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Baekhyun sniffled as he made his way down the dorm stairs. He made his way down to the furthest one - making his way to the back door that they used to sneak in and out when fans were on their tail and he was about to step outside when he paused, before quickly rifling through their front closet, finding the the small square box and matching slim oval object he was looking for. He hated smoking, but right now he just needed to clear his head and calm down and forget about stupid fucking Park fucking Chanyeol , and try not to cry. But as soon as he stepped outside and sat down on the cement step, he couldn't help the fat tears that began to roll down his face. He swiped his sleeve across his nose, sniffling before dabbing at his tears. He was ruining his makeup but he could care less as he opened up the small box with trembling fingers, staring at the row of slim cigarettes. He would hate himself for it later, he knew it, and part of him really didn't want to. Smoking was gross after all, but he has tried it a few times when he was younger and under stupid amounts of stress and had found it to help clear his head.
Yes, he really needed to clear his head. And calm down.
Breathe, Baekhyun. Breathe.
Honestly, this whole thing was Chanyeol’s fault. Cause he knew Baekhyun liked him, and he also knew that Baekhyun wasn’t comfortable with the world knowing about his sexuality, and if he had the option, he would just prefer to opt out of interview questions where his sexual preference was questioned or when he was asked about his ideal girl.
They had only debuted three weeks ago, and the tensions had been high in between all twelve of them. Which didn’t really help him at all, cause the one unique thing about him was that he was extremely perceptive to people’s emotions. It wasn’t just that he knew what to say or how to say it, but went to the extent that he was also able to easily detect what people were feeling, and he subconsciously reacted to people’s emotions. If he was in a group of people that were moody or grumpy, it affected him and he began to feel moody or grumpy. Which didn’t really help his anxieties about debuting and everything that came along with it, either.
However , this allowed him to easily fluctuate between personalities, to an extent. For the most part the public saw him as carefree, goofy, and to his delight he had even been nicknamed as part of the “beagle line” due to his hyperactive, but he could quickly turn on his stage persona in an instant and become what Junmyeon hyung had dubbed “sex on a stick”, all body rolls and hip thrusts and lip bites and bedroom eyes.
(Out of the public eye, he was exhausted, sleep deprived, hungry, and quiet )
But today it had kicked him in the ass.
As they had all gathered before the interview, he had felt tension. Which wasn’t knew, but this time it was different. There was something going on between LuHan and Minseok which involved a lot of shared smiles and secretive glances... and Kyungsoo and Jongin, with Junmyeon trying his hardest not to interfere, and then there was Tao and Yifan.
And it had all boiled down to a head during the interview when big mouth Chanyeol had made not one but two cracks about his sexuality - one of them being that he didn’t watch female idol’s MV’s to admire their bodies. Which had made him feel really uncomfortable (although the anger radiating off of Junmyeon towards Chanyeol had made him secretly pleased) and then of course, he had quietly stewed on it until they had gotten back to the dorms and he had confronted Chanyeol about it in the hall and he had fixed him with an amused smile and had said,
“ Baekhyun, nobody cares if you’re gay. Hell, I made out with Yifan last week and nobody gave a shit.”
Which translated as “even though you told me you like me as more than a friend and I’m the only one who you’ve talked to about being gay and I know you’re self conscious about the topic, all of your efforts have been tossed out the window.”
He couldn’t help but feel a pang in his chest “I should never have fallen so deep,” he said miserably to himself, staring at the cellphone in his hand. He tried to swallow the quiet sob that was threatening to escape his throat. Why the fuck am I so needy?
And he thought he could trust Chanyeol.
Why do I feel like as soon as you get just within my fucking reach you're suddenly miles away?
He can feel the tears start to well up at the corners of his eyes and slowly begin to spill down his cheeks.
Don't you know how much that fucking hurts? To feel like you have a connection with someone and t - then they just - one day they just casually make fun of your insecurity and crush all of your hopes and dreams and I'm suppose to act like it's not that big of a deal?
He drew in a shaky breath as he gripped the lighter in his hand tighter, trying to focus enough so that he could just light the goddamn cigarette.
Through his choked sobs he heard the door behind him open gently.
“Go away,” he muttered, his voice wavering dangerously.
“Baekhyun-ssi? Uh….. Are you alright?” He didn't recognize the concerned, gentle voice and he turned around, looking up when he noticed the tall figure that was definitely not one of their members, and he took a double take. He was surprised to see that it was one of their security staff standing there.
The perks of fame, he thought to himself sarcastically. Unfortunately and fortunately, even though they had only debuted barely a month ago, it seemed that all of South Korea had decided that they were the next big thing.
“I'm fine -” he answered, but the way his eyeliner was smudged said otherwise, and he couldn't help but frown when the security staff came and sat beside him. He didn’t want to be around someone right now, but he knew the guy wouldn’t leave him alone unless he knew he was alright.
“Why are you trying to smoke then? You know you're not supposed to do that.” The man scolded him gently, reaching over and taking the pack and lighter from Baekhyun’s still trembling hands with large, slightly callused fingers.
Baekhyun sniffled. “I just -” he dragged the sweater of his sleeve across his nose. “Boys are dumb, that's all.” He took in the faint creases near the man’s soft eyes and the dark scar on his bulging bicep that was peeking out from the sleeve of his t shirt. “But you probably know that already. You have to deal with the twelve of us on the regular.” His weak attempt at making a joke failed when the man’s eyebrows quirked into a silent question mark.
He shuffled a bit closer and rested his head on the man’s strong shoulder and sighed, his tears having stopped. This man radiated safety and security and comfort, which was really what he needed right now.
But to his surprise, there was a sudden puff of hot breath passing over his face and he felt the man laugh easily.
“Baekhyun-ssi, I'm only a few years older than you, you know?”
The smaller boy frowned. “Wait. You are? But you look so….” His voice trailed off as he experimentally squeezed a delicate hand around his bicep, tracing the scar softly, and he tried to swallow the fluttery feeling in his stomach that jumped when he felt the hard muscles underneath his fingers flex.
“Different people have different paths in life,” was the nonchalant answer he got. “Now look at me…” Baekhyun sat up, turning to face the taller male. He had to have been something close to stupid Chanyeol’s height or even taller but it still felt comfortable when he was suddenly encased in a warm hug, strong arms wrapping him in. They pulled away a second later and then rough fingers were on his chin, tilting his head up gently as the security man tried to gently dab at some of the smudged makeup.
He was biting his lip softly in concentration, and Baekhyun couldn't help but widen his eyes and stare as he stayed still obediently, and then all too soon the fingers were gone.
“There you go, Baekhyun-ssi. You look much better now!” The man’s lips quirked up into a smile, pleased with his handiwork, and Baekhyun couldn't help but feel a warm glow grow inside of him.
“Thank you,” he murmured, leaning back into the large, comforting warmth of his shoulder. He decided that this shoulder was his favourite place in the world.
“You look much prettier when you’re makeup’s not smudged, you know?”
“I’m not pretty,” he grumbled, the moment ruined.
Another rumbly laugh.
“I still never really understand why you have to get so much makeup put on you, all the time. Your skin is perfect without makeup anyways, I don’t understand why they have to cake pounds of it on....Doesn’t it actually bother your skin? Even though it’s supposed to make it look better?” He sounds so concerned that an unwilling half smile almost tugs at the corners of Baekhyun’s mouth.
“They teach us about skincare,” he replies. “And we have to be really diligent about wiping stuff off and making sure that we spend as much time barefaced as we can, really. We also have to make sure to stay hydrated and stuff.” He answers honestly, and it makes him wonder about how much their security people actually know about what goes on when they’re not ushering them from airport to car, or protecting them from fans in the street.
“It does really change your appearance, you know?” He feels fingers tentatively brush through his styled hair and he sighs appreciatively, leaning into the touch. “Especially cause when I usually see you, you’re bare faced and I can tell how worried you are from the shadows under your eyes because that means you haven’t slept well…”
Baekhyun’s a little startled by this.
“Really?” he asks curiously, and he feels the man nod his head. “Really.”
There’s a pause, and then, “You get anxious about public appearances, don’t you? And flights as well, I’ve noticed.”
Baekhyun twists his fingers together nervously - he genuinely hated flights . Not as much as he did before he became a trainee, but he was slowly having to get used to them as their managers liked to crow that they would be travelling all across the world before they knew it. (“ Soon Baekhyun! You’ll be having to take two flights a day! Two!” )
“Yeah, I do,” he admits, to no one in particular, before he sighs. “It’s hard cause I can feel when members are anxious, and that makes me anxious.”
“Hey… how about every time I have to get you through another airport, just… hold on to me, okay? I’ll take care of you.” He pats Baekhyun’s head softly, and although Baekhyun knows he’s pretty much an adult and he should be able to take care of himself he can’t help but feel oddly comforted with the way he can feel the man’s chest rise and fall with each breath, his large frame easily dwarfing Baekhyun’s smaller one, making him feel safe and protected. “If you want, of course,” the he adds on, hastily.
Baekhyun wraps his slender arms around a thick, muscular waist and shifts so that he can rest his head better on the broad planes of the man’s shoulder. He breathes in deeply, relishing in the warmth of the body beside him. The man takes that as a confirmation and wraps his arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder, tucking him deeper into his chest as he makes a soft cooing noise, and Baekhyun doesn’t even feel the least bit offended like he does when Chanyeol ruffles his hair and coos at him. Instead, he lets out a contented sigh.
He breaks the silence a few minutes later.
“Thank you,” he murmurs, against the soft material of the man’s shirt. He’s not even sure if he hears him or not when the man lets out another quiet rumble of a chuckle.
“Anything to keep my pretty little Baekhyun in perfect condition.”
It's murmured extra soft and directed into the open air, and he has to take a second to go over what he thought was said for it to process in his brain.
And Baekhyun’s glad the other can’t see the tinge of pink creeping across his cheeks or the way the tips of his ears burn ever so slightly.
They've just pulled up to Incheon Airport. It's stupidly early in the morning but fans have completely swarmed the terminal, trying to catch a glimpse of them. It's flattering, really, but it also makes Baekhyun anxious.
“Okay guys, you know the drill.” Junmyeon’s tired voice interrupts his thoughts from the front of the van. “We’re going our usual route, straight through. Wait for everyone though, okay?”
His speech is met with miscellaneous grunts of agreement. None of them are really all that awake, but who could blame them.
He tugs at the zipper of his jacket, making sure it's zipped all the way to his chin, and as the van door slides open and they get ushered into the chilly air and the air fills with the sound of screaming fangirls. He flips up the hood of his jacket and tugs up his mask, the anxiety in his throat rising, his eyes searching for the one person he knows will help him to calm down. Baekhyun finds him standing a few meters away, his head easily visible above everyone else’s and he shuffles over to tug on his sleeve like a little child trying to get their parents attention.
But he probably does look like a kid - the oversized, puffy jacket dwarfing his small frame, the only part of his face visible being his eyes. And the winter jacket that the man’s wearing does nothing but emphasize his height and broad shoulders.
His favourite security guard turns around, a brilliant smile stretching across his face when he sees Baekhyun standing behind him, insistently holding onto his jacket sleeve.
“Baekhyun-ssi!” He greets Baekhyun easily, and Baekhyun is glad that the mask covers his mouth so people can’t see the way he's chewing on his lower lip nervously.
The man briefly turns around and finishes his conversation and then his full attention is on Baekhyun again.
“Are you ready to do this?” He asks, his eyes searching Baekhyun’s own, and Baekhyun gives him a barely perceptible nod.
“Come on!” He reaches over and squeezes his arm gently. “You got this.”
He forces himself to stand a bit taller, taking a deep breath through his nose.
I can do this.
It's only when the man goes to walk away and accidentally jerks his arm that he realized that he's still gripping onto the man’s jacket.
It’s been months and by now the other members are starting to notice.
They understand, for the most part.
“Yah, hyung,” it's Jongin, leaning across the aisle of the airplane as they prepare to take off. “Don't you think your thing with following the security-nim around like a puppy is getting a bit…. I dunno.” He tails off suggestively, gesturing with his hands. “People are starting to take notice?”
Baekhyun gave him a dark look. “He makes me feel safe,” he shoots back defensively, ignoring the way his heart flutters.
A suggestive smirk appears on Jongin’s face. “It's cute though, the way you cling to him. Sometimes I see him look at you really possessively. You two must have a really good relationship,” he adds.
Baekhyun feels his face grow hot and while he struggles with words Minseok, who's sitting beside him, leans over.
“Jongin-ah,” he interjects sweetly. “You know that stuffed rabbit that you always bring with you when we go to hotels?”
If Baekhyun isn’t mistaken, Jongin pales a few shades.
“The next time you tease your hyung about what makes him feel safe, Nunu might disappear for a few days,” Minseok finishes, raising his eyebrows in a way that has Jongin shutting his mouth and shrinking back into his seat.
Beside him, Sehun is covering his mouth, his shoulders shaking silently as he tries as best he can to stifle his laughter.
He's been on a hundred flings by now, if not more. His anxiety, for the most part, is almost gone.
He still remembers when his security guard pressed a slip of paper into his hand that one time. (“It's my number. Just in case you ever need to get in contact with me.”)
And he's even used it a few times, texting him questions here and there about their travel information, trying to desperately squash the butterflies in his stomach that flutter around nervously whenever he gets a reply. Or whenever a large arm snakes its way across his shoulders.
Or whenever he sees that smile, making him feel like he's basking in a beam from the warmest sun.
But tonight it's a little bit late and he's a bit tipsy - and the extra bit of liquid courage is enough to face up to the facts when he's lying on his bed in the dorm rooms. It's the middle of summer, the faint whirring of the small fan in the corner of the room he shares being the only other sound besides his breathing.
He fumbles with his phone, nearly dropping it on the ground.
“ Shit ,” he curses to himself briefly, before finding who he's looking for in his contacts and successfully pressing the “dial” button.
There's three rings, and then someone’s picking up the phone and there's a familiar voice on the other end of the line, groggy and clouded with sleep.
“ Hello? Baek…… Baekhyun-ssi? Is everything alright? ”
(He feels a bit guilty, but that will have to wait until the morning.)
“Security oppa?” He murmurs breathlessly into phone. There's silence on the other end of the line. “Do you believe in destiny?”