Work Text:
An Honor to Date Me
I sat on the bus, scrolling through my phone. When we stopped, I glanced up to double check it wasn’t my stop.
“Excuse me. Is that seat taken?” A woman with a scarf wrapped around her head and sunglasses covering her eyes pointed at the spot next to me.
I shook my head. “Be my guest.”
She sat down and let out a heavy sigh.
“You good?” I lowered my phone and waited for her to reply.
“Oh. Um. I, yeah, I’m good.” She adjusted her sunglasses. Her posture stayed rigid, proper.
I nodded and lifted my phone again.
“Actually, no. I’m not okay. this is going to sound crazy. But. Could I come with you? Wherever you’re going is fine with me. I-I just need some company and to be somewhere no one can find me.”
I frowned and looked at her more closely. “Uh, sure. I know a bookshop nearby. You good with that?”
“Yes, that’s perfect.” She glanced around. There were a lot of people, sitting around us, and standing in front of us. “Don’t say anything else right now. Just to be safe.”
My eyes narrowed. “Are you a spy or something?”
She laughed lightly. “No, I’ll talk more once we’re elsewhere. Wait, are you a journalist?”
I frowned and shook my head. “Nope. I work in a boring office. What do you do?”
She smiled and put a finger to her lips. “Maybe I am a spy.”
I laughed. “Okay.”
When the bus stopped, I pointed and said, “Let’s go.”
She followed me off the bus without a word, clutching her scarf tightly around her face.
We walked down the street. She eyed the shops like she’d never been here before. I frowned but stayed quiet, observing her.
Once we were in the bookstore, I turned to her. “So, who are you?”
Her mouth dropped open.
“What?” I shrugged. “Am I not allowed to ask? Or what? Am I supposed to know you?”
She removed her sunglasses and looked at me. “You don’t recognize me?”
I stared at her. “Oh. You’re…one of the princesses, right?”
She shushed me and nodded. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I’m actually…not from here. You’re which one?”
“I’m Agatha.” She held out her hand.
“Rio.” I shook her hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“So, what are you doing here? Why did you ask me to bring you somewhere like this?” I said, while I took her in more than I’d done before. I realized then that her clothes were normal clothes, not the clothes her family usually paraded around in.
“I’m running away.”
I laughed and then covered my mouth. “Sorry. What? You’re, like, what? Thirty? You’re running away? Can adults even run away?”
“Yes.” She shook her head and sighed. She put her sunglasses back on. “I’m running away from my engagement, my responsibilities, everything.”
“Your engagement?”
“Yeah, I was supposed to marry this prince. I don’t want to get into it. I don’t want to marry this prince and go live in some other country. I don’t want to be royal, let alone royalty for wherever.” She waved her hand and grumbled something under her breath.
I blinked several times. “I…um, I’m sorry. That really sucks. So…I-I should probably head out. I have some stuff to take care of at home.”
“Can I come with you?” She looked at me, her hands clasped together in front of her as if she was begging.
I raised my eyebrows. “Really? How do you know I’m not a murderer or something?”
She shook her head. “Murder would be a great alternative to this stupid marriage, trust me.”
I stared at her, unsure what to say. “Um, sure. I guess? Come on, let’s go then.”
Unlocking the front door, I flicked on the light to the living room and gestured to the couch. “Make yourself at home, I guess.”
“Thank you.” She looked around the room, and I wondered what she thought of the photos over the fireplace, the little Christmas tree on the end table next to the bookshelf, and the paintings on the walls.
“Did you paint those?” She pointed to the wall art.
“No. Got them at a secondhand shop.” I flipped through the stack of mail before moving into the kitchen. I turned on the oven so it could preheat while I went to change into something more comfortable.
Once I was in sweats and a hoodie, I grabbed a frozen pizza and slid it into the oven. I looked at her and frowned.
“Um, I’m making frozen pizza for dinner. Is that…are you hungry?” I eyed my meager pantry options. “I can make soup if you’d prefer?”
She shook her head. “Pizza is great.”
“Okay, good.” I was relieved I didn’t have to waste my other groceries on her.
“I’ll pay you for what I eat of the pizza.” She pulled out her phone. “What’s your number? I can send you money now?”
I stared. “Oh. Um.”
She looked at me and her head tilted to the side. “I can pay after we eat?”
I nodded. “Oh, sure. That’s better probably.”
She put her phone away and settled back on to the couch, letting go of her proper posture. She shut her eyes.
“I’m sorry. Are you staying here tonight? What’s your plan?” I rubbed my temples. “I feel like I’m hallucinating.”
She sighed. “I don’t have a plan. I can get a hotel, but I worry they’ll track me down if I use money. I—could I stay here?”
“Am I going to go to jail if they find you here?” I kept my eyes shut for a moment. “Also, why me?”
“You seemed normal and were nice to me when I asked to sit with you.” She shrugged.
“Oh. Okay. Sure, sure. That makes sense.” I shrugged. “You didn’t answer my question, though. Will I go to jail or whatever?”
“No. I wouldn’t let that happen.” She shook her head and stood up, stretching and slowly pacing in front of the couch.
“No offense, but you don’t have a say over who you marry, how do I know you would have a say over me getting arrested?” I rubbed my arms, and the timer for the pizza beeped.
“Right.” She tapped her finger to her lips. “That settles it. I’ll stay here tonight, but tomorrow, we go on the run.”
“We?” I nearly cut my hand with the pizza cutter. “Tomorrow is Sunday. I work Monday. I can’t go…wherever you are wanting to go?”
“Right.” She stared at me. “Quit your job and I’ll pay you to be my…friend?”
Blinking at her several times, I stayed quiet before looking around. I eyed the walls, the vases of flowers, the wall clock.
“What are you doing?” she said, following my gaze to each item.
“Am I on some sort of prank show? Is someone pulling a joke?” I left the kitchen and walked up to her. I pulled her sunglasses and scarf away from her face gently and ran my hand through her hair, gently pulling on it. “Is this a wig?”
She tried to back away, but I stayed with her, slowly moving my hands around on her face. “Is this a mask or a really high-end prosthetic?”
She pushed my hands away. “Stop it. Are you crazy after all?”
“No. Are you?” I eyed her shirt. “You wearing a mic or wire or something?”
I patted her down. She knocked my hands away, laughing.
“Stop it,” she said. “I’m Agatha Harkness. I am who I say I am.”
I moved away from her, still looking her over.
“Hm, so you are…sorry for…all of that,” I said, motioning to her.
“Right. Well. What do you say?”
“Um, no.” I laughed. “I can’t just uproot my life because you need some sort of…normal person tour guide?”
There was a sharp knock on my door. We both jumped.
“Are you expecting company?” She moved toward the window, eyeing the fire escape.
“What? No. I wasn’t. My plans literally included making pizza and watching a movie.”
“That’s what you needed to take care of at home?” She stared, bewildered.
“What? It’s Saturday. I ran my errands, now it’s time for me to relax. I wasn’t going to take you all around the city. It sounded exhausting.”
The loud knock happened again.
I sighed and trudged to the door. I cracked it, keeping the chain lock in place.
“Hello?” I said, trying to look and act normal as I stared at two men in black suits and one in a decorated royal’s get up. “Can I help you?”
“We are here to retrieve a lost cell phone. We believe you have a piece of technology that belongs to someone we are invested in,” the first man in a suit said, flashing a badge.
“Oh, what?” I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Please let us enter to locate and retrieve the device.” The second suit flashed his badge.
Mr. Fancy Pants spoke next. “I believe my daughter’s phone is in here.”
I shut the door and locked the deadbolt.
“What do I tell them?” I turned to face her.
She was halfway out the window on to the fire escape.
I hurried over and grabbed her arm. “Hey! No. You aren’t bailing. I’ll get arrested for being a thief or something!”
The loud knock sent a jolt through me.
She shut her eyes and came back inside. She let out a deep breath and nodded. “Follow my lead. Just go with anything I say, got it?”
I frowned but said, “Okay.”
She walked over and threw open the door. “Hello.”
“Agatha.” Her dad sounded like he was talking to a skittish animal. “Come home with us, okay?”
“No. I will not.” She grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to her side. “I’m not marrying Prince Arnold. I’m in love with Rio, and I will not give her up.”
My eyes went wide. I waved at them, ducking my head a little. I looked down at the ground to avoid whatever this was.
“Miss Rio, is this true?” the king said.
Agatha squeezed my waist in a gentle way that felt like she was trying to send a plea through her fingertips.
“Um, hello, sir…yes, it is?” I felt the sweat roll down my back, lying to the king, stealing the princess or rather maybe being abducted by the princess? I didn’t know what my official crimes would be, but I imagined being locked away in a dungeon somewhere in that castle instead of placed in the normal correctional facilities.
“Well.” He sighed. “How come we’ve never clocked your location at this building before, Agatha?”
“I usually turn off my phone when I sneak over here. I forgot to do that this time, obviously,” she said. She rolled her eyes like she wasn’t making it up on the spot.
“How long have you been seeing each other? How have you been communicating?” He asked the questions as if he regularly had to interrogate his daughter for convincing lies.
“Two and a half years. We use different secure messaging apps and regularly delete our accounts and message threads within those apps. We use disappearing messages. Would you like me to describe what our messaging sometimes looks like in the middle of the night?”
My face reddened. I swallowed. “Agatha. We, um we don’t need to tell them those details, please.”
“Right.” She nodded. “You see? We’re in love. I won’t marry Arnold.”
Her father sighed and nodded to the two men with him. “Very well. We can draw up an agreement…you can live with her and have a stipend, and we will make sure you have a small inheritance, but you will lose your title.”
“Very well. As long as I can be with my love, and I don’t have to marry Arnold, I’m happy to do that.” She tightened her arm around me.
Was I being bound to the princess? What was happening?
Her father stared at her long and hard, and she stared back without so much as flinching. I watched, waiting for one of them to say something.
“I’ll see you home by next Monday, do you understand? I can buy you a week to sort yourself out, but you’ll marry him, you hear me?”
“Oh, you think I’m lying? You think I only just met this woman on a bus ride?” Agatha scoffed. She twisted to face me, grabbing my face and kissing me deeply. I put my hands on her waist and kissed back, afraid for whatever she might say or do if I didn’t go along with whatever this was.
She pulled away and stared at him. Her arm was around my waist again. I stood, dazed, trying to keep up with what was happening. I realized I must be dead. That was it. I was dead, and this was some sort of strange, personal hell. Except I wasn’t sure what part was hell yet. Feeling like I was being pranked was hell. Maybe it would ramp up into something much more intense later? Maybe it was a psychological hell?
Their staring contest continued for a moment longer. Finally, her father sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Have a happy life with this woman, Agatha. I’ll see you next Monday, you hear me?” He turned to leave, the two men in suits accompanying him.
She shut the door to my apartment, locked the deadbolt, and placed the chain lock back in its place. She huffed and let go of me.
“Sorry about that,” she said. “I should have asked if kissing was okay before just going for it like that.”
I touched my lips. “Oh, um, yeah, I would have appreciated some sort of warning or choice in the matter. But…you are a good kisser.”
She laughed. “Thank you. You’re the first woman I’ve ever kissed. Nice to have some feedback I can trust.”
My hand fell away from my lips. I headed over to grab the now cold pizza. I dropped a couple slices on to a plate and threw them in the microwave. I sat down on the couch and started eating.
“Feel free to help yourself.” I nodded in the direction of the kitchen.
She grabbed some pizza and warmed it back up before joining me on the couch. “Can I stay here until next Monday?”
I choked on my bite of food. Once I stopped coughing, I set my plate down and said, “What?”
“I-I’ll have to go home and marry that stupid prince next Monday, but until then, can I stay here with you, please? I’ll pay you rent or something?”
I sighed. “Fine. But can I ask you what was all that?”
She shrugged. “I figured maybe if I said I had a girlfriend who I was madly in love with, he might not make me marry the prince.”
I eyed her. “You’re very pretty. But it sounds pretty unlikely they’d be okay with us dating.”
She laughed. “No, he said all I’d lose was the big portion of money and my title. That’s it.”
“Isn’t that…everything?” I raised an eyebrow. “What else are you if not your title and money?”
“I can do plenty of things without those,” she said. “He didn’t say I wouldn’t be able to help with the charities or other activities I’m involved with.”
“I don’t know. I doubt he’d be cool with it.” I shrugged and went back to my food.
She stared at me for a moment; I could feel her gaze even though I was focused on my plate.
“I feel like I should be offended that you aren’t interested in dating me.” She laughed and grabbed her plate of food from the coffee table.
I shrugged. “I didn’t say I wasn’t interested in dating you. I just said they wouldn’t be cool about it. Have you ever seen any gay royalty?”
She sighed. “You have a point, I suppose.”
“You suppose?” I smirked.
“It would be an honor to date me,” she said, laughing.
“I’m sure it would. You seem…very headstrong.” I wiped my mouth and took a sip of water, trying to navigate how I’d handle the next week with her here.