Chapter Text
“You know you’re in love with him, right?” Tommy bites out as Buck turns away.
“What?” he reels back, turning on his heel to look at the older man. “What are you even talking about?”
They have been fighting for hours, though Buck would be hard pressed to tell you what started it. Whatever it was had spiraled into a multitude of different fights. About how Buck was insecure which turned into how Tommy was jealous of Buck’s success with the 118. That had turned into nit-picking each other’s tiny habits. And it had ended with Tommy spitting “maybe this just isn’t working.”
Buck had ached at the words, at the idea of someone else leaving—especially Tommy, because Tommy had unlocked so many new things for him and this had felt so right that Buck thought it was it, what he’d been chasing all these years. But he didn’t feel the anguish he expected to find. Perhaps it was buried beneath the anger he was feeling.
He has never fought with a partner like this. With every ex prior, it had been more gradual, more subtle until the both of them lost the energy to keep up. In the past, Buck had been the one latching on, holding tightly and begging them to stay.
It should hurt more but maybe the fact that he doesn’t want to fight for them anymore is as a good a sign as any.
Which brings them to now, when Tommy stands in the doorway, holding his coat, and turns to chuck the accusation at him.
“Eddie” he says like it’s obvious. “You know you’re in love with him, right?”
Buck huffs out a laugh at the desperate attempt to anger him. “Get out, Tommy.”
Tommy doesn’t move, just shrugs. “I mean look at how miserable you get any time Eddie spends time with friends that aren’t you. And the way you’re always with him. I mean, it’s kind of sad.” Buck shakes his head but he continues, “you’re like a kicked puppy, following around this guy.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Buck steps towards him, anger pumping through his veins. Buck has never been a violent person, has always been more willing to let people take their anger out on him. But now Tommy’s bringing Eddie into this and a surge of protectiveness surprises him. “You should leave.”
“You can keep playing dumb but I’m not blind. I see the way you look at him.” Tommy says but mercifully, he turns to the door and opens it. “I just think you should think harder about who’s attention you were reallyfighting for.”
And then he’s gone. Buck resists the urge to wake his neighbors by slamming his door, instead shutting it carefully and then pressing his back to the surface.
Where did Tommy get off making accusations like that? He knew the older man was angry but that was entirely unnecessary.
Buck scoffs and pushes off the door. He needs a drink.
--
Even though he knows the whole situation is ridiculous, he can’t get the words out of his mind.
Had he been acting weird? Did Eddie think he was in love with him?
The whole concept is insane—he’s not in love with Eddie. Sure, they were close, but they were best friends!
Buck had never had a best friend before, and Eddie hadn’t either so maybe they just didn’t do this friendship thing the ‘correct’ way for an outsider looking in. But they were just friends!
“What’s on your mind?” Bobby tears him from his thoughts, standing before him at the kitchen sink.
“Uh…Tommy” he admits the half-truth. He’s a talker, it was his way of working through any and every problem he encountered. This felt different, though. It was dangerous territory to admit Tommy’s words to anyone, even Bobby.
“Trouble in paradise?” Bobby prods and Buck shrugs. Bobby drops the pan he was washing to move closer to Buck. “What’s going on?”
“We broke up” Bobby’s face shifts into something more sympathetic.
“I’m sorry, kid. I know you really liked him.”
“I-I did but…I don’t think I did at the end.” Bobby fixes him with a confused glance, silently asking for more information. “We had this huge fight over nothing and it turned into us picking each other apart. I don’t know, I guess it just showed me his true colors.”
Bobby hums with a nod. “The heat of the moment can have that effect.”
It’s clear that Bobby is trying to play this neutral, facial and body expressions giving away none of his true feelings on the situation. He can’t quite figure out what Bobby’s true feelings are, though. Bobby had been frustratingly quiet this whole time, not offering Buck any thoughts on his and Tommy’s relationship.
Everyone had, if Buck really thought about it. No one had pressed him for information on how it was going or how he was feeling. The more he thought about it, the more he realized the strangeness of it all. The team had always had thoughts on his relationships, had been quick to tell him to let go of Abby’s ghost and to break up with Taylor. The quietest had been Natalia and that was likely because they only lasted 2 months and there wasn’t much to say before she was gone anyway. He and Tommy had dated for 6 months and yet, none of them had uttered a word about their relationship.
“And he-he said something that’s got me thinking” Buck says before he can think better of it, shoving down the new addition to his spiral.
“Whatever he said, you can’t read too much into it. You know what they say about angry words.”
“That they’re the truth?” Buck fills in, feeling defeat in his bones. Because maybe everything Tommy had said, perfectly and perhaps unintentionally curated to pick out Buck’s deep-seated insecurities, was right. Maybe it was already on everyone’s minds.
“That the person’s hurting” Bobby corrects and Buck sucks his bottom lip into his mouth. “What did he say?”
Buck chews on his lip thoughtfully, internally debating the best course of action. If he spills it all out, Bobby will ask why it’s bothering him so much and he doesn’t have an answer to that. If he deflects, he’ll be nowhere closer to figuring this out.
Instead, he asks, “How did you know you loved Athena?”
Bobby doesn’t flinch at the sudden change of topic, an impressive feat as even Buck feels the ground rumble at his change of course.
“I don’t know that there was one moment. I realized that I wanted to spend all my time with her, she was the one person I felt safest with and could tell everything to. I knew that she knew me and cared for me enough to support me and push me back in line on my worst days. And that I never wanted to lose her.” Bobby says with a small smile at the thought of his wife.
That’s what Buck wishes he had. No matter how happy he’d been in any of his relationships, he had never felt that level of security and unconditional love in any of them.
“What did he say, Buck?” Bobby pushes, never a man to be deterred from his mission.
“He…he said that I was in love with Eddie.” Buck huffs out an incredulous laugh. If he plays it off as a joke, maybe it wouldn’t hit the open air as harshly as they had struck Buck.
Bobby doesn’t even blink and that is just more confusing than anything. “So?” Bobby asks when he’s quiet for another moment. He has an eyebrow quirked with the question, hands opening with the question.
“So?” Buck echoes in disbelief. “So, what does that mean? Why would he say that?”
“Maybe he was deflecting, trying to push the pain he was feeling off on you.” Bobby muses and Buck drops his hands into his hands. He was doing it again, making it all about him. A chronic flaw that he couldn’t seem to shake off. “The question is, why is it bothering you so much?”
And that makes Buck pause. Why was it bothering him so much?
Plenty of people had made incorrect assumptions about him and Eddie—patients on calls had asked them how long they’d been together and the barista at the coffee shop near Eddie’s house consistently called him “Mr. Diaz,” something he’d long since stopped correcting. It had never bothered him before.
Probably because Tommy knew them. He had spent time with them both, both together and apart. He knew their dynamic and had experienced it firsthand. He had sat with Buck, Eddie, and Christopher and seen more than anyone else ever had.
“I…I don’t know” Buck sighs. “What if Eddie…do you think I made him uncomfortable?”
Bobby’s eyebrow is furrowing again, and he moves to sink into the seat beside Buck. “Did Eddie say you were making him uncomfortable?”
No, Eddie had never said anything. In fact, Eddie had been the only person in his life who never made him feel bad about who he was. Eddie had taken Buck’s everything and accepted it without complaint. Never had Eddie complained that Buck came over 5 nights out of the week or that he had taken over responsibilities that should be reserved for Chris’s father. Moreso, Eddie had accepted it immediately and offered more.
Buck shakes his head, “No, but what if he just…didn’t want to make it weird by telling me I’m overstepping?”
“Has Eddie ever been dishonest with you?” Bobby pushes.
He thinks of the way that Eddie had lied to everyone, about Kim and Marisol and about the street fighting. His mind reels back to how it had only taken one look from Buck for Eddie to cave and admit it all. Buck thinks back to the will and how Eddie had told him every detail that he asked for without faltering. The way Eddie had never shied away from being sassy or sarcastic when Buck was being ridiculous, even if it could potentially hurt Buck to hear. How he’d joked with Buck about Chimney punching him but had known immediately when he’d hit too hard and backed down immediately.
“Never,” He insists.
“So, why do you think he wouldn’t tell you if he felt uncomfortable?” And Buck doesn’t have any response to that. “I don’t think that Eddie’s comfort is what you’re really worrying about.”
Buck looks at the older man, hoping that the answers to his problems will be written on his face. Bobby offers nothing, however, just looks at him meaningfully before stepping away from the island. But Buck doesn’t know what the meaning could be.
--
He knows he’s being weird but he’s afraid. Afraid that he’s been overstepping, been acting weird in a way that people were picking up on and were too afraid to tell him before.
So, he becomes more mindful of his actions. It wasn’t until he started thinking about it that he realized just how tactile he had been with Eddie. His hands pull on their own accord towards Eddie whenever he’s within reach. Feet and legs point right at the other man whenever he entered a room as though ready to sprint towards him. His gaze always found Eddie’s in any room, no matter how crowded.
Were these the things that made Tommy think he was in love with Eddie?
He just has to be more mindful, pay attention to the way he was projecting himself.
Eddie doesn’t seem bothered, though, when Buck moves his seat to the other end of the truck on calls or keeps his hands to himself when they talk at the table. Eddie doesn’t say a word when Buck sits with his forearms pressed to his thighs while they watch TV rather than with his legs sprawled across Eddie’s lap. Doesn’t even mention it when Buck makes a conscious effort to not touch their fingers when Eddie passes him the salt at team dinner.
Either Eddie had noticed all of these things before and was happy to finally be free of them or he’d never noticed before. Whichever it was, it was driving Buck crazy trying to untangle it.
How long had he been overbearing and bothering Eddie?
Was this why everyone left? Because he couldn’t be careful enough, mindful enough, to know when he was making people uncomfortable? Why had no one told him earlier?
If nothing else, he’s grateful to Tommy for bringing it to his attention so he could stop.
It slowly spreads to everyone in the firehouse. Buck 1.0 had been too flirty, too intense, even in casual relationships. He thought he’d grown a lot since then but Tommy’s words make him reconsider.
Had he always put his hands on Hen’s shoulder when he laughed? What about the way he kicked Chimney’s foot when he made a joke? Was he bothering Bobby when he force fed spoonful’s of whatever recipe he was cooking? Just how long had he been doing these little things that drove others out?
It’s just a matter of stopping. He can stop reaching for Hen’s arm when he laughs, even if it means he starts to topple—he’s always laughed with his whole body, probably due to his proportions and height, but he can stop that too. Buck can make sure to just politely laugh at Chimney’s jokes and keep his limbs to himself. When Bobby and he cook, he can offer Bobby a spoon and let him serve himself. That would do it.
A week passes and then another and slowly Buck’s pulled back from all of his annoying habits.
A small buddle of pride threatens to peak in him at his self-control. A larger shadow over his shoulder is quick to shove it down, though, reminding him that he didn’t deserve a pat on the back for behaving normal. Appropriate. This was how most people acted and he had gone and taken advantage of their kindness.
He stops seeing everyone outside of work eventually. It’s hard, keeping himself in control all the time. When he goes to Maddie and Chim’s it’s hard not to pull Jee into his lap and hold her to his chest for longer than a few seconds. It hurts to not fall into Maddie’s safe arms when she sits beside him on their couch. Going to Bobby and Athena’s means he spends the whole night tracking his limbs and words, watching for how they’re being perceived.
Spending time with Eddie has been the hardest. Before, he had let himself wander their halls like he belongedthere. He had touched their belongings with no care and had let himself fall into their couch. Had pressed kisses into Christopher’s head and let his hand drape over Eddie’s shoulder. Now, he can see just how uncomfortable that must have been for them.
They’ve stopped reaching out for him too, stopped looking at him strangely for his change. It was gratitude, he realized, that they wouldn’t have to tell him about their discomfort and make things weird for the whole team.
He doesn’t register how withdrawn he’s become until they’re on a call—a man and his dog tumbled over the side of a cliff. Bobby ordered Buck to harness up and go get them—and Eddie goes to check his harness. Eddie’s avoiding his eyes as he tucks a finger between the strap and Buck’s chest.
Buck’s whole body goes rigid in anticipation, and he can’t stop the tremor that works over him when he feels the touch. Eddie catches it, too, made apparent by the way Eddie’s eyes snap up to him.
Brown eyes lock into his and Buck slightly hates the way he can read Eddie like a book. Eddie looks concerned. Concerned about him.
Unnecessarily, he might add.
“All set?” He asks, pulling on the strap and looking down to avoid Eddie’s eye. The other man just hums an affirmative and for a long second, he doesn’t move away. When Buck continues to fumble with the straps, he finally backs up and tells Buck to be careful.
The call goes without a hitch and before long, they’re pressed back into the ladder truck. He’s carefully sat in his seat, away from Eddie, with his knees pointed toward the door. He answers when prompted and the conversation flows easily. Eddie, though, is silent, and when Buck braves a look at him, he finds the brown eyes already locked on him.
What had he been doing now? He mentally goes over his body language and thinks back to his past words, scouring for the error he made but he can’t find it.
Maybe he’d been talking too much, silencing others who wanted to chime in. That had to be it, he decides, clamping his mouth shut. It seemed that no matter how much he tried, too much of him would always spill over.
“Buck,” Eddie stops him as soon as the doors open and Buck bites his lip. It was going to come out now, wasn’t it? “Come over”
“Oh,” Buck says dumbly and Eddie’s face shifts into confusion, “I-I was gonna get some laundry”
It’s a lie. Buck had already deep-cleaned his entire apartment twice over in boredom, had done all his laundry, and done more workouts than probably healthy.
“Bring it with you, you can use my machine.” Eddie shrugs like it’s that simply.
It’s not.
Because that was a boundary he had crossed, too. Going to Eddie’s and doing laundry in his machine when he could use his apartment’s washing room and using Bobby’s kitchen to practice cooking even though he had his own perfectly good kitchen at home. Asking Maddie if he could come over to hang out on their couch instead of his own. It was too much.
“I-“ Buck stutters because he knows as well as Eddie that there’s no valid reason Buck can’t come over. “O-okay” he settles for.
He can do it, he can hold it together and not be too much for one night.