Work Text:
“Be my date.”
The last thing Taehyung expected after drawing himself in fruity cocktails in an attempt to make himself more cheerful than he was, was to run into this guy. This guy being his high school classmate - who’d apparently hit the puberty and maturity lottery - Jeon Jungkook.
He also didn’t expect to blurt out those three words as soon as he looked at his face after drunkenly stumbling into said classmate. But it was probably a good thing he was drunk, since his shame had flown away with any sense of common courtesy and ability to not be an idiot.
But, when morning came and his hangover had him wanting to throw up and bury himself in the sand, the memory of the response from Jeon Jungkook was the only thing that kept him from finding said sand.
“Sure, I’ll be your date. Call me.”
*
There were very few things that had gone right in Taehyung’s life in the last year. One of them was finally breaking up with his toxic ex Minjun, but even that was coming back to bite him in the ass since he hadn’t been able to find a date for his cousin’s wedding.
There was no way he could show up alone, in Paris, the romantic capital of the world, for a wedding, and listen to his family’s condescension and mocking and disappointment, and not have a mental breakdown.
Alas, six months flew by, and no date was to be found, and there were just three days left until he had to leave. So, Taehyung did what any sane person would do: get drunk on too-expensive cocktails and self-loathing, and in his drunken desperation, mortify himself in front of his high school crush.
Who he was now waiting to meet at the airport.
Was there a hole he could jump into around here?
Taehyung sighed loudly. He hadn’t been able to meet Jungkook since that night. Apparently, Jungkook had taken a taxi with him to make sure he got home safely, and called himself from Taehyung’s phone. It was all very gentlemanly and organised, terrible for Taehyung’s self-esteem.
They’d arranged everything over the phone - or, confusingly, Jungkook had told Taehyung not to worry, he’d arrange himself just to give him the details of the flights and hotel and he’d meet him on the plane.
It was probably his cowardly ass taking charge that made Taehyung take a seat and not argue or ask too many questions. He really just wanted to get this over with, but the looming two weeks in Paris with a particle stranger he used to be half in love with when he was sixteen, was beginning to make him want to puke.
But once he boarded and Jungkook was nowhere to be seen, he realised (not with dread or disappointment at all thank you very much) that it was all just a big joke, and it was probably better to be stood up anyway. He was lamenting when the flight attendant came by and smiled at him, telling him he’d been upgraded to First Class.
“That’s a mistake,” he automatically denied.
“You are Kim Taehyung, yes?” She asked.
He did not understand what was happening, but he nodded and she insisted on him following her. Dumbfounded, he did, only to see Jungkook standing in the aisle with a pleased grin.
“Not bad for a first date?” He asked when Taehyung approached him.
Taehyung felt very intelligent as he replied, “um, what?”
Jungkook, dressed in an oversized black tracksuit and a bucket hat, with a lip ring and eyebrow piercing Taehyung hadn’t noticed until now, laughed.
“I told you, I’d arrange everything. Come on, sit down,” he said.
Taehyung did as he was told. “Are you - what is happening right now?”
Jungkook settled into his seat, fastening the seat belt. “We’re going to your cousin’s wedding.”
“Yes, I know, but that’s - what?”
Jungkook looked at him, an amused glint in his big brown eyes. “Did you drink today?”
Taehyung’s cheeks flamed. “No, of course not!” He denied. “It’s not even midday!”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” Jungkook replied.
Taehyung turned away from him, feeling all kinds of flustered and confused if he should be offended or not. “Forgive me for not understanding what is going on when I thought you’d stood me up and then all of a sudden I’m being upgraded into first class and you’re here,” he muttered, then he looked down and realised how comfortable the seat was. Oh my god, this was amazing.
He almost yelped when he felt a hand on his arm. Oh. Jungkook had tattoos too. He looked up, and directly into his face, which was far too close for Taehyung to properly function.
“Hey. Sorry for teasing,” Jungkook said, looking sincerely apologetic. “Let me explain, and promise you won’t get mad?”
“Uh - ” Taehyung cleared his throat and managed to nod.
They were interrupted by the flight departing, and the safety video, and Taehyung could finally breathe again.
Tattoos. Piercings. Talkative.
This was not the Jungkook he remembered from high school, who was quiet and reserved, keeping his head down. Taehyung had liked him back then because he was so different from everyone else, and he found his quietness attractive, as well as his appearance no matter what other people said.
But now, Taehyung’s heart was beating like it was trying to escape his chest, and his palms were sweating. How in the love of all that’s holy was he supposed to survive two weeks with a - a version of his crush that was levelled up ten thousand times?
God, he really needed to find that freaking hole and die in it now.
*
If fate existed, Taehyung wanted to punch it in the face. Because what did Jungkook mean that he had already been going to Jimin’s wedding as his friends plus one, and was now going to be Taehyung’s instead? Maybe he should punch Jimin in the face instead for not telling him that his former crush was going to be at the wedding. What a traitor.
“So it all works out pretty well,” Jungkook said, looking for all the world as if this was great news, and not about to hyperventilate like Taehyung. “I get a holiday, and you get your family off your back.”
“Right.”
“Uh - Taehyung? Are you okay?”
Taehyung looked at him. “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be? I’m super duper awesome.”
Jungkook did not believe it. “Uh. Huh. Do - do you need a minute?”
“No, no,” Taehyung replied, laughing to show he was fine. “I’m really okay. Just, you know, this has been a weird few days. And I’m in First Class. How, by the way? Did you pay for this? Oh my god, I need to pay you back -- ”
“Woah, there,” Jungkook interrupted. “Yes, I did. And no, you don’t.” He sighed and took off his hat, and ran a hand through his long, thick, dark hair that reached almost down to his shoulders. “I had… free miles, okay? So don’t worry.”
Taehyung let out a breath of relief. “Okay.” He breathed in deeply and out again. Get a grip, Taehyung, he scolded himself. “Can we, maybe, start again?” He asked with a timid smile.
“Start again?”
“Hi, I’m Kim Taehyung. Thank you for agreeing to be my fake date for my cousin’s wedding, and I’m so sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you,” he said formally, with a bow of his head.
“Hi, I’m Jeon Jungkook, and it’s my pleasure,” Jungkook replied with a smile that made Taehyung’s heart drop to his ass.
He was not going to survive these two weeks with either his dignity or his heart intact, he was absolutely certain of it.
*
Arriving at the hotel in Paris was a party Taehyung did not expect, or want. They were the last to arrive, and his whole family was there waiting. Partly, he was sure, to get their kicks about him showing up alone. But, he wasn’t alone, and he was smug and irritated by the surprise on the faces of some of his cousins and aunts.
With some courage he had no idea he possessed, he took hold of Jungkook’s hand and leaned his head on his shoulder all swoon-like when he introduced him to them all. They’d gotten their story straight on the plane. They’d been dating for two and a half months, and kept it quiet because -
“I cannot believe you’re dating Jeon Jungkook!” His cousin Woosung practically squealed, interrupting them. “How did someone like you pull a famous person, Taehyung? I’m a huge fan, it’s awesome to meet you.”
Taehyung’s eyes widened. Famous? He looked up at Jungkook, and saw he was frowning at Woosung.
“What exactly do you mean by someone like him?” He asked.
Woosung blinked, not looking like he expected the question. It finally registered to Taehyung what he’d said. “Hey - ”
“Well,” Woosung cleared his throat, and straightened up his shoulders. “Taehyung’s just had some… failed relationships. He’s never had a good eye, so I was surprised, that’s all.”
Taehyung narrowed his eyes, and went to speak, but Jungkook put a hand around his waist and that stopped him.
“I’m a bit tired from the flight, babe,” he said looking down at Taehyung with a smile. “Lets go freshen up in our room, okay?”
“Okay,” Taehyung replied, lost in the way that Jungkook was looking at him.
“Wait, let’s get some food first - ”
“I don’t think so,” Jungkook replied, making Taehyung look at him in surprise as he shut Woosung down. “It was… interesting to meet you. Thanks for being a fan. Don’t forget to watch my next stream.”
Taehyung sucked his lips in to hide his growing smile at Woosung’s shock, and let Jungkook lead him away.
“Thanks,” he said when they were in the elevator. The doors closed and he stepped away.
Jungkook shrugged. “Your cousin’s a dick.”
“Yeah…” Taehyung sighed. “And it’s just the first day.” He narrowed his eyes. “Famous?” He asked, eyebrows raised.
Jungkook looked guilty. “Um, no? Not exactly. I stream, so…”
“And how many followers do you have?” Taehyung demanded.
Jungkook looked away, and mumbled something under his breath.
“What was that?”
He groaned. “2 million,” he admitted, not looking at him.
Taehyung’s jaw dropped. “2 million? And you - you didn’t think to tell me? Is that why so many people were looking at us?” Taehyung slapped a hand on his forehead. “This is so not what I thought was going to happen.”
“Should I be offended?” Jungkook asked.
“No,” Taehyung sighed. “Sorry. It’s not you. It’s me. As usual. You’re - you are perfect. I am just - ” He gestured up and down to himself. “You know, me. I bet I’m not who you imagined after high school.”
“High school?” Jungkook asked, clearly confused. “Did we go to high school together.”
Taehyung stared at him.
The elevator doors opened and he walked out.
He wanted to find a hole and die for real this time.
*
“He doesn’t even remember me,” Taehyung wailed, his face buried in Jimin’s pillow. He was absolutely mortified. “Oh my god, I want to die.”
“I feel like you’re being dramatic, but I can’t hear you with your face in the pillow,” Jimin called out from across the room, where he was choosing an outfit for dinner.
“I am not being dramatic,” Taehyung sat up. “I’m never dramatic.”
Jimin looked at him blankly.
“I’m sometimes dramatic,” Taehyung amended, and Jimin rolled his eyes. “But I really have a reason to be this time. I’m so embarrassed.”
“Well, you should be, it’s pretty funny,” Jimin said with a small laugh.
Taehyung threw the pillow at him, and Jimin dodged it, coming over to sit beside him.
“I hate you,” he mumbled, falling into Jimin’s lap and settling there.
“You big baby,” Jimin sighed fondly, brushing his hair back from his face. “It’s just a little bit overconfident to assume everyone from our high school would remember you,” he said. “We were popular, but not that popular.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side,” Taehyung pouted.
“I’m always on your side, my little alien,” Jimin said. “I’m showing you how much I love you by being a little mean.”
“I seriously hate you.”
Jimin laughed. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. But are you going to hide here forever? You know you didn’t actually need a fake date, right? You could have come alone.”
“And listen to two weeks of ‘ why don’t you have a date?’ ‘Jimin’s getting married, isn’t it time you settled down’ from our family?” Taehyung asked. “No thanks.”
“True.”
“Besides, he stood up for me in front of Woosung,” Taehyung said, feeling his heart flutter at the memory.
“That’s good,” Jimin answered. “That shows good judgement and character.”
“Right?” Taehyung sat up excitedly. “I do have good taste in men!”
“I thought you said you were over your high school crush?”
“I am,” Taehyung said quickly. “It’s just - admiration.”
“No. It’s a grown up crush.” Jimin shook his head. “Just be careful, Taehyungie. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Taehyung nodded. “I’ll be fine. I’ve got this handled. Trust me.”
Why did no one ever look at him like they believed him?
“Anyway,” Jimin said standing up. “This is for you.” He walked over to his bag and took out a plastic pocket with paper. “It’s your itinerary. We have suit fittings and some wedding preparations to do over the next week.”
Taehyung fell back on the bed. “Do I have to?”
“If you want me to love you after this, yes.”
“ Fiiine ,” Taehyung groaned. “I am the best man, I guess I should take it a little more seriously.”
“That would be nice, thank you.”
*
Taehyung’s saving grace was that their room had two double beds. He actually slept well. It might have been helped by the two glasses of wine he had during the family dinner, and the travel fatigue, but he did sleep and he woke up feeling a little better about things.
For example, famous streamer boyfriend ( fake boyfriend, ahem), was good to rub in the face of annoying, snobby, conceited cousin Woosung, and quieten down the nosy family.
Having someone to spend time with in Paris while Jimin was busy - big pro.
Getting to know Jungkook, also a good thing. Since they never actually spoke in high school.
So overall, he felt pretty good as he laid in bed after waking up. He could handle this like the mature, sophisticated adult that he was.
Jungkook walked out of the bathroom with his towel around his waist, and Taehyung’s brain flew out the window.
So much for mature sophistication.
*
The plan for the week was pretty balanced with fun and wedding work. Jimin had made sure to have all the suit fittings and appointments in the mornings so the day would be free. And only every second day was family lunch or dinner.
Taehyung was glad that his parents only saw them briefly at breakfast before leaving for a five-day tour of France. They had always been a whirlwind. Harebrained artists off with the wind. They’d given Jungkook a kiss on the cheek and told him he was handsome, and winked at Taehyung and that was it.
“You’re just like them,” Jungkook said.
Taehyung looked at him like he was crazy. “Really? I don’t see it at all.”
He didn’t know why Jungkook looked back at him like he was the crazy one.
*
Day one was suit fittings and finalising the cake, with a free afternoon and family dinner. Taehyung hadn’t realised that Jungkook would be filming a vlog until he came out with his equipment asking if it was okay for him to be in the film or not, he’d edit Taehyung out if he asked for it. Would Taehyung give up the chance to be in a vlog that 2 million people would see?
Yes. Yes, he would.
That many people seeing his face? No, thank you.
But he still managed to pop into frame and make silly faces in the background most of the day, prompting Jungkook to question if he was serious about not being in the video.
“Directors cut!” He declared cheerfully.
Jungkook didn’t look impressed, and Taehyung apologised by offering him a spoon of the vanilla cake they were taste testing. He could see Jungkook wasn’t really mad, he had a little smile on his face.
Taehyung definitely didn’t feel his heart skip a beat when Jungkook ate the cake from the spoon, staring right into his eyes, and then used his tongue to get more off the spoon, or lick his lips after.
“Yummy,” he said with a wink.
Taehyung let out a slightly hysterical laugh. “Hahaha, yes. S-super yummy,” he responded.
Jungkook reached over and put his palm on his cheek, his thumb brushing over his lips, while Taehyung stood there like a statue.
“You had some icing,” he said, after he removed his hand and put his thumb into his mouth, sucking slightly.
Why did he keep looking right into Taehyung’s eyes when he did that? That was what Taehyung wanted to know.
It wasn’t until he wasn’t asleep that night that Taehyung realised he hadn’t even tried the cake when Jungkook did that. He had no icing on his face.
Oh, he could feel his dignity slowly (very, very quickly) slipping away.
*
It was almost too easy to forget that Taehyung was only fake dating Jungkook. The next few days were so easy and fun that it was only when certain family members (Woosung, mainly) made snide comments that he was reminded of their situation. But Jungkook always had some kind of witty response that shut Woosung down, and Taehyung found himself in serious danger.
Jimin was too busy and focused on the wedding to be much help, so Taehyung tried to deal with it all on his own. A horrible idea, really, considering every time Jungkook so much as looked at him, or held his hand, or put an arm around his shoulders, his brain froze and function ceased.
Taehyung was laying on his bed, arranging the last few details for the next day - the bachelor parties. He looked over at Jungkook who was sitting on his bed, reading some book about philosophy.
“That looks more like I remember,” he said.
Jungkook looked over at him. “What do you mean?”
“The you from school.”
Jungkook rolled his eyes. “Ah,” he said, then he scratched at his cheek with one finger, looking a little bashful. “Yeah. Reading books or playing games on my phone alone in a corner. I was a loner, huh?”
Taehyung tilted his head. “Not exactly,” he replied. “More like… you were in your own world.”
Jungkook raised an eyebrow. “No, I was just a loner.”
Taehyung shrugged. “You didn't really seem like you were alone though. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You sure remember a lot about me.”
Taehyung flushed red. “W-well, it’s better than not remembering at all!” He accused.
“Are you ever going to forgive me for not remembering you? I don’t remember anyone,” Jungkook replied, making puppy-dog eyes at him.
Taehyung wanted to melt into a puddle and disappear at that look. It was doing things it should not be doing. To his heart, his stomach, elsewhere he wouldn’t name.
“Fine,” he sighed dramatically. “Ugh.” He dropped his phone onto the bed beside him. “I hate organising stuff.”
“I can see that,” Jungkook said pointedly, looking at his mess of a suitcase and the side of their hotel room he’d taken over. Clothes everywhere, stuff all over the place. Unlike Jungkook’s side, which was immaculately neat.
“All right, Mr. Grumpy Pants,” Taehyung muttered, pushing himself up. “I’ll clean.”
He started to gather his things, and then dumped them in one pile and lay back down.
Jungkook snorted. “You’re hopeless.”
But the way he said it made Taehyung feel warm and fuzzy inside.
*
To say Taehyung was drunk was an understatement.
Jungkook wasn’t with him; he’d gone to Yoongi’’s party with his friend - the one he was originally coming to the wedding with. His best friend, apparently. Taehyung was totally not jealous. (He was very jealous.) And he didn’t miss Jungkook at all. (He missed him beyond the realm of self-respect.) And he was not dampening the mood with his moping. (He was.)
But drunk Taehyung was also easily distracted Taehyung. Not unlike his regular sober self, except as Jimin said, he was turned up about five thousand percent. So when his favourite song came on at the bar they were partying in, Taehyung was up and dancing with Jimin, laughing again.
If he were sober, the hands snaking around his waist and pulling him against the firm body of someone dancing behind him, would have made him freak out. But he didn’t, because it felt too good.
He leaned back into the stranger, and moved with them. Smiling when he heard them curse. Yep. Drunk Tae was a dan-cer, with emphasis on the dancer bit.
Then he turned to see who it was, and smiled wider.
“Jungkookie!” He slurred happily. “You found me!”
“I did,” he said. “You look great, Tae.”
Taehyung beamed. He complimented him, his crush! Compliments! Winning!
“Jungkookieeeee, you alwaaaays look good. Even school,” Taehyung giggled. “Your hair was so nice. I like it long.” He reached up and played with his hair. “Longer, Jungkookie. Longer!”
“How much have you had to drink?” Jungkook asked, but he was smiling, so it was all okay, Taehyung knew.
“So much. I’m a really good drinker.”
Jungkook nodded.
“I’m a better dancer,” Taehyung said.
That was a great idea! Dancing with Jungkook. He could totally seduce him into thinking he was a good catch and a real boyfriend material not a fake one. Drunk Taehyung was Smart Taehyung.
But Jungkook stopped him just as he was getting into it. He was half bent over when Jungkook pulled him up, and looked a bit mad. Taehyung pouted.
“We’re leaving,” Jungkook said, his eyebrows all angry.
“No! I wanna stay and dance,” Taehyung protested.
“We can dance in the hotel,” Jungkook said.
Taehyung felt his eyes light up. “Really?”
“Yeah, sure. Why not? I feel like killing myself anyway,” Jungkook answered.
“Huh?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry, come on.”
“Wait! Minie!”
“Jimin’s with Yoongi, Tae. It’s okay,” Jungkook told him, pulling him through the crowd by his hand.
He had a big hand. It covered all of Taehyung’s. It was warm. Nice.
Taehyung was happy.
*
Taehyung was not happy. Was he even alive? He didn’t want to be. He groaned and turned his face into his pillow. He wanted to go back to sleep, but he knew it would be impossible considering how bad he felt: headache, fuzzy, yuck alcohol mouth, greasy feeling all over, like he wanted to vomit, and in general, like death would be a better option at this moment.
His hand hit paper on the pillow, and he frowned, and squinted open his eyes.
It was a note.
Morning Sleeping Beauty,
I left some painkillers on the bedside table with water. Take a long hot shower and order room service. I’ll be back in a few hours - taking video.
JK
It took a moment, but the horror started flooding in when faint memories of the previous night came back. He couldn’t remember a lot, but what he did remember was mortifying. He made a complete fool of himself in front of Jungkook.
And confessed to his crush in high school.
He buried his face in his pillows and decided this was where he’d be living now.
*
It took a few hours before Taehyung rejoined the world of the living. Freshly showered, hunger sated, painkillers working, thirst quenched, he was ready and raring to go… absolutely nowhere. He didn’t want to do anything at all.
But they had the rehearsal and family dinner to go to tonight, the last thing before the big day, and Jimin had been blowing up his phone about silly things. He was overstressed and thinking way too much, and Taehyung sent back exactly that.
It was unfortunate that the moment Jungkook came back to the room was the moment Taehyung opened a very embarrassing message from Jimin - a video of him declaring his love for Jungkook. So he did what a normal person would do: he threw his phone at Jungkook’s face.
He ducked, because, reflexes (it was very attractive that he was so athletically inclined, which seemed at odds with his video game streamer work, but Taehyung could not appreciate it as much as he wanted to because his entire brain and body was malfunctioning.) As if that wasn’t enough - something even more terrible happened.
The video did not stop.
The phone was not broken.
The sound was on LOUD.
Jungkook stared at him, and looked down at the phone, and then back at him just as his drunken slurs of his undying love for Jungkook’s “ precious bambi eyes and cute little perky yum-yummy butt” was being broadcast into their brains and seared into them.
Taehyung then did the only thing he could do.
He calmly took the blanket off the bed, put it over his head until it covered him completely, and sat down with crossed legs. If he couldn’t see anything, no one could see him. Right? Right?!
He scrunched his eyes closed and tried not to think how suffocating this was going to get in a minute or so, trapped under a blanket with no air flow. He knew. He knew he’d never make it out of this with any resemblance of dignity. He’d never recover from this. His life was over.
He frowned when he heard some weird noises in the room. Jungkook was moving around. He tried to figure out what he was doing, but he didn’t say a word. His mouth had done way too much damage, silence was the best option. There were more sounds of movements he couldn’t decipher, and Taehyung bit his lower lip.
“Ummmm. What are you doing?” He asked.
He’d never been good at silence.
He screamed when the blanket lifted up unexpectedly, and Jungkook was suddenly right there. With a blanket of his own on his head, holding them both up and creating a fort type of thing.
“Found you,” Jungkook said.
Taehyung stared at him, though he could hardly see in the dark. Only a little light was filtering through the material, just enough to make out his face.
“No you didn’t,” Taehyung replied.
“I didn’t?”
“No. This is a recording. Please leave a message, and Kim Taehyung will get back to you in three to five business days.”
Jungkook burst out laughing. It was maybe the best sound Taehyung had ever heard. It made his heart warm, and he smiled a little too.
“You’re funny,” Jungkook said, shifting his arms a little. Taehyung realised it probably hurt to keep his arms up, and put his up too. “That’s just one reason why I like you so much.”
He wasn’t sure, but the sound that came out of Taehyung at that was a very high-pitched sort of a laugh type thing. Maybe some people would define it as hysterical. But he wasn’t. Because that would be embarrassing.
“I lied before,” Jungkook told him. “About not knowing you in school. I knew who you were.”
“You did?”
Oh god this would be so much more interesting to Taehyung if his shoulders weren’t burning holding up the blanket. He really needed to go to the gym.
“Of course I did.” Jungkook let his arms down, and shuffled closer. Their knees were touching. Taehyung’s heart did a backflip at their proximity in the dark. “You’re Kim Taehyung. You’re not the only one who had a crush in high school.”
Taehyung took a deep breath in. “Jungkook,” he whispered. “I don’t know if you’ve realised this, but Ι need you to be very, very clear about what you’re saying, otherwise I’m going to spiral into this chaotic crazy headspace where I don’t know up from down and -- ”
He was cut off by Jungkook throwing the blankets off them, him being hauled up to his feet and then up further until his legs were wrapped around Jungkook's waist and he had absolutely no idea how it even happened.
“Taehyung,” Jungkook said. “Stop talking.”
“But, I - ”
There were not many times in his life where Taehyung had found himself speechless, but when Jungkook kissed him, everything else ceased existing except that moment of touch and the sparks it ignited all over his body.
“Is that clear enough?” Jungkook asked, voice rough and breathy, and sending fire into the pits of Taehyung’s stomach.
He nodded silently, then threw his arms around Jungkook’s shoulders and kissed him again.
*
Whirlwind romance didn’t hold much meaning to Taehyung, when his everyday life felt like a whirlwind anyway. But in the space of twenty-four hours, Taehyung felt like his entire life had been upended in the best possible way.
Jungkook had gone from a fake date to a real date, and he couldn’t get enough. It was mildly embarrassing after the ceremony when his mother pulled him aside and told him to wipe the drool off his face because he’d been staring at Jungkook the entire time instead of focusing on Jimin getting married. But he just shrugged like the absolute loser that he was and skipped over to Jungkook, who smiled at his approach and immediately took him into his arms.
They fit like a jigsaw puzzle.
They drank and danced and kissed and laughed, and Taehyung never wanted the night to end.
He never wanted any of it to end.
*
(Spoiler: It didn’t.)