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1
I wiped the sweat off my forehead as I waited for the opposing team to serve the ball. The sun was directly above us and I tried really hard to ignore the pain of the heat hitting my skin. This wouldn’t have been a problem if not for our principal favoring the basketball team to use the covered gym instead of the volleyball team. But here we are.
The person served and the ball is in play. I move swiftly, finding my position as a setter. I signal the open spiker to get ready. The middle hitter came in for a quick spike, the opposing blocker biting the bait but I set the ball higher into the outside hitter and she went in for the spike. Surprisingly, the libero dug it and I mouthed shit to myself.
The rally went on. Both teams simultaneously sent the ball back and forth. I started to feel the fatigue. I can sense with my teammates too and the sun isn’t helping one bit. As the opposing team spiked the ball and my teammate tried to receive it, instead of tapping it forward, the ball went the other way.
Without thinking, I ran for the ball as quickly as I could. I watched the direction of the ball, my feet steady with every step. I can hear some people cheering along with my teammates. I smiled, sensing that I could reach the ball and save it.
I looked crazy but whatever.
Before I hit the ball, I glanced at the last second to where I was running to but it was already too late. Turns out, the crowd wasn’t really cheering, rather, they were warning me of the incoming collision.
I crashed into someone, both of us falling to the ground. The ball bounced and did a few more after until it settled on a corner. There was pain somewhere in my abdomen, where the impact had occurred. A series of groans slipped out of my lips but I’m not sure if it was me or the person under me.
I heard the whistle, signifying the end of the game. We lost. So much for running for the ball.
I used my palms to prop myself up, just enough to see who was under me. My eyes widened in surprise when I saw Ava Alonzo staring back. For a second, I felt the world stop. I watched her, very aware that our faces were inches apart. Her hair was splayed on the ground as perfectly as a painting. Her eyes, almond-shaped, curious and welcoming, held my gaze as if I were a treasure. Her dimples, subtle but evident due to the circumstance, deepened as she smiled. And her lips, soft and pink, moved in a way that mesmerized me.
“Mads.”
In all the years I knew Ava, I never noticed her like this. Or maybe I have. Hidden by many excuses, just waiting to be awakened.
”Huy, Mads.”
”Huh?” I said, pulling me out of my reverie.
Ava chuckled which made my heart skip a bit.
”Tinatanong ko if okay ka lang ba?”
I’m much more aware of how close we are. Though Ava seemed to be unfazed, I scrambled to my feet and helped her get up.
"I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you. You came out of nowhere.”
Ava brushed me off and fixed her skirt, “Okay lang. That was my fault. May training kayo dito tas eto ako pagala gala.”
She smiled cheekily which made me wonder if she really was older than me.
Para siyang baby.
“Ikaw, okay ka lang ba?” I asked her.
”Oo naman. Kita mo ngang dinaganan mo ako nang ilang minuto pero parang wala lang sa akin.”
I felt my cheeks warm up from embarrassment.
“I’m really sorry—”
Ava laughed again. The one where her eyes disappear, molars visible, and her head tilted back. She pinched my cheek.
”Joke lang. Okay lang ako. Don’t worry about it.”
One of my teammates called me and we both looked in her direction.
“Osiya. I’ll get going na. Hanap ka na nila, captain.” She saluted and then walked away.
Does she always smile like that? I watched her back, the way she walked graciously as if she were on a runway. I watched her enough to feel like a creep so I shook my head and walked towards my team.
The whistle went off again. The practice has ended.
That night, before I slept, after finishing my homework and playing many rounds of CODM with Chin and Shar, I wondered how it felt to kiss Ava on the lips.
The ball may be worth running for all along.
2
I sat in the corner of the library studying for our midterms. I scribbled on the paper for my notes to serve as my reviewer. I spared a look at my empty cup of coffee and sighed.
A few minutes passed, I heard the chair screeching beside me to find Maddie Liu occupying it. Her hair was let down like she had just woken up from one of her random naps while wearing a matching black Adidas sweatpants and jacket.
”I got you a refill,” She said making me smile.
”Sakto lagi timing mo,” I jokingly messed with her hair which made her pout and tried to swat my hand away.
”You are so makulit ate Ava.”
”You love me,” I stuck my tongue out at her and took a sip of the iced coffee she gave me. I cherished the moments like this one. Maddie—the silent angel— knew what to get me when I needed it. Sometimes I wondered if she was reading my mind.
I let out a satisfied moan after the sip.
”Oh my gosh,” Maddie was trying to hide her face from embarrassment as a few students looked our way. “Stop that.”
”What? Ang sarap kasi ng coffee mo Mads e.”
She groaned, both hands on her face. I chuckled at how cute she was.
I stopped teasing her and went back to writing my notes. She took out her book and started studying as well. Nobody said anything. I felt at peace with the quietness around Maddie. I took out my phone, plugged my wired earphones (I will never give in to buying AirPods) and gave her the other pair. We listened to the playlist we both made (and still added songs to) long ago.
I stole a few glances at her here and there. I pretended not to see that she was doing the same thing. Her red hair was a curtain to her side profile. It took enough self-restraint in me not to put it behind her ear, but thank God, like I said, as if Maddie could read my mind, she did it herself.
When it felt safe to steal a longer glance at her, I did. I watched her, aware of how our thighs touched. Her hair is bright red—a metaphor perhaps for how she could walk in and light up the entire room. Her eyes, quiet and innocent, focused on the book she was reading as if the answers to the universe were in there. And her lips, full and glossy, portrayed in a way that always mesmerized me.
I have always noticed her like this. How could I not? The number of times Maddie helped me with my problems, whether little or big, made me want to get to know her more deeply. And here she was, knowing I would stay in the library late, waiting for me to finish so we could go home together because that was just who she was. Everyone would fall in love with her.
Including me.
When it was time to go, we gathered and placed our things in our bags.
I turned to my left to get up, but Maddie turned to her right and our knees bumped. Her face was inches from mine. I could smell the coffee from her breath and something else. Mint? Her eyes were full, watching me, and for a moment I felt conscious. Naked. I broke contact, looking down to end up staring at her lips instead. I have always wondered what it felt like to connect my mouth with hers. I leaned in a bit, unconsciously, just a little, but it was enough for Maddie to notice.
She shook her head, as if getting out of a trance, and stood up first.
“Halika na ate Ava. Gabi na oh. Anjan na si kuya to pick us up.” Maddie said.
I took a deep breath and nodded. I followed her to where kuya was waiting for us. The ride was silent, not awkward, still comforting, but there was something else this time. A layer that wasn’t there before, but I didn’t put much thought into it.
When I slept that night, Maddie occupied my dreams. And when I woke, it was still Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.
3
“Do you prefer the left side or the right?” Ava asked me.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told her and she rolled her eyes at me.
“You always say that.”
“Well, it really doesn’t matter to me. If anything I’ve always been on the right side so I might as well stay there again.”
Ava smiled and made herself comfortable in bed. She tapped the right side, welcoming me.
I rolled my eyes this time.
“And you bothered to ask pa rin.”
“Of course! You’re my guest. Gusto ko comfortable ka as much as possible. Baka sabihin ni tito di kita inaalagaan. Baka next time hindi ka na payagan mag sleep over dito sa amin.” Ava said. She turned off the lampshade and left the night light on. She was always afraid of the dark, one of the things I have teased her about, but this time, I don’t as I settled in bed beside her. I stared at the ceiling.
“I don’t think he’d care enough to know if I’m home or not anyway,” I admitted. I wondered what made me vulnerable this time. I thought about the dinner with her family earlier, how they were hospitable and treated me as if I were part of their family.
“Huy, ano ka ba Mads. Tito cares for you. Tita too. They’re always just busy with work but I know they care,” Ava said, so sure of it, because that was just who she was. She liked to believe in people.
I wished I had the same heart as her.
“Do you think of the future?” I asked her.
“What do you mean?”
“Like what would it look like? Who’s still by your side after everything? Ako kasi, I tried to think of it, pero madalas blanko nakikita ko. Maybe hindi ko pa alam gusto ko? Or wala ata talaga ako future,” I laughed at the last sentence but Ava didn’t. She was quiet. The only sound I heard was the one coming from the air-conditioning. So I continued talking.
“What I’m sure is, whatever happens, I hope I’m happy and content. I hope I’m surrounded by the people I love and the ones who are important to me.”
“Do you feel like you aren’t surrounded by those people right now?”
“Well, no. Yes. Sometimes. I don’t know.”
“Does this still boils down to tito and tita not being around that much?”
I sighed and faced her. I was surprised that she was already looking back. My heart skipped a beat again. This time I didn’t swallow it down. I just let it.
“Maybe,” I whispered. I could smell the toothpaste she used, and something else. Vanilla?
Ava reached for my cheek and caressed it. My eyes closed with the contact.
“If it counts, Mads. You’re always welcome here. If your house gets too lonely, there’s always a space on the right side of my bed. It’s for you. Always for you.”
“Okay,” I don’t think I even said it, much less breathed it.
And then,
I felt her lips connect with mine. It was soft, just as how I imagined. Our bodies sync, my hand going to the back of her neck and pulling her closer. I moaned into the kiss as I deepened it. She kissed me back, our heads tilting and then out of nowhere, Ava pinned me down to her bed and she went on top of me. She kissed me again.
“Mads.”
And we kissed.
“Mads.”
And we kissed.
“MADS!”
My eyes flutter open to see Ava staring at me with concern.
“Are you okay? Nananaginip ka ata.”
“H-huh? What time is it?”
“It’s 2 AM, silly. You were saying something gibberish.”
Oh.
“Oh.”
“Do you need water? What’s up?”
“I’m okay ate Ava. Go to sleep. Sorry about that.”
I faced the other way out of sheer embarrassment, hoping she would let it go.
She did.
I didn’t go back to sleep that night.
4
“OHHHHHH!!!”
The girls said in unison as the bottle pointed to Maddie and surprise, surprise—Denise.
I watched Maddie being pushed to get up and go inside the bathroom of the hotel room Chin and Shar are staying at.
We were on a field trip in Baguio but due to the bad weather, we were forced to stay overnight in the area. The teachers were able to get ahold of our parents and the principal, saying that everyone was okay and that we just needed to let the typhoon pass.
And of course, my friends decided to sneak out, buy booze and secretly meet in Chin and Shar’s hotel room to party and play games.
Maddie was already inside the bathroom and Denise, I saw her trying to get up but failed to do so because of the amount of alcohol in her system probably.
“Guys. Maybe let Denise sit this one out,” I told them and everyone seemed to have agreed. Chin let her sleep in her bed and then everyone settled. Chin would just sleep beside Shar.
Mallory, coming out of nowhere, suddenly spoke, “Dahil out na si Denise, we’ll need to spin the bottle again! Mads is waiting in the bathroom oh.”
The bottle spun. I watched and watched and watched and…
It was pointing at me and everyone cheered. The next thing I knew I was being shoved in the bathroom as well.
“Seven minutes starts now!” Someone said from behind the door. I saw Maddie sitting by the bathtub, head resting by the wall and her eyes were closed. She was probably trying to stop her head from spinning.
I scratched my elbow, not knowing what to do. I settled by the carpet near the bathtub. I glanced at Maddie again. I wasn’t sure how many minutes passed already but I couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“You drank too much,” I told her. I hugged my knees while my head rested on my thighs.
Maddie suddenly opened her eyes and was surprised to see me in the bathroom with her.
“A-ate Ava?”
“Disappointed ka?” I looked at her apologetically and her eyes widened.
“No! Gusto ko nga eh. I mean, it’s good. Na it’s you. I mean no. Ugh,” She massaged her temple and closed her eyes once more. I chuckled at how cute she was.
“Maybe no more booze na when we come out of here, hmm?”
She nodded in response.
Another silence. This time it felt awkward. I stared at the floor, not knowing what to do. This was a first.
Maddie then cleared her throat. I glanced at her once more and it seemed that she was contemplating saying something.
“Well, I—” She rubbed her eyes with her hands, “Ithinkmaybewemightaswelldosomethingwiththeremainingminutes.”
“Ano?” I looked at her confused. I turned my body, now fully facing her, her in the bathtub still and me on the carpet by the floor.
“Ano, you don’t have to. You can say no.” A beat passed, and then she continued, “Do you want to maybe… kiss?” Maddie’s cheeks blushed the same shade as her hair which I found adorable.
I bit my lip and smiled.
“Forget it. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I think I’m drunk so just—” Maddie hid behind her palms which made me want her more.
“Maddie,” I stopped her from spiralling. She put her hands down and made eye contact with me.
“Do you want to kiss me?” I asked her.
She nodded.
“Then kiss me,” I told her. She didn’t do anything at first, but then she took a deep breath—perhaps building courage—and scooted closer to where I was. She placed both hands on the edge and leaned in.
I did the same. Our noses touched. I tilted my head and then,
There was a loud banging on the door that made us both jump.
“Tapos na seven minutes. Labas na po kayo!”
5
They don’t teach you this in school. You learn as you go through life. Sometimes I wish there was an instruction manual for this: How do you comfort someone grieving?
I sat there thinking, waiting, preparing to approach Ava. I can see the way her shoulders shook, unable to stop the sobs that came out of her no matter how hard she tried. I wish I could take the sadness out of her and share the pain. So it was less heavy for Ava, less hard for her to bear.
I thought of all the quotes and poems I read and watched about grief.
I thought of Marvel. The one where Vision said, “What is love if not love persevering?”
I thought of Fleabag. The one where she said, “I don’t know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don’t know where to put it now.”
I thought of Haunting of Bly Manor. The one where old Jamie said, “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them".
I thought about all these things and found something similar. Maybe losing someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them. Maybe you keep them in your heart and you carry on with your life, forever honoring them with whatever you do, as long as they’re in your heart.
Determined with what to say, I marched the steps towards where she was sitting. They had just buried the body. The crowd had already dispersed and Ava’s family were starting to leave the premises.
I sat beside her and waited. For what? I wasn’t sure. I waited for her to notice me. Waited for her to say something. I just waited.
I saw her dad was about to approach us, but when he saw me, there was a silent agreement between us two. He nodded and took a step back then left.
Ava was the one who needed comfort, but sitting beside her felt just like that for me.
Her glowing aura, so bright and always beautiful, usually emanated in any situation we are in. I don’t think it will show up right now.
She then straightened her posture and wiped the tears that came running down her face (many more flowed after).
“You’re here. Of course, you’re here,” Ava told me between sobs.
“Oh. Gusto mo ba umalis ako? I’m sorry–”
“No. I just—C-can you hold me, Mads? I just need you to hold me.”
All the words I wanted to tell her floated away with the wind.
I didn’t think again. I just did it. I wrapped my arms around her, not minding the thought that maybe Ava just wanted her hand to be held but fuck it, my body reacted even before I thought about it. It was like second nature to me. Like breathing when it came to her.
I held her as if my life depended on it. Make her feel that through all the ups and downs, I’ll be here. The go-to person of everyone needed a go-to person of her own. And I gladly took the place. No matter how long I needed to stay.
I held her until her sobs turned into sniffles. I took the handkerchief from my pocket and handed it to her.
“Thank you,” She said. Perhaps for the handkerchief. “Thank you for everything, Mads.”
I wondered what everything meant but I didn’t respond. Instead, I listened to her talk about how great of a grandfather her lolo was.
I walked her home. It was quiet. I didn’t bother filling the silence around us. I didn’t think she minded anyway.
When we got to her doorstep, we were facing each other.
“Do you want to come in?” She asked me.
“I think I’ll pass on the offer tonight,” I told her.
And there it was. This time I’m not stupid. I could see the way her eyes wondered, questioning whether I’d do it. She was waiting for me to kiss her. I was sure of it. It would’ve been so easy to just lean in and do just that. Instead, I hugged her again. I felt the way she stiffened, surprised by what I did. But soon, I feel her warming in the embrace.
There was a time and place for everything. This wasn’t it.
I held her.
I held her enough for me to get used to it.
I held her enough for her to feel that I loved her.
I whispered into her ear.
“It’ll be fine. I’ll be here. When tomorrow comes, andito pa rin ako. Tandaan mo yan. I love you, okay?”
”I love you too, Mads.”
We both said it. It was out there. Not how I wanted it to mean. But this will do. It will have to do.
I meant every word.
6
I watched my friends and family play charades in our living room. New Year’s Eve. We all decided to celebrate it here. The whole gang was here, save for Maddie’s parents, who were in another country with her brother.
I will never admit it, but I came up with this idea for her.
I gathered some of the used plates and placed them in the sink. As I washed them, I didn’t realize Mallory came into the kitchen and was standing beside me.
“So…” She started, hands clasped together as if waiting for the juiciest tea I’d give her. “Nag kiss na ba kayo ni Maddie Liu?”
The spatula I was holding slipped in my hands and made a loud clang in the sink.
It came out of nowhere. I squealed just enough for Mallory to hear. Maybe I had to let it out. Let the frustration out.
“Ow. Em. Ji. You haven’t?” Mallory was judging me. I could sense it.
I wiped my hands with the towel and buried my face on it.
“I—I don’t know. Parang laging bad timing? Or ayaw niya lang talaga?”
She held both my wrists and pulled them down.
“Seryoso ka dyan teh? Ikaw? The Ava Alonzo, maiinsecure?”
“Well. It’s valid. I have feelings too no.” I told her. I pouted. So much for falling in love with Maddie.
I continued washing the dishes in the sink but I knew Mallory wouldn’t let this go.
“Why don’t we play a game tas it will involve kissing and then immake sure kong kayong dalawa ang magkikiss?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?” Mallory was showing me her puppy face.
“I’m done with those games. Also, I don’t want to force her to do anything na ayaw niya.”
“What makes you think ayaw niya?”
“Feel ko lang.”
“Feeler ka pala eh.”
I placed the washed dishes on the drying rack and patted my hand dry once more.
“Look, if she wanted to, she would’ve done it na. Pero it’s okay I’m not going to force myself on her because I’m not that type of girl.”
I took my glass of wine by the counter and chugged it in one go.
“You know what? I’m gonna go to the balcony and get some fresh air.”
Mallory smirked and winked at me, “Okay. You do that.” And then she left.
I didn’t want to think any more of whatever that woman was plotting so I slipped out of the party and went upstairs to the second-floor balcony.
I rested my elbows on the railings, feeling the wind hit my face. The stars above twinkled along with the moon. There were people by the street drinking and laughing. Some were already starting their fireworks. Every house, including our own, was filled with Christmas lights and decorations which made the spirit of the holidays more compelling.
The peace felt nice. Maybe I could stay here for a while. Just enough before someone will come find me.
“Ate Ava.”
I turned around to see Maddie approaching the balcony.
“Hey. Nahanap mo taguan ko ha.”
She stood beside me and mirrored me.
“Ate Mallory did say you were looking for me.”
“Of course she did,” I rolled my eyes to no one in particular, but Mallory will for sure have an earful once we go down.
“So,” Maddie started. I waited for her to finish but she was just watching the fireworks in the sky.
“So what?” I asked her and she looked at me. Something in my chest felt warm all of a sudden. It was probably the wine.
“Why are you looking for me?”
I sighed.
“I wasn’t.”
“Oh.”
“Why haven’t you kissed me yet?” I blurted out, shocked by my revelation. Maddie seemed to have mirrored my expression too.
“What?”
I can see her cheeks blush again. I might be doing the same. I felt flushed. The wine might’ve given me alcohol courage so here I was.
“Why haven’t you kissed me yet, Mads?”
“I–I don’t know,” She ran a hand through her hair and scratched the back of her neck.
“Am I reading the signals wrong? Do you not feel the same way?” I asked.
“Wait, what? Ate–”
“Please stop calling me ate.”
“Ava. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way.”
I didn’t respond at first. I was still digesting what Maddie just said. I heard people from downstairs start to call everyone for the countdown. My eyes never strayed away from her.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“I didn’t want to tell you at first kasi best friends tayo eh. Wala dapat mafafall sa atin. I didn’t want to ruin what we had pero you make it really hard for me not to love you. Kasi why are you so perfect?”
Maddie took a step towards me.
“Why are you so pretty?”
And a step.
“Why are you always there when I need you?”
And a step. She was in my space. Heck, I could count her eyelashes if I wanted to.
“Why do you always know what to do?” My voice was barely a whisper.
She caressed my cheek and placed tendrils of hair behind my ear.
“I could ask you the same thing, Ava.” Maddie leaned in closer, eyes never looking away from mine, “Why do you make it so hard not to fall in love with you?” She asked, her voice low and husky and my heartbeat was running a hundred miles per minute.
“I—” I felt tongue-tied. I couldn’t look away from Maddie. They started the countdown.
10, 9, 8
“Ever since I met you, I felt like I’ve had a crush on you na,” She confessed.
7, 6, 5
“And now, I’m so in love with you, Ava.”
4, 3
“Kiss me,” I told her.
2, 1
And she did. Our lips met, finally , and the sky was filled with fireworks along with the feelings in our chest. I held her jaw, tilting my head and kissed her more. She did the same thing.
“FINALLY!!!!” Mallory and my other friends shouted from the street below and we broke our kiss briefly to look at them and laugh.
“Putukan na talaga!” Shar screamed and then started blowing her torotot.
“Congrats! Antagal niyong nagtaguan ng feelings oy!” Jho commented as well.
The others also said something but I couldn’t focus anymore because Maddie held my face again and kissed me once more.
There was a time and place for everything. And this was it for us.