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More people than he could count in a room together, Kieran and Seamus running around the house with their dad going after them making sure they weren’t breaking anything, laughter everywhere, music coming from someplace he was trying to figure out. He wasn’t used to all of that.
Olivia was in the kitchen helping Kathleen serve the mashed potatoes into a bowl when she noticed how Noah was just looking at everything that was happening before his eyes, and she began to worry that maybe this hadn’t been a good idea after all.
“Noah?” Her son turned to look at her when he realized his name was called.
“Yeah, mom?”
“Are you okay, sweetie?” Liv said with a worried look on her face.
All of this was a little overwhelming, for sure, but… not in a bad way? Noah was still trying to figure that out. The thing was, as an only child, growing up Noah didn’t even think celebrating Christmas could involve so many people. Liv knew that; she knew her kid was, not just starting his teen and most difficult years, but also facing some changes in their family dynamics and in his mom, especially as she faced her own fears. Were all of these changes too much for him? For them?
The first Christmas Olivia spent with baby Noah was when she was still fostering him, and she couldn’t believe she was celebrating it with her own family. It was a family of two, but it was hers and, suddenly, she didn’t hate the holiday anymore.
It was the first time she had put some effort into decorating her apartment and buying gifts, instead of feeling like she had to just because it was what people expected. Her mood around those dates changed dramatically, too. Even if Noah was too little to understand what it all meant, the only thing Olivia could think about was his face when he saw all his brand-new, shiny toys.
Little did she know Noah would become obsessed with an old Christmas ornament, a little train made of wood that was several years older than him. Olivia remembered where that one came from. It was an ornament that Elliot had brought to the precinct sometime in the first years of their partnership, when the squad had decided to put up some decorations to try and lift their Christmas spirits despite what they saw every day.
Elliot had loved that train, but Kathy had told him it was just too old and didn’t go with the decorations she wanted to put up anyway, so he had brought it to the precinct, and every year it had a special place there. But when he left without a word, he left that train among his belongings too, and Olivia had taken it with her, as one of the memories she had held onto to remember their years as partners.
“Hey, baby, what do you have there? You really like that, huh?” The only response that came her way was a mix of laughs and babbling noises from her son, who was just smiling and looking at the ornament like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
“Yes, El really liked that train too,” she said with a melancholic smile.
Out of all the shiny ornaments, Noah had chosen that one, and, even though it made her feel sad, she also saw it as a connection between her son and one of the most important people in her life, someone who had wanted her to be a mother nearly as much as she had wanted it.
It started with Christmas, just her and her son,
A train that amazed him, he'd watch it run.
Though the toy was enough to light up his eyes,
Olivia kept buying, her love never dies.
Slowly, Olivia got used to their Team Benson holidays and to Noah directing all his attention to the little wooden train ornament that she couldn't imagine not hanging from the tree every year. It had actually become a sort of Team Benson tradition: Olivia would hide the little train somewhere among the tree's branches and Noah would look for it, enthused. Unfortunately, the lead up to Christmas took a turn for the worse the year Noah was kidnapped, and Olivia felt like her world was shattering into pieces once again. Just when she was coming around to the idea of her son having more family than she ever had, Sheila had ruined everything by taking him away, and left Olivia scrambling to answer Noah's questions about why grandma wasn't around anymore.
“Where’s grandma Sheila? I miss her,” Noah said with a sad look in his eyes, and it broke Olvia’s heart not being able to give her son something he clearly wanted.
“She’s sick, sweetie, she’s in a place where she can get better,” and far away from you , she thought.
The holidays were meant to be a time of happiness and celebration. For Olivia, though, they were also now a reminder of one of the most terrifying moments of her life, when she had really thought she might not see her boy again. After they returned home from New Hampshire, Olivia had taken time off work to be with Noah and, as Christmastime approached, she had felt even more thankful for her little family.
Funnily enough, that was one of the first Christmas Noah remembered; and he recalled his mom hugging him at every moment, how she got a little bit lost in her thoughts from time to time, and how tears shone in her eyes even if she had tried to hide it. Noah loved his mom so much because she always did her best to give him everything, like their Team Benson Christmases and the traditions that she had created for the both of them to enjoy together.
A Christmas of two was quite a delight,
Though a bigger family seemed nice.
But this was still perfect, he wouldn’t complain,
With aunties and uncles, he'd surely gain.
Olivia’s team would spoil him with cheer,
And he loved every moment, year after year.
“Mom, can I have a PlayStation 5 for Christmas?” Noah asked one day in the car when Olivia was taking him to school.
“We’ll see, sweetie,” Olivia replied, unsure of what her answer would be. Sure, she could afford a game console but some might call her old school–she still managed Noah’s screen time a lot. She didn’t trust those things and she thought maybe next year would be a better time.
As the years had gone by, Team Benson’s Christmas kept its traditions, although some of them did change a little bit as Noah stopped being a cute little kid that believed Santa came to his home in the middle of the night and left presents. The wooden train Olivia still refused to throw away was always the last ornament on the tree, and Noah was the one who placed it. Her son might be all grown up, but that little ornament was still one of his favorite things.
Noah suddenly telling Olivia he had found his half-brother shook up their holidays. He wanted to meet them, he told her. Damn Fin and the gift card he gave to her son and damn the DNA website Noah used it for. What had happened to traditional gifts anyway?
So that December, they met the McCanns, and the perfectly normal family they had made some of Olivia’s old fears resurface. Had she deprived her child of having a family? A better one? One with two parents that could provide him with lots of love, a life in the suburbs and with a job that wasn’t like hers? A real family?
“I love you, mom. Merry Christmas.” Noah’s voice was the first sound she heard, as always, on the morning of December 25 th , as he woke her up with a hug and his excitement, signaling another Christmas morning of opening gifts and drinking hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows.
“Merry Christmas, baby! I love you so much. Ready to open your gifts?” Olivia responded, matching her son’s enthusiasm. Her fears were a little less overwhelming when she still had moments like these with Noah.
“Yes!” Her son replied as he jumped out of bed and went running to the living room.
She was still unsure about the McCanns and what they would bring into her and her son’s life, but what she and Noah had no one could take away.
She wondered what the McCanns might bring,
But what she and Noah had was a cherished thing.
A love so pure, no one could take away,
Together they'd stand, come what may.
“How would you feel about it not being just the two of us this Christmas?” Olivia finally asked when they were about to finish dinner. Noah could tell she had been in her head the whole time and that there was something bothering her. He wanted to ask, but he thought maybe, like most of the time, it was because of a case she was working on, and she always wanted to protect him from her day-to-day work, barely telling him about it.
“Are we going to the Carisis?” Noah asked with a strange look on his face. Why was his mom so nervous about it? It wasn’t like they hadn’t celebrated the holidays with them before.
“No, not the Carisis, baby. We’ll have Christmas here but... I was wondering… if it’s okay with you, would you like for Elliot to spend Christmas with us?”
There, I said it , she thought and felt relief flood through her.
It’s not that Noah didn’t know about his mom and Elliot; he definitely did. Elliot and Olivia started dating months ago, and Noah thought he could even pinpoint the exact moment when it happened because he had seen the change in his mom. She was smiling more, and had also started asking Noah how he would feel about her dating someone. Not obvious at all , Noah had thought.
At the beginning, Olivia had been really cautious about her and Elliot’s budding relationship. It had taken her some time to be comfortable letting Elliot and Noah spend more time together—her son did get easily attached after all—but they had gotten there, and Noah really liked spending time with Elliot. Plus Olivia loved seeing the two main men in her life interacting.
“Oh, that would be cool,” Noah said, a bit surprised to begin with but immediately warming up to the idea.
Olivia’s relief hit a new level at her son’s response and, although some of her fears were still in the back of her mind, she felt very hopeful about this new thing the three of them were embarking on.
And, just like that, it was Christmas 2023 when the holidays started to change for Noah Porter-Benson, and even more so for his mom. He noticed his mom getting more and more nervous as Christmas approached, and how she second-guessed every single article of clothing she owned when deciding what to wear for that particular day.
The moment Elliot arrived with his mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows, Noah noticed how the look in his mother’s eyes matched Elliot’s. They looked at each other like they hung the moon and it was so much fun to see.
After a while, as the three of them were enjoying opening presents together and Elliot was telling Noah Christmas stories, something on the Christmas tree caught Elliot’s attention.
“Hey, you had this the whole time?” He asked as he approached their tree and picked up the ornament he thought had long been forgotten.
“Yes, it’s Noah’s favorite, actually,” Liv replied, feeling her cheeks flush a little bit as she explained to Elliot how Noah had gotten so attached to that little train from the moment he saw it. “He always hangs it on the tree. It’s the last ornament to be placed on it.”
“I love it,” Elliot commented, a little moved by the story and by how Liv’s kid had shared something with him without even knowing it. “So, Noah, you want to know a little story about the Christmas when I brought that train into the precinct? It was chaotic.” Elliot smirked while he remembered their attempts at being festive in the 1-6 and how a lot of things had gone wrong.
“Of course!” Noah replied enthusiastically.
The three of them started something new,
At first it was scary, but Liv just knew.
She took a chance, though fear was strong,
And found that she’d been right all along.
A Benson-Stabler Christmas, full of light,
Didn't seem so scary, but pure delight.
After everything they had gone through, their Team Benson Christmas had somehow morphed into this, and Noah knew their next Christmas would be very similar to this one. He wasn’t mad, he was just adjusting to his mom and Elliot being together and to Elliot’s family, but he felt the same happiness as before.
He looked his mom in the eyes and said:
“I’m good, mom. It’s just that Christmas wasn’t like this when I was a kid.”
“Oh, so you’re not a kid anymore?” Olivia asked teasingly, knowing very well her son hadn’t seen himself as a kid for a while now. He was still her baby, but of course, she didn’t say that out loud.
“But you know what?” She added in a whisper, getting closer in complicity.
“What?”
“Christmas wasn’t like this when I was a kid either,” she added with a wink before standing back up when she realized Elliot was coming their way.
“Hey, is everything okay here?” Elliot asked as he walked up to Olivia and Noah, a worried look on his face.
“Yes, El, everything is great,” Olivia told him with a reassuring look. Getting closer to Elliot to hold his hand, she said, “Just a little different. Right, Noah?”
“Yes, we’re all good,” Noah assured him. “Oh, I almost forgot. Elliot, can I put a last ornament on the tree?” Noah asked excitedly while rummaging through his pocket.
“Of course. Did I miss a spot?” Elliot said, looking at the big Christmas tree in his living room, wondering if Noah thought it was too empty for his liking.
“No, it’s just a tradition I’d like to keep,” Noah said at the same time as he pulled out the little train ornament that, once upon a time, baby Noah hadn't been able to stop playing with. It was still so very special to him.
“Here is perfect,” Noah pointed out, and he placed the wooden train next to the Liv, Laugh, Love ornament that Elliot had also kept close to him since the moment Liv had told him to keep it.
“Yes, I think it is,” Liv agreed, watching those two little decorations that meant so much to her sway next to each other. They represented important parts of the history she shared with the two most significant men in her life. “You both have a thing for Christmas ornaments or something?” She added with a laugh.
“What can I say…” Elliot chuckled back. “We’re men of traditions.” He wrapped his arms around Liv’s waist and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “And I hope we get to make many more together.”
Things changed, but some things stayed the same,
Celebrations always bring joy, no matter the name.
A chance to be happy, with loved ones so dear,
Whether two or a crowd, the love’s always near.
Liv now knows it’s not numbers that make family true,
It’s the love that you share, in all that you do.