Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Aline hadn’t been alone since she’d arrested Aldertree. Since she’d reported him, really. There was too much to do — filing paperwork, passing messages, running errands for her mother — and she was almost too busy to be proud. Almost.

But, even with the chaos, she knew this was the most important thing she’d ever done, and maybe the most important thing she would ever do. She was proud, and no amount of chaos would make her regret it.

But she was relieved to step outside and find that it was quiet. There was only one other woman with her, and she barely seemed to notice Aline. She was wandering almost aimlessly, hands tucked into the back pockets of her jeans. Aline was sure they’d never met, but something about her looked familiar. It took a moment for the images to line up in her head, and when they did, she walked straight towards her. “You’re Helen Blackthorn, aren’t you?”

Helen took two hesitant steps forward, her hands still tucked into her pockets. Kind of cute, maybe, if Aline wanted to focus on that. “And you’re the Consul’s daughter,” she said slowly, almost timidly. Nothing like the confident woman that Isabelle had described, the one who’d supervised dangerous criminals, then taken up arms to protect them. “I’m in big trouble, aren’t I?” Her hands slid out from her pockets, and it was somehow much more formal. Like Aline was an authority, not another Shadowhunter.

“You did go behind the Clave’s back and allow a maniac to concoct a plan to cleanse the world of demon blood,” she conceded, taking a half step forward. She tilted her chin up, and suddenly realized how close they were. But she didn’t back away, and neither did Helen. “But I admire you.” Helen tilted her head, an obvious question. Definitely cute. “Without you, well, there might not be a Downworld. At least not in New York, anyway.”

“I didn’t do it because I’m half-Seelie, you know.” Helen’s tone was softer, somehow — the opposite of defensive, but it was still a defense. Aline knew better than most.

But there was something endearing about the way she said it, about the way she was looking at Aline. Like she was talking to Aline, not the Consul’s daughter. Like Aline was another Shadowhunter, not an authority. Like she actually cared what Aline thought of her.

So Aline softened too. “I never said you did.”

Helen looked into her face like she was searching for something, and Aline held her gaze for a full three seconds. Then she nodded and stepped past her. If Helen wasn’t going to say anything, Aline didn’t have time to pry.

After all, a maniac had concocted a plan to cleanse the world of demon blood, and there was work to do.

Helen wasn’t surprised that she was ‘suspended, pending investigation.’ Really, she was more surprised that the Clave was taking so long to arrest her, and the rules were more lenient than she’d expected. She couldn’t use her anti-tracking rune or leave Alicante, but she could go almost anywhere in the city. She was banned from the labs where she’d worked, but had free access to the armory. And she couldn’t apply for other jobs until the Clave finished their investigation.

As much as she wanted to get back to research, she was almost grateful for the ban; she wasn’t ready to face the rejections yet. But she hated that she couldn’t do anything but wait.

When she heard the knock on her door, she silently accepted her fate. She’d known it was just a matter of time, and she’d already waited long enough. But when she opened the door, there was only one person waiting for her.

“What’s the Consul’s daughter doing here?”

“Aline,” she corrected.

“Aline. Are you here to arrest me?”

“Don’t you think I would’ve brought more guards for that?”

“I think you’re a little unpredictable,” she answered honestly. She couldn’t help it; there was something about Aline that was just a little disarming. Like the way she’d looked into Helen’s face that night, direct and serious and soft all at once.

“I’m just looking for a sparring partner.”

“Why me?”

“No one has seen you in a couple days. No sense in falling behind on your training.”

“Well, it would be embarrassing to get arrested in front of half the Clave.”

“Who said anything about arresting you?” She said it just like I never said you did, and it sounded like I won’t assume the worst of you. Helen let herself relax, just a bit.

“We did agree that I’m in trouble.”

“Actually, I don’t remember saying that.”

“You implied it.”

“I did not.”

“‘You did allow a maniac to concoct a plan to cleanse the world of demon blood,’” she said, in her best impression of Aline’s voice. “That sounds like trouble to me.”

Maybe she was a little too teasing, but she just couldn’t help herself. Aline was stunningly pretty and more than a little intimidating, and not just because she was the Consul’s daughter. Kind of weird, because Helen couldn’t remember the last time that she’d been intimidated by anyone, even in the middle of a Downworld prison, but she couldn’t resist teasing her, just a bit.

“And I admire you,” Aline reminded her, either oblivious to or ignoring the teasing. Then she frowned. “And I don’t sound like that.”

“Maybe not,” Helen admitted easily. Her siblings had always said that she was the worst at voices.

“Do I need to find another sparring partner, or are you coming?”

“Give me five minutes to get changed.”

“You get four,” and there was just a hint of a smirk on Aline’s face.

“Got it. Six.” Helen heard Aline scoff before she shut the door, and she smiled.

Aline was at her door again two days later, and then the day after that. They were evenly matched; Aline had more training and her attacks were stronger, but Helen had always been unnaturally good at dodging. Something about her blood, maybe, about the way that Seelies moved more fluidly than Shadowhunters.

Aline never got frustrated by it, and never lost focus. If anything, she seemed to relish the challenge. Helen was…impressed. Most Shadowhunters got annoyed after a few fights. They were used to having their attacks blocked, but missing their targets completely? That was new, and they didn’t like it.

Aline didn’t seem to care, and she didn’t bring up her Seelie blood. She just adjusted her attacks and kept fighting.

In fact, when someone muttered a comment in the hallway — something about Aldertree and morals — Aline seemed more annoyed than she was. “Ignore them,” she said.

“I deserve it.”

“You took him down. That’s what matters.”

“Yeah, after stripping dozens of Downworlders of their abilities,” she said bitterly. “And besides, I had help.”

Aline stopped walking and turned towards her. “Give yourself some credit. You destroyed months of your own research. That couldn’t have been easy.” She was looking directly into Helen’s eyes, and Helen sank into the comfort of her words, the way her voice was a little softer than normal, how sincere she sounded. “I admire you. Isabelle does too, and she doesn’t give praise lightly.” Aline’s lips twitched, forming something between a smile and a smirk, and Helen realized she’d been looking at her mouth. A little embarrassing, but Aline didn’t seem to notice. “Also, don’t tell anyone I told you, but Simon said you were intimidating.”

“I have my moments.”

“I’d believe it.” Helen’s face felt hot, and she was glad that Aline had already turned away.

But it didn’t stop. A week later, the training room was busier than normal, and Helen heard the comments she’d been dreading. The ones about her Seelie blood and her loyalty to the Clave. About why she’d been so involved in that project, and why she’d shut it down.

The comments made her feel smaller, because they were right. She’d said it herself. I might be a Shadowhunter, but I’m a Downworlder too. And no one gets to take that away from me. No matter what Aline thought, she deserved this.

“Hey.” Aline rapped the top of her head with the flat side of her blade, hard enough to sting. “Ignore them,” she repeated, something tense in her voice. “They have no idea what it’s like to be different.” Helen knew she was right, but it didn’t sound like a casual observation. It sounded personal.

She looked at Aline, then at the other Shadowhunters in the room, and she suddenly realized how many people in Idris had pale skin. She looked at Aline again, and felt like she was seeing her for the first time. Aline carried herself like she didn’t care, but she did; Helen could see that now. The coolness in Aline’s voice, the unshakable confidence, the way she kept her feelings under lock and key — that wasn’t her. Not really.

Helen wanted to know what else Aline was hiding. Who she was, without that mask. And most of all, she wanted Aline to trust her enough to show her.

But for now, she just lifted her blade into position. “Let’s go again.”

Aline’s smile was sharp. “Are you really asking to lose?”

She didn’t give Helen a chance to answer.

The next morning, Helen found Aline at breakfast. “I know a great spot for lunch,” she said, without any preamble.

Aline tilted her head up, considering her, and the light caught on her dark eyes. She really was pretty. More than pretty, if Helen let her mind go in that direction. “I have a lot of work to do.”

“You can take an hour for lunch,” Helen tried. “You need to eat anyway.” Aline didn’t answer, and Helen tried to hide her disappointment. She should’ve accepted Aline’s kindness or pity or sympathy, and settled for sparring and small talk. She shouldn’t have pushed for more. “It’s fine. I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“It’s not that don’t I want to,” Aline explained quickly. “I’m just really busy.”

Helen hesitated, not wanting to push too hard, and took one last shot. Because she really did want to know Aline, if the other woman would let her. “Do you have an office? I can bring you something.”

“As long as you don’t mind if I focus more on the paperwork than you.”

“I’ll bring a book.”

Aline gave her a small smile. “I’d like that.”

Chapter Text

Aline was the one to suggest dinner, just four days and two sparring sessions after they had lunch in her office. Helen had found excuses to go back every day since. They didn’t talk much, but she didn’t mind the silence; it was peaceful.

So Helen was surprised when Aline looked up from her work and asked, “Are you free tomorrow night?”

“Yes.”

“I know a great spot for dinner,” she said, echoing Helen’s words, “and you have to eat anyway.”

She smiled. “I do. Anywhere I’d know?”

“Probably not,” Aline admitted, and refused to share any more details.

But on the way to the restaurant, she said, “I was born in Beijing. The food reminds of that.”

“I’ve never been to Beijing. What’s it like?”

“Beautiful. Busy. There are more mundanes who believe in demons.” Helen nodded. The mundanes in California wouldn’t even the consider the possibility of demons and angels. “You grew up in LA, right?”

“You read my file, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Stalker,” she teased. Then she remembered why Aline would’ve looked at her file.

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Helen.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” Aline looked away quickly, and Helen wanted to kick herself.

When they reached the restaurant, Helen didn’t recognize a single person. That might have been the point, she realized. No one knew them. She wasn’t the half-Seelie who’d conspired with Aldertree, and Aline wasn’t the Consul’s daughter.

But Aline seemed strangely nervous. She kept her eyes fixed on the menu, occasionally glancing up at Helen.

“Hey.” Aline looked up, and didn’t look away this time. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

All the tension seemed to leave Aline’s body, and she smiled. “It’s my favorite,” she admitted, and her voice seemed softer, somehow. Like this was something private, like she was sharing a secret.

“Do you have any recommendations?”

Aline closed her menu and started explaining the different dishes — from memory, because this was her favorite. When she paused, Helen touched her hand, just for a moment. “Do you want to order for me?”

Aline smiled again, more relaxed than Helen had ever seen her, and this was a tiny piece of the girl under the mask. Helen felt honored to see it. “I can do that.”

When a waiter walked by, Aline started to order, glancing at Helen one more time. Making sure she was comfortable, making sure she wasn’t overstepping, and Helen nodded. She trusted Aline to order, just like Aline trusted her to keep this place a secret.

“You have six siblings, right?” The change in topic surprised her, but she nodded. “What was it like?”

Helen smiled. “Hectic. I’m the oldest, so I took care of them.”

“Are they all half-Seelie?”

Helen usually would’ve been offended by the question; she’d been asked before, too many times to count, and there had always been some type of judgement. People wanted to know how many times her father had gone to the Seelie realm, how many mistakes he’d made. But Aline had never cared about her blood. With Aline, it was just a question.

“Only the oldest, Mark. He’s a year younger than— Sorry, you don’t need to hear this.” She could talk about her siblings for hours, but Aline hadn’t asked for that.

“I want to,” Aline said, looking her in the eye. “Will you tell me about them?”

She said it like she wanted to know. Not about her Seelie blood, but about her family. All of it, all of them.

And Helen was sitting in a restaurant surrounded by strangers, and Aline was one of the most beautiful people she’d ever met, and Helen wanted to know about her too. “Do you want to go somewhere after this? Somewhere with fewer—” She immediately flushed; she knew exactly how that sounded, and she wasn’t sure if she’d meant it that way. She wasn’t sure that she hadn’t. And she didn’t know if Aline was straight, or interested, or— “Sorry, I’ll, um— Mark is one year younger than me, and we had the same mother. The other five are our half-siblings.”

Aline let her ramble about her family, and they never came back to the question she’d almost asked.

Helen didn’t see Aline for days. She wasn’t sure if Aline wanted her to come looking, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Being friends with Aline was nice — had been nice, maybe — but she’d probably ruined any chance of that happening again. If Aline wanted space — if she wanted nothing to do with her, ever again — Helen would respect that.

But five days later, Aline was at her door again. “Ready to spar?” she asked, like nothing had ever happened.

“I need six minutes.”

“Four,” Aline corrected, without a hint of annoyance this time. In fact, she was smirking.

And if Helen hadn’t known better, she would’ve thought that nothing had happened. They fell back into the sparring easily, the same back and forth of Aline attacking and Helen dodging. Helen had almost forgotten how skilled Aline was, and how she’d already picked up on the way she moved.

Then Aline tapped her on the collarbone, and didn’t pull away. Aline’s eyes locked on hers, and Helen felt a shudder run through her entire body.

“You haven’t been by my office lately.”

“Can you move your sword?” Aline lifted it back over her shoulder like it weighed nothing, and Helen felt like she could breathe again. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

“I never said you were.”

Aline was too smart not to know why Helen was avoiding her. And she’d used that tone before in I never said you did and Who said anything about arresting you?, and the message couldn’t have been clearer. Last time, it had been I won’t assume the worst about you. This time, it was also Don’t assume the worst about me.

“I’ll come by tomorrow,” she said, and it was an apology.

Aline flashed her a quick smile, and it was acceptance. “You should.”

“I thought I might find you here.”

Helen looked up, distracted, and saw Aline leaning against the doorframe of Aldertree’s former office. “Oh. Hi.” The Council hadn’t selected a new Head of Scientific Development yet, and she’d gotten permission to sort through what was left of their research.

“Hi. I brought coffee.”

“Thanks.” She accepted the cup and took a sip. “Don’t you have a meeting?”

“It got cancelled. I tried to work, but…” She shrugged. “I got used to being annoyed in my office.”

“Annoyed?” Helen scoffed, but she gave up when Aline smiled at her. It was really hard to stay mad when she did that. Not that she had many reasons to be upset with Aline in the first place. “You’re annoying me.”

“Should I take my coffee and leave?”

“You should try these chairs instead. They’re very comfortable.”

Aline eyed the obviously stiff cushions. “Are they?”

“No, but it was a good line.”

“It was.” Instead of sitting, Aline walked to the bookshelf, looking at the books that Aldertree had found important enough to keep here. Once Helen was sure that Aline wasn’t leaving, she went back to her reading.

It was…awful. She’d seen some of the documents before — standard prisoner records, information about Glorious, lists of staff — but some of it was new. Aldertree’s reports were detached. Scientific. Clear-cut. Absolutely nauseating to read. But she forced herself to keep going, because she’d been a part of this, and she had to understand what they’d done. Besides, there could still be something useful here; she just had to find it.

Then she got to the list of test subjects — even thinking those words made her sick — and she drew in a sharp breath. She read the list a second time.

“What’s wrong?” Helen didn’t answer, just read the words over and over. “Helen, look at me.” She couldn’t, couldn’t tear her eyes away from— “Hey.” Aline’s hand was on her cheek, guiding her away from the page. “Talk to me.” Helen pressed her lips together, then shoved the paper towards Aline.

Aline straightened up, and Helen watched her face as she read it, as she found out why Helen had been involved in that project. The real reason that Aldertree had hired her.

He’d wanted to see how a half-Seelie would react to Heavenly Fire. She’d been part of the experiment.

That was the word he’d used. Experiment. Test subjects. Not prisoners. Experiments. They hadn’t even been people to him. She hadn’t been a person to him. She thought about the months she’d spent admiring him, and she felt sick.

“You’re okay,” Aline told her, putting the paper on the other side of the desk. Helen realized she was shaking, and she pressed her hands into her thighs. “But Aldertree should be glad he’s already in the Gard.” She reached for the page again, but Aline hopped up onto the edge of the desk, cutting her off. “No. You’re done for today.”

“I need to—”

Aline raised an eyebrow, and Helen was abruptly reminded that her first impression of Aline had been intimidating. It had been that Aline was not someone she wanted to mess with.

“I wasn’t asking, Helen.”

“I noticed.”

“Good.”

She eyed the paper anyway. Not that she really wanted to read it, but she still had a lot to do today. And she didn’t want to let Aline have the last word. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

“No, I’m not fucking anyone. I’m trying to do my job.” It was the first time she’d heard Aline curse, and Helen knew she should take it seriously, but she couldn’t help herself.

Aline flushed bright red, the blush covering her whole face and creeping down her neck, and she seemed to be having trouble looking at Helen directly. Cute. “Unless you think there’s someone I should be fucking?” she added.

“Most people wouldn’t say that to me.” It sounded like nonsense, like she was grasping at straws. It was adorable.

Helen gave her a teasing smile. This was easier. She could compartmentalize this. “Why? Because you’re the big, scary Consul’s daughter?”

She saw Aline’s eyes flicker to her lips, then back to her eyes, and watched the panic set in as Aline realized what she’d done. And that Helen had seen what she’d done.

“If I’m not allowed to work,” she said carefully, giving Aline time to relax, “what am I supposed to do? Other than fucking?”

Aline’s face turned bright red again. “Please stop,” she muttered.

“Sorry, what was that?”

Aline flicked her in the forehead. “You’re annoying.”

“You like me anyway.”

Aline flicked her harder.

Aline sometimes hated that her mother was Consul. Since the day she’d been elected, Aline had been handed dozens of jobs that really weren’t her job at all. She represented the Clave and the Consul, whether she wanted to or not, and there was more pressure and more expectations — things that she didn’t want and hadn’t asked for.

But there were also times when she loved it. The pressure came with power and respect, which no one had given her before. And, as much as she resented the extra jobs, she didn’t always hate them. There were even days when she looked forward to them.

Today was undoubtedly one of those days, and she struggled to keep a straight face as she knocked on Helen’s door. “You’ve been officially cleared of any wrongdoing,” Aline told her, in her most professional, authoritative tone.

“But— how? I’m not innocent.”

“Aldertree testified that he kept you in the dark. He said that you would’ve left the project and reported him if you’d known the truth. The Council decided that you were naïve, but not complicit.”

“I’m not sure how to feel about that.”

“Well, you’re no longer under investigation. You’re free to leave Alicante.”

“Thanks. I’m glad I heard it from you.”

“I wanted to be the one to tell you,” she admitted. And more than anything, she’d wanted to ask, “How about a drink to celebrate?”

She enjoyed the moment of shock that crossed Helen’s face, her mouth hanging open for just a second before she smiled. “Have you ever been to a club?”

“No.” Isabelle had tried to convince her once, but it had seemed busy and loud, and she’d refused so quickly that Jace had laughed. Have you ever been to a club? wasn’t the same as How about a drink?, and she knew Helen would accept it if she said no. She knew Helen would agree to just a drink.

But she imagined Helen dancing, laughing, lights passing over her face, and something ignited deep in her stomach. “Where is this club?”

“In New York. Magnus owns it, and it’s open to everyone. Downworlders, Shadowhunters, mundanes.” Helen tucked her hair behind her ear, and Aline was automatically drawn to the motion. Then Helen’s lips twitched into a smile, and she realized she’d been staring. Her head jerked up, cheeks burning. “Tonight at eight?” Helen offered, even though Aline hadn’t agreed.

“I have a report to submit tonight. Can you wait a day?”

“For you? Yes.” Aline refused to blush a second time.

“Okay. Tomorrow at eight.” And because she really did have to work, she started to walk away. Then she paused and looked back. “I wouldn’t mind some company while I work.”

“You sure?” There was something teasing about Helen’s tone, and Aline fought back a smile.

“If you’re interested, you know where to find me,” she said evenly, not rising to the bait, and she felt Helen’s eyes on her as she walked away.

“Aline, wait.” She turned back, confused. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad I was the one to tell you,” she said, maybe a little too sincerely.

“I am too.” Helen sounded more serious than Aline had ever heard her, and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. So she nodded sharply and walked away, and ignored the way her heart was pounding.

Maybe ‘have you been to a club?’ hadn’t been the right question. Maybe ‘have you ever tasted alcohol?’ would’ve been more appropriate. Because Aline had only had one drink, but her face was flushed and she was bouncing in place, just a bit.

“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” she said, standing near the edge of the dance floor. She was rocking back and forth, like she was torn between joining the crowd and running away.

Helen remembered how calm Aline had been at that restaurant, wearing her hair down, a little quicker to smile. She wanted to see who she would be here, in a sea of people who didn’t care about her, who only cared about the music. “Trust me?” She held out her hand, and Aline took it without even a bit of hesitation.

“I do.”

Helen stepped into the crowd, tugging Aline with her, carefully watching her face. She would leave in an instant if Aline was uncomfortable, but Aline didn’t pull away. “I don’t know how to dance,” she yelled over the music.

“Just copy me.”

Aline didn’t let go of her hand, and Helen let herself get lost in the music. She kept her eyes on Aline, just to make sure she didn’t want to leave, but Aline was copying her precisely. A little too tense, at first, but Helen watched her relax into it.

She pulled her hand away to dance more freely, and Aline responded by stepping closer. She tilted her head back and grinned at Helen, cheeks flushed, utterly carefree, and Helen suddenly couldn’t breathe. Aline was beautiful, and she was more relaxed than Helen had ever seen her, and she was letting Helen see her like this. She was trusting her with this.

Aline’s eyes flickered to hers, then down to her lips, and Helen’s whole body felt warm. Maybe it was just the alcohol, but she thought she saw Aline lean in, just a bit. Then Aline’s eyes went wide and she stepped back, bumping into the person behind her.

“I’m going to—” She gestured at the bar.

“I’ll find a table,” Helen yelled back.

Aline shook her head and took her hand, pulling her towards the bar. “Can you order for me?” Aline asked, looking back at her, almost shy. Shit.

Helen absently draped her arms over her shoulders, and Aline leaned back against her. “Whatever you want.”

“I trust you.”

Shit, shit, shit.

Barely an hour later, Aline dropped her head onto Helen’s shoulder, head drooping forwards just a bit. They’d found a booth to sit in, and Aline hadn’t hesitated to slide in next to her. “Don’t think I don’t see it,” she mumbled.

“See what?”

Aline reached across her body, lazily pushing her hair behind her ear. She traced over the pointed tip, and Helen’s breath caught in her throat. “You wear your hair down…” Her hand moved lower, and she tapped Helen’s chest, right where her runes were visible, and Helen pretended her body wasn’t on fire. “…and your runes are always showing.”

“I’m not ashamed of who I am.”

“I know.”

“It’s not easy to be different,” she said softly, and for once, she wasn’t sure if Aline understood. That was okay; she wanted Aline to forget how it felt to be other, just for a night.

“You are different. But that’s not a bad thing.”

Aline hadn’t taken her hand off Helen’s chest, and her head was still on her shoulder, rolling down towards her collarbone. She was so warm, practically draped over Helen’s body, and she was hazy from the alcohol, and Helen wondered if anyone had ever seen her like this — honest and unguarded, in a place where no one had any expectations of her. Where she was just Aline, not the Consul’s daughter. Where her responsibilities didn’t matter.

“You’re different too,” Helen told her. “But not in the way they think.”

Aline tilted her head up, her cheek resting on Helen’s shoulder, and her eyes flickered to Helen’s lips again. It would’ve been so easy to lean in and close the gap, and Helen was tempted. And she thought Aline was too.

But Aline had already had two drinks, and she’d admitted to trying some of Helen’s. Helen’s, which had ingredients that were only meant for Seelies and sent wild magic buzzing through her veins.

Helen took another sip and tasted something like flowers, something like snowy trees, something like light. It flared in her bloodstream, waking every one of her senses.

And Aline was still looking at her like that.

Helen wondered how her lips would taste. She wondered if Aline would look at her like that without the drinks, without the magic. If she would kiss her in an office or a forest or a bedroom.

For now, Helen pressed her lips against Aline’s forehead and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer. She started to fix her hair, letting it fall back over her ear, but Aline caught her wrist weakly. “Don’t,” she muttered.

“Okay, I won’t.” She did it anyway.

“Liar.”

“You can’t prove anything.”

“Yeah I can.” Rather than try, Aline sank further into Helen’s side.

This was what freedom meant, sitting in a room full of strangers while the lights flashed and the music buzzed in her chest, drinking magic from a glass. She hoped Aline felt it too.

Aline woke with a pounding headache and the taste of something dead in her mouth. Groaning, she stumbled to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, then struggled through a shower with the lights off. She finally found her stele and ran it over the iratze on her arm, and her head cleared instantly.

She tied her hair out of her face and looked at the mirror. That looked like her, dark clothes and her hair drawn back, runes clearly drawn on her arms and neck.

You wear your hair down…but your runes are always showing.

She remembered Helen’s warm skin under her hand, how she hadn’t pulled away. The press of lips against her forehead. Heat burning in her bloodstream, and not just from the alcohol.

She’d been raised to follow the rules, to be controlled by logic and ignore emotions. She’d slipped before — many, many times — but she’d always pulled herself back from the edge. But last night, she’d felt free. She’d felt like she belonged, exactly how she was, emotions or not, mask or no mask.

And Helen had been there, and Helen had seen her.

You’re different too. But not in the way they think.

Feeling more than a little reckless, she walked to Helen’s room and knocked on the door. Louder than she’d meant to, and she almost flinched at the noise. She felt certain, but also afraid of what she wanted. And how much she wanted it.

Helen opened the door, and her hair was down and her runes were showing on her chest. Aline stepped into her room without asking permission.

Before she could lose her courage, she closed the door, pressed Helen against it, and kissed her.

Chapter Text

Helen was…confused. Aline had walked into her room, kissed her, and…left. She wasn’t upset about it, and she’d known after last night, and — well, she was glad Aline still wanted to kiss her when she was sober. She couldn’t think of a better way to start her morning, except if Aline had stayed.

But Aline had been clear before, in I didn’t want to bother you and I never said you were; if she wanted space, she would tell her. So Helen followed her to her office. “Hi.”

Aline didn’t look up from her paperwork. “Good morning.”

Helen rolled her eyes and sat down, and pretended to be absorbed in her book. After rereading the same page a dozen times, she gave up and asked, “Are we going to talk about it?”

“Yes.”

“Are we going to talk about it now?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

She tried to focus on her book again, but Aline was right there, and she was so beautiful, and Helen knew exactly how soft her lips were. And she wanted to feel them again. “You’re staring.” Aline didn’t look up, but Helen could picture the small smirk on her face.

“I know.”

“It’s creepy.” Helen didn’t answer, but she didn’t look away. Aline sighed and put her pen down. “If I come over there and kiss you, will you stop?”

“No, but you should do it anyway.” Aline rolled her eyes. “I want to take you on a date.” The blush appeared on Aline’s face in less than a second. Adorable. “Tonight,” she decided. “Dinner.”

“I’m, um—”

“Not out?” Helen offered gently. “Not interested?”

“You know I’m—” Aline sighed. “The first one, okay?”

“I’ll find somewhere private,” she promised, but Aline still looked uncertain. Helen knew that Aline was interested, but she was also scared, and Helen didn’t want to push her. Not with this. “Or we can hang out in my room and watch a movie.”

“Were you thinking of something cheesy and romantic?”

“Or an action movie.”

Aline smiled. “Okay, you have my attention.”

“I didn’t have it before?”

Aline threw her pen at her head, then picked up another and went back to work. And even though Helen kept staring, Aline didn’t say a word.

Aline hated feeling nervous, and she especially hated feeling panicked. She hadn’t felt it in years, not since Sebastian had walked in on her and Carolyn. But now, standing at Helen’s door, she couldn’t think of a better word — she was panicking.

She was going on a date with a girl. With Helen. Even if they were staying in Helen’s room, even if this was something that friends did too — it was a date. And somehow, it was more terrifying than any demon she’d ever faced.

Summoning all her courage, she knocked on the door, and it opened in an instant. Like Helen had been waiting. Aline was suddenly breathless. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Helen took her hand and pulled her through the door, and Aline felt unexpectedly shy. “Hi.” She didn’t know what else to say.

Helen laughed. “Hi to you too.” Aline was debating if she should kiss her, but Helen had already moved past her. “So, I was thinking, we could either watch an action movie, or— My siblings have been reading these mundane books about how mundanes think magic works, and they said they’re really funny, and they also make movies, so…” Helen was rambling, and speaking a little too quickly, and it made Aline feel a little better. Like maybe she wasn’t the only one that was panicking.

“You want to watch a movie about how mundanes think magic works?”

Helen visibly wilted. “Never mind, it was a bad idea. Let’s stick to—”

“I like it,” she decided.

“You do?”

“I think it’s cute.” Helen’s cheeks turned pink, and Aline couldn’t have stopped her smile if she’d tried; it was the first time she’d seen Helen blush. “What’s it called?”

“Harry Potter. And there’s a few of them, so I thought we could pick one together.” She pulled up a list on her laptop and turned it towards Aline.

“What’s a goblet of fire?”

Helen grinned at her. “Only one way to find out.” She crawled onto the bed, leaning back against the headboard, and looked at Aline expectantly.

And Aline realized that Helen was waiting for her, and the idea made her oddly nervous. But this was normal. Friends sat on each other’s beds and watched movies. So Aline kicked off her shoes and sat next to Helen, carefully leaving a few inches between them. Normal. Helen didn’t comment on it; she just smiled and pressed play.

They barely made it fifteen minutes before Helen said, “Well, I know why my siblings thought these were funny. Can you imagine a warlock sitting on a broom?”

“Can you imagine a warlock using a stick?” she countered, and it was a terrible joke, but Helen laughed.

It was easy to forget that this was a date. They could have been here last week, watching a bad movie on Helen’s bed — as friends. But almost an hour in, Helen looked at her and said, “It’s okay to relax a bit.”

“What do you mean?”

Helen hesitated, then wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. The inches between them were gone, and Aline’s breath caught in her throat. They wouldn’t have done this as friends.

“Is this okay?”

Aline tried to say yes, but she felt incredibly, unusually shy. Too shy to speak, or even look at Helen. She blushed and buried her face in Helen’s shoulder, not able to answer and not wanting to pull away. When Helen laughed, she felt it in her whole body.

“You’re adorable.”

“What?”

“This morning, you practically broke down my door to kiss me. And now you…you’re precious.”

Precious. The word felt unexpectedly warm in her chest. She tilted her head back to look at Helen, and Helen was looking at her like that too — like she was precious, like she was important, like she was just a girl. Helen always looked at her like that, like she was trying to see past her defenses and find her, and it was almost alarmingly easy to let her in.

“I’m going to kiss you,” Helen said. Then she did, and it was slow and gentle, and Aline felt like she was floating by the time it ended. She pulled Helen back down and kissed her again, a little less gentle. When they separated, Helen looked starstruck and a little breathless, and it was a huge boost to Aline’s confidence.

She repositioned herself so it was easier to kiss Helen, swinging one leg over her lap. Helen didn’t complain; she just leaned in and kissed her again, cradling her face between her hands. Aline wrapped her arms around her neck, losing herself in the feel of Helen’s lips against hers.

Magic. It was like magic, and not like what Harry Potter and Ron Wessel were doing. Real, tangible magic that drew her into Helen and made it impossible to stop. She thought she could live off this, the feel of Helen’s body against hers, Helen’s thumb stroking her cheek, Helen’s lips on hers.

“You know,” Helen mumbled against her lips, “we were watching a movie.”

“You’re ruining the mood,” Aline told her, and kissed her again. Helen laughed and pulled back, and Aline dropped her forehead onto her shoulder. “It’s not funny. I was having fun.”

“I’m glad you think I’m fun.”

“A little less now,” she grumbled. But she couldn’t bring herself to be mad. She twisted around so she could lean back against Helen’s chest, and Helen reached forward and took her hand. Aline’s face felt hot. Friends didn’t do this. This was a date.

She was on a date with Helen Blackthorn.

“I have to idea what’s going on,” Helen admitted, and Aline needed a moment to realize that she was talking about the movie again.

“Neither do I.”

Helen’s thumb traced circles on the back of her hand, and Aline was much too aware of her touch, of the warmth of Helen behind her. She stopped listening to the movie; it buzzed in the background, but all she could hear was Helen’s heartbeat, calm and steady. She closed her eyes and let herself relax.

When Aline opened her eyes again, the laptop was off, and the room was dark and quiet. Helen’s hand was still on hers, and Helen’s breathing was steady and even behind her, and Aline wanted to sink into her and go back to sleep.

Instead, she slowly climbed out of bed, careful not to wake her. She looked back at Helen and felt a sudden rush of affection. Beautiful. Helen was beautiful, and just watching her, Aline felt her heart beat a little faster.

She was being ridiculous. Her heartbeat wasn’t changing from watching a fellow Shadowhunter sleep. That was absurd.

Precious. She took one last look at Helen, and slipped silently out of the room.

Helen looked up from her dinner to find Aline watching her, absently poking at her own food. “Are you staring at me?” she teased. She’d gotten takeout from Aline’s favorite restaurant, and Aline had seemed grateful, but she’d been distracted since. Like she wasn’t fully here.

“Maybe.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“It’s not important.”

Helen put down her food and took Aline’s hand, and Aline seemed to focus on her. “Tell me anyway?”

“It’s just…when I was fifteen, I didn’t think I would ever do this.” She didn’t have to define this, but she didn’t sound certain of it either. Helen was tempted to tell her It’s okay to want this and You’re allowed to have this, and maybe she would have, on another day. If this hadn’t been their third date, if she hadn’t been afraid of scaring Aline away.

But it was their third date, so she asked, “Well, what did fifteen-year-old Aline think she’d be doing?”

“Dating a man.” Her nose wrinkled in disgust, and even that was cute. “Marrying a man.”

“I’m glad you’re dating me instead.”

“You’re definitely not a man,” Aline agreed easily.

“You’re so annoying.”

“You like me anyway.”

“Don’t get cocky.”

“Am I wrong?”

“Definitely not wrong. You’re very cute though.” Aline blushed, and Helen was tempted to kiss her. She didn’t say it, but that had been important. Because it had come from Aline, and all of Aline’s thoughts mattered.

This was really bad.

“Are you going to keep staring at my mouth, or are you going to do something about it?”

Helen raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know. Am I going to do something about it?”

Aline studied her face for a moment. “I think you are.”

“I think you’re right.”

“You should get used to saying that.” Helen scoffed, but Aline cupped her jaw and pulled her into a kiss. She tasted like her favorite meal, and Helen thought she could get addicted. Really, really bad. “See? I was right.”

“Well…you’re the one that did something about it.” Before Aline could answer, Helen leaned forward and kissed her again. “You were right.”

Aline beamed at her, then shifted to straddle her lap. Helen could see, just under the surface, how nervous she was. But she was doing an amazing job of hiding it, so Helen just smiled back and kissed her, and they didn’t get back to dinner for a long time.

Helen woke up to find Aline next to her, curled up on top of the blankets. A little weird, because she’d gone to bed alone, but she wasn’t going to complain. She shook Aline’s shoulder gently, and Aline blinked a couple times, tilting her face towards Helen.

“Hi,” Helen said quietly.

“Hi.” Aline’s eyes went wide. “Oh, I…couldn’t sleep.”

Helen smiled softly. Maybe this should’ve been weird, but it wasn’t. “Did you get some sleep?”

“I did.”

“Good.” Helen kissed the top of her head, and Aline finally smiled. “I hate to say this, but I do need to get up soon.

“Can you wait an hour?”

She really couldn’t, but she said, “Only if you get under the blanket with me.”

“I can do that.”

Aline crawled under the covers and grabbed her hand, but Helen shook her head. “If you break into my room in the middle of the night, you have to cuddle with me.”

“Is that really how it works?”

“Yes.”

“If you say so.”

Rather than moving towards her, Aline tugged on her hand, dragging Helen across the bed. “Hey!”

Aline wrapped an arm around her waist with a mischievous smile. “You were saying?” Helen sighed and rolled onto her side, facing Aline.

“Wake me in half an hour?”

Aline’s face softened into the most gentle smile she’d ever seen. “Of course, sweetheart.” No one had ever called her that, and Helen melted. She closed her eyes and tucked her head down onto Aline’s shoulder, and Aline’s fingers trailed up and down her spine. She let herself sink into the feeling. Into the comfort. And she let it lull her to sleep.

Helen… The word was whispered into her dreams, soft and sweet. Helen… “Helen…”

Helen opened her eyes slowly and looked at Aline, whose fingers were still running up and down her back. “Has it been thirty minutes already?”

“It’s been thirty-two.” Helen closed her eyes again. “No, you have things to do today.”

“This is one of them.”

“Helen.” Aline touched her chin, gently tilting her head back, and kissed her. “Time to get up.”

She sighed and followed Aline out of bed. “How are you getting back to your room?”

“I brought clothes with me.”

“Smart.”

Helen looked at her for a moment. There was something so special about seeing Aline like this, in pajamas with messy hair, soft and unguarded. She didn’t look like a Shadowhunter right now, and even though they’d just started dating, Helen thought she could fall in love with her. Not with the mask, but with the girl it was hiding. The one who got nervous before dates and had a secret favorite restaurant and snuck into her room in the middle of the night because she couldn’t sleep.

“Do you want to come back tonight?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Aline, I will literally never say no to being in the same room as you. But you do have to cuddle with me.” Aline smiled, bright as the sun, and Helen wanted to kiss her. “And we might need a second pillow.”

“I think I can manage that.”

Helen frowned at the paper in front of her, pulling her hair back out of her face. She didn’t want to read this, but she knew it would be useful. If she could figure out what it meant.

Her hair tie snapped, flying across the room, and almost hit Aline in the face. “If you want me to leave, you can just say so.”

On another day, Helen might have laughed. But today, she just pushed her hair back over her shoulder with a quiet, “Sorry.”

“I have an extra.”

“Thanks.” Helen held out her hand, but Aline walked behind her and lightly touched the back of her head. Helen’s entire body tensed, but Aline didn’t seem to mind. Helen forced herself to relax and focus on the page again.

When the concentration of Heavenly Fire was—

Aline started pulling her hair back, gathering it into her hand.

When the concentration of Heavenly Fire was—

“Aline. What are you doing?”

“Putting up your hair.”

She was, but she was sweeping her hair up high. Higher than Helen ever wore it, high enough to show her ears. “Stop.” Aline ignored her. “Aline, stop.”

Aline paused, but didn’t let go of Helen’s hair. “Make me.” It wasn’t a joke — it was a challenge. It was Tell me that you want to hide and I’ll let you. Aline would let her turn around. She would hand over the hair tie and let Helen do this herself.

But it was so easy to let Aline do it. Helen wasn’t brave enough to show her ears like this, but maybe, if Aline did it, she could be. She wanted to be.

When she didn’t answer, Aline’s hands started moving again, slow and precise. “What are you reading?”

“It’s about the differences in demon blood in different Downworlders.”

“Sounds interesting.”

When the concentration of Heavenly Fire was—

Aline’s fingers brushed the back of her neck.

When the concentration of—

The cold air tingled against her ears.

When—

When—

Helen leaned forward, away from Aline, then twisted around to face her. “Okay.” Rather than handing over the hair tie, she gently turned Helen’s head back and tied her hair in place, covering her ears.

“Thanks.”

Aline nodded, and leaned against the edge of the desk, watching her work. A little weird, because she normally sat in one of the chairs, but Helen wasn’t complaining. The closeness was comforting, and somehow, Aline made it easier to understand these numbers.

“Are you okay?” Aline asked suddenly.

Helen looked up, confused. “Yes?”

Aline reached out and flicked her ponytail with one finger, and Helen turned away from her work; she had a lot to do, but this was more important. Because, even though she was okay, Aline clearly wasn’t, and that mattered more than any document.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve stopped.”

“You did.”

“Not when you told me to.”

“I don’t mind being pushed a little. Really. Maybe you can do my hair another time?”

Aline studied her for a moment, like she was trying to gauge how serious the offer was. Eventually, she said, “I’d like that. I just…wish you didn’t have to hide them.” Oh. “You’re beautiful, Helen. Every part of you.”

Helen suddenly felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes. Because Aline sounded so serious, and she was looking at her like she meant it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean t—” Helen stood up and pulled her into a hug. “Oh.” Aline rubbed circles on her back. “I’ve got you.” Helen buried her face in Aline’s shoulder and cried, and Aline was strong and steady against her. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Aline’s fingers carded through Helen’s hair, undoing the braid she’d just started. She liked playing with Helen’s hair, now — never tying it too high, never making her uncomfortable — and Helen had to admit that she liked the feeling.

But Aline had already started and stopped the braid five times, and it was starting to get uncomfortable. Helen pulled away and found a more comfortable position on the floor, putting some space between them, and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Helen shook her head. She had to push a little sometimes — not because Aline was trying to hide things, but because she didn’t think her own feelings mattered. She thought they were a waste of time. “Tell me anyway?”

Aline was quiet, for so long that Helen thought she wasn’t going to answer. “I don’t think I’m good at this,” she said eventually, quietly, and Helen knew she wasn’t talking about her hair.

“At what?”

“Dating. I haven’t— I’ve only had one girlfriend, and we were younger. I don’t know what I’m doing.” She laughed, but it sounded a little forced.

“You’re doing fine,” Helen assured her. The fake smile dropped from Aline’s face, and Helen realized what she’d said. What she’d implied. “Aline—”

“It’s fine.” And she sounded like she meant it, which was the worst part, because Helen knew she didn’t. Aline was hiding her feelings, and Helen needed to fix this now.

Aline tried to stand up, but Helen caught her wrists. A gentle grip, something that Aline could’ve broken without trying. But she didn’t pull away. “No. We’re not doing this, Aline.”

“Doing what?”

“Aline.”

“Okay. Fine.”

Helen let go of her wrists, and Aline didn’t leave. “I’ll tell you if you want.”

Aline didn’t answer, and Helen could see that she was struggling to ask. Struggling to figure out what she wanted to ask. What she was supposed to want.

“Do you prefer men or women?”

It wasn’t what she’d expected, but she said, “Neither. Most Seelies don’t have a preference.”

“How many?”

“Three that were serious.”

“More than three?”

“A couple dates that didn’t go anywhere.” She leaned a little closer, never taking her eyes off Aline. “I met my first girlfriend when I was fifteen. We were only together for a few months. People were making comments about me, and she didn’t like it. Then there was a Seelie who was ninety years older than me.” Aline was leaning closer now, like she was drawn in by Helen’s words. Like she was absorbed in her history. Helen’s heart was pounding in her chest, because this next part — she’d never shared it, and that was terrifying. But Aline felt safe, and Helen wanted her to know. “He convinced me that a Shadowhunter could never want me, and I believed him. And I dated a werewolf for almost four months.”

“So…I’m the first Shadowhunter you’ve dated since you were fifteen?” Helen thought it was supposed to be a joke, so she forced a smile.

“Yes.”

“Don’t do that, Helen.”

Helen couldn’t remember the last time someone had read her so easily. Maybe Mark had, when they’d been younger and closer and she’d been less guarded, but Aline had heard a single word, and she’d known. She’d known that Helen still wondered if those words were true. If a Shadowhunter could ever want her.

“We’re a mess,” she joked.

“We’ll figure it out together.” Aline held out her hands, and Helen took them without hesitating. Aline tugged, just a bit, and Helen shuffled closer. “He was wrong,” Aline said in a low voice, her head close to Helen’s. “A Shadowhunter can want you.” She took a deep breath, and let it out all at once. “A Shadowhunter does want you,” and the words sounded like a confession.

“It’s not usually like this,” Helen told her, and it also felt like a confession, and she wasn’t sure if she’d meant to say it.

“What isn’t?”

“Dating. It’s not like this.” And from the look on Aline’s face, she didn’t have to explain.

They shouldn’t have felt this constant need to be together, not this early. Spending a few hours apart shouldn’t have been an inconvenience. Falling asleep together shouldn’t have been more natural than falling asleep alone.

But Helen was already falling for her, and maybe none of this was normal, but she didn’t care.

Chapter Text

Helen had expected their sparring to turn into something else — something more flirty, maybe, and a little less serious — and she was glad that nothing had changed. She enjoyed the flirting, of course, but it was hard to find a sparring partner like Aline. One who didn’t judge her Seelie blood, or the way she fought because of it.

But it didn’t stop the comments. No one talked about Aldertree anymore — it was too far in the past, somehow, even though she still thought about it every day — but she was still a Downworlder. She was still unwanted.

When someone muttered about the half-Seelie corrupting the Consul’s daughter, she almost laughed, because the idea was so ridiculous, and also so close to the truth. He saw them sparring, but he didn’t know how many nights they’d spent in the same bed. They didn’t know that she’d memorized the shape of Aline’s lips. She was used to the corruption comments anyway, and they didn’t faze her anymore.

But Aline wasn’t laughing.

“Not worth it,” Helen reminded her.

“I know,” Aline said through gritted teeth. But she turned towards the Shadowhunter — Helen didn’t know his name — and asked, “Did you have something to say?”

It was her no-nonsense tone, the one that put everyone on alert. A reminder that, no matter how she looked or how old she was, she was a Shadowhunter and an authority. A hint that it could be dangerous to cross her.

And the Shadowhunter, who was at least twenty years older and six inches taller than Aline, shifted in place. “No. No ma’am.”

There was the tiniest hint of a smirk on Aline’s face. “That’s what I thought.” She turned back to Helen. “Helen,” she said in that same sharp tone, and Helen almost smiled. Fuck, she was amazing. “Let’s go again.”

“Whenever you’re ready.” And Aline took that at face value — she attacked.

After the fight, Aline followed her back to her room, and walked into it like it was hers. “You’re incredible,” Helen told her.

“What?”

“I am so lucky to be dating you.”

“You are,” Aline agreed, and Helen laughed.

Then she realized that Aline had gotten emotional over that Shadowhunter insulting them. She didn’t want to think about the implications of that; she didn’t want to be wrong, and she didn’t want Aline to decide that this was a weakness. That she was a weakness.

She gently tugged Aline towards her and kissed her, and Aline’s hands tangled around her neck. She could do this forever, she thought. She could drown in this.

Aline pulled away, just a bit. “One day, I’m going to kiss you in public.”

Helen was fairly sure that her heartrate tripled. “Are you?” she teased, and Aline’s eyes narrowed.

“Are you calling me a liar, Helen Blackthorn?”

“Just making sure I heard you correctly.”

“Well…” Helen didn’t resist as Aline backed her up to the wall, hands sliding down to her hips. “As soon as I come out, I’m going to kiss you in public. Everywhere I can.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” And she let Aline pull her into another kiss.

When Helen stepped into her room, Aline was already there, methodically searching every flat surface. She closed the door softly behind her, smiling.

Aline didn’t look up. “Do you know where I put my hairbrush?”

“No hello?” she teased.

“Hello. Do you know where I put my hairbrush?”

“In your room?” Aline rolled her eyes. “It’s on the bed.”

“Thanks.”

Helen stopped for a moment, just to watch her. Aline fit here. Her hairbrush was on the bed, and her pajamas were in a drawer, and her sweatshirt was hanging off the desk chair because Helen’s room was always colder than hers.

“Are you staring at me?”

Helen smiled. “Always.” She gathered her own pajamas and changed quickly, keeping her back towards Aline. When she turned around, Aline’s cheeks were pink, but she didn’t comment. She just walked across the room and kissed her. “I’ve been waiting to do that all day.”

“I remember a lot of that this morning.” But Aline slid her arms around Helen’s waist, pulling her closer.

“So you don’t want me to kiss you?”

Rather than answering, Aline kissed her again. Helen let Aline guide her towards the wall, but she didn’t pull away for even a second. Nothing mattered more than the way that Aline’s body pressed against hers, the way her fingers curled in the hem of Helen’s sleep shirt, the warmth of her breath against Helen’s lips. Helen pressed a hand to the small of her back, and she thought she could live in this moment.

But then Aline gasped and jerked away, breathing heavily. She leaned in again, but just to rest her forehead against Helen’s. “What’s wrong?”

“Are we going to sleep?”

Without thinking, Helen asked, “What will happen if I say no?”

“Are you going to say no?” Her voice was steady, but Helen heard the nerves buried in that question, and she would never press Aline for anything.

Helen tilted Aline’s chin up and gave her a quick kiss. “I’m not.” She pushed Aline away gently. “I need to brush my teeth.”

When she came back, Aline was lying on her side of the bed, smiling like she wanted Helen to challenge her. Helen sighed and laid down on Aline’s side, and Aline rolled over to face her. Their faces were just inches apart.

“What would’ve happened if I’d said no?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Okay.” She rolled onto her back, then back to her side, trying to get used to the way the mattress dipped. “I don’t think I can sleep like this.” Aline didn’t answer, so Helen wrapped her arms around her waist and rolled over, taking Aline with her, and dropped her girlfriend on the other side of the bed. Aline recovered in an instant and grabbed Helen’s shoulders, pinning them down against the mattress. Helen grinned up at her shamelessly. “Hi.” Aline yanked the pillow out from under her head and hit her in the face. “That was very mature.”

She enjoyed the moment of actual rage that passed across Aline’s face. “The fucking nerve—” Aline didn’t get to finish her sentence; Helen had already grabbed the other pillow and hit her back.

From there, it was chaos. Helen hadn’t had a pillow fight since she’d moved to Alicante. It had always started with one of her younger siblings screaming PILLOW FIGHT and throwing themselves at her, and somehow, this was just as fun.

She didn’t feel like a Shadowhunter. She just felt like — like herself. This was the version of her that her siblings saw. That her family saw. And Aline had brought it out by hitting her in the face with a pillow.

Helen suddenly started laughing, overwhelmed by how ridiculous it was.

“What?” Aline snapped, but the sparkle in her eyes was more amusement than anger, and she was clearly fighting back a smile.

“Nothing.” Helen tackled her down onto the bed and kissed her.

Aline tried to shove her off. “I’m still mad at you.” Helen leaned down again, but this time, Aline stopped her with a firm hand pressed into her sternum. “Are you going to apologize?”

Somehow, Aline was still intimidating like this, laying under her, wearing pajamas, her hair a mess, one cheek red from being hit with a pillow. But Helen was having too much fun to stop.

“Actually, I don’t think I will.”

Aline shoved her again, and Helen rolled off her easily, sitting up onto her knees. Aline sat up and hit her with the pillow one more time. “You’re lucky I like you.”

“I like you too.”

“Don’t flirt with me while I’m trying to be mad at you.”

“Yes, you seem furious,” Helen deadpanned. She ran a hand down Aline’s back as she said it, and Aline closed her eyes and leaned into her. “I have an idea.”

“I’m listening.”

“You have a Council meeting at six, so I was thinking we could get some sleep.”

“I like that idea.” But Aline didn’t move, and Helen knew it would be on her to get her under the covers.

It wasn’t a burden though; in fact, Helen felt honored to do it. Because, even though Aline didn’t talk about it, she’d been taught to always be on high alert. To expect an attack at any moment, and to always know exactly where she was and what was happening around her.

Right now, she was letting Helen move her without opening her eyes — she was trusting Helen with this — and it was special. Helen wasn’t going to take it for granted.

Aline seemed to gravitate towards her in bed, cuddling into her chest and wrapping an arm around her waist, and Helen wanted to fall asleep like this every night. She wanted Aline to accidentally wake her on the way to Council meetings, then kiss her forehead and tell her to go back to sleep. She wanted mock anger and late-night pillow fights. She wanted Aline to laugh and throw things at her when she made stupid jokes.

But she wanted more than that. She wanted Aline to taunt her when they sparred. She wanted the severe, no-nonsense tone that she used when she was working. She wanted the icy mask and sharp edges, even though they weren’t a mask sometimes. She wanted Aline when she was in pain, and when she refused to let herself be.

Helen wanted all of her, and that was so frightening that she almost couldn’t breathe. Aline was strong and vulnerable and smart and caring and intimidating, and Helen loved every single thing about her.

She was in love with her.

Helen released a shaky breath and brushed a hand down Aline’s back again, and Aline sighed and pulled her even closer.

“Good night,” she whispered.

“Let me sleep,” Aline murmured back, and Helen almost laughed. She wanted this.

Helen glanced up from her phone and watched Aline pull another dress out of her closet, then put it back. Then a skirt and jacket, before she frowned and put that back too. Then another dress. “What’s wrong with that one?”

“I just…can’t find anything that looks good.”

“Aline, you would look fantastic in any of those. You always do.”

Aline looked away. “You’re my girlfriend. You have to say that.” She seemed disappointed — but not with Helen. She sounded disappointed with herself, like she’d done something wrong here. Like she was somehow the problem.

Helen dropped her phone on the bed and crossed the room, and gently tilted Aline’s face towards her. “You really don’t know how beautiful you are?”

Aline blushed faintly, but she looked away. “Look who’s talking.”

Helen moved closer. Just like her, Aline looked different from everyone in Idris. More noticeably than her, most days, and Helen knew how hard she fought to act unbothered. She also knew that Aline was absolutely stunning.

“You don’t have to look like everyone else, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Aline said, and it sounded like a lie.

“I think you do.” Aline was looking at her, almost scared, and more vulnerable than Helen had ever seen her.

“Helen…” Her voice was small and tight, and she said Helen’s name almost desperately, like she was clinging to a lifeline.

“You’re beautiful.”

“You’re biased,” Aline joked, but her voice was choked up, like she had to force the words out.

“Maybe,” Helen murmured, gently tracing around the shape of her eyes, “but if I wasn’t dating you, I would be jealous of you.” Aline leaned into her touch, but she still looked uncertain. “Do you believe me?”

Aline hesitated, and Helen wanted to fight everyone who’d ever made her feel even a little different. Especially for this.

“I can try,” Aline said eventually.

“I’ll keep saying it until you do.” Aline closed her eyes and leaned forward — trusting Helen to be there — and dropped her forehead onto Helen’s shoulders. “You good?”

“Yeah.”

“Just tired?” And Helen knew that Aline would pick up on the layers in that word. She was tired of feeling different, tired of knowing she was other in some way. It felt like fighting, and it was exhausting.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. Me too.” After a few minutes, she said, quietly, “My siblings told me that you’re supposed to watch the Harry Potter movies in order.”

“What number did we watch?”

“Four.”

Aline started laughing, then straightened up and looked at her seriously. “Thank you.” Helen kissed her forehead gently, and Aline leaned into her again, one arm slipping around her waist. “We should watch the first movie.”

“They still use sticks and brooms.”

“Let’s watch it anyway.”

“We can invite Magnus. He would—”

“No.” Aline took a step back. “I want to watch it with you. Helen I—” Aline paused, like she was struggling with the words, but her eyes didn’t leave Helen’s. “I…I want to watch it with you.”

“We can do that,” she said gently, but Aline was still looking at her with that intense, unwavering gaze, and Helen felt those three words on the tip of her tongue. It would’ve been so easy to say it, and she thought that, maybe— she hoped— she wanted to know if Aline would say it back, and she was terrified to ask.”

“Good.”

Aline was fairly sure that she’d been on her way to see her mother, but she couldn’t remember why. Because she’d run into Helen, and Helen was wearing a shirt that covered her runes, and she’d pushed her hair behind her ears, and she was so brave, and so beautiful.

So Aline didn’t have any choice, really, but to pull her into an empty office and kiss her. “What was that for?” Helen breathed.

Aline tapped the spot where Helen’s runes would normally show, and she knew Helen would get the message. “I’m going to kiss you again.” She leaned in, but Helen shook her head.

“Anyone could walk in.”

“No one comes in here.” Maybe she was being reckless, but her hand was still on Helen’s chest, her fingers resting against her collarbone, and she didn’t want to back away. Besides, no one did come in here. “Don’t tell me you’re scared,” she teased.

Something dangerous flickered in Helen’s eyes, and she cradled Aline’s face in her hands, kissing her fiercely. Aline found herself stumbling back — being pushed back, really — from how intense this was. Her legs bumped into a desk, and she didn’t hesitate; she pushed herself to sit on the edge, not breaking the kiss for even a moment.

This wasn’t the first time they’d kissed like this, and it usually ended with one of them pressed against a wall, or falling onto a bed, or once in a chair in Aldertree’s former office. But the challenge seemed to have woken something in Helen, and it was all so fast, but Aline couldn’t bring herself to stop. Every inch of her skin was on fire, and she wanted more. She wanted—

She was scared of what she wanted. But she found her hands sliding around Helen’s back, pressing her even closer. One of Helen’s hands slid into her hair, and the other one started to push at her jacket, trying to drag it down her arms. Which Aline was fine with, because she was suddenly much too warm. She felt Helen’s lips against her jaw, and Aline’s hands scrambled against her back, trying to ground herself. They slid under the back of her shirt, running over smooth skin, and Aline wasn’t scared anymore; she just wanted.

The door burst open, crashing loudly into the wall, and Helen jumped back, so quickly that she almost fell. Aline’s heartrate skyrocketed; she could hear it thundering in her ears. Because her jacket was halfway off, and her and Helen were both breathing hard, and Helen had been right. Someone had seen—

She forced herself to focus. Not just someone — Alec. Alec, who was openly gay, and dating a Downworlder, and would make this public without her consent.

“Uh, hi.”

Aline buried her face in her hands. “Hi Alec.”

“We have an emergency,” he said, all business, and Aline lowered her hands. Just in time to see Alec’s smirk. “Unless you’re too busy for the rest of us.”

“We’re fine,” Aline said tersely, staring at the ground to hide her blush. She hopped off the desk and started towards the door, but Helen caught her arm.

“You should fix your hair.”

“I hate you.” Aline spoke through gritted teeth, dragging her hair tie onto her wrist.

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

Alec cleared his throat. “It’s a major emergency,” he clarified. “And I really don’t need to hear this right now.”

Aline’s face flushed scarlet, and she looked away as she pulled her hair back. A practiced, familiar motion, one that gave her a chance to breathe.

“Okay,” she said, slipping back into her role as a Shadowhunter. As the Consul’s daughter, as someone who knew the city’s defenses inside and out. She knew that right here, right now, even Alec would defer to her if she asked him to. There was a crash that sounded a lot like a demon tower, but she didn’t turn towards it like the others did. “Fill me in.”

Helen felt, more than saw, when the rift closed. The demons faltered, but didn’t quite stop, and they still weren’t safe. The demon towers were still down, and there were dozens of demons in the city. But there was finally an end in sight; she could see their numbers thinning, until finally, the air around them was quiet again.

She looked up at the sky — dark and cloudy, but not Hell-red — and then out at the city. The buildings were black and charred, still glowing red. The whole city looked unlivable.

Something slammed into her side, and then Aline’s arms were wrapped around her. “Hey, it’s okay,” Helen said gently. “You’re okay.”

Aline shook her head, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. “The city…and how many people aren’t okay? How many did we lose, Helen?”

“I know.” Helen held her tight, and Aline sobbed against her chest.

“This was my home,” she whispered, utterly devastated, and every word was as loud as a scream. Helen’s heart shattered.

“Let’s get you somewhere private,” she murmured. The people around them were staring out into the city, some of them numb with shock, some crying like Aline, but Helen knew that Aline would never forgive herself for breaking in public.

She wrapped an arm around Aline’s shoulders, and guided her back to her room, to a place where no one would come looking. A place where they could be alone. As soon as she closed the door, Aline was in her arms again, sobbing. She seemed smaller, somehow, curling into Helen’s body. “My mom,” she whispered. “And Alec. Isabelle. And—” Her voice broke, and the words were swallowed up in another sob.

“They’ll be okay.” Helen forced herself to sound positive.

“What if they’re not?” The words settled heavily in Helen’s bones, but she managed a smile. Just for Aline, who was looking at her with wide eyes. Exhausted and scared and needing reassurance, and by the Angel, Helen could give that to her.

“Do you want me to check on them?”

“We should both go.”

Helen leaned back and wiped the tears off Aline’s face. “You okay?” Aline hesitated, and Helen pulled her back in, tucking her forehead into her shoulder. “I’ve got you,” she murmured.

Aline took a few deep breaths, like she was trying to pull herself together. “I’m okay now.” She wasn’t, but Helen let her say it anyway. After Aline turned, she allowed herself one moment of fear — one moment of grief, one moment for the pain to pass across her face. Then she followed Aline out of the room.

That night, laying in Helen’s bed, the guilt started to set in. Aline rested her head on Helen’s chest and grabbed her hand, playing her fingers. Helen wasn’t rejecting her, and that was a problem. Aline didn’t deserve to be coddled.

She’d always kept control of her emotions. She’d been taught to never break down, because Shadowhunters couldn’t afford to be weak, and emotions were always a weakness. But today, watching her city fall apart — it hurt. It hurt so much that she’d lost control, in front of someone who thought she was strong.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I promise I’m not usually—”

Helen touched her chin, tilting her head back until their eyes met. “No. Don’t do that. You’re allowed to feel things.”

Aline opened her mouth, then closed it again, completely speechless. Helen kissed her gently, and Aline tucked her head back down onto her chest.

Emotions cloud judgement.

No one had ever told her that her emotions were allowed, that they were okay. Right now, in bed with Helen, surrounded by her ruined city, Aline felt safer than she had in a long time.

“Would it be crazy if I said I was in love with you?”

“No. It wouldn’t be crazy at all.”

“Okay.”

“Just checking?”

“Yeah. Just checking.”