Chapter Text
even in the warmth of chenyu's arms, binghua couldn't escape the constant worry flooding his mind. he couldn't bring himself to sleep, no matter how late it was, since the eliminations were tomorrow. and no matter what happens then, he's sure it'll leave him feeling even worse.
he knew that, realistically, he didn't have to worry about his own rank; but lately, with how the production staff and the public were treating him, there was no way of knowing whether or not he'd maintain his position. he could fall down at any moment, and that fact kept him on his toes at all times, always worried about what people thought of him.
the trainees weren't really allowed to watch the broadcast, of course, and didn't have the time to, either, but some of them found their way around that through social media. and no matter how hard it hurt whenever binghua saw criticism aimed towards him, he couldn't stop compulsively searching his name.
i know i'm not as good as the others, he'd thought to himself, but why are they this harsh?
do they see me as an easy target?
he'd voiced these concerns to chenyu many times over the past few months. binghua felt comfortable being vulnerable with him; chenyu was so warm, so understanding.
even when binghua was falling apart at the seams, chenyu was always there to put his pieces back together.
wu chenyu was one of the only reasons binghua was able to stay stable. and, even more than he worried about himself, binghua was scared for what would happen to chenyu in the morning.
he'd do anything to keep chenyu with him, to bring him along to the finals. but he can't change the ranks, can't change the fans' minds. all binghua could do was pray for a miracle.
chenyu didn't seem as worried about his predicament; it may have been an act to keep binghua from worrying. whenever his rank was brought up, that looming "34", he brushed it off, assuring that he'd be okay, whatever happens.
he wasn't going to be okay. binghua couldn't help but think it.
so even as he lay in his dorm bed, chenyu behind him and holding tightly onto his waist, binghua couldn't shake the feeling that this would be the last time they spend the night together for a while. he had to hold back tears when chenyu ran a hand through his hair, leaving gentle scratches on binghua's scalp.
chenyu seemed to sense binghua's unease, somehow; he knew him so well. "binghua?" he called out softly.
binghua quickly dabbed beneath his eyes before turning to face him, "hm?"
"nothing," chenyu smiled sweetly, "just wanted to see you."
binghua felt a surge of warmth reach his heart, breaking through the worry, even if it was just for a second. "why?"
"pretty," chenyu replied plainly.
a lot of people called binghua pretty – which wasn't a vain statement, just a fact – but something about the way chenyu said it always made binghua feel a certain way.
their relationship was complicated. they weren't dating, per se, but with the amount of alone time they spent together, it was beginning to get undeniably intimate. the other trainees had made comments about it before, but the two of them mainly just laughed it off.
binghua liked chenyu. he just wasn't sure if it was in a romantic way or not. and if he did like chenyu like that, what could he do about it? because if chenyu didn't reciprocate, binghua would lose his safe place.
that was the least of his worries lately, with how quickly the show was coming to a close. but his unsure feelings were always at the back of his mind whenever chenyu gave him a look from across the room, or they held hands, or they had late night conversations.
"are you feeling okay?" chenyu asked, brushing a strand of binghua's hair behind his ear.
"mostly," binghua sighed, "just worried, you know."
"don't be," chenyu insisted.
"you know it's not that easy," binghua said.
"i wish it was. i don't like it when you're stressed."
"me either."
chenyu frowned, pulling binghua further into his embrace, "what can i do to help?"
binghua shrugged, "i don't know," and felt tears begin to brim at his eyes once more.
chenyu noticed. and he didn't mind, didn't judge him like binghua had always experienced with others in the past. chenyu just pressed his hand up to binghua's back, rubbing slow circles, a gesture that silently told him, i'm here. you'll be okay.
and although it didn't stop his tears from falling, binghua felt safe, felt cared for. felt loved. and he couldn't bear to imagine continuing on without chenyu.
"i'm really scared," binghua choked out, "about tomorrow."
"i understand," chenyu paused, expression thoughtful and gaze soft, "but really... don't torture yourself by overthinking it, okay? you can't control what happens."
"i wish i could. i wish so badly. i don't know what i'm going to do."
"you'll be fine. trust me."
binghua took a deep breath before responding, "i'm more worried about you."
"i gave it my all," chenyu sighed, "if that doesn't help, i guess this just wasn't meant to be."
"i want it to be meant to be," binghua interjects, "us... being together. you know?"
"i know."
neither of them spoke for a while. chenyu moved his hand back to binghua's head, patting it soothingly as his crying calmed down.
"it won't be over if we don't make it. i promise," chenyu spoke softly.
binghua didn't want to continue being negative. he'd been told for a long time that he's too emotional, and it made him struggle to express how he felt. and when he finally did speak his mind, he struggled to do so without feeling bad; feeling like he was a burden.
so, instead of saying i'll miss you, he mumbled, "okay."
"i'm not saying it will be," chenyu started, "but just in case this is our last night for a while..."
at those words, binghua buried his head further into chenyu's shoulder. he didn't like to think of that possibility. but he listened on,
"let's make the most of it. okay?"
binghua nodded, hooking his arm around chenyu's neck.
all they could hear was the sounds of each other's breathing, and the low hum of the fan. binghua chose to tune out the sound of hanbin's snoring from across the room, begrudgingly, but it was the least he could do to make up for how hanbin never interrupted the two of them otherwise. (except for the nights he brought minseo into their room. not fun times.)
a minute or so passed, neither binghua nor chenyu saying a word. they eventually shifted position, making them face-to-face.
although he didn't intend on it, binghua found himself looking at chenyu for a while. admiring, memorizing his gentle features. he'd done this before, sure, but something about it was different this time. whether it was the soft light coming from the window, painting the contours of chenyu's face even prettier, or the fact he was so unsure of whether they'd be like this again, binghua found himself paying especially close attention; like he was committing chenyu's looks to memory.
he met chenyu's gaze after a while, and binghua smiled as soon as he saw chenyu's own lips turn up into a grin.
chenyu's presence made binghua's anxiety melt away.
chenyu was right; no matter what happened, they'd be connected. he had a premonition, that whether it was here or somewhere else, they'd be together somehow.
this felt right, like binghua fit perfectly into chenyu's embrace, like their minds were in sync. that they balanced each other out perfectly.
"hey," chenyu said quietly, "could i maybe... try something?"
binghua, still looking into chenyu's eyes, let out a sound of confusion. "like what?"
chenyu brought his hand on binghua's head closer. slowly, tentatively; like he was questioning his own motives.
binghua felt his heartrate pick up when chenyu brought his head closer.
he brushed binghua's bangs aside, pressing his lips to his forehead.
it lasted for two seconds, at most, but the effect it had on binghua could've lasted for two years.
as chenyu leaned back, he scanned binghua's face right away, looking for any sign of discomfort, but was only met with binghua's wide eyes and small smile.
"did you..." chenyu said, but he was seemingly unable to finish his thought.
binghua still felt like he was on a high from chenyu's kiss. he fiund himself responding, without a second thought, "i really like that."
"you did?" chenyu asked, expression still unsure.
"yes," binghua encouraged, "could you maybe... again?"
chenyu's lips gaped open a little, taken aback. it seemed like he wasn't expecting that sort of response, "yeah."
"but," binghua blurted out, before chenyu could move his head back up again.
for an entire 2 months, he'd been questioning his feelings about chenyu. but somehow, in that specific moment, he became brave enough to suggest,
"could you do it..." binghua mumbled, his bravery dwindling pretty quickly.
he found himself looking down at chenyu's lips, subconciously. but he couldn't muster the courage to ask, could you kiss me for real?
for once, chenyu didn't seem to get binghua's hint. in defeat, binghua continued, "ah- you can go ahead."
chenyu nodded, his smile clearly showing a bit of concern now, "you sure?"
"very."
chenyu laughed, looking into binghua's eyes for a few more seconds before bringing his lips back up to the crown of binghua's head.
it was blissful. such a small gesture, but with each second that chenyu's lips were on binghua's skin, he could feel more and more of his worries drifting away.
he still couldn't find it in him to ask chenyu for more, though.
tomorrow i will, binghua assured himself.
when chenyu pulled back, he brought himself to hold binghua to his chest again.
"it's late. should we sleep?"
"maybe."
like every night they spent together, chenyu asked, "need anything?"
and, with a smile, binghua replied, "nope. just you."
each of them held the other tightly, like they could disappear at any moment. binghua told himself again,
i'll ask for another kiss tomorrow. it'll make everything feel better.
so, with not another thought about the looming eliminations, binghua fell asleep to the lull of chenyu's steady heartbeat.
it'll be okay.