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Dear stardust,
I’m not yet sure how this letter will find you, or even if it will. You may be one of Vaugarde’s saviors, but you and your companions sure aren’t easy to find! You must be enjoying your travels, I’m glad~!
…And, maybe I wouldn’t mind hearing about it sometime. I know what I said before, but…
[The next sentence is scribbled out and illegible.]
Anyway, enough about you, stardust! I’m sure you’re dying to know how your lovely once-helpful Loop has been doing all this time~! Well, worry not! I’ve been doing well for myself, actually. I’m still in Dormont, mostly. Taking the time to gather my bearings, decide where I want to go, what I want to do. I’ve never had the chance to live outside the loops, so I’m still getting used to it all. Each day being new, actions having lasting consequences… I broke a branch off the Favor Tree once, and was almost surprised to see it still gone the next day. It’s… frightening to think about.
I try to stay out of sight, but I haven’t been able to avoid run-ins with some of Dormont’s townsfolk. The Big Boulanger caught me hiding in the trees once, and he offered me a croissant. (He wasn’t lying, they really are delicious!) Since then, he makes an effort to find me and say hello every now and then. I wouldn’t call us friends, but… I enjoy the company. He’ll go on about all sorts of things. His business, his daughter, the town’s gossip, the saviors of Vaugarde… I think he knows I had something to do with your group. Whenever he talks about you for too long, he gives me a weird look before changing the subject.
I haven’t told anyone what really happened, of course! You and I are the only ones who know! Who I really am, where I came from, or my connection to you, it’s all a total mystery~! Even I don’t have the full picture yet!
…I still remember it so clearly. Trying again and again, like beating my head against the House’s walls. Living, dying, living, dying, over and over until neither of those words meant anything. It was the only life I knew. I’d actually forgotten how it all began. And when I tried to look back, to remember those first few loops or the days before them… it felt like watching somebody else entirely. Like hearing a tale recounted secondhand, the details lost between retellings. Seeing you experience it again for the first time helped to jog my memory, but that barrier remained. Those memories never felt like me .
And it wasn’t just that, either. Looking back, there’s a gradual shift in the rightness of my memories. A point before which none of them feel right, a point after which they all feel right, and an in-between. There, some memories feel as distant and dreamlike as the stars, while others are… not exactly clear, as the loops all felt the same by the end, but more focused. More real.
I think seeing the King defeat you for the first time made me realize where that clarity began. Siffrin had died to him a few times at that point, but it wasn’t the number that mattered. Somehow, he had the misfortune of dying last this time. The Kid got away, but the Fighter, the Researcher, the Housemaiden… I’m lucky that my memory of that moment is as hazy as it is.
After that was… I guess you could call it my first loop. It was disorienting, but not too different from the others. And from then on, more and more of the loops started to feel less like Siffrin, and more like me. Until by the end, I was all that was left. The truth is, Siffrin gave up long before I did. They didn’t scream, or cry, or yell. One day, he just touched a tear and… never woke up.
Left to my own devices, I tried my best to fill your role. I went through all the same motions, I read the same script, told the same jokes. Every loop, I would always eat those malanga fritters that Bonnie made for you, because I knew they were your favorite, and I had to be you. If I wasn’t you, then who was I? Surely not somebody who would rather have a sweet palmier every now and then, right? I went through all the same motions that you did, time and time again, and every time I found the same result. Death, at the hands of the King.
I never told you, did I? The one time I did defeat the King, it was because I finally quit the charade. I slipped off the mask, let them all see what I really was. And then, your party… they barely hesitated before asking what was wrong. Doing everything they could to help me. Holding my hand, giving me something to eat, letting me know that I could tell them anything. They… cared about me. That was how, when you were on the brink of giving up on your wish, I knew they would be able to save you. Because they nearly saved me, back then.
When we fought the King again, your memories became sharper for a moment. Clearer. Their names flooded back, and for a moment I thought I would finally see you again. I dealt the final blow, and… you already know what happened next. Everything became a blur once more, and in that moment I finally yielded. It was too much to go on.
I got to see you again, just not the way I had hoped. Relegated to a supporting role. I hated it, at first. But as the loops went on and on, a part of me was so relieved to be somebody else. No more telling Siffrin’s story over and over. I could simply be… me. But how could I accept that? After spending hundreds, if not thousands of loops, playing your part? So in the end, after you won, I tried one last time to cling to the person I was. I tried so hard to be you, and it nearly killed me, stardust.
But now, it’s over. There’s no script to follow, no lines to read. I don’t know where the Universe will take me, but I’ll follow its lead as myself. Whoever that is.
I’m not sure how to end this letter. For the longest time, I never thought anything would end. I thought nothing would change. And, before I became your helpful Loop, I thought I had lost you forever. But then I found you again, when you needed me most, and… I suppose I needed you too, didn’t I? In a way, I think we’re almost incomplete without each other. Like two sides of a coin…
Oh, that’s right! I still need to return your coin! Don’t worry, we’ll definitely meet again. What good is finding myself if I can’t see my dear stardust every now and then~? Have fun traveling with your party in the meantime, and send them my best wishes. I’m confident the Universe will bring us together soon enough.
See you soon!
Loop