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Dom would never openly admit it, but he suffered very bad anxiety.
It's not like he was ashamed of it.. actually, that was exactly it. He felt as if he was burdening his brother and his boyfriend with his anxiety attacks and consistent paranoia. Even though both had insisted several times that it was okay, that he shouldn't be apologizing for something out of his control, he couldn't help it.
Memories in the distant past came to haunt him, about how he would be brushed off for his symptoms and constantly yelled at or berated for having anxiety attacks. He distinctly recalled the phrase “you're too old for this” sticking in his head. It's a phrase paired with a voice he so desperately wanted to forget.
The voice of an angered father yelling at Dom to cut it out, that he was too old for this, that he needed to ‘man up’.. All the thoughts began to pile up, and along with the piling list of things he had to do and finish..
He felt his heart begin to pound. 'Oh, swords above, please don't.'
He felt his legs begin to tremble first, then it was his arms and hands. Dom scrambled to cling to himself, beginning to hyperventilate as he began to feel nauseous. He felt tears begin to well up in his eye.
'Please, stop. Don't do this to me!' He thought to himself. 'You're better than this! You can handle this, stop overreacting!' He berated mentally. He knew these thoughts originated from a man he wanted to forget, but he tried desperately to forget that fact.
He began hiccuping. 'No, stop, you're too old for this. You can handle this. Stop being a baby.' He kept repeating.
Dom began suspecting these phrases did more harm than they did to help him actually relax. The more he mentally chastised himself, the more his symptoms worsened.
The longer he told himself he was being childish, the harder he began to tremble. The more he told himself that he was overreacting, the tighter his grip in his arms became. The more he told himself that he needed to man up, the tougher it became to breathe.
Eventually all these phrases piled up like a dam, and he broke. He began to sob quietly, not wanting to disturb his brother who he knew was likely busy with work. Dom curled up in his bed and began to hiccup and sob, the trembling becoming overwhelming as the sound of his heartbeat filled his ears.
Everything felt so overwhelming, there were so many sounds and scents and sights and 'Swords, can someone please turn the phucking lights off?!'
He couldn't get up to flick the switch off, he felt as though he would trip and fall onto the floor if he tried. He didn't want to throw anything at the light switch either, that would just make a loud sound and alert Valk that something was wrong. Unless..
Dom grabbed one of his pillows and absentmindedly tossed it at the light switch, managing to flick the lights off. Breathing a shaky sigh of relief, he closed his eyes and tried to breathe. He was clinging onto a shark stuffy that he had been gifted by his beloved for his birthday while breathing in and out.
He breathed in, counted to 3, breathed out. It was good for ceasing his trembling, but it didn't change the fact his heart was racing. Dom lay flat on his back as he stared at the empty ceiling above. Tears slowly but surely made their way down his face as he attempted to wipe them away. Despite this, more tears kept showing up no matter what he did.
He was used to dealing with these anxiety attacks alone, he hated having to burden others with this. Dom was prone to quietly sobbing and crying so as not to disturb Valk, he knew exactly how to mask his shaky voice to tell his brother that everything was okay and he knew how to clean himself up after and look presentable in 5 minutes.
Dom never actually learned how to deal with the anxiety itself, though. He knew how to mask it, how to protect other people from it, but he didn't know how to protect himself from it. This realization hit him like a pile of bricks.
He realized in this moment, that so much negativity has been spewed at him for so long that he internalized it. He believed it. He genuinely thought that he was just being childish, that he could handle it, that he just needed to man up.
Dom had realized that the phrases he used to attempt to protect himself had been hurting and making his anxiety worse all along.
So, as scary as it was, he took a deep breath. With a shaky yet loud and pained voice, he yelled.
“V-Vaalk..!” He felt his throat begin to close up as he yelled the name of his brother, already regretting his decision.
He couldn't go back though. As the door to his bedroom opened, he finally had to come face to face with not just his brother but the admission that he was, in fact, not fine.
“Dom?! What's wrong?!” Valk asked, hurriedly making his way to his brother and sitting down on the mattress next to him. The purple horner demon opened his mouth and immediately gagged, slapping a hand over his mouth. The yellow horned demon immediately ran out and grabbed a plastic bag from earlier in the day when the two went grocery shopping, and a tissue box for the tears.
Valk handed the bag to Dom in case he felt anything beginning to rise up. Dom muttered a silent ‘thank you’ as he continued to attempt to soothe his breathing. Valk raised a hand up.
“Touch okay?” He asked. Dom nodded slowly and hesitantly. Valk carefully put his hand on Dom's back. He felt the purple horned demon flinch at the touch, but breathed out shakily. The yellow horned demon carefully and gently began stroking Dom’s back, as if attempting to bring him some sort of comfort.
A silent reminder, a way to say “I'm here for you, and I love you” without anything needing to be said. Dom eased slightly into the touch, the stroking helping him time how he breathed. Valk pulled out his phone and gestured, a silent question if Dom wanted to listen to music.
He nodded, and weakly signed out ‘piano’ for Valk. The latter nodded and put on Dom's favorite piano piece. It was simple, yet relaxing and melancholic. Perfect for when he just needed a moment to pause his life and breathe. All the factors currently all helped Dom in seperate ways.
The bag felt like a safety net, he didn't have to worry about getting his clothes or room dirty. The music felt comforting, it was soothing and helped him focus on something else that wasn't his racing heart. Then of course, his brother. Valk had been there to help him and set it all up.
He had gotten the bag, he has put on the music, he was rubbing Dom's back and waiting for him to calm down before doing anything else. For the first time, the purple horned demon felt as if he would be okay.
Asking for help had been a terrifying prospect. He knew his brother, and he knew that Valk would always be willing to help him. However, there was always a voice of insecurity and doubt in his head.
'What if he calls you annoying? I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with us right now. He'll tell you to just deal with it. Don't bother him, he's busy!'
Dom realizes now these thoughts likely stemmed from some deep rooted childhood trauma, but he didn't have time to unpack it all. Right now, what was important was that Valk was there. He was there, he was supporting Dom, he was there for Dom.
Dom didn't have to suffer in silence, not when his brother was there.
After what felt like forever, Dom finally took a breath and relaxed himself. The trembling slowly came to a stop, his heart rate returned to normal and the slight nausea he felt began to fade away. He looked at his brother and smiled tiredly.
“Thank you. I'm sorry.” He said quietly, voice raspy from how hard he tried to prevent himself from crying earlier. The yellow horned demon smiled sadly.
“You don't have to say sorry Dom, this isn't your fault.” He said. He kept rubbing his brother's back, letting him take his time with his sentences.
“Remembered him.. what he used to say.” The taller demon quietly said. The shorter demon frowned.
“I know it's hard..” The yellow demon began. He looked up at the ceiling. “.. It's difficult, yeah?”
Dom nodded sadly.
“It's hard. It's hard to tell myself that it's not my fault.” He spoke. Tears began to well up in his eyes again. Valk nodded.
“I understand why.” He handed Dom a tissue from the tissue box as he continued. “It’s difficult to realize that some things aren't your fault.”
Dom smiled sadly. “Sometimes I wish it wasn't as hard. It would be so easy to just say ‘these phrases suck and so do you, stop affecting how I interact with people' but it's not. In everything I do, I can feel him watching me, criticizing every little thing I do.” He wiped his tears with the tissue Valk handed him.
“It won't be easy. We both know that the things he said and the things he did had a hand in how we think now..” Valk trailed off as he thought about his own interactions with their father, but he quickly shook those off. “.. but that doesn't mean it has to define who we are. We're more than just what he thinks of us, yeah?”
Dom glanced at Valk and smiles.
“.. yeah, I guess so.”
The yellow horned demon opened his arms. The purple horned demon fell into them immediately.
“You've never been a burden to me or anyone, okay? It's fine and acceptable to ask for help, you shouldn't have to suffer in silence.” Valk said. Dom buried his face in his shoulder as he sniffled.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“Don't apologize, it's not your fault.”
The two brothers remained in the position, almost frozen in time as they appreciated each other's company. The things that were said to Dom as a child were things no child deserved to hear. They were things said out of malice and a desire to repress Dom’s emotions.
The man who said these words may be gone from Dom and Valks life, but the words he say are still there. One day, Dom thinks, there will come a day where those words will no longer bear any weight to him.
Dom thinks that one day, be it in the near or far future, the words he used to repeat to himself to harm himself will no longer be able to hurt him anymore. He prays that one day he will be able to stand up to himself and say that he is better than that man ever will be.
That day may not be today, but today he is with his brother, and they are both okay.