Archive of Our Own ^beta

The flowers from his desk were withering away— his mother often told him or urged him to toss it out. It was more dried than a soured plum. The petals no longer stayed intact and had fallen off months ago. But Suguru still kept every bit of it— stem, leaves, petals, including the pistils. Not a single piece was thrown out. And despite being wilted, Suguru still kept them in it’s glass vase. Removing it seemed like an outrageous idea— an idea that will never happen. 

These were special, more than materialistic goods like diamonds or rubies or gold. This single floral arrangement was worth everything to him, nothing could compare. Even if the appearance was nothing more than different shades of nasty brownish yellow, nothing could beat this treasure. 

It’s Suguru’s only treasure, his only gift that he values more than his whole life. 

And so, the glass vase still held the withered flower by the window seal at his desk— some days, Suguru blankly stared at the vase glowing from the sun’s rays. 

Oftentimes when he wakes up in the evening, Suguru would stay in bed for another hour or forever. Staring blankly at the ceiling above or the windows. With little to nothing to do, Suguru fell back to sleep. Ignoring the raging alarm till it came to an end on it’s on. 

It was strange, really has it nearly been — one whole year? Has it, really almost been one whole year? People always said once you’re an adult time flies by, but it feels weird and unreal.

In the covers of his duvet, Suguru buried his head. Pressing the pillow over his ears, drowning out the alarm’a annoying calls. He should get rid of it— but it’s too draining to do so, he’s too tired. Everyday been too tiring. 

Body was like an stoned statue— frozen in place, but his heart was still beating, he wished it would stop. Suguru knows he doesn’t deserve to live, he should have died— that snowy, winter day Suguru Geto should had died, not him. Not Satoru…

In his sunlit bedroom— time stopped working for him, his only reminder of the outside world was his mother, his alarm and his window. Locking himself inside his room, day in— day out. He was almost like a zombie, but one without the urge to eat humans. Feeling empty, hollow— no purpose to live, but still alive.. still breathing. 

Tossing and turning in his bed, too wake to sleep but too tired to live. Thin hands outreached his alarm— finally getting up, head low, feet’s touching his bedroom floor. 

Next to him was his desk, it had gallery of pictures upon pictures of himself and him pinned on the board— which was hanged out in the wall in front of his desk. He stood up, hands on the edge of the desk, using it was an support system as he leaned over and unhook the board off of the walls. Turn it around, the back facing him and setting it down on the floor. 

Pausing— Suguru pulled his drawers open, accessing to his writing stencils, picking up the felt-tip black marker that he never used. Sitting down on the floor, Suguru’s hands folded in on itself—nails stabbing into his palms. Picking up the board that he just dropped on the floor, his breath hitched as he looked at the photos. 

Uncapping the felt-tip market— holding it like it was a knife ready to stab into someone, scratching out his face from all of the photos— more, more, more!! Suguru frantically erased himself from being one of the subject in the pictures, he doesn’t want to look at himself, he doesn’t want a reminded that he exists, he doesn’t deserve to exist. Fingernails breaking the surface layer of his skin, heavy laboring breathing— I shouldn’t have been the one you saved that day… why did you save me? Satoru? 

Tear drops crawling off of his cheeks, rolling down to his chin— falling tears landing over the photographs. One of the many photographs was one with Satoru kissing Suguru on the exact moment he pressed the camera, he looked so surprised by his lips. The picture following that, Suguru flushed down to his neck and grabbed Satoru’s collar shirt to pull him down for revenge— kissing him back on the cheeks. 

That photos was in the center of the gallery, his nose tinged with tears and wet skin— he regretted being alive, his world died for him. Suguru forever hated himself for that… it was his fault.

Scratching out his face from his photos, the tears flowed like a continuous river way. Breath hitching as he tried to silence his voice escaping from him— he didn’t want to alert his mother from his weeping. Making his voice muted, his throat tightened as he suppress his voice— he was pathetic to be so weak. 

The state of his body was malnourished from starving himself, his eyes were swollen from last night’s tears, his hair once soft and smooth like silk was greasy and frizzy. Lips dried and chopped. The state of his mentality was worse than he looked— afterall not going out anywhere was a key indicator. His ability to get up in the morning was a challenge, it was rare at this point if he woke up when the sun did. 

Because he can’t forgive himself, it was his fault… afterall if Suguru didn’t invite Satoru out then it wouldn’t had happened. 

Unfocused eye, he couldn’t paid attention to his professor’s words or lecture— they were going too fast for him to keep up. The words were going over his head, he need to type faster but his hands won’t keep up with the words that were escaping his professor’s mouth. 

The noises in his head was buzzing to much to be able to paid attention, elbows on the table and hands pressing on his forehead. Clearly, he was having a hard time trying to keep up with his classmates an his professor. 

“Pstt- hey, you missed the answer for this question— it’ was meliorism,” the guy next to him pointed out, Suguru’s mouth was agape. His peer was right, he missed a clearly easy point. 

And there was something about him that stood out to Suguru, he didn’t have pen, paper, or even the textbook for this lecture. He had nothing want so ever. “Are you having an hard time? You looked like you were struggling,” he pointed it out again, this guy was strangely very good at noticing things about Suguru. 

Suguru blinked, “….no, I’m fine— I’ll be fine. Thanks,” dismissing him. Turning his head back to his laptop, fingers hovering over the keys but not touching it. But he glancing back over to his desk-mate, he asked with a whisper, “why don’t you have any classroom materials? Not even a pen?” 

The other’s chin on resting on his hand— it looked to be bruised, having red scabs and old scars that had healed an gone time ago, “oh, ummmm… I actually don’t attend this class, like I actually don’t attend to this university at all,” a silly little chuckle followed soon after he said that. 

And leaning forward, over to Suguru’s personal space, “and ya missed another— probably my fault for distracting you, sorry. The term for this one is- ‘Metanoia- the transformation of one’s heart,” moving back from Suguru’s space. He chuckles again, soft and luring, “this course has a lot of big and dumb terms, doesn’t it?” He turned and asked Suguru, waiting for him to answer. 

His mouth agape again, “oh.. ya— if you say it that way, ya. There’s a lot of usually long words.” 

Toothy grin and an gummy smile, “finally someone agrees with me, like just think these words could be shorten.” 

“They’re pretty words though, if you think about it.. ‘Metanoia.” His eyes began to refocus on the lecture again, his head no longer foggy and noising— it was noiseless now. “It’s a felicitous word for the right moments.” 

“Look at ya!— using big words that I don’t know the meaning of, you’re kinda pretentious,” the other meant it as a joke and a compliment. He nudged Suguru in the shoulders, moving the black-haired a bit from his spot. 

Index finger to his lips, “shh.. I wanna pay attention to the lecture,” Suguru’s demeanor was gentle and polite. But in spite of his words, he didn’t want to stop his conversation with his desk mate. He wanted to get to know him more. 

He’s a charming fellow.

The other guy slammed his fist into his hand like it was a eureka moment, “right, right!— sorry, didn’t meant to disturb you anymore than I should had.” 

Suguru scooted in closer to his peer, sharing his personal space with him, “since you don’t have your own supplies, you can share with me.” A paused of glancing over, adding, “and I don’t mind, you have a relatively entrancing character.” 

A boorish crackle flee out of the other’s mouth; over exaggerated eye roll and a gummy smile, sarcastic yet humorous expression that morphed into the nameless peer of Suguru’s classroom, “so pretentious.” 

Elbowing the boy in the stomach, “shut it.” A gleaming smile was painted into Suguru’s face. 

What felt like an eternity of waiting to a boring lecture to end, later; Suguru packed his bags. Turning over to the person who have kept him company for so long in the lecture hall, “this session had truly beaten the life out of my soul,” Suguru stretched his arms outward to the world, twisting his back to crack open the stiff muscles and bones of his spine. “Do you want to get a drink with me?” 

“Not even gonna ask me for my name before attempting to flirt with me?— haha, but yes, I would like to get a beverage with you.” 

“Now look at you!— using the word, ‘beverage,’ instead of drinks! Hadn’t heard someone said that word in a while, except from British people.” Tearing up, Suguru wiped his eyes from the other’s comedic comments. “So, can I get your name, would love to know it. Mine’s Suguru Geto. It’s nice to meet you.” 

Extending his hand outward for Suguru to grab, “and I’m Satoru Gojo, just call me Satoru.” Suguru grabbed the other’s hands, feeling how coursed they were; the callus on the palms of his hands and the fresh, red scab wounds on his knuckles, along with the dried skin of his scars. “Admiring them?” 

“Huh?” 

“The scars on my hands,” Satoru subtracted his hands from Suguru’s. “You were looking at them for a moment.” 

“It just caught my eye, that’s all.” 

Bumping up his arms; showcasing his muscles, “looks pretty cool, right?” He smiled but it felt disingenuous— so fake. “Anywho’s!- let’s go get something to drink! Throat hurts so much, hella dried!” Empathizes his words with his hands to his throat. 

Satoru didn’t stop to wait for Suguru exit the doors of the lecture hall, but he didn’t leave Suguru behind when him the doors— instead he waited for him by the foyer. Suguru slowly smacked Satoru in the head for leaving him behind, “you couldn’t have waited for me, idiot.” 

Touching where Suguru touch, Satoru winced like a puppy; and with his doggy like eyes, “hmm—heyyy!” Acting like he was hurt. Suguru scoffed, “you’re being so mean, Suguru!” 

“Suguru?” The black hair looked at Satoru when he called his name. For a second, Satoru momentarily stopped walking. Almost like he was distracted by something else around them. 

Suguru noticed that Satoru wasn’t walking side by side, “oops, did you not want me to use your given name?” Satoru scratched the nape of his neck with a cheeky smile. 

Tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, strawberry color cheek, “nope, I don’t mind. Just surprised.” Blue eyes watching his movements, “what were you looking at? You stopped walking for a bit.” 

“Nothing; just thought— wow, this guy is so pretty.” 

Suguru chocked on his own saliva, “!!? You’re,.. quite a straight forward guy. Never met someone like you,” he giggled as he spoke to Satoru. Being in front of him now, he saw how much rugged the other was, not that he didn’t notice earlier. Satoru had tatter shirts and pants, it was probably just for fashion. But it looked good on him, made him look like a model for a street-fashion brand; might be because he was tall. 

Black hair bounced as he walked towards, “stop being sarcastic and let’s get a drink,” nudging Satoru in the chest. 

Satoru restated his opinion— this time being more insistent, “I’m not being sarcastic here; I really think you’re pretty.”

Now being back to walking side by side, Suguru looked at Satoru’s blue eyes and well-structured face, “you’re not too bad looking yourself.” Their footsteps echoed through halls, there wasn’t a lot of people around anymore. Most students had went to the lounge room or to another class— but the point here was that there wasn’t many people around anymore. 

Starting up the conversation again, Suguru spoke, “are you a model or something? You’re fairly tall, doubt that no one hadn’t tried to scouted you yet.” 

“Imma.. imma athlete.. not a model. Sorry to disappoint,” he laughed. Sharp canine teeth getting exposed as Satoru widen his smile while he laughed out the awkward disappointment. Hair blocking Satoru’s eyes from Suguru’s point of view. 

All Suguru saw was a refined, structured jaw and a straight nose with a goofy smile widening underneath it. “What sport do you play for?” 

“Boxing.” A one word-short answer. But was followed up with Satoru’s own question for Suguru as they walked to a vending machine down at the student lobby. “Then, how about you?— why do you keep your hair so long?”

“For everyone— they all have different reason why they might keep their hair long but for me. It’s because I just liked the way it looked on me, no deep-meaning full explanation as to why.” 

“Glad that you kept it. Looks great on ya!”  

“Pfft— thanks,” Suguru replied to Satoru’s compliment. 

At the student lounge, the two finally came across the vending machine— Suguru was buying for the both of them; ordering one mango & apple juice and one green tea unsweetened. The sweeter one for Satoru, while the other was for Suguru. 

Sitting in the complimentary beanbag and sofas that were available for use, Suguru sipped his tea while Satoru drank the whole bottle down. “Wow— you must have been really thirsty.”

“Course’ I was! I told you, my throat was dried than a desert.” Emptying out the plastic container that was filled with juice. Satoru tossed the bottle to the recycling bin from his seat— throwing it like it was a basketball to a basketball hoop, like it was the goal to reach. 

After drinking his fill, Satoru leaned back into the beanbag. Arms supporting his head as he used it to lean on while watching Suguru taking sips of his beverage. 

Suguru tilted his head, “why are you staring at me?” 

“Nothing; just admiring your eyes.” Satoru smiled without blinking; watching the way how Suguru’s eyes looked. Foxy, mono lids but had long, luscious eyelashes that were the same hair as his hair. But the color stood out to him the out; purple. 

“Are you flirting with me, Satoru?” 

Leaning forward to Suguru’s direction, “what if I said, ‘yes.’ I was?” 

Black strands of hair falling down Suguru’s shoulders as he leaned into Satoru’s space, “then, I wouldn’t mind it,” showing off a charming smile. Unblinking like Satoru’s eyes as he looked at those sky-blue eyes, Suguru could say it was like a sunny gleam over the ocean waves— an sunglint. 

An incoherent noise flowed out of Satoru’s mouth; it wasn’t a sound of pain or anything— rather a sound of being overjoyed. Cute; Suguru couldn’t stop thinking how cute Satoru was, he almost acted like a puppy howling at it’s owner. “Y-you’re too smooth!!” Satoru cover his face with his hands, but even with the hands in Suguru’s way— he could tell that the other was blushing nefariously. 

Shuffling around, Suguru grabbed his phone, “give me your number? Let’s go on a date next time.”

Satoru blinking like a frog with an open mouth, “re-really?! Like for real?— you’re not pretending?” 

“Pfft!!- oh course I’m not! Why else would I be asking for your number?” 

“Don’t know?- who knows, maybe you’re trying to get me to sign me up for a cult.” 

“Do I look like someone who will force you to join a occult?” 

Satoru pushed his index and thumb close together but not quite touching, “a little.” 

“You never had a girlfriend before, hadn’t you?” 

“You could tell?” 

Copying Satoru, Suguru pushed his index and thumb together but not touching, “a little.” 

Satoru bursting out laughing like an hyena, tears of dopamine rushing down, “you’re really funny.” Taking Suguru’s phone— Satoru dialed in his phone. “And I really like you, Suguru. Will you be my boyfriend?”

Crossing his leg, Suguru rested his chin in the backside of his hand, “am I your first?” 

“First boyfriend, first lover, first friend!! You’re my first in everything!” Satoru said with enthusiasm. 

Hiding behind his phone, Suguru leaned back into his chair and looked away with a soft cherry-colored cheeks. “Y-you’re such an idiot.” 

“Sooo!~ we’re both boyfriends now! Wanna kiss!?” Satoru jumped out of his beanbag and next to Suguru on the sofa. Clenching his hands together like he was hoping for Suguru to grant his wish. 

An annoyed but lovely eye roll; Suguru pushed Satoru’s face away from him with his hand, “too fast, we just met today— I wanna take things slow.” 

“Slow, slow.. okay! Taking things slow!” Satoru nodded with his eyes closed. 

“So.. let’s meet up again at the cafe on the first floor of the main hall— tomorrow at 9,” Suguru couldn’t hide his smile as he gather his things to leave. Taking a few step away from the student lounge, Suguru gushed with excitement and red cheeks, “see you tomorrow, Satoru.” 

Springing up from the sofa, Satoru grabbed Suguru’s hands— pressing his lips against the backside of Suguru’s hands. “If we can’t kiss, is this okay?” He asked Suguru with hopeful eyes. 

“Y-ya, it’s okay.” At Suguru’s comment, Satoru let go of Suguru’s hands. Skipping away like a child, “see you tomorrow at 8!” 

“It was 9!” Suguru called out to Satoru, wondering if he heard because his figure was getting smaller and smaller was he skipped away. And under his breath, Suguru mumbled with a loving sigh, “what an idiot.”

His words contrasting with his expression, he was watching the direction where Satoru had left with an affectionate smile. 

“When are you gonna stop playing with my hair, Satoru?” Suguru asked as he was laying his head on Satoru’s knee. It was a languid afternoon— it had been two weeks since they first met, yet it seemed like they knew each other their whole lives. 

“Never,” Satoru leaned forward; bringing a lock of Suguru’s hair to his lips— kissing it. 

They were at Suguru’s apartment— it was a shared apartment. He still lived with his mother to save on rent, his father was no longer in the picture. He had died a few years ago, and his mother was still not over his death; but she was still functioning. And Suguru wanted to stay and help as much as possible to soothe her pain. 

If Suguru was being honest too— he also wasn’t completely over his death either, it was too sudden. An unexpected death— his father was healthy; a little old, ya but no where near the age of retirement. Doctors said it was an heart attack. But Suguru wants to believe otherwise, saying it was impossible for an healthy man to die from an heart attack. 

His mother, Kenjaku told Suguru to accept the truth— but she had this bitter, sadness over her face. She told him, “even healthy people get heart attacks, Suguru.” Her words had this dejected tone to it, and her eye were almost empty. Suguru couldn’t help but be frustrated, his father was the strongest person he knew; but for his to not survive an heart attack. 

It was painful, feeling his presence leave his home— his life; feeling the empty essence that was once there. Ever after years, Suguru and his mother still kept his chair the way it was at the dinner table even if they no longer need it. His favorite tea set was still on the living room table; collecting dust. 

It hurts. Even worse; Suguru still remembers how his mother pretended it never happened; she still acted like normal. She carried on like normal— but Suguru knew, late at night when she thought Suguru was asleep. She would turn on the sink to drown out her cry’s. 

Suguru wishes that his mother would allow herself to grieve in public, allow herself to heal instead of hiding her pain. 

There was no way he could leave his mother in that state alone, staying at home was the best solution for himself and for his mother. 

“Suguru?” Satoru spoke, his voice soft yet husky. His face too close to Suguru’s, “are you tired?” 

“No—I can still stay awake, you? Are you sleepy?”

“Nah, I’m can’t sleep yet. I have to go to work soon.” Suguru shifted to sit up straight when Satoru mentioned he had to leave soon. 

“So soon?” Suguru asked as he relaxed his head in Satoru’s shoulders instead. Hearing Satoru’s hums echoing through his ears, “can’t you stay just a little longer?” 

“ I have to work Suguru..” Satoru sounded saddened that he had to go to work. The honest truth was that Satoru didn’t want to work, it was tiring each time. It was a physically demanding job, Satoru was poor so he didn’t have a choice but to enter it. Plus it made good money when he won.

Shifting in the bed, Satoru gotten off the bed; leaving Suguru alone. Feeling the warm yet rough skin touch again soft skin, Satoru’s palm glazed over Suguru’s cheeks like it was an delicate flower. Even if it wasn’t an pleasant touch Suguru leaned into Satoru’s hand, “can you kiss me on your way out, please baby?” 

Seeing the soft squish that he created on the black haired’s cheek, he peck the indent that his finger invented. Then the rim of his ears; following the eyelids and finally to the lips. “I’m leaving now, see you tomorrow— darling.” Satoru smiled; it made Suguru’s heart ache. 

Exiting the bedroom’s door— to the foyer of his apartment, “can’t you just quit? Whenever I see you… you’re always injured.” Suguru glanced at Satoru’s overly bruise knuckles. Everyday, ever week there’s a new injury. Old wounds reopen, new wounds being created. 

Ignoring his boyfriend’s concerns, Satoru stayed silent for a while. Before he allowed an long and heavy sigh escape his mouth, “… I’m sorry, I.. I can’t. But I promise!- I pinky-pinky promise I won’t get hurt again! I promise!” Satoru extended his picky finger to Suguru to make up for his wounds. 

Glancing over and over again to Suguru’s unsure face and his finger, he finally took his picky, “it’s a promise!- okay? You idiot?” 

Big and white teeth were exposed, his big and dumb smile charmed Suguru again, “I love you Suguru! I love you-I love you!!! So so much!!!” Satoru wrapped his arms around the other’s waist while rubbing his head all over Suguru’s shoulders.

“Ugh!- you’re like a big dumb dog!! Big oaf,” Suguru was being sarcastic. But while patting Satoru’s head, he asked again, “you’ll stay safe? Right?!” He pulled Satoru’s ears before allowing him to leave. 

“Promise!” 

An grin bloomed onto Suguru’s face, he kissed Satoru on the lips, “you promised okay?! So don’t get hurt.” Hands holding both side of Satoru’s face.

Unlocking the door’s security and with one more final goodbye, the lovers were both alone. Suguru stared at the door for an extended second while Satoru pressed his back on the door. His breath hitched in his chest. 

“Time to go,” he whispered to himself. He looked down at his attire; he was never embarrassed of who he was or for his upbringing but now he had someone that loved him. He was— Satoru wanted to show off the best of himself to Suguru. 

Having a routing closet that consisted of a few tops and three pants and two short, it was easy to tell he wasn’t living the high life. Nearly all of his clothing was on the brink of deteriorating— tattered or ripped, all nearly the end of it’s lifespan. The wear was starting to show from the damage over time. 

Observing his surroundings Satoru watched the skies washout it’s color in favor for the sunset- orangey hues spreading from the horizons, stretching all around him. As he trekked along the sidewalks the street lamps had lit up automatically all at the same time. Stopping under the shine from the streetlights Satoru started directing up at the artificial lights, blinding him with a dizzy flash. 

Having a bitter smile on his face. Tasting the metallic taste of his blood as he bit the inner flesh of his mouth. Because if he thought back to his upbringing; he was truly dealt a bad hand from the start. 

But ignoring that part about himself, he has to look forward to the future. Satoru knows he can make it out of this mess. He had to look at the bright side, he had a bright future! Karma will always come through from him, after all of these years of bad luck. Luck came to him as the form of Suguru Geto. 

Forming a bigger and brighter smile Satoru gleefully looked up at the sunset— snapping an image of it with him in it. Sending the selfie to Suguru and captioning it, ‘would have been better if you saw this with me!’ 

His phone buzzed as Suguru texted him back, ‘anything is better with you. Silly.’ 

Having a stupid jolly smile Satoru skipped all the way to his workplace. 

Entering an high-end bar for the rich and famous. Satoru greet the bouncers by the front desk and heading down to his usual station. The first step into the elevator of the day— pressing the down button; the elevator’s doors closed and started to play it’s normal waiting music till it reached the bottom floor. 

Underneath the bar was a boxing ring for the wealthy men to gamble on. The walls brimming with screen with rapidly changing numbers with the color code of red, green and white. The smell of heavy tobacco, sweat, and alcohol. Sounds of screaming, chattering, and heavy labor from the punches. 

The atmosphere was complete with the main attention; all light directed toward the center of the room- the boxing ring. Overly intense and bright fluorescent shimmering over the arena. Losing and falling down in the floor was the behold the worst sight Satoru had ever experienced, the blinding lights consumed whole and twisted, greedy rich men screaming into his ear for blaming them that they lost their gamble. With boxing ropes going as high as the ceiling acting like it was another wall, to separate the boxers from the rich. Satoru didn’t fight back against the system to stand up for himself. 

Entering the lockers, he changed into his new attire. Boxing gloves, helmet, shorts and heel-less socks. Taping his fist to prevent himself from getting injured and slipping for a better result of his shots. Finally getting down. 

He enter the ring. His first opponent of the night was a muscle, bulky bodybuilder. 

From the intercoms, the announcer introduced the two boxers in the arena, “Here in the right we have, Hanami !- Sliver hair newbie with the desire to crush anyone in his path. And in the left; we have the rising power of the last four rounds!- Gojo Satoru! We’ll be watching an engaging battle today folks!- a bulky built tank newbie versus the one and only Gojo Satoru! Put your bets in now!-“ 

At the bell- Satoru set himself in position. Starting light at his feet, bouncing back and forward with arms over his head for defense. But so was his opponent- both took a defensive stance right off the bat. Someone need start the match- striking first; aiming for the side of Hanami’s head. An block! 

Jumping back while Hanami strikes backs from the right and left; Satoru has to said that they had quick fist and arms— but going that fast is gonna strain themselves from the rest of the battle with an size that big and bulky. Satoru just needs to wait and let Hanami wear themselves out. 

But Hanami led Satoru into the corner of ring. Satoru had no where to run back to; calfs touching the boxing ropes. Thinking fast. 

He ducked easily escaping underneath their legs— “as a piece of advice from a professional; don’t let your stance too wide.” 

Off to the side, loud groans escaped from the spectator’s lips while others bragged about being right with their choices. “Told you, professional aren’t going to lose from amateurs who are still wet behind the ear.” Many of them snickering for the other’s presumed lost bets. 

Hanami swung their legs around to make a clean hit at Satoru’s side; it hit directly in target. An audible, ‘oof!’ Escaped Satoru’s throat. The kick swung Satoru back to the being corner by the ropes. His opponent must had studied him before participating. 

For bigger foes against him, Satoru often swung back from behind at the head. He was the out smarter by a gym-rat. 

Satoru’s side was rest on the ropes, behind him he heard insults from all directions, “You damn fool! Are you some fucking incel- inbred!? Get your dumbass up and kill that bastard!!” 

The match just started yet Satoru found it tiring to carry on— all he wants is to lay down, it didn’t matter if he gotten injured. He  used to it by now, he been boxing in underground rings for years. By now he’s used to the pain. 

Letting himself take a breather on the ropes, Hanami didn’t let their strength vanish after one hit. Now that Satoru let himself down, it was not to strike at his head. His guard was down. One clean strike to the head was all Hanami could need to end this match. 

An downcast shadow over his figure due to the overhead lights, Satoru looked haggard; eyes closed, head low, long white bangs of hair covered his eyes. He was tired— not from the match but from this routine. 

Fight, fight, fight— that was all Satoru was told he was good at. He could feel an presence hover over his body to make an clean K.O. in four minutes. Right before Hanami could get an clean sweep over him, his mind flash to Suguru, ‘promise me, you won’t get hurt?’ 

That’s right, he made a promise and you can’t break promises like that. Dodging the incoming threat from his left; he used the high beams of boxing ropes to his advantage. Climbing up them, he was able to get a good full-view scope of the arena like a bird. 

Up here he was safe— adapting to the new environment up in the air, he inhale an enormous wave of oxygen. Sweat was dripping downward his chin from his forehead. Brain working overtime like an overload machinery— stream was fusing out of his head. 

Moving his mouth guard as he examined the where he should next attack. Jumping down like an eagle to its prey; Satoru twisted his legs around Hanami’s neck taking repeated swings to the face. Satoru kept moving his arm back and forth as he punch the live out of his opponent till Hanami fall and collapsed on the floor. 

The countdown- 

“One!” 

“Two!” 

“Three!”

“Four!” 

“Five!”

“Six!”

“Seven!”

“Eight!”

“Nine!” 

“Ten! Hanami out! Satoru is the winner!” At the announcement, the referee held Satoru’s arm up while he had limp wrist. Satoru was panting heavily, chest rising and dropping again. Sweat falling off his hair that cover his face. Hearing screeching as some lost while other won.

Inside he felt so dead. This routine— fight, and fight and fight again till he had nothing left. He sick of it, but the money was great though- it helped pay his bills and finally his debt. 

When will this end? 

“Sugie,” Kenjaku called out to her son. At the entranceway of their apartment, she stood with a bouquet of flowers; arranged to be have the smaller foliage on the outside with the larger ones centered. 

“I’m coming!” He was making his way out of his room, it was getting colder so it was only logical to dress more warmly. A muffler over his nose and an earmuffs warming his ears. He covered up his face due to having weak nerves there. 

It was nearing winter; autumn was just here but only to say it’s hi and hellos to leave it’s bare trees and welcome the frigid weather. It wasn’t completely cold yet, but it was getting there. Soon this year will have it’s first snow. 

Kenjaku eyed her son’s attire, “will you be warm enough? You do know we will standing outside for long time?” 

“I’ll be fine. But do you want to go now? You just got off your shift from the hospital, we can go at a different time.” 

“… I’ll be fine Sugie,” she said. Suguru watched as her eyes dropped a little, the lights in her eyes had disappeared a long time ago. 

Suguru said a soft and almost silent, “okay..” as long as you want to, the last few words went unsaid. The bitter sentiment of seeing his mother in this state— still pushing herself too hard. 

Opening the doorway, getting greeted by the cold front’s winds. Light from the outside entered their home but watching from the outside as Suguru watched his mother close the doors to their apartment; the light disappeared as they shut the doors closed. 

Getting into the car that was parked in the parking lot of the apartment complex. They shared a silent moment before starting the engine— Suguru and his mother gotten warm in the vehicle. The foggy windows started to melted. Suguru pressed the gas petal, slowly reversing out of the parking spot and then shifted the gears to drive. 

From the parking lot, they left to the graveyard. The drive was silent, either one of them speaking but the filtering noise of the road from outside as Suguru drove them. Chasing lanes to the right— Suguru glance at his mother, seeing how she was doing. His mother had always been a silent person, with a closed-off personality. 

Lots of people found it hard to approach her first, but her husband was the outlier. Suguru never really asked them about their love story while growing up, but he knew a few things. His mother was a few years older than his father; both met at a convenience store. Kenjaku work there part-time to get experience and save up money for college; his father, Mahito was an third year in junior-high while his mother was an first-year in high-school. 

They were in some ways— ying and yang. Having both of their personalities being on two different end of an spectrum; his father had an fun and upbeat personality while his mother was more reserved. Yet somehow, they fell in love, Suguru still didn’t know the whole story. 

He sometimes wishes he did, but being this old— it would have been awkward to ask now. 

Eyes back in the road, soon they came their way to the cemetery. Suguru tried to keep a straight face, it’s been years yet he still cries every time he visits his father’s grave. It hurts every time. His mother never said much, but always offer him tissues after he cried out his tears. 

Ever if he never saw his mother cry in front of him; Suguru knows that she was crying in the inside, just waiting for complete solitude to let it out. 

Washing down the tomb stone with wash, and burning incense— Suguru and Kenjaku spoke about their lives since his departure. Suguru told his father, “I’m going to enter my third year of college… I also met someone special. Wished you were here to meet them, dad.” 

Kenjaku patted her son’s back, while he was speaking tears gushing out. He was shaking and struggling to keep a structure sentence without having broken words. “Sugie, go back to the car… I’ll talk to your father alone.” 

Suguru glancing at his mother, “okay.. I love you dad. I’ll visit again soon.” He smiled as he walked away from the tomb to leave his mother alone. He know that she couldn’t speak or grief had Suguru been there. 

 Waiting in the comfort of his car, he dialed Satoru, hearing his voice again. “Suguru!! You call! Is something wrong?” 

“No.. nothing’s wrong, just wanted to hear your voice.” Suguru’s voice was a little bit low. 

“Actually..” Suguru paused before he considered speaking, “I’m at my dad’s grave, heh… sorry to bothering you with depressing things.” 

On the other-side of the phone, Suguru heard Satoru laugh. “I don’t mind.. I like it when you tell me things.” At Satoru’s words, Suguru could see how Satoru was smiling through the phone. He could see his smile shine from miles away. 

“Are you dressing warmer now? It’s getting cold.” A few month ago, Suguru had brought Satoru a brand new wardrobe. They been together for nine months, Suguru gotten curious about why he only have a few sets of clothes. So six months ago, he emptied out his wallet for Satoru, buying him new sets of shoes, several different sets of pant for athletic-wear, winter and summer. Buying him coats and kitting him mittens and scarfs for winter. 

Suguru wonder how Satoru survived with only a few sets of clothes, but it seemed to be a touchy subject. He wanted Satoru to trust him more before asking why. Listening to the ruffing engine warm the car. 

“Ya, I am. Right now I’m wear your scarf and mittens!! Are you dressing warmer?” 

Suguru hummed into the speaker of his cell, “I am, do you like the mittens?” 

“Wouldn’t trade it for the world, that’s how much I love it. I love it so so so much.” Satoru emphasizes with his words on so. Suguru’s heart ached, how could someone this precious be alive? 

“You idiot, you should trade it for the world. Because I can always make an earned and better one, you don’t need to be so attached to it,” Suguru was only joking. But not even he told Satoru that he would make him a new one if anything happened to the previous one. 

Satoru winced like an puppy on the phone. “But I don’t wanna— this one is special! It’s the first hand-made mittens I was given.”

“And it wouldn’t be your last,” Suguru’s voice sounded like an angel’s whispers. Soft, sweet and gentle. 

“I wanna see you.. when can I see you again? Are classes done?” 

“I have a class later day.. but I’m free after.” 

“Can I come over today? I wanna see you.” 

An agreeing hum, “I wanna see you too, Satoru. I miss your presence, your warmth, your face too. I miss seeing all the parts of you.”

“If only you were here, right now.”

“I’ll be there sooner or later.” 

Satoru cleared his throat, “Suguru…ahh- if you’re free, can I take you out on a date?” In the other side of the phone, Satoru was twiddling his thumbs. “I wanna show off this time!” 

Suguru giggled softly, “what do you mean, ‘show off?” 

“Like, I want to pay for everything this time. I don’t want you to lift a finger this time.” Satoru scratched his cheeks; feeling a bit nervous. He was in debt and almost never had money which was why Suguru always ended up paying for the both of them. 

“You really don’t have to, Satoru. It’s fine— I don’t mind paying for the both of us.” 

“But, this time I just want to show off you to you once! Just once I wanna treat you to the best date ever.” 

“Okayyyy—just for once, you can treat me out.” He laughed as he heard Satoru said, “YES! See you soon! MAUW!!” 

Ending the call Suguru waited for his mother to come back to the car. But he was waiting longer than he thought, she had always been quick about it in the past.

Worrying if she had fainted from being overworked; he exited the car in search of his mother. Kenjaku was the head nurse for the emergency room and it has been getting more and more algid each year.

The arctic-like winds greeted Suguru once again— frigidly up the thinnest areas of his body, his cheeks and ears. Suguru didn’t care if he was cold, all he cared was his mother; he doesn’t want to be left alone. His mother was his only family member left. 

He doesn’t want to go through the pain of losing someone precious to him again. 

Vision wetting as he shrivels from the cold-front, spotting her mother sitting in a nearby bench with her head hung down. Her hands were shaking together with a crinkling napkin between her fingers. Suguru slowed his pace, “Mom.. are you okay?” 

Kenjaku looked up, seeing her son’s concerned face; but all she could do was well up in tears. “No.. I’m not okay..” hanging her head low again; tears streaming down her face as her hair blocked Suguru’s view of her face. “I miss him..! I miss him so badly..” 

Suguru sat down next to her quietly, looking down at his shoes; gently consoling his mother by rubbing her back with slowed movements. Finally allowing herself to grieve publicly; an step forward for his mother. 

Later that week; Suguru was getting ready again— he was finally going to see Satoru again! His mother was leaning on his bedroom door’s frame, “Are you going to meet Satoru again?” 

“Yep.” Suguru had his back turned on the door to appraise himself in the mirror.

“What do you see in him? He has no fortune nor an education.”

“Ma!— don’t say that. I thought you liked him!” Suguru sharply turned around with a shocked face. He had brought Satoru to meet his mother months ago because they was finally comfortable with Suguru’s mother. But for his mother to make this comment months later about his significant other!

“I do like him!” She reclaimed, “but— it’s just that he has no good qualities about himself other than his face.” 

“Mom, Satoru is actually very clever too! You just need to get to know him better, and plus his personality is amazing! When was the last time someone made you laugh?” No answer. “See?—Satoru was the last person who had made you laugh!” 

Kenjaku sighed, “I know. I understand, but a man who can make me smile aren’t anything when compare to money….” Thinking about her wording more carefully, she sighed, “what I mean is that, I wish for you to choose someone that can make some money, I only want then best for you, Sugie.”  Sitting on top of her son’s bed while he still vainly look at himself in the mirror. 

Looking at her son in the mirror; he looked exactly like her but only if she was a male instead of a female. 

Suguru smiled gently at his mother, “mom, it’s only been a few months since we met, are you think that we will get married?” 

“I have a speculation that you two might, yes.” Kenjaku gotten up from the bed and to her son; touching his shoulder, smoothing out the wrinkles that were from in the dryer onto the coat he wore. 

Looking over to his mother, Suguru spoke, “but I rather have someone who can make me smile and laugh than a man who only gives me money, ma.” 

Grabbing his chin, Kenjaku recenter his face to the mirror, “… you’re just like me, Sugie,” behind him, she smiled. Patting her son’s shoulders, “have fun, Sugie.” 

Turning his whole body around, Suguru smiled as he grabbed his bag and headed out to the foyer, “I will, see you later, Mom.” Waving his goodbye, the door shut behind him. 

She smiled back at her son as the door to their apartment closed, “see you soon.” 

Making his way to the station; Satoru and Suguru met up at 3. Spotting Satoru outside leaning over the station wall’s with a feet propped out to balance. 

Suguru felt high, he was giggled as he thought; he looks like a model posing for an photoshoot. “Satoru!!” He called out to his boyfriend’s name. 

At his call, Satoru turned his head to the direction to his voice, “Suguru!” He sprinted over to him like a puppy welcoming his owner home. He leaped onto his arms, “missed ya, a lot.” 

“ I can see,” kissing Satoru on the cheekbones, cherishing their shared warmth in the cold. Suguru felt engulfed by Satoru’s figure, he loved it— feeling Satoru all around him. Tiling his head up, “ready to go?” 

“Don’t worry!— I have the whole itinerary ready to go!” Satoru closed his eyes and pointed his thumb to himself, confident and sure of himself; he knows that nothing will go wrong today! He was sure of it, even checking his fortune with an grandma who claimed to be an fortune teller.

His face backing away, Suguru glared his thumb over Satoru’s cheekbone; spotting a thin scrap that was in the middle of healing. “… did you get hurt again?” 

Taking Suguru’s hands in his— Satoru touched where Suguru was touching on his cheeks “..sorry, I did— it doesn’t hurt at all! I promise.” Suguru’s eyes shifted slightly to the rough knuckles of his. 

“Promise?” 

“Promise,” Satoru reassures Suguru, a calm and low, steady voice. “Now! Why don’t we start going?” He gleams with burning smile that rivals the sun. 

With a soft and endearing laugh, “you so stupid Satoru.” 

Satoru response with a joking comeback, “you say that yet I still help you with your college homework.” His back turns, leading Suguru to their destination of their date. 

A punch to the back, “Quiet your mouth!” Suguru said with an annoyed smile— starting to walk side by side with Satoru. Hands still intertwined. Suguru brings Satoru’s hand to his lips; smooching the callous knuckles— the rough patches of skin  glazing over his lips. 

Eventually they arrive to their destination, an arcade. Inside was cool and filled to the brim with various of different games from crane game, driving simulators and RPG shooters. The white lights beams above the miles of crane games which were filed with different merchandise inside— from anime figures, to plushies , to expensive electric devices and snacks. 

They start off by taking a shot at the crane games first; Satoru bragging that he could get anything in one try. Satoru dropped his coins in the slot and the crane game activates; the music starting with an upbeat note. Suguru stands off to the sideline watching Satoru aiming the crane to plushie; the doll that Satoru is aiming for is an Sanrio plush— cinnamoroll. 

He looks like an child with the aura of youth in his eyes. And finally aiming the crane at the doll, Satoru smashes the button to command the crane to grab the item. The two watches with anticipation as the cranes wraps its claws over the doll, slowly moving it over to the drop box.

But at the last second, the crane drops the doll back on the platform, Satoru groans with an upset sigh, Suguru laughs as he tells his boyfriend, “it’s okay! Don’t worry, you still got another chance!” 

With an cute pouting lip, Satoru looked over to Suguru, “but I promised that I’ll get it in one shot..” 

Suguru grabs his chin, dragging it over to his face; pecking his lips, “crane games were alway meant to be rigged a little, so don’t get discouraged.” 

Eyeing the long, dark lashes— Satoru kissed the eyelids of Suguru, and with another thumbs up. Satoru goes a reattempts his hand at the crane game. 

A few more try; the machine is eating away at Satoru’s money. So this was his last attempt before he finally has to stop and move on. Concentrates at an all time high, Satoru’s eyes are sending daggers down the crane’s claws; watching for the fifth time as the claws picks up the doll’s body and moves forward to the drop down. The crane releases it’s claws, and it finally lands in the drop down!!

Satoru bends down at lighting speed and receive the reward! Showing the doll to Suguru, “for you!” 

As Satoru shows him the cinnamoroll doll, Suguru looks at him with confusion, “but.. you tried so hard to get it, don’t you want to keep it?” 

Satoru shakes his head, “I only wanted to get it for you, I told you. I wanted to show off today,” and with the last words, he shows his charming smile once again. “And~” Satoru brings the doll close to his face, “the doll kinda looks like me, right?” 

Now that Satoru mentions it, the doll should reminds Suguru of him. Suguru’s lips upturns as he agrees, “cute and pretty like you.” Thumbing over the lips before pressing his lips against them again. 

Pulling their bodies apart, Satoru pulls over a small digital camera out of his coat’s pocket. “Smile!” He saids without hesitation as he pulls Suguru’s shoulders closer to his body while Suguru holds the doll in his hands. 

The camera flashes and Satoru presses the camera shutters again, it flashes again as Satoru surprises Suguru on a peck on the cheek. “Satoru!” 

Humming softly, “hmmm?~ what’s wrong?” 

Blushing as he had a dumb smile on his face while he looks at him, “nothing.” Silly. Suguru does nothing but turn away and spot another arcade game to play with Satoru. 

Going off to play a shooting RPG, Satoru allows himself to get dragged around by Suguru. He watches as Suguru enjoys himself as he plays with him; Satoru secretly snaps a picture as Suguru remains distracted by the video game. 

Suguru catches Satoru staring at him with an adorned expression, Satoru was the first one to speak, “I love you, Suguru.”

Suguru giggles as he says, “I knew that, why else would you be dating me?” He turned to look at Satoru as the games comes to an end.

He blinks, repeating his words as he’s was even more smitten by Suguru, “I love love you!~~” Satoru runs his hands through Suguru’s hair. 

Suguru pats his back, “ I know, I know.” 

“I would die for you.” 

Suguru pecks Satoru’s lips again, “thank you?” Laughing awkwardly; unsure how to feel about it. “Thanks you Satoru, I’ll appreciate it.” But dismissing it like it was a joke. 

Later they go to the lower floors to the bowling alley. They spent an hour and a half bowling before leaving for dinner. Satoru gets handed the bill for the tonight and it exceeds what he was expecting. 

Seeing the gears turning in Suguru’s head, he tells him, “don’t, I’ll take care of it. I told you; Im the one who is treating you today.” 

“Satoru, it’s fine. Don’t worry,” he takes the bill for tonight’s dinner nonetheless. 

Fighting for the bill; Satoru takes it, “no—it’s not, I promised? I’ll treat you out today, not the other way around.” Suguru tries to resist the pull coming from Satoru over the bill; he’s still insisting on paying, so as the final measure, Satoru pulls out his puppy eyes. “Please?” 

“Aghh— did you know I’m weak to that?” Suguru pouts as he lets Satoru win this time. But the guilt and shame of watching Satoru pay for him, it felt disgusting. He knows better than to let Satoru pay for him. Satoru wasn’t well-off, yet.. Satoru wanted to spend his money on him? 

It felt guilty. Satoru should have been using that money for himself or should have been saving it instead in a one-time thing. Regretting his choice, Suguru tried to withdrawn his reluctant offer for having Satoru buy for the both of them. “Satoru, I think it’s better if I pay instead, please; I  mean it. You can pay for the desserts later.” 

“Is it because I’m poor?” Satoru looks down at his thighs. Questioning Suguru if the reason why he was acting like this was because of his wealth, Suguru knows that Satoru isn’t living within the means of normal standards, actually Satoru was barely over the poverty line. Barely scrapping by whatever means. 

Suguru feels the frustration in Satoru’s voice, but he has to be honest, “yes… I just can’t consciously let you pay for us knowing that you will suffer because of it— I would rather you spent that money on yourself rather than an one-time thing.” 

Satoru looks at Suguru with hurt eyes, “Suguru..” inside of Satoru is a messy forest of words; he doesn’t know what to say first or how to sentence them in a coherent manner. “Suguru, I am spending the money how I want to. This isn’t just a one-time thing for me, this is my appreciation towards you. You deserve so much more better than a poor loser like me; you are always helping me, paying for me, providing me warm clothes fitted for the weather. So.. for me, this is all I can do to show you that I love an appreciation you. You mean so much to me it hurt to put in only in words.” 

Satoru takes a long breathe after his mini-monologue, “is that really that bad?- for me to pay for you?” 

Feeling lost for words, Suguru admits it, “can I be honest?” 

Satoru nods, Suguru continues at his approval, “when you pay for me, it makes me feel like I’m stealing money from the homeless.” His words are as sharp as a knife to Satoru. 

Breaking in his words, Suguru looks at Satoru with earnest eyes— coming from deep within the heart, “and I love you; to death and beyond I love you Satoru, but I don’t want to steal what little you have. If that money is what lays between you and complete homelessness, I much rather not take it—“ 

“What do you think of me?— as a person, don’t include commodities like wealth, appearances or status. Just tell me what you see me as.” 

“My one and only— you’re my one and only person I would go to death and beyond for, Satoru. I can’t think of a world where I can’t be without you, just the thought of that hurts. You’re someone that I love so much, it hurts.” 

A single tear escapes Satoru’s eye, “y-you’re such a poet, Suguru.” His tone and attitude was light and cheerful, slightest bit of joking. “Fine.. if you feel that deeply about me paying for you. I’ll let you have the bill this time.” 

“And the time after this time,” Suguru adds. 

“Noo!!—“ 

Intimating Satoru’s expression, Suguru copies him like a printer as he pays for the bill, “Yessss!!-“ 

They stare at each other momentarily before burst out laughing in each other’s face. Exiting the restaurant, Satoru takes the lead again, “since we just finishing eating, let’s do some digesting!” 

“Ehhh!!- what do you meann??—“ Suguru moans with an exaggerated wince, still following Satoru without little resistance. But allowing his boyfriend drag him around like an over-excited dog out for a walk; Suguru smiles. 

The night was now even colder than it was in the morning, the huffs of warm air forming a visible fog as it escapes their bodies. Their joyous laughs prevails through the silence night skies. As Satoru runs along with Suguru in the frosty night, hand in hand. 

The boxer can feel the soft hands touch his. The gentleness clashes against his roughness— but they hold each other. Suguru trips over a creak in the concrete; he’s falling. But an hand under his thighs— Satoru sweeps him up into his arms; keeping him safe and sound. Suguru leans back into the floor but Satoru never stops holding him, hands steady on his thighs and back. Finally grabbing into something, Suguru stabilized himself in Satoru’s arm as he holds him up— suguru’s arms are holding onto Satoru’s neck. 

They feel so intense and intimate; they’re linked together.

Satoru and Suguru laughs as Satoru twirls around a bit before letting Suguru down. The streets were quiet yet their youth were still so loud. The night paints purplish black shadows over the city but the city lights up their world; the cities is just beautiful when it was just themselves alone. 

“Satoru! Kiss me?” Suguru asked cups Satoru’s face in his hands, Satoru leans in— their tongue intertwined with one another’s, they been pecking and smooching each other all day. But this one is different, they’re alone. 

Eyes closed, arms around each other. But Satoru opens his eyes, “Suguru, look-“ he tells him as they reach their destination. Overlooking the lights below them, their hands in the rails as they lean forward; Satoru has his hands over Suguru’s. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” 

Suguru responds as he looks at Satoru’s side profile instead of the ground beneath them, “ya… it’s beautiful— the prettiest thing I ever seen.” 

Satoru leans his head onto Suguru’s shoulder, “Suguru?…” his voice is soft, timbre and low. Like at any given moment he could cry. 

“yes Satoru?..” Suguru matches the same tone in Satoru’s voice. 

“Can I tell you something?” 

“Go ahead.”

Satoru Gojo was actually a rich kid… but only because he was adopted into a family as an act of charity. And the kids around him knew that. And children being ruthless and cruel as they could be, also made sure to make Satoru know that— with the excuse of making sure Satoru knew his place in the hierarchy system. 

It was already hard to adapt to a new home, but also a new hierarchy system where he knew he wasn’t accepted in. School was the worse part of his childhood, he didn’t have a hard time getting his work done nor getting good grade, but getting himself assimilated into his peers was another story. It was hard to concentrate when the hair pulling and name calling was coming from all directions. 

So he often skipped attending classes or skip going to school entirely. Strangely enough, his adopted parents didn’t care; so he continued to do so, avoiding school, avoiding people. 

The truth was that he enjoyed learning, just didn’t liked to be told that he was a lower class than them by his peers; it hurts. He was lonely, alone— people overlooked him like he was apart of the backdrop of their story. Merely nothing more than a painting on a wall; sometimes made negative remarks, sometimes positive, but was mostly ignored. 

In a way his adoptive parents were the same, they only choose him because he was fairly intelligent and attractive. To them, he was like a pet.

But in all— he was like a ghost; invisible to everyone but himself. 

It didn’t matter, it was fine— has long as he was sheltered and fed, Satoru didn’t care. 

One day, Satoru was skipping school as always. Head deep inside a book, inside the ginormous library which no one really used. Reading on floor, lost inside a book— no body was there to bother him, not that anyone would had wanted to. 

But today was different, Satoru just gotten done with reading his favorite series— the ending was lackluster. He wishes that it was fake and that wasn’t the real ending to his favorite series. 

Closing his book with an heavy heart, he felt slightly empty inside. No longer having something to enjoy himself to while avoiding reality made him feel hollow. Even if the ending sucked, he still remembered the good times that he spent along the way as he read the story. 

Placing the book back into the shelves where he found it, Satoru exited the library. Servants passed him by but didn’t notice his position as their master. But it wasn’t like Satoru didn’t see them as his servant in the first place, just people that worked here. Someone who was soon to be a fleeting memory. 

Stuffing his hands into his pockets as he walked, his eyes towards the corridor’s windows on the right of him. Some of the shadows casting onto his face from the leaves blocking off the sunlight; while the other piercing through the leaves and left spots of sunlight in his face. 

Blinking melancholy, his fluffy eyelashes darted back and forth. His face was in a state of weltschmerz— he was empty, what was he supposed to do now? Reread the series? Read a new book? 

Satoru didn’t want to do that!— it was all boring to him now, he felt a boiling sadness of having such a wasted ending. It could have been great, yet the author decided to ruin it all—it was like a castle of card were falling. It truly was perfect all up till the ending, if he could go back in time, he would toss the book away to avoid experiencing such a terrible ending. 

But with a lost of words, Satoru accepted that it was the ending— sadly enough. Walking off to the foyer of his estate, he left with just his shoes and hands in pocket. With no idea where he was going, he just walked and walked. 

The sun heated up the earth’s surface, the atmosphere was humid and sticky all over— summer, Satoru wasn’t sure if he really liked summer. Yes, he didn’t have to go to school, but Satoru hadn’t been going to school in a long time in the first place. Summer was unnecessary hot, and sticky to the skin. 

After walking for so long, he found a bookstore. Inside was cool, a little bit retro— but still better than outside at this point. He was sick of being hot and sweaty from the heat. 

Hearing the wind chimes react from opening the door, Satoru’s eyes looked up; directly at the chimes at the door’s. The chime was design to have plastic gems to reflect rainbows when it hits the surface— so many little rainbows appeared on the floor of the retro bookstore like the sunspots on the concrete. 

Inside was very comforting, warm-colored wooden floors and furniture: tables and chairs, and rows of books and magazines. The clerk at the counter greeted Satoru, “Hello.” 

Satoru nodded, “Hello.” He blankly stared for an second or two, and then turned to search for an book; running his hands down the isles of books on the shelf— and as he thought, none of them stood out to him. In a bore, he did another lap around the bookstore in search of something to entertain him. 

At a corner of the wall, he heard— PANG! It was so loud, that Satoru thought it was from the bookstore, but actually it was due to the thin walls; next door was boxing Dojo. He tired to ignore the noises that were emerging from the next doors, but it was insufferably loud. 

Leaving the bookstore— hands empty and unfulfilled heart, hollow and empty like it before. Hand in the pocket once again, eyes closed momentarily for a breathe of fresh, humid air, the sounds of summer ringing in his ears. Taking in the silence of the world, today was peaceful. 

He walked, passing the dojo; BANG!!— the noises of the boxing mittens smashing through something again. Satoru stopped at his steps, the sounds of grunts and labor welled through the walls all the way outside. Knowing that it wouldn’t be of any interest to him, Satoru should just walk away, yet he didn’t— instead he walked closer to the dojo. Kneeling down to the small window in the floor, peering inside— a man was flying in the air while the other stood his ground. 

Satoru was sure that the man standing his ground would fail, he was shorter, smaller, thinner— but he was wrong. That man won, even if it wasn’t Satoru’s victory— the adrenaline rushed to his chest and head, he was exited, filled with emotion, passion, joy. And most importantly, curiosity. 

How? Why? Did that man win? And not the other, who was clearly bigger, taller and more muscular than the other? 

Satoru back stepped and entered the Dojo, running up man who won, “How!! How did you do that?!” 

The man grinned, tapping to his head, “logic.” 

At his answer the joy faded, logic?? How did that have anything to deal with his wins? “Huhhh!!!!???” 

“Toji over here was flying at me, yet his arms didn’t stop to guard his neck— with that was an opening. Look for the opening.” 

“Hey!-  don’t tell that kid I lost! I didn’t!” The man who was on the floor grumbled, Toji— that was his name. 

“You lost, I saw it,” Satoru testified. The man who won laughed at the kid’s dead-straight face at his comment. 

“Name’s Shiu Kong, that’s man over there is Toji Fushiguro— typically that man doesn’t end up as the loser, yet he did.” 

“I wanna see it again!” 

“The match?” Toji grunted. 

“Ye!”

Sensing an opportunity to make money, Toji smirked, “hey kid, he’s a member at this gym but if you join you can learn to be like him. Or like me!” 

Satoru’s eyes gleamed, “okay!! I wanna be like him though, I don’t wanna end up as the loser.” 

At Satoru’s words, Toji’s head shoot down, “ahh!-“ the word, ‘loser’ shot him in the heart. “I’m not always like an loser!! You just caught me slipping, ONE time!!” Toji made sure to punctuate the word, ‘one’ to get his point across. 

But in hindsight, it just made him look more and more desperate to show that he wasn’t a loser. But it was too late, Satoru had already burned the memory of Toji losing that one time to being a loser. 

After that day onward, Satoru registered and became an member at Toji’s dojo. Religious coming everyday like it was his form of an church. He failed, day after day, yet it still didn’t snuffed his flame to grow, be stronger, fight with logic. 

Now Satoru was sixteen years old, joining when he was eight— it had been eight years of training, his skin bruised and scarred. But it was prove of his hard work; prove of how far he came and could go. He was young blood, ready as ever for what ever life made him take on. 

But one night, returning home.. he found out his family went bankrupt, and his family flew the country without him— leaving him with an massive amount of debt, too much to carry on his own. Ahh.. I was the scapegoat…

It was all happening too quickly, so Satoru just walked. And walked. And walked till his foot started to hurt and wanted to fall off. He’s lost… what to do now? 

Satoru was sure he was ready to take on what ever the life throws at him, but.. wasn’t this a little too much? He was just sixteen, barely went to school and a middle-school drop out. Going from the life of an orphan to rich to dirt poor, what an rollercoaster life had been for him. 

Lost in thought, Satoru almost walked into the oncoming road if it wasn’t for an long black-hair teenager, with purple eyes. They seemed to be his age, “are you some kind of idiot?! What kind of moron walks straight into the oncoming road?? Are you asking to be killed!?” 

“…ahh, noo?” Not yet anyways.. maybe suicide was an better option than living with this amount of debt. 

Satoru blankly stared at the stranger who had saved his live, at that moment, both of them felt the small raindrops hit their noses. “It’s gonna rain.” 

“.. ya, it is, it seems,” the prettiest boy with black hair, that Satoru had ever seen spoke. “We should find shelter, do you have an umbrella?” 

Satoru shook his head, the other laughed, “ya, me too!” They seemed to be happy and cheery, in some ways, Satoru found it hard to relate; the possibility of feeling anything was little to none to him, just the feeling of numb.

The other took his hands without saying a word, they were smaller than him, but only by little bit, yet their back’s felt so big. Satoru liked it. He smiled softly, but only for a bit. 

Underneath a bus stop, the plastic cover was transparent and Satoru could see the raindrops hitting together on top of he roof, “we made it just in time, don’t we?” 

“Ya. We did,” Satoru eyes still looked up at the transparent roofing of the bus stop, his hands extended only slightly; the never-ending downpour rained on his palms. 

The other smiled and did the same, “it feel great, doesn’t it?” 

“It only does cause we don’t have to get wet,” Satoru pointed out. 

A giggle, “ya, you’re right, it’s only good rain when we don’t have to get wet.” 

They waited underneath the covers of the bus stop, till the bus came, the black-hair boy said, “this is my stop, don’t walk into oncoming traffic again, bye! And I hope you keep yourself safe.” He waved to Satoru, Satoru reciprocated with a wave back— his wave was slower compare to the one on the bus. It had more life to him. 

Later, Satoru told Toji his new-found dilemma; and Toji helped his out, there wasn’t too much he could do. But he helped Satoru get up an apartment— it was small and clearly not fit for human living, but Satoru made do. Toji even helped Satoru get hooked up with an high-paying job, but the catch was it an underground fighting-ring, it was for rich people’s entertainment— rich people always had their weird interests. 

And after working hard for the next couple years, he spotted the same boy that saved him that day— Suguru Geto at a lecture hall that he stumbled upon. Struggling to keep up with his professor and his peers, Satoru helped him with an smile. 

It had been one year since they first met. Satoru laid his head on Suguru’s chest. His heart was pounding, “nerves?” Satoru asked. They were on Suguru’s bed once again, in the silence of the apartment with an anxious feeling. 

“Ya..” Suguru spoke, he waiting for his email for his acceptance for an internship at a big company. 

Satoru stroked his hair, “you’ll be fine, Suguru baby.” A chaste kiss, “don’t be nervous.” 

Suguru wrapped his arms around Satoru’s waist, “I know.. but I just can’t help it, you know how nervous I get.” 

“ I know, which is why I’m here.”

“Thank you..” 

“There’s no need to. I’m just doing what a lover should do.” Suguru hummed as Satoru played with his hair once again, his breath was sweet. 

They both ate out earlier, and the restaurant had free complementary hard, melon candy. Satoru took more than five, stuffing in his pockets and winking at Suguru, he couldn’t help but laugh. Suguru saw Satoru like a squirrel stashing it’s acorn. 

Popping the green melon candy, the sweetest melted slowly in both of their mouths. Suguru told Satoru, it reminds of his father. Mahito often came home and brought Suguru a bag of these, it was nostalgic. 

For Satoru it was the same, the sweet melon flavor brought him back to when he was eight and still an amateur at boxing, Toji’s dojo had an small basket of melon candy for free from time to time. 

DING!- Suguru’s phone screen lit up with a notification. He closed his eyes, “Satoru!— you know what to do!!” 

Satoru kissed Suguru’s closed eyelids, “yes!yes! On it!” Satoru grabbed Suguru’s phone in the bedside, unlocking the cell— the password was their birthdays mixed together. Satoru navigated to Suguru’s email app, clicking the email, quickly skimming over the contents; ensure it was good news before read it out-loud. 

“The message came bring good news, Suguru,” Satoru cupped his lover’s jaws. He felt Suguru open one of his eyes, “really??..” 

“Really.” 

“Read it to me.” 

Clearing his throat, Satoru started reading from top to bottom— 

“Dear Suguru Geto.

We, Tokyo Research Institute and Company, had overlooked and revise your application to our posting. 

And we are happy to have new interns, many new and exciting opportunities and experiences will come and follow you. 

We accept you, Suguru Geto to our team, 

Sign, Mei-Mei.” 

“Baby! You did it!!” Satoru gently toss Suguru’s phone on the bed and giving Suguru an thousand kisses in the cheek.  “I told you, I knew you’ll do it! Don’t doubt yourself.” 

Suguru leaned his head into the hands that held his face, his own hands over Satoru’s, “I only had courage because I had you, Satoru.” 

“Do you know when you’re starting?” 

“new year apparently, quite soon.” 

“So right after Christmas? That’s too soon!!” Satoru winced. But Suguru didn’t have a choice. 

“I know, I know, sorry. But I promised that next year I’ll spend my whole break with you and my mom.” 

Satoru stared into his purple eyes, blue to purple— purple to blue, “you better,” Satoru joked. “And I hope you understand what you’re sighing up for!! You’re gonna have to double the fun and excitement to make up for this year!!l Satoru ruffed Suguru’s hair. 

“Ahhhh!! Okayyy!! Okay!!!” Suguru laughed as he pulled Satoru to land down again. “ I got it, and I promise. Pinky promise with my heart across that if I break it I will swear to.. give you my soul!”

Another chaste kiss on the lips, Satoru smiled at Suguru, “hahah, okay.” 

The window beside them frosted a little, then first snow was landing, Suguru noticed, “wanna go outside a bit?” 

“For what?”

“Just wait and see!!- get dressed!” Suguru pulled his muffler and ear muff and his winter coats over his pajamas. Waiting for Satoru at the foyer of his apartment, Satoru was rushed out of bed, quickly getting his winter coats a knitted scarf and mittens. 

“Wait for me!!” Satoru struggled to get his shoes on in one slip. Suguru cheered the back ground, “hurry! Hurry!” 

Once Satoru gotten his shoes on, “done! Done!” 

Suguru took Satoru’s hands, “okay okay, follow me now!” Satoru could barely keep up, but the way Suguru lead him to somewhere unknown to him was familiar— he liked it. No, he loved it. 

Down too many stairwells, and passed many corridors, Satoru felt like Suguru was just dragging him around; finally outside, the first snow of winter. “Tat-da!!” Suguru exclaimed, with jazz hands up in the air. The snow slowly fell down the clouds and landing on the surface of Earth. 

“Soon, this place will be a winter wonderland!” Satoru jumped in excitement. They laughed at each other’s eccentrics. 

Taking Satoru’s hands once again, thumbs rubbing over the scarred knuckles, “in Korea, they say, ‘if you’re out during the first snow of the season with someone you love, true love will blossom between you.’ I wanted to show you, so our love will transcend earth’s time and space and beyond.” 

Satoru pressed his forehead onto Suguru’s, “our love is already truer than truth. Nothing will change or break it.” 

Sharing an understanding; they shared another kiss in front of the apartment building. There wasn’t anyone else there but them. Soon.. it will be an winter wonderland. 

“Christmas is coming soon…” Suguru said to himself, staring outside the window— it was frosty with the edges getting filled with snow. His head rested on his arms, eyes following the light amount of snow that caressed down. 

He wondered what Satoru was doing, it been two weeks since they last saw each other— their schedule didn’t match for enough time to hang out or have a date, Satoru had more work, Suguru had study and research.

The woes of being an adult; the annoying obstacles of work and school, and time. 

Eyelids felt heavy, but Suguru fought off the urge to sleep. Tapping his phone awake, 10 PM. 

Maybe…. A call wouldn’t hurt.  

Speed dialing Satoru, he yawns a little bit— he’s been pulling an all-nighter for two days. Still listening to the ringing, waiting for Satoru to pick up the phone— he hums a little to keep him awake. 

Still waiting… but the phone goes to voicemail; so Suguru tries again, hanging up the call and calling back again. He picks at his hangnail as he waits. 

Finally, Satoru picks up the phone, “Suguru! Hey, how are you?” He sounds a little nervous and out of breath. 

“Sleepy, but it’s manageable. How about you? I hadn’t seen you in a few days… I miss you.” Suguru gets up from his desk and lays sideways on his bed. “Were you busy?… sorry for calling you.” 

“No!-no!— it’s fine. I was just working out, sorry I didn’t pick up sooner, baby.” 

Working out? “No wonder, you sound like you just got off the treadmill.” 

“Does it sound sexy?” 

“Hmmmmm~ let me think. No!” Suguru jokes. His cheeks raises as he grins, as he thinks, it’s actually is the sexiest thing I ever heard. 

“Well~ I think you’re bed voice is quite attractive.” Satoru comments. He can image what he’s doing right now, laying down on his bed with his hair down. 

Suguru hums, “it’s going to be Christmas soon.” He flips to his other side on his bed, facing his walls, playing with the ends of his hair. 

“Really? That soon?!” Suguru could hear Satoru grinning. 

“Yup, that soon. Satoru.. are you free right now?” 

“I’m free, but aren’t you tired?” 

“I’ll be fine, I can just walk it off, y’know.” Pushing himself off the bed, Suguru repositioned himself to lean his back against the wall. “But right now, more than anything in this universe, I would love to see your face again.” 

“Y-you’re such a poet,” Satoru stutters, Suguru can tell that he’s blushing red on the other side of the phone. Cute. 

“Then where do you want to meet? You can choose,” Suguru tells his lover. He’s half-sure that Satoru is already outside somewhere that he can’t reach. Parts of him wishes he knew what Satoru was, the idea of making him install a tracking app intrigues him.. not because he’s untruthful but because he likes to know where his lover is. 

“I’ll text you the place, it’s special place— so, I’ll meet you up there and we can walk the rest.”

Suguru coos, “a special place? How special, could it be?” 

“A special place where you can always find me.” 

“Okay, if you say so.”

“See you soon, my love.”

“See you soon too, Satoru,” Suguru says his lover’s name like it’s the loveliness thing to say, but it’s because it in. His tongue naturally rolls Satoru’s name like it’s full of longing and love. 

Hearing the phone call getting hanged up, Satoru quickly types his location to their spot to meet up. The special place was his apartment; it had always been something he’s been embarrassed about showing off, it was small and dingy and clearly showed off how poor he was. But, if Suguru saw, how would he see it? 

The way Suguru saw things were different; his prospective of life was finding the beauty in it. Satoru wishes he had he same prospective as Suguru; compared to his prospective, he often found the grimace or the logic. 

Suddenly remembering something— Satoru was in devastation that he had forgotten, today was the day before Christmas Eve!— the Christmas eve’s eve!! 

There should still be sometime before Suguru comes to the location, running down the streets: Satoru came across an floral shop, thankfully they were still open at such late hours. 

He pushed the shop’s doors open, getting greeting with an soft, charming ring from the bells and an employee. They worn an pale blue apron over an white dress shirt, they smile at him with an costumer service smile. 

Satoru nodded to them as he scans the bundles of flowers and foliage available at the store, he walks slowly— taking his time till he finds the perfect gift for Suguru. “Excuse me!— over here, could you help me wrap up these two?” 

The employee comes over and takes an small bundle of both flowers from it’s buckets, “these two?” Satoru nods. 

“Yes, but could you add a little bit more?” He points to the both flowers. 

At the counter where they wrapped up the bouquets, the plastic film is placed under the flowers; they smile— wondering if Satoru knew the meaning of both of these flowers in floral language? 

“Are these for someone special?” They ask as their hands remove the unnecessary foliage off of the stems.

Satoru was an embarrassed smile, scratching his cheek, “yes, an incredibly, beautiful, person— my one and only.” 

“These flowers… they’re Baby’s breathe and forget-me-not’s. Do you know they’re floral meaning in floral language?” 

“No… I don’t, enlighten me,” he smiles softly at the employee and then his eye’s falls on the time; he might be late but he’ll have an gift to give to Suguru. He’s been busy since he’s a student that’s going to enter in an internship; he wants to give Suguru something special. 

“Baby’s breath means: to have everlasting love, new beginnings, and innocence as well as purity. And Forget-me-not’s means: love and remembrance, and long lasting connections. But together they have a beautiful meaning— to cherish the time and love we share.” 

At the end of their sentence, the employee hands Satoru his bouquet and rings him up at the register— the total coming out to be around ¥12416, which was quite pricey but Satoru doesn’t mind, he save up quite a lot of money from his work lately. The extra hours at work weren’t all for nothing— thankfully, now he can show Suguru that he’s capable of paying off them both. 

The many new ideas for dates opportunities pop up in his mind; thinking of places like visiting art exhibitions or aquariums or even going out to a different city for the weekends. The majority of their dates were always limited to parks, theaters or cafes; but there’s more things and places to go to. 

Exiting the floral store, his steps are cheerily, light and had a little pop to it; it’s like he’s floating. 

Satoru arrives at the intersection where they’re supposed to meet, he sees Suguru at the other side of the street. He hides the bouquet behind him, planing to show him once he comes to him; Satoru waves to his lover— he looks gorgeous even underneath all of those bundles of clothing, an familiar set of scarf and earmuffs along with an heavy trench coat over his body. 

And he was right, Suguru’s hair was down; maybe he didn’t have time to pull it up like he normally does— it was often in a tight, and neat bun. Satoru found it adorable that he had these habits. 

When the lights turns green; Suguru ran over to Satoru, “Careful it’s cold, so the streets might have a little ice on it!!” But he doesn’t stop, his hair is bouncing up and down as he runs over to Satoru. 

But his eyes turns to the right of him; the car on the road is swerving, it should had stopped moments ago, but it isn’t— and Suguru would be in the line of where the car will hit. Satoru doesn’t think of a second, he drops the bouquet as he hushes forwards— pushing Suguru away. 

Suguru sees the flowers from his lover fall from his hands as Satoru pushes him away— the car swerved and collides with Satoru’s body; a car crash.. Suguru witness his boyfriend’s body fly in the air for a split second, his own body falling into an a couple bottles that were laying in the street’s floor. The glass bottles piercing into his calf. 

A pool of red… blood— Satoru.. Satoru’s bleeding. 

“S-Satoru..” Suguru crawls over to him, his legs are barely work— it’s limping too much to function properly. 

Move.. move… MOVE DAMN IT. Suguru’s internal screams; he’s cursing himself out.. but the sharp pain in his calf doesn’t allow him to move any faster. Any mere movement feels like his muscles are getting pulled apart from his bones. 

But he doesn’t stop— he keeps moving; he feels so close yet so far away from him, “S-Satoru.. just wait, I’m almost there, keep your eyes open!!— please, please don’t fall asleep! Please stay awake..” his words are falling short, it’s getting harder and harder to talk through his tears. 

“Suguru…” Satoru’s head is drowning in blood— he’s drowning in his own blood; arms are outstretched towards where Suguru is on the cold concrete road. 

Through his tears, it’s getting harder and harder to breathe, he’s crawling closer to him till Suguru has him in his arms, “Satoru, I’m here— I’m here now…” Suguru cradles Satoru’s head in his arms, laying his head on his lap.  

His white hair is getting drenched in red, Satoru’s bangs cover half of his face, “..S-Suguru… I’m so glad, I’m so glad your safe…” the blood is flowing out of his head too quickly for Suguru to try to prevent it from leaking anymore. 

Satoru felt Suguru’s tears dripping down from his chin to him— “don’t.. cry, please don’t cry..Suguru,” his voice is drawing weaker and weaker. “I love you.. I love you so much, Suguru..” his words trails off— his strength is wearing thin. Satoru wants to say more but can’t— you’re the greatest thing to happen to me, Suguru.. thank you for being born, thank you for existing till I got to meet you. 

“d—..don’t speak anymore, you gonna be fine, you’re going to be fine so don’t worry.” His arms are trembling as he holds Satoru, he can tell that he’s losing his body temperature— he’s getting colder and colder. It’s not from the winter cold, he’s losing his body temperature, his pulse is getting more feeble. 

Suguru dials 911, help is coming— but they’re too slow.. they need to get here now— or else, Satoru’s going to die. Breathe. I have to breath. 

Satoru’s vision is blurry— his eyelids feel heavy, ah.. I’m.. I’m going to die.. but I’m happy. 

More teardrops dribbles down onto Satoru’s face, an tear escape his own eyes from an corner; both Suguru’s tears and his collide with each other mixing into one. Satoru smiles, it’s soft and wide; it’s an smile that Suguru hates to see— it reminds him of the sad face of death.

“Don’t smile like that… please, please don’t smile like that, Satoru..!” His voice is rippling like an rock skipping through water; it’s broken and filled with pain. The way how Satoru smiled at him— was like he came to terms with death. 

“You’re not going to die.. you’re going to be fine!— just stay strong, Satoru..” as long as he keep believing that Satoru will be fine, it’s.. happen, right? “Just-! Just stay stronger, ya?” 

The minutes feel longer than it’s supposed to, and it feels like Satoru’s body is dying in his hands; he.. can feel him dying in his hands. “Where is the ambulance?!!” Suguru looks around them— he’s feeling more frantic and nervous. 

“Hhf-!” Satoru coughs. Blood escapes his lips; it’s painting his lips red. A tugging is pulling Satoru asleep, he’s trying to fight it off; but he isn’t strong enough.

An air hitches in Suguru’s lungs; “no… no..—No!!-No!- NO!! You can’t!!- you can’t, Satoru!! Y-you can’t leave me!!-Satoru.” He’s hold his lover’s hands to his chest— feeling the skin over his knuckles, it’s rough and dry. He’s gasping for oxygen, he can’t breathe, no matter how hard nor how much he tries— he can’t breath. “d-don’t you dare… don’t you dare leave me, I’m begging you, Satoru. P-please don’t leave me here alone.” 

Satoru went cold. 

12:00 AM. Christmas’ Eve. 

Satoru passed away; Suguru arrived to his apartment to collect his things for vacancy. 

The door creaked opened, the blinding light entering the empty space between Suguru and into the single-bedroom apartment. 

His eyes were drier than a desert; he could barely keep them open— it’s been puffy since his funeral. Tear-strains down his cheeks, he looks thinner than he used to be.  

Entering Satoru’s enter; he picked up his eyes as he removed his shoes— but all he wanted to do was fall asleep on the same floor that Satoru used to. The room isn’t have much— but the walls were filled to the brim. 

Suguru wanted to fall to his knees when he was it— a board filled with his and Satoru’s pictures, every single one of them had hearts-marks scribbled onto them. Off to the side was numerous post-it-notes with words on them— ‘idea dates for when I have money!’ 

He picked the board off the walls, sitting down with his back on the wall— he read. “You were such an idiot… Satoru, why did you wait for when we had money? Why?-why?- didn’t you just do them with me now?” 

Sobbing over the board— 

Satoru read the post-it’s out loud, his voice quivering as he did, “go to the outskirts of the country to see the sunset on the beach.” 

“See a meteor shower with Suguru.” 

“Go to all of the art exhibition with Suguru.”

“Go eat at an expensive, Michelin star restaurant.” 

After the four one, he stopped; he couldn’t continue— he was sobbing nonstop, his eyes are dry yet he couldn’t stop crying. 

On the beach. Suguru’s feet were bare, tucked in by the sand. 

He watched the sunset with no one by his side; there was suppose to be someone with him. 

He still reached out slightly by his side; reaching for an hand— an hand that no longer exist. 

With his mom, Suguru lingered closely behind her; they went out grocery shopping. 

He wishes he didn’t go out, staying at home was better.. 

His eyes lingered on the pavement, watching his feet move him. But when he looked up: his eyes met an intersection. He didn’t want to move; suddenly getting stiff. 

His back to the wall again, he’s dialing Satoru’s phone. 

‘—Hello, We’re sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reach this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again—!” 

The taste of melon candy no longer taste the same. 

Suguru laid on his bed, his hair was unwashed—greasy and unkept, the tips of his hair curled towards him; he almost looked like a corpse laying in a flowery casket. An empty, dead expression is plastered over his face; feeling like a corpse or maybe a zombie— barely living, yet still breathing. 

It’s been a year, yet he doesn’t feel it at all— he’s stagnant. 

Curling up under his duvets, Suguru holds his hands close to his chest and his head tucked under the covers. He’s hiding away from society, in a way he’s became an NEET. 

His internship was given away to someone else because he rejected going.. he felt too paralyzed to do anything productive. He wonders if his mother is angry with him for doing so. 

His chest feels a tugging sensation— it’s an uncomfortable tugging at his heart, it’s filled with anxiety and stress. Suguru takes in deep breathes to relieve it— but it doesn’t work. So he just screams into his pillow; he hates this, he hates this so much. 

Saliva is pouring down his mouth as he yells into his pillow, he keeps doing this till the feeling goes away. He hates it. He hates everything. 

He’s an adult and he knows he need to be mature— yet he doesn’t feel mature. The way he’s handling himself in unhealthy, and he knows it; there isn’t a single day he doesn’t know that fact, yet!— he still does it. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

Being stupid and immature; being an adult who throws tantrums like a child. That’s what he is. 

But he couldn’t help it, there’s too much going on; the guilt, the anger towards himself, the fact that if HE didn’t invite Satoru out… then he would still be alive. It was his fault, he was the one to blame; Satoru didn’t deserve to die for his sake. 

If he didn’t invite Satoru to go out, then he would still be here.. with him. 

“T-this… all my fault, Satoru.. I’m sorry I got you killed, it’s my fault, I’m so sorry,” weeping into the pillow, it’s case is getting soaked by Suguru. 

He wonders, if you saw me now— what would you think of me? 

If Suguru could, he would trade his soul for Satoru’s in a heartbeat. He doesn’t want to live anymore, he wants to die— he wants to kill himself. 

With his hands, it slowly creeped up to his neck; pressing his thumb into the dip on his throat— the pressure makes him gag. But he doesn’t stop, he keeping going, but— 

“Sugie.. I made you dinner, it’s on the  able of you want it, please.. make sure you eat, okay dear?” His mother knocks on the door of his bedroom; her voice gets muffled by the door. 

Suguru turns his head toward the door, he tears up. His mother continues to speak, “I have a night-shift today.. if you need me call okay?” 

She doesn’t hear a response but she stays there for a short moment before heading out. The door to their shared apartment closing. 

Suguru couldn’t bring himself to do it.. not in his room at least— he doesn’t want his mother to discover his corpse, not her. Looking out the window; small specks of snow falls down the skies, it’s winter. And then he looks at the date. Time was cruel; it’s been nearly one year. 

It was Satoru’s death anniversary.

An reminder. A reminder that it was his fault. Christmas’s eve, Satoru Gojo died in his arms. 

It’s like a sharp blade sliding up his mind— an tigger  to his brain—IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. 

It repeats in his mind, his head in pounding, his heart beating in his stomach. 

Before he knew it, Suguru found himself out on the apartment’s building rooftop— on the ledge. On an eleven stories high building, he looks down below, the tips of his feet teetering off the ledge. 

He can’t do it anymore. He had enough of living.

The night is dark but lit— the surrounding Christmas lights shined with reds, whites, greens, and blues. His breathe hitched, a tear drops, snow raining down on him— it lands on his shoulders. 

Today’s beautiful— a dark, snowy night that makes anyone feel warm on the inside from the Christmas music and lights. It’s picturesque, it’s likes the stars had landed on earth. 

But Suguru doesn’t see it as such, an another painful reminder. Tears are blurring his vision and now all he can see are blinding, colorful light. 

Arms outstretched by his side, he fell. Cold air engulfs all around him, hair flowing in the wind. Suguru could hear the wind flowing past him, his limbs shaking, everything around him feels slowed down as he spins in the air. 

Suguru smiles; it’s painful, and somehow instead of him falling, it feels like the world around him is falling. 

The buildings look beautiful from this angle, his body is inching closer and closer to the ground due to gravity. It’s like the everything around him is engulfing him. “It’s… beautiful.” 

THUD!!- 

Suguru lands on the rooftop of an car, his blood is flowing from the place of impact his back, and neck— which somehow, even from an eleven story building, Suguru is still breathing, a living-being still existing in this place called earth. He closes his eyes, curious why he didn’t die from the impact. 

More blood is rushing out of his body, maybe… there was an guardian angels looking after me? I hope they tell Satoru, I’m coming soon to join him, I had enough. 

Opening his eyes again, the snow is falling over his dying corpse. The night’s skies looks black from here, but small white dust of snow spawns down. Closing his eyes again, he’s feeling tired, his eyes been dry. 

Suguru allows himself to sleep. His body is losing warmth, his body temperature fleeing from his body as the cold eats him alive. Limbs feeling weaker, breathing slowing. 

He can finally leave this earth. 

But instead when he opens his eyes again— Suguru sees his own body— it’s laying on a car roof, it dents from the impact of his body. And then his body quickly gets shuffled to an ambulance. 

Suguru could see his own body. He’s should be dead!- but he see’s his body still breathing. His soul should be greeted by the grime reaper!- or the gates of heaven and hell! Not this!— not earth! Not the place where morals roam. 

His soul has been separated from his body, and he’s floating over his own ‘should-be-dead- body.’ And the suddenly realization that he should be died but isn’t, hits him like a train— he must be dreaming, this isn’t real to him. 

In the back of his throat, he tastes a burnt sugar with an unpleasant aftertaste of bitterness. 

When the ambulance arrives to the nearest hospital, Suguru realized what he had truly done— but there was no going back, this was the fate he set himself up for. When the paramedics pulls his body, Suguru sees his mother. 

Her eyes dilated, her stiffen body and a broken heart shattering more than it can handle; Kenjaku tries to not break down right then and there, but she fails. “….my baby, oh… MY BABY,” her woeful words surprises everyone in the hospital; this was her child in front of her. Dying, Suguru’s body was dying in front of her. 

Kenjaku dips her hands against his face, “my baby!!!- my baby!!” 

And Suguru watches from the sidelines, he watches his mother by her side as she holds him in her hand. His cold, dying body in her hands as Suguru’s soul is standing next to her, “….I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’ll be leaving you behind,” his eyes a wells up with salty tears.

“Get the doctor!!— please someone get the doctor!! My baby, my baby is dying..” 

Suguru turns around, he doesn’t want to keep watching; the guilt inside emulsifies too much for him to handle, in truth—he’s a coward. He’s running away from something he caused to happen. 

In the corner of his eyes, he sees an white tuff of hair. “Satoru?” 

Suguru follows, passing through people, going around corners till he sees a door. It looks out of place, it’s door doesn’t resemble an door fit for an hospital but a house— it’s white wooden panels going up and down, something about this door felt different and not just the way it looks; more like it’s aura. 

There something temping Suguru to open it, his hands wrap around it’s golden handle. When he slowly opens the door, the inside is blinding bright; leaves are sprouting from the sides of the door frame.  

When closing the door. Suguru was brought to an different place that doesn’t exist on earth. 

“Suguru?…” 

“Satoru?…” 

The two lovers are reunited again.

Suguru’s hands still on the door’s handle when he closed it; his hands are feeling crammed and sweating, like cold water pouring on top of him. “What are you doing here?” They both speak simultaneously. 

The place where Suguru stands, he see a field of flowers, tall blades of grass and pampas grass— it feels familiar, especially the flowers— it’s the same flowers Satoru gifted him. The grass is without the normal color of greens and is instead replaced with an hue of pale green and blues— turquoise almost. 

A far he can see an ocean on over the horizon; a beach— it’s sand is white, there’s slow, moving waves— it’s calming to gaze upon.  

But strangely enough, he sees snow. 

Tiny, small, specs of snowflakes. It’s too little to build a sheet of snow, so when it lands on the surface— it melts. 

It’s a strange place; it’s like a place where seasons collide. Where spring comes to bloom when winter melts. Where Summer starts to chill when autumn comes to sing. 

Before Suguru could open his mouth again, Satoru takes off running, “S-Satoru!!— wait! Please wait!” Don’t!- please don’t go!!

He follows Satoru, his shoulders are broad and wide as he remembers, his face and eyes were just as kind and gentle as he recalls. Yet there’s something different about him, Suguru could feel it. “Satoru! Please stop!” 

“Stop following me!— go back!!” Satoru doesn’t turn back when he says this, but Suguru knows that he’d biting the inner of his mouth when he does. 

Lunging forward, Suguru tackles Satoru to the ground— the pale, blue grass underneath them crunches. Suguru’s black strands of hair falls on Satoru’s face, “w-why?—why are you running away from me, Satoru?..” his voices dips as he finally has Satoru in his arms again. His mouth is getting saltier as the tears starts to flow again. His nose tingles with tears and sadness.

Satoru’s white hair covers his eyes like a curtain. But when Suguru’s tears falls on his cheeks, he speaks again, “why are you here, Suguru?” 

His nose crinkles, “what do you mean, where am I? Where even is this place?” 

Satoru’s hands cupped Suguru’s face; Suguru leans into them. When Satoru sits up, Suguru in sitting in front of him. “It’s the summit. And place that you shouldn’t be,” he looks down at Suguru’s hands; it’s thinner than he last held them. 

Suguru watches Satoru look down at his hands, slowly retracting them away, “then, what about you?” 

“P-please.. don’t tell me.. you killed yourself to be here?..” Satoru bites the bottom of his lips as he asks, he looks at Suguru with worried and dejected face— he’s sobbing. “… the summit, this place!- is the place where the dead come… so please don’t tell me.. did you?” 

Dropping his head, Suguru looks away in guilt. He feels Satoru’s hands around his shoulder, “why?.. tell me why?” He’s desperate for answers. Hands are trembling from weakness, fingers slightly digging into Suguru’s skin. 

He winces for a moment. “Suguru.. please answer me.” 

“.. it was an attempt.. my body still might be alive, though it’s dying. I don’t know what’s going on, all I know is that my soul and body are separated.” 

Satoru’s hands are pushing him away, “go back!!- please Suguru!- you have to go back!” 

“No- I don’t want to, and I won’t. I’m not going back, it was my decision to choose!- and I choose you, Satoru.. I just wanted to be with you again, I missed you.” The painful memories of missing him for an entire year; each day was like hell. “If I don’t have you next to me, I don’t have a meaning to live, Satoru.”

“You were my world, Satoru. And if you aren’t there— then it’s not  an world that I want to live in,” Suguru removes Satoru’s hands that were pushing him away, and hugs him instead, “ so please.. I’m begging you!— please don’t push me away, I need you.” 

Satoru’s collarbone is growing wet and damp from tears but so is his face, it’s getting hard to breath— sobbing, shaking and weak. They held onto each other, his hands carcasses Suguru’s back. He looked up, the snowflakes were visible and falling on his face.

He’s weak to Suguru, as is Suguru- he was weak to Satoru. After crying it out, their tears finally ran dry— they calmed down; Satoru takes Suguru’s hands, “they’re thin..” 

Suguru doesn’t answer, his eyes are casted down; Satoru rubs over the thin knuckles and the nubs of the joints. Satoru is feeling his lover’s hands again. 

“You’re hands are no longer rough, I’m glad..” Suguru says— his voice is somber as the wind carries flower petals and then feels an smooch on the back of his hands— Satoru kissed his hands, it’s chaste and it makes him feel like an maiden. 

Blues eyes meets purple, Satoru takes a loose strand of Suguru’s hair, tucking it back behind his ear— his fingers were gentle as he held the hair back. “I don’t like it, Suguru. I don’t like that fact that your hands had became so thin.” He says it in the most caring way possible, he doesn’t enjoy seeing Suguru thin. 

Suguru felt Satoru’s hands traced the back of his ears, he stared intensely into his eyes, but it staggered, “…” Suguru knows he need to speak but he doesn’t know what to say. 

Satoru see the unease on his face, he rubs the rims of Suguru’s ears— “..please don’t be sad, my dear.” 

“Suguru?— look at me, please? Please baby?” Satoru is begging, begging for Suguru to response to him.

Suguru’s eyes still are turned down and away; with Satoru’s hands still on his face— he tries to pull away,  but he missed this feeling. This comfort that it brought him. 

Satoru brings his face to his— forcing his to meet his eyes. “Can I cheer you up?” 

“But everything was my fault, Satoru. I-if I didn’t invite you out.. then you would still be alive, it’s all my fault.” 

Satoru takes Suguru’s hands, “please don’t keep saying that, it’s not your fault. It was never your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Thumbing over Suguru’s tearful eyes, Satoru smiles, “let me cheer you up, okay?” 

“..okay.” 

“Close your eyes and count to ten slowly,” Satoru tells Suguru, the other obliges. 

“One.. two..,” Suguru starts with his eyes closed shut, “three…four..” 

Satoru takes Suguru’s arms and places them around his waist, “hold onto me tightly, okay?” 

“Okay..” suguru holds onto Satoru tightly, “five… six,” his feet is slowly hovering above ground. “S-Satoru?.. I can’t feel the ground anymore!” 

“Keep you eyes close!— trust me, do you trust me?” 

“Ya.. I trust you.” 

Satoru’s glad, he looks up— “seven… eight.. nine…” 

“And ten,” they both said in sync, “open your eyes, Suguru!” 

Suguru does— and when he opens his eyes, he sees that they’re floating. They’re flying! His eyes turns to Satoru, he’s the one flying them both; behind Satoru is an pair of long, giant, wide wings. 

Large, white wings that soars the two of them through the skies— “beautiful? Isn’t it?” Satoru ask, his arm are warm against Suguru’s. 

“It’s the prettiest thing I ever seen,” Suguru cups Satoru’s face— closing his eyes as he pulls him closer, pinning their foreheads together. “Truly, the prettiest I even seen.”

Satoru swings themselves around, flying in hoops, “ Suguru— you’re the best to happen to me!” 

“Satoru— me too.” He feels Satoru flapping his wings; taking them to higher heights till their at the top of the cloudscape. Beyond the clouds are simply more clouds of whites, the skies are all different shades of blue and purple; this place is filled with mystery. 

There’s little details that don’t make any senses but it’s comforting, it’s an place where only Satoru and Suguru are for in this present moment. 

Satoru flips Suguru in his arms, carrying him in bridal fashion, “Suguru.. look at the clouds,” his voice is clear, calm and lovely. 

Doing as he says, Suguru looks at the clouds— when looking upon them, it’s like the clouds held the stars; it’s slightly glittering. 

“Satoru.. please let me stay here with you,” Suguru tells Satoru, he’s asking— he looks into those enchanting blue eyes, looking for an answer before looking down. 

Satoru’s voices falters, “y-your still have so much to live for… other then me, you need to keep living.” 

“Not without you, Satoru.”

“Darling… you’ll learn to be okay without me, please- my love. You need to go home,” Satoru’s voice cracks in weakness— it’s quivering. 

“But.. you are my home,” suguru’s hands are tight around Satoru’s chest; he’s begging to stay. He knows that he’s putting Satoru in a difficult situation, hint he doesn’t want to leave, he wants to be with Satoru. 

Suguru feels Satoru taking his face, cupping his jaw as he gives Suguru an chaste kiss, “you’ll be fine without me, trust me— I know you can heal. So smile, ear to ear smile for me, Suguru.”

Suguru tries to make out an word, but he can’t because before he could, Satoru starts diving them down— moving lighting speed, their falling. Before they hit the water, Satoru flies them to shore; finally landing, Suguru speaks, “how?… how am I supposed to move on?- just because the rest of the world did, doesn’t me, I can… for one entire year I been stuck and paralyzed in time.” 

Bare feet are touching fervent sand, Satoru kneels down; kissing the knuckles of Suguru’s hand, “it will be hard, the hardest thing in your life— but you will be okay, do you trust me?”

“I trust you.” 

“Then believe me when I tell you, you will see an better tomorrow. I can promise you will grow stronger than before, you will miss me, but I will always be here— watching over you. So don’t worry, don’t feel sad, don’t feel guilty.” 

Suguru collapsed onto his knees, tears are racing once again like an waterfall, but Satoru continues as he wipes away Suguru’s tears, “One day, you will learn to live the world without me, so smile. Smile for me— from ear to ear, smile.” 

Satoru smiled at him— it’s the last thing he sees when he blinks. 

Beep!… Beep!.. Beep!— the sounds are his heartbeats are being tracked by the heart monitor. 

Suguru blinks— he sees white tiled ceiling, where.. am I? 

And why, does it feel like I just woke up from a long dream?…

“Ugh!—“ Suguru groans as he sits up— his sides hurts, looking around the room, on his bedside was his mother. Her hair’s out of places and messy, he blinks again in a daze. 

But an tears comes out, why?— why.. am I crying? 

Wet tears rolls down his cheeks, “why can’t I stop crying..?” 

His finger are shaking as his teardrops lands on the palm of his hands. 

 Kenjaku awakes, her eyes are in shock— she moves closer; her movements are stiff, “Sugie.. Sugie!!— y-you’re awake.” 

She hugs him, embracing each other in their arms, “…mom.” 

At that moment, there’s a nurse, who was passing through for routine checkups, spots Suguru awake— it’s been five months since he was admitted. For five month, Suguru’s been a coma patient— and today, he wakes up. 

The nurse calls out to her other staff members, “Get the doctor!— patient 1224 is awake!!” 

His fingers follow the engraving on the tombstone, ‘Gojo Satoru.’ 

It’s the second Christmas Eve since Satoru died, Suguru’s at his gravestone— wiping it down with water, washing away the ice and snow from the winter. He looks at the name kindly, eyes are soft and affectionate. 

Suguru puts down a bouquet of flower— baby’s breath and forget-me-nots. “Satoru, I’m here to share some good news today..” 

“I finished my degree, and I got an offer overseas— it’s a good job.”

“My mother has been doing better, she doesn’t overwork herself anymore— more open to her feelings too.” He had an genuine smile on his face.

Suguru’s breath staggers— an foggy, visible breath appears when he exhales, “each passing day, I miss you more and more, but I know you’re still there— watching over me, I know that you would tell me to smile.”

“But I wish you could see me now, I wish I could know what you thought of me now— of how big and strong I became now.” 

“I love you. Satoru, my lovable idiot.”

When Suguru was done with his monologue,  he dusted off the snow on his coat, waving goodbye, “until next time.” 

As he walked away; the winds blows— shifting the arrangement of the flowers. An transparent figure with white hair and blue eyes appeared on top of the gravestone, “until next time, my adorable fool—

I love you, Suguru Geto.”