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Light started to filter trough the windows unannounced, slowly making it's way into Todd's already open eyes, visible eyebags and the weight of another restless night crushing onto him.
It was nothing new, he always had trubles sleeping since he was 4 years old when his father decided he was old enough to deal with his nightmares alone; now Todd laid awake rethinking of those long nights, his own bed felt like a prison he couldn't escape.
He wondered how Neil could fall asleep so easly anywhere, how could his brain just shut off and not let the hundreds of stray thoughs take over him?
It was barely 5:45, their shared allarm wouldn't ring for another 45 minutes roughly and all he felt like he could do in that death sentence called inosmnia was stare at either the celing or the wall, watching Neil sleeping, even if tempting, would have been an exremely weird thing to do, so the other wall was crossed off the list.
He analized already every word in their room left by the people who previously inhabited their dorm, every poster that hanged loosly on their wall, every initial carved into the bedframe. Todd always wondered about those, how did people get to meet girls in there? Not everyone could be as lucky as Knox, finding an unfortunate girl almost by accident on his doorstep. Maybe the pointy "S" writen on top of his head wasn't even a girl at all, that would have made much more sense, but then again it didn't, nothing in the word of "love" ever made any sense to him and always left him in a haze of confusion, he always felt like an outsider when he heard Charlie or Knox talking about girls, he recognized how love worked, how he was supposed to feel, but it just never did: not when charlie brought those chicks he fond god knows where and not when he was in 2nd grade having to reject a girl who confessed to him.
Every tick of the clock felt like a pump of heroin was shot in his veins, every second his eyes felt harder and harder and harder to blink, as if he had milions of grains of sand making it not just hard but painfully impossible to close. Lips dry and limbs cold, It was his second day without an ounce of sleep, every hour weighted more and more on his eyelids who didn't seem to cooperate anymore, they stopped trying to after the first night.
When you're in this state time works differently, you're not sleeping, but you're not entirely awake either, everything you do feels like someone else is doing it for you from a 3rd person point of view, you are not in control of your own actions, a hour can feel like 3 or can snap away in less than a few seconds, after a while you start to question everything around you, including your own sense of self, reality and the way things turn around you.
By the time the allarm went off Todd was already done getting dressed, everyone went quietly along their way except for a few occasional questioning glances during Keting's lesson fron Neil, his blodshot eyes and pale skin color wasn't making it hard to guess it had been a while since Todd last slept or ate something.
During lunch is when the real first problems started to rise, just the tought of food could make him puke, the sight of the same portion of unidentifiable food for the millionth time this week made him almost want to shove two fingers down his throat. Then he stopped. The lack of energy intake made him feel exausted, unable to form safer thoughts about everyday activities, yet not enough to collapse on the table. Neil scooped closer to him, nudging his left side to grab his attention just to then whisper into the back of his ear "Are you sure you're alright? Do you need to lie down?"
His heart stuttered and his mind had a golden mist hovering over it for a few sparse seconds, the feeling of his breath right against his bare skin sent him shivers, the sound of his lips parting reverberated trough his skull.
Todd wanted to rip his face off, he wanted to blame all this on his mind, he wanted to blame his exhaustion, but the truth still lingered in his heart, he knew there was nobody else to blame but himself. It wasn't some newfound truth, it had been slow and gradual but that didn't make it any less hard or any less terrifying.
He tried making it go away, he tried ignoring Neil, usuccessfully, he tried making himself stare at the pretty girls on Charlie's posters but nothing. Nothing worked. Nothing seemed to calm the everlasting butterflies scattered all troughout his body, from his stomach to his mind, he was unfixable, discarded by god, not heaven nor the purgatory had a place for those like him, just Hell did.
And it kept him awake, slowly lowering him to the insanity of his own head.
And as a lesson followed another the time they finally turned their lights back off was approaching, and the feeling of dread started creeping back from underneath his feet making it's way to the veins of his neck. He tried looking busy by staying up late studying trigonometry for hours on end without making any progress, but he didn't wanna bring Neil down with him by making him stay up later than needed, so he turned the lights off, climbed to bed and closed his eyes hoping for a miracle.
"Todd?" as a matter of fact it was a scientific research that outside stimuli could make falling asleep a lot harder than needed, Todd ignored Neil praying that this will result in an actual night of sleep.
"Todd, what's up? I know you're awake...."
"It's nothing important , i can't sleep" and he hasn't been able to for the past 2... oh wait, now almost 3 consecutive days.
"Noticed" silence fell once again upon the oom, casting a slight shadow over Todd's mind, putting it at ease enough for him to overthink every single out of place breath Neil casted, but not enough for him to finally fall into his well deserved obivion.
"Todd, what's wrong?"
"I-I Told you, I can't sleep." not a lie, just omitting part of the truth.
"Can't be just that, something's bothering you apparently"
"It's nothing, just... let me be, ok?" Sleep deprivation was making it incresingly difficoult to maintain at heart his emotions, one of which was an emotion that was making it particoulary difficoult to hide the sappiness in his voice. Is that even a word? Must be.
"No i wont? Do you even know me?" And Todd knew him too well, he knew he was not gonna give up on him just because he asked nicely.
"Why are you up then?"
"I can't sleep knowing you can't" He hadn't mentioned his little sleeping problem to Neil before though, hadn't he? So either it was really apparent or Neil could see right trough him and his countless masks as always.
He always wondered how they menaged to grow so close in such little time, they were not a pair that would have bonded so strongly if it wasn't for the fact that they shared almost every living moment toghether. But was it really just that? It couldn't be it, was it really just the memory of a room that kept them togheter or was there like some weird kind of soul connection? Todd can't help but wonder where he'd be withot Neil, probably sleeping.
"I sometimes feel like i'm my worse friend and my own best enemy"
"What makes you think that?"Neil asked concerned.
"I find myself alone in my own mind and it feels like sometimes that's what's gonna finally get me and choke me." A million wondering thoughts darshed trough his head, hitting every corner of his skull making his senses hyperactive to every fabric he was tuching, every smell (from the new perfume Neil started using a few days prior to the faint smell of some burnt toast coming from the floor below). He was sure his head was gonna explode.
"Is it weird?" Todd finally asked sitting up.
"It would be pretty hypocritical of me to find it weird" Hypocrisy, that word immediately brought him back to that summer in 6th grade: He was out talking about nothing in particoular with Jeff, that was one of his most prized memories, they weren't a national award winning student and his brother, but just Jeff and Todd. That might have been the last time they truly ever saw echother for who they really were.
"Hypocrisy, that's always been a weird concept to me" He remebers his brother words, all ruffed up and not so carefully choosen as they always seemed to be"Everyone of us is a hypocritical asshole, the least we can do is admit it, by not aknowledging it you're only making yourself more hypocritical." Todd quotes.
"Mhm? What do you mean? "
''Yeah, i mean, we all are deep down, the least we can do is admit it''
''But what if someone wasn't? It would be hypocritical of them to say they are when they really aren't'' It was just like back when he was 11, when nothing really felt that huge yet everything did. It put his mind at ease for a moement, a graceful moment after days of agony.
''But that's the point! We all are deep down, but we still all are, otherwise you're just lying to yourself, no need to be ashamed, the ones that are least problematic are the ones that admit it, Socrates had a similar concept i belive, it's silly i know...''
''Never tought of it that way''
''Not many do'' Todd answered honestly, he wasn't annoyed, far from it, it felt trangely conforting knowing he was sharing such an intresting conversation with Neil and the reminder of his memories.
''That's what has been bothering you?''
''I mean... more or less, a part of it sure... why not.'' words were just flowing out, he felt proctected, safe, seen, he felt like he could actually share his deepest parts of his soul with Neil without regretting it later or risking that the whole school knew by the morning.He felt less heavy, He felt like his heart was struggling to complete everyday functions beacuse of those choccolate eyes looking at him trough the dark night, pupils blown with a look of pure compassion. Is this what love felt like? Yes, yes it was.
''What else then?''
''Love''
''What about it? Have you got your eyes on someone?'' They were entering a new territory, one that's never been walked on in their short but intense friendship. Neil's eyes dimmed a little by the question, some might have found it peculiar, Todd was one of them.
''I never understood it properly''
''Oh'' Even a simple Word that made too much ai escape his lips could make Todd's heart do miracles.
''I never had any desire to kiss any girl before, never had intrest in getting with anyone, but...''
''Before what'' before september 22nd. The day i met you.
''I-that's not relevant''
''It is to me'' Neil had so much power over him it was embarassing, he could have asked him for all the moons and the stars in the sky and Todd would have give them all to him no questions aked. For a moment the memory of those walks back from the cave came back to him, hand in hand dunkenly naming the constellations in the sky (Todd actually studied the consellentions before, he just wanted to create a new sky for him to look at and think it was just his and Neil's.)
''Why?'' How could a simple qestion hold a million answers he'd never know. Maybe it was just his jagged emotions speaking, altered by his non exisent sleep schedule.
''I am the one asking questions here!'' touchè
''Anyways... why does it feel like such a big word. You can't not talk about it, but at the same time you can't talk about it.''
It alway feels so wrong talking about you without saying your name.
''What do you mean can't talk about it?''
''Everyone looks at me weird when i don't talk about it, and when i say that no girl ever really intrested me they still give me that same punching stare.'' But maybe the others didn't deserve to know Neil's name, it was something considered sacred to him, and no one deserved to prounonce it, maybe not even Todd himself.
''...''
''Maybe it's me, maybe the problem is not Love by itself, maybe i am the weird one that can't help but love who i-i shouldn't. M-Maybe god made me this way because i'm really just unlovable... for god's sake- I'm-'' He was just mumbling uncoherent thoughts under his breath by the end, but Neil still listened, still saw him.
''Hey...! Hey stop right there. How long have you been sitting on this?'' Honestly it was hard to guess, he was sure he had most of those thoughts from the day he was born, then again the other part only started coming up recently.
''A few months?''
''And you never thought of telling me?''He did, everyday, 10 times a day on avarage, which was all the time his brain was not occupied thinking about not so innocent thoughts about a certain someone or self flagellating about his insicurities.
''I mean, not really-? I- '' liar, Neil got up from his bed and sat down next to Todd, their hips burning from the contact. His face just turned to him as he placed his hand on Todd's knee, he wasn't sure if it was supposewd to be reassuring or intimidating, he guessed the former, but both would have woked perfectly.
''I just don't know alright, i'm sorry for all of this- we shouldn't sit here and dwell on meaningless things... S-someone used to say the first sign of the beginning of understanding oneself is the wish to die, maybe my curse is simply understanding what it means to be like me, think like me, live and bear me everyday...''
''They are not meaningless, not to me if it's about you! Todd... people like us dont have it easy out there, but it's not an impossible life to live... we can do something about this, ideas and words can change the world!'' Throwing in Keating's words was a low blow, but it usually worked. He knew Neil was right, he understood that, yet he couldn't bring himself to accept it. Just as his ears couldn't belive he said people like us.
''Thank you Neil, I- '' they were sitting dangerously close now, the proximity was killing him with guilt, He had no right to just sit there and take Neil's friendly advances and paint them to be something more than that, but it all felt too intoxicating to give up. He deserved not even the contact they shared on their hips much less the insights into Neil's soul. He should be apologizing right now, yet here he was thankinng him, two things so similar yet so far away, ah the resemblence.
''I'll never be able to thank you for all you've done to me.'' a pair of warm arms engulfed him and brought them on top of Neil's chest, squeezing him like there was no tomorow untill he didn't. He gently let Todd go and brought his knees to his chest. The silence was ovebearing, strangling him and taking him by the back of his neck.
''Todd please say it... tell me i've not been imagining it all along...''
''Immagining what?'' everything went still, the air felt thick and time seemed to slow down. 'Carpe Diem' was the last thought that passed through Neil's thick skull as his finger slowly traced his cheekbone and gently held it there.
''Todd, please tell me you love me too, tell me that all i've been going trough lately has been worth it, Todd! Ask me to be yours... ask me to hold you closely as i help you finally find the peace you deserve, Todd please... please tell me-'' The tension was finally broken by a giggly laugh from Todd, who then proceded to almost throw his lips on Neil's. Maybe he didn't deserve this, but he could neve hate himself enough to not indulge on this golden opportunity. Both their hands were everywhere all at once, cupping Neil's cheeks, pressing on his chest, resting on his waist, grabbing at the back of his hair tugging them gently, moving franatically, everything was, the world was spinning around them, their surrounding became an astract thought, Neil's lips had an aftertaste of coffe, todd almost tried sucking it out of him, but it wouldn't help his sleeping problem. After not so few kisses they eventually calmed down for good, and they just laid there sezing the moment.
''Neil of couse you've been immagining it!''
''...what?''
''This'' said Todd patting Neil's chest as if to demostrate something
''what...''
''NO!No i'm kidding i'm kidding i swear!'' Laughing felt surreal after almost beeing at the verge of tears just a few minutes earlier. But this by itself wasn't new, it was one of the many side effects of beeing inlove with Neil fucking Perry.
''Hey! I'm out here confessing to you and you make fun of me... kinda cruel... woah, might break up just for that.''
''NONO PLEASE I WAS KIDDING-''
''SHHHHH IT'S LATE, We should have been sleeping ages ago!!'' Said Neil whispering loudly.
''Technically i was supposed to be asleep 3 days ago....-''
''i could help with tiring you out'' said Neil with a playful smirk
''Oh shut the fuck up'' responded Todd rolling his eyes and laying back down on his bed. It was now only a question of 'if all of this made it actually possible to close his eyes and rest for the rest of the night.'
Luckly if anything else,or nothing for that matter, happened Todd knew he'd have Neil beside him.
And that was what Todd called a miracle.
Light started to filter trough the windows unannounced, slowly making it's way into Todd's colsed eyes, visible eyebags slowly starting to fade. It was nothing new, he always had trubles sleeping, not this morning though, if he had been slightly more religious than he had been the night before, praying for a kiss that actually came, he would have called it a miracle the way Neil's nose reflected the sun light in such a beautiful way. Todd could name a handfull of things he would enjoy seeing more in that moment, and all of them had something to do with that same boy laying on his side.
He quickly grabbed his notebook and a pencil and started scribling his thoughts away.
After too msny crumped up pages on the floor he found himself with a daft of a possible good poem:
Basked under the slow pouring of the golden honey
Sun kissed painted freakles on the bridge of your nose,
Barely appreciated by naked eyes but mines.
Illuminated by shards of light passing trough pines
Under the moonlight i can still smell your perfume rose.
Other's judgement to me is worth as much as paper money
As long as i get to use the with you.
No matter if at dawn, sunrise, or midnight
my devotion to your heart is as imparing as a beath,
Grabbing me, lowering me into the deep lake blue,
Looking at you like a saviour at the top, so bright.
My love for you will be my death.
Eventually they both had to get up, get ready and head to class, having to face their greatest enemy...Charlie Dalton.
Charlie Dalton who by the time they sat down for beakfast had it all figured out. Neil could try and hide his out of the sudden happiness all he wanted, but Charlie could see him right trough.
''So... how did it go man?'' Aked Charlie later in the day
''How did what go?''
''Oh... nothing special, just thought that Todd's been awfully quiet and hasn't put down his damn notebook a single time since i saw you two walking out of your dorm... and not to mention the way YOU were acting during breakfast earlier this morning.''
''...ngk'' A low embarassed noise msde it's way into Charlie's ears ''not confirming or denying anything...''
''I hadn't even accused you of anything yet!''
''Oh leave me alone!!'' Said Neil lightly bumping his shoulder automatically pleading himself guilty in Dalton's eyes.
“Guess i'll just seat here alone forever... To quote one of the bigs 'All i ever loved i loved alone.' Edgar Allan Poe'' said Charlie theatrically with a stupid grin on his face intending that not a single word out of the onse that just came out of his mounth spoke the truth.