heavens. Some day they would judge him, but for now, they would pay his thoughts little heed.
"Did you see something, Blackstar?" A voice called from above.
Blackstar frowned and looked over his shoulder as the flame-branded tabby raced down the oak trunk, lashing his tail moodily. He didn't have the mental energy to humor ThunderClan's golden tom.
"Mind your own business, Firestar," he growled.
Firestar trotted past, nose to the air. He drew deep breaths and tested the scents on the wind, only finding the same cold, damp smell of the lake that Blackstar did.
"You've been tense, lately" Firestar pressed. "Yes, even for you."
He thinks he's kin to everyone, thought Blackstar, glaring and then closing his eyes. Russetfur won't let me down if I confided in him.
How could Firestar expect him to go back so easily? They had been enemies at times, allies others, but never friends. Blackstar for a while had thought of him as familiar, but then Russetfur died at the paws of one of his warriors. Lionblaze had taken her life so carelessly, with a strength granted him by the heavens.
"No matter how long we go on, we can't seem to get out from beneath Tigerstar's foot," said Blackstar.
"It never stays for long," replied Firestar. "I'll see to that."
Blackstar sighed. Firestar had earned the right to be proud, he supposed. Once he might have mocked the former-kittypet for his bravado, but they knew well each other's trials. Each victory they secured gave them the strength to face the next trial.
But there was always a next trial.
"How do you do it?" he asked. Perhaps he was letting his guard down in his old age. Perhaps he just didn't care about keeping up appearances anymore. "Charge at the end of the world without fear."
Firestar laughed to himself, as if he'd said something funny. He gave his pelt a brisk shake. "Because it's not the end of the world. Should the worst come to pass, StarClan waits for me."
"StarClan." This time it was Blackstar who laughed. "Really?"
"Really," said Firestar. "When I needed them most, they were always at my side. They'll be there for you, too."
Blackstar wished he could believe it. It felt like a cruel joke that the former kittypet was favored among their ancestors while the prayers of warriors like himself went unanswered.
Not that I can remember the last time I prayed, he thought. He had spoken with his ancestors after the eclipse, but it wasn't the same. He still did not believe in his heart that they would stand for ShadowClan, and in many ways, he could not blame them.
"I'm tired, Firestar."
Of all the things that he could confess, those two words felt the most damning. ThunderClan's leader had been there to witness his greatest shame and his worst sins. Despite them, his ancestors saw fit to place ShadowClan in his charge.
Despite the weakness in his words, Firestar did not judge him.
The fire-pelted tabby shifted closer.
Blackstar jolted at the feeling of warm fur brushing under his chin.
"I'm tired too."
He should have pulled away, but he couldn't deny himself the tom's touch.
"You shouldn't do that."
Firestar nipped his throat. "We all take small comforts from time to time. It's all right."
Blackstar grunted. Tigerstar had Sasha. Even Brokenstar had turned to certain pleasures to take the edge off his gruesome undertakings.
And he'd taken comfort in the company of another tom, for a while. It felt like a log raft in the middle of a great roaring river, but all it had done in the end was pull him far down the wrong path.
"Tell me you don't need this," said Firestar, "and I'll walk away."
Blackstar hated him a little for that. A ShadowClan warrior's silence was theirs to keep. Firestar twisted it, took control of it, and stole its meaning.
The worst part was that he was not wrong.
He would not let Firestar groom him, though. He muscled the cat away from his shoulder and gave a brusk rasp over the back of his neck. Firestar shivered, and he could tell the tom didn't mean to.
A rumble shook Blackstar's chest. It felt good to see StarClan's chosen lose control for once.
"Firestar?" A queen's voice cut across the island. Firestar jerked up, pulling away toward the sound of his mate calling.
"Coming, Sandstorm!" he called.
Blackstar let his fur smooth down. The moment had passed. Heat receded from his nerves, and the kindling excitement in his belly fell under the frost of doubt. He faced the moon and pretended to search it for meaning while the other tom left.
He listened to Firestar's steps grow faint through the grass.
Then they stopped and turned.
"You're never alone," said Firestar. "Not ever. Not truly."
Blackstar's tail tip twitched. "StarClan walks with me, hm?"
"I do," said Firestar. "Down the same, tiresome trail."
Blackstar didn't reply.
But he did look back, meeting the tom's gaze across the grass.
"We'll meet again," Firestar promised. "Many times. As soon as this is over."
Blackstar nodded, and Firestar walked away.
He means it. He always means it. I think he believes he'll be able to keep his promise.
Any other cat he would doubt, but Firestar always found a way.
"When we meet again," Blackstar said, letting the faintest ember in his heart smolder still.