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There were times when looking at Kenma made Kuroo’s heart feel full. When he had that triumphant look as he beat Kuroo at a video game, when he clung to Kuroo in a crowd, when he was tired after a volleyball game and slept on Kuroo’s shoulder. They were best friends, they cared for each other, and maybe Kuroo had a stupid little crush on him, but he was content with how things were.
Kuroo especially loved when they were on the volleyball court together, it was the concrete foundation of their friendship from the very beginning. This year was their last chance to play together on the national stage. During the final game of the regional tournament where they could qualify for nationals, tensions were high. Kenma set the ball to Kuroo, and he hit it right through a gap in their opponent’s defence to score the winning point.
He felt a rush of adrenaline and happiness, and as he turned to Kenma, there was a rush of something else too. Kenma was smiling, really smiling, possibly the most genuine he’d ever seen from him, and it was directed at Kuroo. Kenma ran towards him and Kuroo instinctively picked him up in a hug and held him tight. Then it hit him, that this was going to be their last year together, and suddenly he never wanted to let him go. Suddenly those small feelings of affection meant so much more and he realised how much he loved Kenma, that he wanted their friendship to be something more.
He felt a scratching start to build in his throat.
***
Over the next few days, the scratch in Kuroo’s throat developed into a cough. He tried to dismiss it as just a cough, just a common cold, not wanting to think about the alternative. As the days went on, it became harder to ignore for both Kuroo and the people around him, especially Kenma who was always with him.
“Are you ok Kuroo?” Kenma asked one day after school.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, not wanting his best friend to worry.
“Are you sure? Your cough has been getting worse lately.”
“It’s just a cold.”
“Without any other symptoms?”
“Yeah… it’ll pass.”
Kenma eyed him suspiciously but didn’t press further, going back to playing his game as they sat together on Kenma’s bed. If it was hanahaki, which he didn’t want to believe, then Kuroo didn’t want to bother Kenma with his feelings and make him worry. He just hoped it would work out somehow in the end.
He put an arm around Kenma and pulled him close, Kenma relaxing into him and resting his head on his shoulder. With how close they already were, Kuroo had hope that Kenma just needed a little push for him to realise his feelings. He would need to try something. Maybe if they hung out together, more like a proper date, he could show Kenma how well they would fit together.
“Hey Kenma?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you wanna go out tomorrow?” Kuroo asked, deciding to keep the invitation vague, not explicitly romantic.
“Where?”
“Anywhere you want. A movie, the arcade, the ice cream place.”
Kenma paused and looked at Kuroo with suspicion. “Is there a reason?”
“No reason, just to have fun. My treat.” He smiled reassuringly.
“Ok, I guess.”
“Great, so where do you wanna go?”
“Maybe the arcade,” Kenma considered, “then ice cream.”
“Sounds perfect,” Kuroo smiled.
***
Kuroo arrived at Kenma’s house the next day to go to the arcade together. Kuroo thought about trying to be more touchy with Kenma, maybe try holding his hand, but he knew Kenma did like him back yet so he decided against it. His throat was killing him, but he tried his best to suppress the coughs.
Kenma was an expert at the arcade, he knew all the strategies and which games were the best value. As expected, he easily beat Kuroo at all the games they played but Kuroo didn’t mind, he was just happy to see Kenma enjoying himself so much. By the time they were ready to leave, Kenma had collected a lot of tickets.
“What prizes do you want to get?” Kuroo asked as they made their way to the prize area.
“Hmm I don’t know, I don’t really want anything.”
They looked through the shelves covered mostly with kids toys, anime merchandise and sweets. They had a look at the expensive prizes, Kenma had just enough tickets for some of the smaller electronics.
“Ooh how about the wireless earphones?”
Kenma shrugged, “Hmm I already have good headphones, so I probably won’t use them.”
“That’s a shame, they’re probably the best thing you can afford.”
“Do you want them?”
“Huh?” Kuroo looked to Kenma in surprise. “Well kind of, but they’re not my tickets.”
“I’ll get them for you.”
“You should get something for yourself,” Kuroo insisted.
“It’s fine.”
“But—”
Kenma didn’t wait to argue anymore and grabbed the earphones and headed to the counter, grabbing a box of pocky for himself on the way. He traded in his tickets and handed the earphones to Kuroo who reluctantly took them with an affectionate smile. Kenma really was too good to him.
Having finished at the arcade, they then walked to the nearby ice cream place and went inside.
“What flavour do you want?” Kuroo asked.
“Hmm.” Kenma looked at the different flavours in the cabinets.
“Let me guess, strawberry?”
Kenma gave him a look, Kuroo knew he almost always got strawberry despite looking at all the options every time.
“Yeah.”
Kuroo grinned at him and turned to the cashier.
“One strawberry and one cookies and cream please.”
The cashier nodded and put through their order before starting to scoop their ice cream. Kuroo stepped forward to pay.
“I can pay for my own,” Kenma said.
“I said I would treat you, plus you gave me the earphones so it’s only fair.”
“Ok, fine.”
After paying and taking their ice creams, they went to sit at a table to eat. As Kuroo watched Kenma, he felt his affection growing and his throat burning, and he knew he couldn’t give up on Kenma no matter the cost. He wondered if Kenma recognised this was a date, on the surface it wasn’t much different than what they normally did, but to Kuroo it meant something more.
He suddenly started coughing, this time more than usual, and he had to grab a napkin to cough into. When he put the napkin down, he noticed a flower petal and a few drops of blood, and his heart sank.
“Is that…” Kenma stared at the flower petal with wide eyes. Kuroo quickly folded the napkin in an attempt to hide it, but it was too late. “You have hanahaki disease?”
“I…” He didn’t want to say it, but by the look on Kenma’s face he didn’t have to.
“Who is it?” Kenma looked Kuroo in the eyes, filled with hurt, or maybe anger.
“I don’t want you to worry about me.” Kuroo avoided the question.
Kenma looked down, Kuroo could practically see the thoughts swirling around in his head. Kenma was smart, it wouldn’t take him long to figure it out, believing it was another question though. He stood up, avoiding eye contact with Kuroo.
“Let’s just go home.”
He walked out, not waiting for Kuroo to respond. Kuroo stayed sitting at the table for a minute longer, head in his hands, before he made his way home as well.
***
The next few days were awkward between the two of them, the topic wasn’t quite out in the open but they both knew it was there. Maybe now that he knew, Kenma would realise he had feelings for Kuroo. He could only hope.
The number of petals Kuroo was coughing up slowly increased day by day, and he decided he needed to try to get through to Kenma. As they walked home together mostly in silence, they paused as they reached Kenma’s house.
“Can I come in for a bit?” Kuroo asked tentatively.
“Yeah sure.” Kenma’s expression was hard to read.
The mere fact that Kuroo had to ask was a reminder of the unusual tension between them. Even so, they went to Kenma’s room and sat together on his bed like any other day. Kuroo let Kenma play his game for a bit before speaking up.
“Hey Kenma, can I ask you something?”
Kenma paused his game, knowing he needed his full attention, and looked up at Kuroo.
“Do you like someone?”
“No,” Kenma said simply.
“It’s ok if you do, I just wanna know,” Kuroo tried to encourage.
“I really don’t.”
Kuroo sighed and leant his head back against the wall. He thought that if Kenma liked someone else then he could at least try to talk to them and work things out, but that didn’t seem to be the case. That meant there was some other reason, something to do with him, that was why Kenma didn’t like him.
“Listen Kuroo, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I was going to tell you eventually, but I think you need to hear this now.”
Kuroo’s stomach twisted with nerves, whatever Kenma was about to say didn’t sound like a confession.
“I… I’m asexual, and aromantic.”
Kuroo froze, he couldn’t think of an appropriate response. It must have looked like he was confused, so Kenma clarified the point he was trying to make.
“I can’t feel romantic love.”
He felt his whole world falling apart around him. This can’t be happening. In any other situation he would be supportive of his friend coming out, but this had much bigger implications. If Kenma couldn’t feel romantic love, he couldn’t return Kuroo’s feelings, and the hanahaki wasn’t going to go away. He felt betrayed. Even if his brain told him it wasn’t Kenma’s fault, his heart was screaming in pain.
“Kuroo, can you say something?” Kenma’s eyes looked watery, but they were nothing compared to the hot tears forming in Kuroo’s.
“It’s you, I’m in love with you,” he finally said it out loud.
The confirmation broke something inside of Kenma, Kuroo could see it in his eyes.
“Kuroo I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do.”
Kuroo stood up to leave, and Kenma let him go. There wasn’t anything else they could say right now, not until they both had time to process and let out their tears.
***
Kuroo and Kenma didn’t talk for the next couple of days. It hurt Kuroo, both in his lungs and in his heart, to see Kenma so hurt and avoiding him. How could he give up on him? This couldn’t be how it ended.
He didn’t know what to do. There was the option of surgery, to get the flowers removed, but he didn’t know if he could do it. That would mean losing a huge part of himself, his feelings for Kenma and all the memories that were tinted with them. But if he couldn’t, it would be fatal.
A few days after the last time they talked, Kenma pulled Kuroo aside after practice to talk. He looked nervous, but his voice was sure as he stared Kuroo down.
“You should get it removed.”
“I… can’t.” It pained Kuroo to say it, but he felt like it was the only option.
“Why not?” Kenma looked frustrated.
“I can’t bring myself to do it”
“You’re gonna die if you don’t, I can’t love you in that way.”
“How do you know for sure, maybe if you just tried—”
“You think I haven’t tried?” Kenma yelled, cutting him off. Kuroo paused, he could see the pain in Kenma’s eyes.
“Look,” Kuroo needed Kenma to understand. “I care about you too much to give up on this.”
“Clearly you don’t care if you’re just gonna die and leave me.”
“It’s not like that.”
“It sure looks like that.”
“I’m saying that my love for you is the most important thing in the world to me, I can’t just give it up like that!”
“But you can, that’s what the surgery is for!”
“I know that, I mean my heart won’t let me.”
“Then maybe you should listen to your brain for once.” Kenma was getting increasingly frustrated.
“It’s not that simple.” Kuroo sighed, he just couldn’t get Kenma to understand.
“I don’t get why you can’t just think about this logically.”
“Love isn’t logical, it’s messy, it needs sacrifices to work.” He had to be right about this.
“If you care so much about stupid romantic feelings that you’ll sacrifice your life for nothing then you’re a fucking idiot!”
Kenma had never yelled at him like that before, Kuroo could hear the pain in his voice, see the pain in his eyes as the tears fell. It was pain that Kuroo had caused, and there was nothing he could say to take that pain away, so he said nothing. Kenma stormed off, and again they were no closer to fixing this.
***
Another week passed of the same silence between them. Kuroo felt awful not being able to see Kenma like they used to, but he was sure this was why he couldn’t get the flowers and his feelings removed, he wouldn’t be the same without them. Kenma was stubborn as well, neither of them showed any sign of changing their stance.
The flowers had gotten continually worse, he was almost always coughing, often with chunks of petals. Everyone knew now, it was impossible to hide, but he hadn’t told many people the whole situation. Most people’s reactions to the flowers were sympathy, another poor soul at the mercy of unrequited love. But there was a sense of honour with it, for staying true to his love right until the end. Love is pain, after all.
One morning, Kuroo woke up coughing up whole flowers and he had to stay home, unable to get out of bed. He spent the day alone in his room, wishing the flowers would stop or for them to put him out of his misery. After some unknown number of hours, the door to his room opened, and he looked up with blurry eyes to see Kenma standing in front of him.
“Kenma, what are you—” He was cut off by more coughing.
“Don’t ask me that, you know why I’m here.” Kenma said as he walked closer and knelt beside the bed. He let his head fall to Kuroo’s chest and hit him weakly.
“You’re so stupid.”
Kuroo choked out a small laugh and stroked Kenma’s head. “I know,” he said weakly.
“What’s so good about love if it does this to people?”
“It’s better when it goes right.” Kuroo imagined the long and happy life he could have had with Kenma if it weren’t for this.
“I hate it,” Kenma said, holding back tears, “Why does this have to happen? It’s not fair, I do love you.”
“Then why won’t the flowers stop?”
“Because I can’t love you like you love me. I’m trying, I really am, I hate seeing you like this but I just can’t.”
Kuroo’s shirt was wet with Kenma’s tears as he let everything out. “Please just stop it. Please don’t die, don’t leave me, I need you Kuroo. I love you, I don’t want to be the reason you die.”
“Kenma, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you.” It wasn’t supposed to go like this. What else could he have done?
“Of course it’s going to hurt me to lose my best friend, to know that I hurt you and there’s nothing I can do about it. You’re my world Kuroo, if I could return your feelings I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m sorry I can’t love you the way those stupid flowers want me to.”
“It’s not just the flowers.” As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Kuroo knew his own stubbornness was partly to blame.
“What do you mean?” Kenma looked up at his best friend.
“I want you to love me like I love you,” Kuroo said, finally letting his feelings out. “I want your world to light up whenever you see me. I want to be the one you think of when you’re happy or sad. I want us to be there for each other through anything. I want you to hold me close and feel safe in my arms. I want to move in together and adopt three cats and wake up together every morning. I want to grow old together and never get tired of being with you.”
Kenma held Kuroo’s gaze, a softer look in his eyes than before.
“I do too.”
“But you don’t, not like I do.” Kuroo knew it was futile.
“I do,” Kenma insisted, “You mean everything to me. Those things aren’t just romantic, I want them too. I want to be with you forever. I want you to be my life partner just without the romance part. I don’t want you to leave me.”
“Really?” Kuroo wanted desperately to believe it, “You won’t leave me? We won’t just drift apart as friends?”
“Not as long as you don’t leave me behind for some stupid romantic feelings.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
Something inside of Kuroo shifted into place. The love in his heart was no longer burning with want, but a peaceful warm. Kenma’s love was different than his, but it was the same temperature, was able to mix with ease. He didn’t need Kenma’s love to change, to be the same as his, they loved each other and that was all Kuroo had ever wanted.
His thoughts were cut off by a coughing fit, this one more painful than any of the others. Kenma watched with panicked concern as he coughed up large clumps of petals until suddenly Kuroo’s lungs felt clear for the first time in weeks. He pushed aside the petals until he found something else and picked it up, a small bundle of roots.
“Why? What happened? I didn’t change,” Kenma said, unsure if it was really over.
“But I did,” Kuroo understood now. “I let go of my unrequited love, and I accepted yours instead.”
Kenma looked confused, “What about your romantic love, wasn’t that the most important thing to you?”
“You’re the most important thing to me,” Kuroo said. “I should have listened to you earlier. All I wanted was to be with you, I shouldn’t have had these expectations that you couldn’t reach. Your platonic love is just as important as my romantic love.”
Kenma smiled and hugged Kuroo, clinging on to him as tight as he could.
“Thank you,” Kenma said quietly.
“For what?”
“For not dying. For accepting me as I am. For being my best friend.”
“I don’t deserve you. Thank you for saving me from myself.” After everything Kuroo had put Kenma through, he was so grateful to still have his best friend beside him. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
And that was all they needed.