Chapter Text
At first, I thought these moments would last forever. Me, you, and our song together. Dancing all day, laughing out loud.
It was a normal Friday night. I was walking home with my umbrella and my headphones on. Listening to my own track to check if it’s okay to submit it to the client. I walked to the subway station on time as every other working day.
Walking home is one of my hobbies. Especially since it was raining, I could really listen to the music through my headphones. It’s like the rain sound blocked all unnecessary noise. Also, after hours of working and sitting in the studio, a stretch is a must.
I like heading out and going home at roughly the same time. It might sound odd coming from a person working in the music industry to always stick to a routine. Yet, being on time brings a small feeling of accomplishment to balance out the stress from work.
Back in my school days, I used to hate repetitive things. But growing up taught me a lot of things: getting used to a routine, how a happy tune can sound very sad, and how a best friend can turn into a stranger.
Going down the subway station stairs, I immediately sensed the crowded atmosphere. The station was filled with people everywhere, chatting, and moving around. I could feel the buzz, like a swarm of bees flocking together.
I don’t really enjoy crowded places. The swarm of people made me feel lost, like a child separated from their parents.
I tried to make my way through the mass while clutching my bag. My steps slowed down when I heard people keep squealing and laughing. Curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself drawn to the center of that crowd.
Just like how they portrayed it in movies, a gush of emotions and nostalgia hits me, even though I was only looking at an idol’s birthday banner in the subway station. My ears started to ring. The Pandora’s box of past moments I’d rather forget opened apart. Letting a flood of unsettling memories begin to flicker in my thoughts, memories that I’d tried so hard to lock away.
It was summer, 2001. I was 5 years old when my parents decided to move to Korea. My English dad happily followed my Korean mom to move back to her home country and even though I was really sad parting with my friends, I moved back with them. Loneliness was my only emotion back then. All of my friends are all in England, and I can’t even speak Korean fluently.
Because of my age, I need to wait until next year to apply for grade school. So my parents put me in a daycare center when they go to work. The teachers were fine, but the kids there alienated me like there was no tomorrow. Just because my hair is not as black, and my facial features don’t look very ‘Asian’.
Just after my introduction, I tried to approach some kids. I mustered up my courage to ask if I could play with them. I could see them hesitating. I was about to withdraw my question when they unexpectedly said I could play with them. Feeling very happy, I started to sit with them on the carpet. Then they started to change their sitting position.
“Since you’re new, you do the maid role!”, said one girl with a red ribbon.
Everyone else seemed very confused at first but decided to agree with the girl. Seems like she’s the boss.
Because I agreed to play the maid role with them, the girls kept asking me to do many roles. One day it was a cleaning service lady, another day it was an alien, and some other day it would be a homeless character. I did many roles, but I was always either the antagonist or the one without money. Whilst the other girls’ characters would be the daughter of a CEO, a princess, or even a magical girl.
One day, I asked them if I could be the princess this time. They said that I couldn’t be the princess because I didn’t look like one. They said my parents came to South Korea because they couldn’t afford to live in England since it was more expensive. Of course that ticked me off. It’s not true. We didn’t move because we were poor. I tried to explain it to them, but they only believed what they wanted to believe.
After that incident, they assumed I didn’t want to play with them anymore since I didn’t want to do the roles they asked for. So the girls started to ignore me.
A few days passed by being a loner, and there was a new kid in the daycare. I remember the very first day he came to our class. He was wearing jeans overall, a white t-shirt, and a hat with a tiger face on the front. When the teacher told him to introduce himself in front of the class, I could tell he was nervous and shy because he didn’t let go of the teacher’s hand.
His mom is looking at him from outside through the window. Anyone could tell she was also nervous. He also kept glancing at her mom as if signaling asking for help.
*So cute*, I thought.
Being nervous and not able to introduce himself properly didn’t hinder him from getting so popular. Even as a child, he has a very strong presence. Every other kid would come to him, ask him to join them to play, and even share their afternoon snack. And I would always hear his name being called every day, Soonyoung.
One time, when I was reading a book alone in my seat, three boys came. Their mischievous grins and smug expressions were impossible to miss as they confidently stood in front of me. Despite their various attempts to catch my attention, I remained silent, refusing to acknowledge their presence.
“Hey alien! Why are you not answering?”, said the one in the middle.
“Maybe she can’t speak”, said the other.
“She only speaks an alien language”, said the shortest one, “I heard she talks to her parents in an alien language”
It’s english you idiot.
I continued to ignore them. If I ignore them, they will find it not fun and go like usual. But the unexpected happened.
“Don’t do that, Sena doesn’t like it”
He said my name. Soonyoung said my name. I was more surprised by the fact that he knew my name. I looked at him, or to be more specific, I stared at him in surprise and confusion. It seems that the three boys don’t like being “wronged” because they turned their attention to Soonyoung. They started ganging up on him.
“You don’t know anything! She’s our plaything!”
“Wanna play hero huh?”
Now I wonder where those kids learned to say such words. As an alien for this past week, one thing I learned is just to ignore and they will go. But Soonyoung was new. He didn’t know them well enough at that point and he ended up on the bad side of the most troublesome kids. Seeing him get cornered lit up something inside of me. I stood up for the first time.
“Hey”, I tapped on the middle boy’s shoulder, “I think you wet your pants”
“Wha-?!”, he was surprised and immediately tried to look at his bottom.
As fast as I could, I grabbed Soonyoung’s hand and pulled him running out of the class. In my head, I couldn’t think of anything else but to just run away far enough from them.
Realizing Soonyoung’s heavy breath, I slowed down. I glanced behind us and was relieved when there was no one running after us. At that moment, we were near the daycare’s back garden. I looked at him.
“You okay?”, I asked
Instead of answering he gave me a thumbs up while still trying to catch his breath. Seeing him like that, I laughed. I laughed so hard like never before. It’s the first time ever since I came to Korea that I laughed like that. Soonyoung looked at me confused. Maybe he thought I had gone mad.
“Thanks!”, I smiled widely at him.
For a good 3 seconds, he stood still staring at me. I took his hand, “But there should be no next time, okay?”.
“Why?”, he finally said something.
“Because people like them are not worth your time, and they could target you next.”
“But you looked so sad”, he said in a small voice.
Until now, only my family seemed to have a clue about what I felt. Even they still have a hard time reading my face. It’s strange because most people say my face doesn’t give away any expression; they call it stoic. The daycare teacher, for example, can’t seem to figure out what’s going on in my mind. But this time, for the very first time, someone gets it.
I am sad. It’s just never crossed my mind. I just felt it, but since I never said it out loud, even my mind didn’t realize it. How could I not be sad when there were so many other kids around me but I would always be alone?
“By the way, how did you know my name”, I asked
“I asked the teacher”, he said nervously, “b- because you are always alone, so I thought I wanna be your friend”
A small spark tickled my stomach. It wasn’t just about how adorable he looked when he got all shy, or how his nervousness made his hands fumble. It was more profound than that. I can’t seem to express this feeling with any words in my head. It was like a little flame flickering with warmth in the pit of my stomach after a long period of loneliness.
Since then, my life has taken a 180-degree turn. We became friends. Turns out our house also is in the same neighborhood, so we played together almost every single day. As we became closer, our parents also became friends. We even went to the same taekwondo center, and go to the same grade school.
In grade school, we were always together. Soonyoung always followed me wherever I went. We ate lunch together. There are times when Soonyoung is in a difficult situation because he’s still as shy and nervous as ever. I tried to help him each time. I can feel him relying on me, and I feel happy to be relied on. The feeling of being useful makes me contented. As an only child, he felt like the younger brother I didn’t have. Even when we got into a disagreement, I tried to search for common ground. Soonyoung became a big part of my life at that point. We were inseparable.
Soonyoung became well-known in middle school for his dance performance. He joined a dance club at school and before long he became the captain. All the other team members agreed that Soonyoung got the eye to catch talented people because the people he recruited to join the club were extraordinary. Soonyoung begins to gain respect from juniors, other classmates, and even seniors. Even though we started everything together, I felt left behind. The Soonyoung who always chased after me, now happily ran in front of me.
One day he started to talk a lot about Shinee. It started when his father’s friend came over and gave him Shinee’s cassette tape album. Soonyoung began to listen to more K-pop music and started to search a lot more about the industry. We would cover some of their songs or dance every so often. Soonyoung would often praise me for singing so well. Occasionally I would also teach him some songs on piano.
Seeing him so hyped up about Shinee made me also begin to look up to them. Researching about them made me feel closer to Soonyoung. We even went to a music store to buy their album together.
I would make short songs for fun, and we would sit down together and work on the lyrics, making them up as we went along. Recorded our voices with cheap wired earphones and uploaded them to SoundCloud or YouTube. Making and doing music started to feel fun, especially because we were doing it together. Even with the low-quality sound and no budget, we would always feel proud when we finished some random song.
As we know more about K-pop and music-making, our dream started to grow. We dreamt of being artists ourselves, making music that everyone could hear. Like any other teens, we’d imagine how amazing it would be if our dreams became real.
“Sena, how would it feel to stand on stage like that?”, Soonyoung asked when we were watching Shinee perform in a music program on TV.
I looked at his side profile, “I think I would feel very nervous, but If I got as many fans as they are, I would be very happy and proud to be on stage”
“I might cry if there’s that many people say they love me”, he said.
Then he looked back at me pointing at the TV screen, “Let’s do it!”, his eyes sparkled as he spoke.
“Do what?”, I asked confused, “be an idol?”
He nodded enthusiastically, “Yeah! me and you!”
I laughed, “You? The one who was so nervous and grabbed our teacher’s hand the whole time in front of everyone in class?”
“Senaa! It was way back! I’ve changed!!”, he sulked.
Yeah, you’ve changed, I can see that, I thought.
“Sure, let’s work hard so we can stand on stage side by side proudly”, I mustered up all of my courage to let that sentence out. But right after I said it, I could see his expression became so bright in an instant. At that moment, I felt it was worth it saying that to see his smile. I need to work hard to make him feel not merely validated by my words but also supported.
Dreaming about it felt so exciting. We’d talk for hours and hours about what it might feel like once our dreams came true, picturing ourselves in that future where our music echoed everywhere.
Then came memories of when we were about to graduate from middle school. Hitting me like a sudden storm. Just like someone suddenly dimmed the lights and my mind started to play tricks on me. The scenes from that time kept flickering in my head like an old movie. I could see Soonyoung, my best friend I shared important milestones in my life. It was like a flood of flashing moments that I couldn’t quite grasp.
I could see Soonyoung getting cast by Pledis Entertainment. I remember that day vividly, the way he told me he got cast and went to his first-ever audition. Then the scenes changed, and I could see him telling me Pledis hadn’t reached out to him again and he was so disappointed thinking he had failed.
Every scene in my mind was like a whirlwind. Soonyoung’s determination when he got another chance to go to an audition. Then his happiest day was when he found out he made it to become one of the trainees. It was a mix of pride and an ache in my heart as I watched him chasing his dream, our dream.
It seemed like the universe had its way of dragging me back to reality when suddenly I felt someone bump into my shoulder from behind. My headphones fell to the ground. They apologized and continued to walk away. There goes my happy memories. Thanks to the bump, I started to snap out of the past. Still at the subway station, staring at a birthday banner. It was 15 June, Soonyoung’s, no, Hoshi’s birthday.
I kept looking at the banner with an empty gaze. A huge lump of feelings that I’d rather never surface again starting to move. Maybe an after-effect because I had been suppressing it for too long already. I blinked, and I realized the crowd that was in front of Hoshi’s banner was gone. Leaving only me standing in front of it.
*If only that accident didn’t happen. What would our present be like right now?*
As I let out a huge sigh, I decided I needed to go. I can’t stand like this and reminisce all night. Responsibilities were waiting for me at home. All those memories need to be sealed as they have always been until now. Then as I was about crouch to pick up my headphones, a voice pierced through the ambience noise of the station. It was as if fate had intervened, interrupting my plan to leave.
“Hurry up *hyung*!! I need to take the picture when it’s not crowded!”
I turned and saw two men approaching the birthday banner. The one in front was wearing a black mask and a bucket hat, and the ‘*Hyung*’ was following from behind. The bucket hat guy keeps telling the other one to walk faster. As he turned to face the front, our eyes unexpectedly met. I don’t need him to open his hat and mask to know which person needs to take a picture with his birthday banner.
It was a normal Friday night when I met you.