Work Text:
Mu Qing rests his hand on his chest, where is heart beats a steady rythm. It's only still beating because Feng Xin saved him.
Feng Xin, who hates him, who can't stand his guts even on a good day and who Mu Qing's heart aches for since eight centuries ago now. He had thought he might get over it, but he never did. He would have died without ever telling anyone.
But he's alive, lying on a bed in the tent they set up after the final battle, wrapped in blankets. And he has hope.
Feng Xin did not want him to die despite everything. So maybe…Just maybe…He might feel the same way about Mu Qing that Mu Qing feels towards him.
Normally he would not dare wish for something like this. But why else would Feng Xin have saved him if not…His thoughts get interrupted when Feng Xin enters the tent, salve in his hands.
Another reason for Mu Qing’s hope – Feng Xin tends to his wounds everyday since he'd nearly burned to death in the lava. It still hurts a lot and he can’t walk around without help for long, but everytime those calloused hands brush over his burns tenderly, not wanting to inflict more pain than necessary…He forgets the burning pain, exchanged by a burning heat instead, rushing through his body, making his mind go wild with thoughts about these hands wandering further.
The way Feng Xin’s hands shake everytime they reach Mu Qing‘s thighs give reason to think he is in a similar state.
„Feng Xin“, Mu Qing breaths out when Feng Xin finished applying the salve to his legs with furrowed brows, fully concentrated on his task.
„Feng Xin“, he repeats with more strength in his voice. I want you. I need you. I…love you.
Words have never been Mu Qing’s strong trait.
He can‘t say all those things, even though his mind wants to scream them out in the open. But he can show him through action.
In a slow motion, Mu Qing bends forward, bringing their faces closer together. Feng Xin’s frown deepens. „Mu Qing?“
Hearing his own name spoken in this deep, raspy voice when he thought he would never hear it ever again- it overcomes him.
He leans in, connecting their lips. He has waited so long for this. It needed a near death experience to give him the courage, but finally-
when strong hands suddenly grab him by the shoulders, he realizes something is not right.
The lips he kisses don’t respond to him.
No clear thoughts form in his head when Feng Xin’s hands push him away abruptly, still holding him by the shoulders, and bringing distance between them. He has pushed him back only a few centimeters but it feels like there is suddenly a mile-wide gorge between them.
Mu Qing’s lips shiver, the last tingle of Feng Xin’s rough lips dying down on them.
Both look at each other with wide eyes.
„What- Mu Qing- what-“
Mu Qing presses his lips together tightly.
Feng Xin’s expression displays confusion. „What are you thinking- I…- Did you really think we could just-“
Feng Xin shakes his head violently in an attempt to clear his thoughts.
„Mu Qing. Why did you do that?“
Those shocked eyes looking at him, he can’t bare it. He feels so exposed, embarassed, alone. His heart is bleeding, hurting more than the burns on his body ever did.
„Why did you save me then?“, he asks, eyes cast down on his hands gripping into the bedsheets to hide their violent shaking.
„I- I don’t know, I-“
Mu Qing’s head snaps upwards, eyes widening more from the piercing shock rushing through his body.
He slides back closer to the wall, making Feng Xin’s hands fall down from his shoulders and lifelessly hanging down his sides.
„You don’t know?“ He huffs, and lets out a pained chuckle. „So it was only your stupid morals after all. I am so pathetic. I should have known.“
„Mu Qing-“
„Why did I ever think there could have been a different reason? If it wasn’t for your righteousness, you would have liked watching me die. At least I know now. Hah. Shouldn‘t surprise me.“
„Mu Qing!“
A hand reaches out, touching his arm, and he snaps.
„Get. Out.“ His voice is low, dangerous.
„No, let me renew the bandages on your arm, your wound-“ Feng Xin sounds unsteady, maybe overwhelmed. Mu Qing doesn’t care.
„Don’t make me laugh. You only tend to me because you enjoy seeing me injured, don’t you? You enjoy being superior, me having to rely on you. Isn’t that what this is all about? Should have spared yourself the trouble and just let me die.“
Feng Xin’s expression grows darker and darker with every word Mu Qing says. „You know what, maybe I should have!“
The second the words are out, both flinch.
Again, Feng Xin’s hand touches Mu Qing’s arm. This touch. He wanted to be touched by those hands for so long. Feel them everywhere on his body, but now all they make him feel is like throwing up.
„Get the fuck away from me!“
„No, you can’t do this yourself, I need to-“
Mu Qing has enough of it. He doesn’t let him finish speaking, but uses all his strength to push Feng Xin away, catching him off guard. He uses the moment to stand up on shaky legs, trying to reach the tent’s exit.
„If you won’t leave, I will“, he spits out, but doesn’t come far. Feng Xin is already there when he falls, catching him as if he cares, as if he didn’t just say he’d rather have him dead.
Mu Qing laughs desperately. He can’t help it, his heart constricts being held by those arms. It’s still beating for him, every thump pushing the broken shards deeper and deeper into his flesh, hurting, hurting, … If his spiritual energy wasn’t this low right now, he would have qi deviated on the spot, he knows as much.
„Mu Qing. I will ask someone else to tend to you from now on.“
He hadn’t realized he was crying until now, as his tears dried out, replaced by a sudden numbness. Icy coldness rushes through his veins at once. That’s it. Feng Xin is fed up with him now, dropping off the nuisance of patching him up to someone else.
„I hate you“ is the only answer he can give, but it’s a lie. I hate how much I still love you would have been closer to the truth, I hate myself the crushing confession.
„Fine“ is the response he receives. It’s obvious. Feng Xin does not want his love, he doesn’t even care enough to hate him back anymore.
He carries Mu Qing the few steps back to his bed, lays him down…and then he’s gone.
Gone.
Mu Qing stares at the entrance a few minutes.
His nails dig into his own flesh under the blanket, until it hurts.
„Fuck“, he mouths, and when he realizes his mind speaks that word in Feng Xin’s voice, he buries his face in the pillow.
„Mu Qing? Sorry to wake you, but I need to take a look at your wounds.“
Heavy eyelids open and reveal Xie Lian standing next to Mu Qing’s bed, a smile on his lips which doesn’t reach his eyes.
So Feng Xin had asked him to take over. Mu Qing wishes he would have just sent some random deputy.
Mu Qing rolls his eyes. It’s unpleasant, as they feel strained and sticky after yesterday’s crying session. He feels truly miserable thinking back on it.
„Get it over with.“
He changes into a seating position and Xie Lian immediately starts to inspect Mu Qing’s arm, preparing to apply the salve.
It’s…weird. Having Xie Lian tend to him feels wrong, even after everything that happened. With Feng Xin on the other hand it’s natural. Was.
Apparently the silence bothers Xie Lian after some time.
„You know you can always talk to me, right? If there is something burdening you, I’d like to listen and help. It’s what friends do.“
He looks at Mu Qing with warm honey-like eyes.
„It’s nothing.“
„Really? Feng Xin seemed very on edge yesterday, when he asked me to look after you, so I assumed something must have happened.“
The concern lacing his voice makes Mu Qing avert his gaze.
„He hates me. Nothing new.“
At that, Xie Lian frowns. „Hates you? I got the impression you two grew quite close, I am sure you must have misundersto-“
„Please stop.“ He can’t listen to this, not when he himself had thought they had grown closer, not quite friends, but surely not enemies. What a miscalculation. Misunderstanding seems to be the title of his life.
„Just…stop.“
Xie Lian sighs sadly, but gives in. He has enough worries of his own, no need to burden him with Mu Qing’s aswell.
So, he tells Mu Qing about news from the mortal realm, about Pei Ming startling whenever the Rain Master comes near…it’s a nice distraction which he appreciates.
The following days go down pretty similar, until the day Mu Qing is finally able to walk around on his own again, and doesn't need assistance with his burns anymore.
At first, he doesn’t really want to go outside. He might bump into Feng Xin, and he isn’t sure whether he could handle it.
The Heavenly Capital would soon be habitable again though and then he wouldn’t be able to completely keep out of Feng Xin’s way anyway, so he rather gets it over with sooner than later.
When he finally steps out to take a walk he soon realizes there was no need to ponder so much. Feng Xin is nowhere to be seen. For days. This somehow doesn't ease him though, but rather lets anxiety creep through his veins.
Surely he just went to supervise the construction of his palace. Or has some business regarding his believers.
On the fourth day, someone comes up to Mu Qing, snapping him out of his thoughts.
„Looking for a certain Martial God?“ Pei Ming asks with raised brows, hand on his hip and a smile on his lips.
„I am not looking for that idiot“, Mu Qing states with an eyeroll, not bothering to spare him a glance.
„Oh? I was talking about General Qi Ying who is gone a few days already, but you were thinking of someone else, huh?“
Finally Mu Qing shoots him a pointed look. He hadn’t even realized Quan Yizhen’s absence. Pei Ming, that annoying bastard, is playing with him. But he is probably his easiest way to gather information without having to ask Xie Lian and give himself away.
„Given I am looking for…Qi Ying… where is he?“
„Oh, him and General Nan Yang went to check something in the Southwest as you are…hindered at the moment.“
And Feng Xin didn’t even bother to tell him. Noone did. Great.
Pei Ming eyes him, surely seeing the way Mu Qing’s expression darkens, chewing on his bottom lip, looking grim.
„I am sure he means well. You need the help right now.“
Obviously Pei Ming knew from the beginning this wasn’t about Qi Ying. But the way he talks as if he understands anything, it makes Mu Qing angry. People should stop assuming everything is always about Feng Xin when it isn’t. Liar.
„But to get your mind off things, how about you come over to my tent-“ the grim expression turns deadly- „for some light exercises? Tai Hua and some deputies will also be there.“
„Is that the Rain Master over there?“ Mu Qing asks with feigned surprise.
Pei Ming immediately turns his head, but sees noone. When he turns back, Mu Qing has already retreated.
When two days later Feng Xin comes back, Mu Qing awaits him im his tent with a furious expression. The moment he sees Feng Xin‘s tired eyes, he wavers for a second, but quickly catches himself.
„Trying to take over the Southwest, I see. Were you successful? How many of my believers have you bewitched with your tremendous masculinity?“
He grits his teeth, subconsciously getting ready for a fight. He missed fighting, being able to let his emotions out. Especially on Feng Xin.
But Feng Xin doesn’t respond to it.
„Shut it. It wasn’t about that. Some ghosts lay traps around villages. Yizhen and I had to find and destroy them all. That’s it.“
„And why didn’t you tell me? It’s my region. My task.“ Mu Qing clenches his hands into fists. „Don’t act like you didn’t have any ulterior motives. You failed to get rid of me in Mt Tonglu so now you try to take my believers!“
„For fuck’s sake, I am not you!“
A sigh leaves Mu Qing’s trembling lips. Why does it hurt so much?
„So that’s how you view me still. Let’s fight it out then. Come at me.“
„I will not fight you, Mu Qing.“
„Why not?! It’s what we do, that’s how it always has been!“
Feng Xin shakes his head and turns around, wanting to leave- when Mu Qing’s hand shoots forward as if to grab him by the shoulder. But he doesn’t.
„Why?!“, he asks instead. It sounds almost desperate even to his own ears.
Feng Xin stops. For a few seconds he says nothing. Then:
„Because nothing is like it was anymore since you-“
„Don’t you dare speak about that.“ Low, dangerous.
„You don’t know what I was going to say.“
„Oh, I do.“ That stupid kiss. He should have never done this, he should have never felt like this for his rival at all, but on the other hand, it was the only time he will ever have felt those lips on his, and he can’t bring himself to regret that.
„Then promise me you will never do something like that again.“
It's like a bucket of ice cold water has been emptied over his head, soaking through his clothes, freezing.
It’s not like he didn’t know already after Feng Xin’s reaction. But being told this, feeling the humiliation, getting his hopes crushed again and again and again-
He needs to crush something else now.
He swings at him. Feng Xin manages to step away in time, but Mu Qing doesn’t hesitate a second to direct another blow, aiming for his face.
He hits. It’s not as strong as it used to be before his injuries, but it’s nontheless a solid punch, splitting his opponent‘s lip.
Finally, Mu Qing thinks, when rage contorts Feng Xin’s face.
Feng Xin charges and they exchange blow after blow. Mu Qing welcomes it, it’s like they are back to normal, he can continue to suppress his useless feelings as long as he has this. His knuckles hurt, his cheek where Feng Xin has hit him stings, but it’s good.
Enthralled, he doesn’t realize how close they came to the tent’s wall until he stumbles over something lying on the ground, backwards, right into it. In an attempt to stop his fall, he reaches forward, grabbing onto Feng Xin’s arm- who, with a surprised huff, stumbles right with him. „Fu-“
The inevitable happens. They crash, taking the whole left side of the tent with them.
Fabric and wooden poles rain onto them. Feng Xin cages Mu Qing under him, shielding his head from the falling objects.
Everyone in the area startles, staring at them with wide eyes, until someone comments „Ah, it’s just them again.“
As if nothing has happened, the minor gods go on with their tasks.
Mu Qing blinks up at Feng Xin who still lies on top of him, his expression dark.
„Why- why do you want me to hurt you so bad? Why do you keep ruining everything you fucking touch!?“
Mu Qing flinches. He tries to push Feng Xin away, but Feng Xin doesn’t give in.
„Answer.“
„Let go of me right this instant.“
„No.“
Mu Qing keeps pushing. His hands are on Feng Xin’s chest, painfully digging into his skin through the fabric of his robes. No reaction.
He raises his knee, ready to ram it into Feng Xin’s abdomen when he accidentally brushes his lower area with it faintly – instantly the weight ist gone, Feng Xin has jumped up and stepped away with an expression of…repulsion? Or is it confusion?
Mu Qing tries to keep a straight face. So this is how far it has come.
They just stare at each other without one finding words to say, when a surprised voice startles them.
„Oh my- Feng Xin, your tent!“ Xie Lian’s hand flies to his mouth, wide eyes scanning the situation.
„Wait, let me help.“
He steps closer.
The left side has completely fallen to the ground already, while the wall on the right is still standing.
Xie Lian reaches for one of the wooden poles, touching it – everything collapses.
Mu Qing can’t help but chuckle at the irony.
They did not repair the tent after all.
The Heavenly Capital’s rebuilding was finished that night.
The palace of Xuan Zhen looks the same as before it was destructed. As if nothing ever happened. But so much has happened. So much, and nothing is the same.
Mu Qing checks every room thorougly, but doesn’t find a fault. He makes a mental note to thank his deputies later. He hadn’t been able to oversee the rebuilding due to his missing spiritual powers, so they must have done it by their own memory. Who else would know his palace like the back of his his hand?
Though, when he goes to praise them, he is proven wrong.
„Oh- there were some things we weren’t completely sure about and wanted to ask you about it, General… But General Nan Yang saw us struggling and told us how to do it…This lowly one apologizes, General! We should have insisted on asking you directly.“
Mu Qing’s head hurts. He massages his forehead, saying: „It’s…fine. You still did a good job. Dismissed.“
Alone in his study, he sits down. A pile of prayers is already lying on his desk, waiting to be worked on.
Why must Feng Xin be so confusing… Mu Qing had shown him around the palace in it’s entirety only once and that was centuries ago. Still, he knew exactly how it looked like. Mu Qing is the same with Feng Xin’s palace, he must admit. Though he has some suggestions for improvement.
It’s no use pondering about it.
One glance at the scroll on top of the pile on his desk wipes his current thoughts away anyway, only to replace it with a burning headache.
Next urgent mission: Ghost making problems in the south, believers of Xuan Zhen and Nan Yang report sudden fatal illnesses. Please work on this together. Palace of Ling Wen.
„Meet me in one hour outside my palace. For the mission“, he shoots into Feng Xin’s communication array and shuts it down again right after.
He will truly never get a break.
Feng Xin is already outside when Mu Qing leaves his palace, staring at the ground, apparently in thought. A sight one doesn’t come across often.
The moment he hears Mu Qing approach, he looks up and only nods. They descend in silence.
The forest they chose to start their search is located exactly at the border between their territories. It’s a chilly day- grey sky, a faint humidity in the air.
„According to the reports, the newest death happened in this area. A young man travelling with his merchant acquaintances suddenly went pale, coughed up blood and died. The witnesses described it as sudden illness, with no perpretator to be seen…“
Mu Qing explains while looking around for clues.
„I have read the reports, too.“
Mu Qing purses his lips. „Oh, sorry for saying anything, I forgot your ears are allergic to useful input.“
„How about you stop assuming I am too dumb to read scrolls? I’m not your fucking deputy.“
„When I look at the way you write scrolls, I would not be surprised if you can’t read. Also, none of my deputies are fucking.“
„Oh, you think so?“
He pauses. „You know how I meant that.“
„No, could you write it down for me? Ah, nevermind, I forgot. I can’t read.“
Mu Qing sighs. „I suggest you search your side of the border and I check mine. Goodbye.“
He is already on his way, when Feng Xin speeds up and halts right in front of him.
„No. As I just said, I’ve read the reports and it's not without reason Ling Wen recommended for us to do this as a team. This ghost is not to be underestimated. We will not split up.“
At his determined gaze and decisive voice Mu Qing rolls his eyes. „Ugh, fine.“
It takes some time, but eventually they find the exact place where the merchant had been attacked.
Nothing besides some of the blood he had coughed out is left.
Some drops lead away from the scene.
The Generals exchange a look, and follow them.
After a while they find a small run down hut.
It doesn’t look like someone lives there, but they feel the change in atmosphere. Inside the hut, someone speaks in a low voice.
„It was still not enough, we need more… more infected blood…“
Mu Qing nods to Feng Xin and he responds in the same manner.
They ready their weapons, and a moment later the door opens.
A ghost woman emerges, her dark messy hair pulled into a low ponytail. Her grey robes are ripped and dirty with dried blood.
When she sees the Generals, she shuts the door behind her and crosses her arms.
„What do we have here? Did you come to give me your blood? How nice of you!“
Feng Xin’s arrow is aimed at her, not yet shooting.
„Is there any chance you will stop harming mortals and go live in Ghost City? If not, your blood will be spilled.“
At that, she laughs in a high-pitched voice. „I don’t have any blood left. And sorry to disappoint you, but the mortals didn’t help me when my child died of a terrible illness. They deserve to suffer the same fate. You’re not mortal, but maybe your blood is even tastier for my little one~.“
She reaches into her sleeve, and Feng Xin immediately shoots. She already expected this and jumps into the air swiftly, throwing needles in the motion.
Mu Qing blocks them, Feng Xin dodges.
The woman lands on the hut’s roof. She throws her needles again without success.
At another incoming arrow, she quickly jumps down again, bringing distance between her and the hut. She is extremely fast. Mu Qing tries to get closer to her, but he is busy blocking needles. If one of those hit him, it might be dangerous. The woman sounded quite certain they work on Heavenly Officials.
She takes out another needle.
Feng Xin readies his bow, Mu Qing’s saber is already up to block the incoming missile.
That’s when he suddenly spots something in the reflection of his blade.
„Feng Xin!“ Feng Xin’s head flies around, freezing for just a heartbeat.
The second ghost is the ghost of a child.
Mu Qing immeditaley understands. He doesn’t hesitate. He summons a teleportation array right next to Feng Xin. With a strong push he sends him away for good. He can’t block fast enough anymore. Two small needles pierce him from both attackers.
He disperses the portal.
It doesn’t take a second for Feng Xin to scream into Mu Qing’s communication array.
„What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?!“
Mu Qing breathes heavily, his already pale skin turning a ghastly grey. He wields his saber, charging at the mother ghost.
„Feng Xin, I saw your look. You’re the father of a ghost child yourself. You didn’t want to kill it. You are a hindrance here.“
Silence, then, a angry scream.
„Why can’t I fucking teleport back? What the hell did you do?“
„Oh, that’s a little trick I learned just for you. You can’t teleport near this place for the next hour, stop trying.“ He coughs.
„Mu Qing? Are you okay? This shit hit you, are you- will you- you won’t- right?!“
The growing desperation makes Mu Qing smile while he exchanges vicious blows with the ghost woman.
Now that he has already been infected, he doesn’t need to watch out as much anymore.
Every now and then he feels another faint sting in his back.
„Say something! Fuck!“
For a second he thinks about shutting down the communication array. But he doesn’t want to. Adrenaline shoots through his veins, keeping him going. He coughs again.
„Why won't you just leave me be?! You’re already dead anyway!“ The ghost woman complains. „Throwing your life away for someone else, hah, what a hero you are!“ She snickers, but Mu Qing doesn’t let her get to him. Somehow, she gave him an idea though. He dashes into the other direction, her face falls. „No! Wait!“
His saber is on the child ghost’s neck. He does not hesitate.
The moment the child dissipates into thin air, the mother ghost screams.
„What hero kills a child?! What has my son done to you? It was me, I killed all those mortals, because they let my baby die, noone helped me when he got sick! It was ME!“ She whales, now completely powerless.
„Who said I want to be a fucking hero?!“
And with that, Zhanmadao pierces whatever is left of her heart. Finding their ashes is easy as they are hidden in the hut.
After he resolved the issue, Mu Qing breaks down.
Now, he concentrates on Feng Xin’s voice in his head again, still pleading for him to say something, anything.
The adrenaline dies down. He shivers. Coughs. It’s red.
„I’m still here.“
„Oh gods- Mu Qing- were you able to defeat them? Nevermind, of course you were. Can you stop that trick of yours now, please?“
„No I c-can’t.“
„Mu Qing? Tell me you’re fine. Come here. I wait here. Just make another portal and come to where you sent me.“
Mu Qing stares up at the grey sky. „I don’t think I can do that. Sorry.“
„What do you mean? You- you…“
Mu Qing tries to laugh, but it ends up sounding like someone drowning.
He coughs again, his robes stained red.
He doesn’t know what hurts more. The burning pain, eating him up from the inside, corroding his organs one by one until only bloody mush remains.
Or Feng Xin’s desperate voice.
„Mu Qing, fucking hells! If you don’t disperse your fucking spell, I- where the fuck am I- Just you wait, I will find that place again and if I have to run-“
„S-spare yourself…the trouble… It’s fine. You don’t have to…d-deal with me…anymore…“
He won’t have to feel disgusted anymore. He won’t have to wish for him to finally die anymore.
And Mu Qing…He will finally be free from all these useless feelings.
„Don’t you dare say something like that! Mu Qing!....Mu Qing!? Come back, please. Just come back, alright? I am waiting here. Shit, why won’t this-
Huh? Why does it work now? It hasn’t been an hour?
…
…. Mu Qing? Mu Qing, where are you-....No. No. No, no, you- No. I TOLD you not to do something like that ever again! Fuck. NO. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES. DON’T YOU DARE- aaah….please… I beg you…Open your eyes, please, I am waiting here. Come on. I am waiting here…“
…
Feng Xin stands true to his word.
He waits. And waits.
…
„…Mu Qing.“
„Feng Xin.“
„You’re probably bored of hearing me talk to you everyday. My voice already hurts your ears, doesn’t it?“
„…“
„Well… I was at Puqi Shrine today. His Highness and Crimson Rain Sought Fucker were all lovey-dovey again, you’d have rolled your eyes so often. I mean, I am glad they have each other again and His Highness tried to include me, but…You should have been there, it would have been much more bearable, haha…“
„Oh, certainly.“
„I just…I wish you would accompany me again. It’s weird to go anywhere alone when you were by my side all those centuries. Sometimes I think you’re there when you’re not and I talk to you, but then I realize…“
„Pathetic.“
„I just miss you so fucking much.“
„…“
„Mu Qing…why…why won’t you come back to me, why…“
When Feng Xin breaks down to his knees, a sobbing mess, Mu Qing bites his lip hard, swallowing down the lump in his throat. He kneels down opposite him.
„Please Mu Qing, I can’t do this without you, and I hate myself for not realizing earlier how much I…how much I..“ His voice cracks again, hot tears stream down his face, soaking his collar. Mu Qing’s former collar.
Mu Qing remains silent. He rests his hand on Feng Xin’s cheek, brushing lightly.
Feng Xin calms down after a while and takes something out of his pocket.
It’s a sewn cherry blossom. He puts it on top of a pile. Two hundred and sixty-four sewn cherry blossoms.
The first ones Feng Xin had offered had been a disgrace to the eye, but after all that time they became better and better. The shape of a flower is clearly recognizable now.
Feng Xin stands up. Mu Qing’s hand lingers on nothing.
„I will be back tomorrow. I will bring you a prettier flower, I promise. Sewing is really not easy, how are you so good at it? I stabbed myself only four times today so at least it’s a progress, I guess.“
„Still-“
„Still an insult to the real flower, I know. Mu Qing…I really miss you.“
He turns around to leave, but looks back one last time.
Mu Qing startles for a moment. Feng Xin stares right at him. No. Through him.
The memorial plaque behind him says:
Mu Qing
-yearned for-
Mu Qing looks down at the pile of cherry blossoms on his coffin.
Two hundred and sixty-four hand-sewn flowers.
Two hundred and sixty-four days since he died.
„Please wait for me a bit longer, Feng Xin.“
…
Mu Qing can’t leave his grave.
At first, he wasn’t really there.
He was less than a ghost flame, barely hanging on to a last straw of being.
When Feng Xin brought the first sewn flowers they were so ugly, it fueled rage in Mu Qing’s core. Somehow, his form grew stronger ever since, now looking like himself again. Still, noone can see him, noone can hear him. He tried to leave, but he feels his energy weakening the further he goes away from his coffin. He knows he will fade into nothingness if he goes too far.
So, everyday he waits for Feng Xin, waits for one more flower.
The pile keeps growing.
Over a year passed, when Mu Qing notices changes.
Feng Xin’s flowers look almost perfect now, as if they were blooming from his hands. But the man himself is wilting. His hair has always been messy, but he doesn’t seem to care how bad his bun holds his strands up anymore. His movements are sluggish, his shoulders sunken. He doesn’t look like the proud god he was anymore. But the worst part- his eyes. The light that had always reminded Mu Qing of the sun is gone.
Mu Qing’s unbeating heart clenches.
„Mu Qing. It’s me again…Look, the flower I made for you is perfect this time if I dare say so.“
He presents his hand-sewn cherry blossom. Mu Qing stares at it. Feng Xin is surprisingly right. It looks exactly like the ones he had in his palace garden and the ones he gifted to his mother back in Xianle. He reaches out for it, but it’s no use, he can’t take it.
Feng Xin bends down, ready to place it on top of the pile, when he decides differently. He steps closer to Mu Qing. Mu Qing holds his breath when Feng Xin reaches forward, as if he wants to place the flower in his hair. But of course his hand goes through him, putting it on the memorial plate.
He stares at it silently for a while until he speaks again.
„Mu Qing. Now that I have kept my promise, I won’t make any flowers for you anymore.“
Mu Qing sucks in a sharp breath. Has it finally happened? Feng Xin accepts his death and moves on? Maybe he even realized he is better off without him, like he had wished a long time ago.
„If you think it’s because I won’t visit you here anymore, you’re right.“
Gods, why do words still hurt so much even in death?
But wait. Something sounds wrong.
„I don’t need to visit you here when I can just as well come to you. You have already proven you will not come back to me, so I guess it’s on me.“
No. He can’t mean…
„No. Feng Xin, don’t you dare!“
He can’t hear him, why can't he hear him?!
„Eternity is quite boring without you. I don’t need it if I can’t share it with you. Hah, I can’t believe you had to die for me to realize it. You wanted me and I pushed you away, because I was fucking scared. You were always right, I’m a fucking joke. I never said it, right? Mu Qing, I’m sorry. I’m sorry and… I love you. I hope you still want me when we meet again. And please don’t hit me too hard.“ He chuckles sadly and turns to leave.
Mu Qing stares at his back with wide eyes and an open mouth.
„No…No, don’t! You can’t just say that and… Drop this right now!“ He tries to grab him by the shoulders with trembling hands, but he can’t…he can’t…
„FENG XIN! I am right here! If you die, we won’t meet, I can’t leave, I can’t follow you! STOP IT!“
When he is out of the door, Mu Qing breaks down. He sobs, he cries, he screams after him. But what can he do? He can’t leave or he will… His tears stop. He stands up again on shaky legs. He takes the last step put of the shrine.
Immediately a wave of energy leaves his body.
With a determined gaze, he keeps walking forward, going faster until he reaches Feng Xin.
He feels his body flicker. He won’t be able to go much further.
But who cares? If Feng Xin dies, he might aswell fade into nothingness. He knows deep inside that he will not go to the place Feng Xin will be going, but staying here with all his memories, knowing what he lost… It would be worse.
„Feng Xin.“
He takes Feng Xin’s hand into his ghost hand.
„…“
They stop under a willow tree.
Feng Xin sits down and leans against the trunk. On the ground a weapon already lies ready. It’s Zhanmadao.
„Really now?! You use MY weapon for your shitty plan? Who will clean it afterwards?“
Mu Qing tries to laugh about it, but the laugh gets stuck in his throat. He kneels down.
Feng Xin picks up Zhanmadao. He struggles with it, deciding to just take it with two hands, one on the hilt and one on the blade, where his skin immediately starts to bleed.
„I always wondered how you were able to fight with that long ass sabre… You looked hot doing it, sometimes I just stared at you. But I still didn’t realize I stared because I wanted you, I am so stupid.“
„I always knew you are.“
Mu Qing leans forward, leaning his forehead against Feng Xin’s. He sees his own hands, nearly invisible. Not much time is left.
„You are such an idiot. But I don’t regret saving you, I don’t regret…l-loving you. Feng Xin, I love you. Don’t be too sad when you can‘t find me...“
He knows it’s stupid, but he still leans in, pressing his almost faded lips against Feng Xin’s.
When strong hands suddenly grab him by the shoulders, he realizes something is not right.
The lips he kisses respond to him.
His eyes widen and he tries to pull back in shock, but Feng Xin holds him in place.
His eyes show the same surprise.
„Mu Qing? Why are you- What are you- You’re here?!“
„Always was.“
Feng Xin‘s hand still bleeds, soaking Mu Qing’s robe, but they don’t care.
„But you were dead, your body lies in a coffin, I laid you down inside it myself!“
„Are you dumb? I am still dead, but…I guess I have something in common with Crimson Rain now.“ Mu Qing takes Feng Xin’s hand and puts it where his heart would be. Nothing. But if it were still beating, it would run a marathon. He can’t believe he is here again, not fading, and Feng Xin is alive in front of him. How did he manage that? He doesn’t know and it’s not important right now.
He looks into Feng Xin’s eyes and sees his own reflection again after so long.
In the corner of those warm eyes tears are forming.
Mu Qing bashfully rolls his eyes at the sight.
But that makes it worse.
Feng Xin loses it, wraps his arms around Mu Qing and pulls him close.
„I missed you so fucking much.“
„I m-missed you, too. I liked your…flowers.“
„Mu Qing, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Fuck.“
„You can make it up to me from now on.“
„Gods, I will.“
Once again their lips meet.
And Feng Xin keeps his promise.