Chapter Text
I haven’t heard from Daiki in six months and nine days. It’s Christmas Day, but I have nobody to spend it with; well, that’s not exactly true. My dads called me this morning, but they live way over in America. Meeting up this year just wasn’t possible.
In a few days, it will have been longer since I last spoke to him than how long I knew him for, but it feels like he only emailed yesterday. I deleted my email account to save myself from checking it every five seconds.
I didn’t even know what the guy looked like, so why can’t I get past this? Since we stopped talking, people at school stopped talking to me as well. I guess I’m glad that I’m not getting bullied instead, but as much as I hate attention, I also don’t like being outright ignored.
Though I deleted all the emails, I remember every single word. The last thing he wrote to me - that I could call him Aki. And that he wished I knew what it meant. And I wish I knew, too, because now I probably never will and it’s eating me up inside.
But I don’t want to remember this day as a Sad Christmas, so I pull myself to my feet and walk to the living room. I didn’t bother with a tree. Those kinds of things don’t matter to me. And the things that do matter are nowhere to be found.
What I do have is a pathetic excuse for a tree. I never intended to buy one, but I was walking past the store I sometimes visit on the way home yesterday, and I couldn’t bring myself to walk away from the lonely pieces of green plastic. They don’t get to be anything more than that.
Since I became invisible at school, I guess it’s easier to do things. To keep to myself, like I always wanted. And that makes the perfect opportunity to actually enjoy a school gathering.
I heard that the students from Higasa meet up sometimes on Christmas, at the park near the school. I’ve never gone before - not like I had any reason to. Or any desire to. Whatsoever.
But this year I feel kind of lonely. A rare word for me. But it is the effect of being outcasted by everyone who knew of your existence, and blocked by your favourite person on the planet.
I grab my shoes and jacket and prepare for my fingers to freeze up from the cold. This Christmas is more snowy than most, which is good? But snow means cold, which is less good, especially since I refuse to wear those puffy coats that unfortunately do work.
I lock up my apartment and start walking down to the street. Being alone is when I tend to really think about things. But thinking hasn’t been much fun for me lately, so the walk to school is kind of a blur.
I take a few lefts, a few rights, and zone out as much as I can on the train. I can’t stop the thoughts completely, though. My mind is flooded with months of countless emails and baring my soul to someone I thought wouldn’t leave.
I arrive at the park and it’s loud and colourful and all the things I thought I wouldn’t see this year. But I’m seeing them, and yet I still feel out of place. There are people everywhere, but for once, they are not looking at me with disapproval.
They are not looking at me at all.