Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

"Taerae, have I ever told you that every time I'm met with the slightest inconvenience, I give myself the most mentally unstable, stably homosexual dye job I can?"

Taerae sneaks a peek at Hao's head. "Is that why you're blonde now?"

In response, Hao collapses onto the nearest relatively solid object as dramatically as he can. Which would probably be a lot more effective if he had a bed or a sentient rock to flop onto Disney Princess-style, but considering how they're smack in the middle of the cafeteria, his minor inconvenience-induced swooning only serves to give Taerae the impression of a geriatric seal on cocaine. In the most fabulous way possible, of course, because Hao is many things, and one of those many things is Fabulous. With a capital F.

(Well, Taerae's many things too. No one can say the best hype boy in town isn't one of them.)

"So...uh...what happened?" Taerae asks cautiously.

In response, Hao lifts his head for a grand total of two point five seconds before letting it fall again, even more dramatically than the first time (if that's even possible). Taerae elects to keep his mouth shut about the fact that his forehead's probably picked up at least twenty different kinds of new diseases (those cafeteria tables have seen some shit) and starts trying his hand at detective work instead. Which he's pretty good at, if he does say so himself. After all, his ego's still pretty inflated from the one time he'd managed to track down the guy with the biggest dick in the entirety of the Music department---and actually get a taste of said dick. (All good detectives deserve some payment, after all.)

"Was Gyuvin talking about Ricky's toes again?"

"No," Hao mumbles into the table. Or maybe to the table, for all Taerae knows. He's heard tables are very good listeners.

"Oh, good, because if I have to hear about Ricky's toes one more time, I will murder everyone in this room and then myself."

"I wish he talked about Ricky's toes."

"What? How could you---wait. No." Realisation crashes into Taerae like Truck-kun, except unfortunately, no matter how many times he goes jaywalking hoping to be isekai-ed into a historical manhua as the prettiest princess in the kingdom with a harem of supremely hot, supremely big-dicked soldiers, just like all those times, the crash is metaphorical. Because there's only one thing (he mentally prays that his inner monologue won't get copyrighted by STAYC) that could be worse than Gyuvin's toe fetish. Or, considering how he vehemently insists that it's only Ricky's toes he likes whenever anyone questions him about it, maybe his Ricky fetish in general. "They didn't."

Hao groans. Rolls over. Except the cafeteria tables are ridiculously small, so all he does is flop face-down into the floor (and probably pick up about twenty more new infectious diseases while he's at it). To his credit, Hao definitely isn't one to shy away from committing to the bit, so he remains on the ground. (Rosé would be proud.) "They did. With tongue."

Yup. That sounds exactly like something Ricky and Gyuvin would do---committing the worst crime possible to their fellow man, the unforgivable sin, the crème de la crème, the queue et des boules (or something like that. Taerae wouldn't know, considering how his only source of French is Matthew, and Matthew's never been known for teaching appropriately safe for work things): making out in front of Hao.

(With tongue too, apparently.)

"Yeah, I don't blame you. I think I would shave my entire scalp if they did that to me," Taerae supplements helpfully, and Hao proceeds to do his best impression of a rock. "If it helps, the blonde looks absolutely fantastic on you."

Hao glances up with eyes that look like they came straight out of Sailor Moon. Well, gay out of Sailor Moon. "Really? How does it make my ass look?"

Taerae shoots him two thumbs ups. And then curls his toes into thumbs ups (toes ups?) too, even though Hao can't see them. (He's not going to tell him that. Unlike Gyuvin, he does not particularly enjoy talking about toes.) "Fatter than Ricky's wallet."

"Just as God intended it to be." Okay, they're getting somewhere. Taerae's finally coaxed an emotion that isn't despair out of Hao's tone. Although horniness may not be all that much better.

Because Hao may actually die (from either suffocation or bacterial infection, whichever comes first) if he remains on the floor for much longer and losing his gossip buddy would obviously be so not fetch, Taerae decides to bring out the big guns, the nuclear bombs, the queue et des boules---because Taerae is a huge fan of using phrases that he doesn't even know the meaning of and blaming Matthew if anyone calls him out on it, no homo françias. "If you die now, you won't be able to hear what I found out about Jimin and Minjeong."

It works. Hao miraculously comes back to life (without Taerae even needing to kiss him again, hallelujah), springing to his feet with a few misplaced knee creaks (hah, old) and the kind of shit-eating grin on his face only the promise of worldwide news can create---or at least, what the duo voted Most Likely To Actually Find John Cena (Taerae still has the yearbook to prove it) never fail to make worldwide news. (They also got voted Most Likely To Start A War With Australia, but that's irrelevant.) "Are they fucking?"

"Worse," Taerae declares gleefully in the best whisper he can manage. "They're fighting."

Hao squeals. He'd squealed the exact same way during that one brojob they'd exchanged during both their Sahara spells. (Taerae almost misses his Sahara spells. That was the best brojob of his life.) "Okay, now that's good. Who'd you hear that from?"

"Oh, just my friend's cousin's brother's uncle's pet fish," Taerae replies flippantly. "And you'll never believe this, Hao. It's because---"

"Hi!" a familiar voice interjects, right before hesitating immediately. "Sorry, was I interrupting something?"

Oh. Taerae's heart skips a beat.

The worst thing about tracking down the dude with the biggest dick in the Music department (the Dance subsection, but still) and then sleeping with the dude is that now Taerae actually has to. Well. See said dude. On a daily basis. (Or at least a weekly one.) Which would be fine, because Sung Hanbin is ridiculously easy on the eyes, if it weren't for the fact that Taerae can't look at him without his brain conjuring up at least five hundred and sixty-nine mental images of the absolute monster he's got.

(And kind of wanting it in him again. He's loyal that way.)

Anyway, Taerae's newfound Sahara spell aside (it's been exactly two weeks, fourteen hours, twenty-one minutes, and thirty-eight seconds, but hey, who's counting?) the man with the biggest dick in the entire Music department, also known as Sung Hanbin, is standing right in front of him. Fully clothed. With pink hair. With pink fucking hair holy shit oh my gosh yeah I'm going to ride him sooo hard---

"Hey, Hao!" Hanbin chirps. "Love the new hair. And---" It might just be Taerae's overactive imagination, but he swears Hanbin's cheeks turn the same shade as his new(ish? Last time Taerae checked, he was still blonde) dye job. "Hi, Taerae. Am I interrupting anything?"

Taerae short-circuits a little.

"Yes," he manages to squeak out. "I mean---no. I mean---yes. I mean---"

Hao, who has had more than his fair share of experience stepping in for the socially inept and dick-dumb alike (and has also heard way too many hours of Taerae squealing over how Hanbin had actually let him take a measuring tape to his dick, what a man---they're definitely getting the I.O.I copyright infringement notice next), quickly cuts him off. "No, not at all. I totally was not about to get the juiciest scoop since like...when the news that Wonyoung and Yuna were dating leaked!"

"Uh, Hao," Taerae points out. "That was yesterday."

"Your point being?"

Hanbin looks instantly chastised, turning away. "I'm so sorry! I'll just---"

"No, wait, stay. I'm kidding." Hao shoots the most undiscrete wink in the world in Taerae's direction, one that lets him know I've got your back, bro. And your ass. (Taerae almost sheds a tear. It's the thought that counts.) "What brings you here, gorgeous? Did you come to see---" He gestures to Taerae, who is pretty sure he's turning about fifty different shades of red right about now--- "My beautiful, fantastic, talented comrade? Did I ever mention that he can play the guitar with his toes, hanging upside down from the ceiling? Or that he scores one hundred and one out of one hundred for every subject? Or that he fights off several venomous tigers when he climbs every hill both ways to get to university every morning?"

(This time, Taerae really does shed a tear. Forget love, Hao's ruined his standards for men forever.)

Hanbin shoots Taerae a giant smile, one that simultaneously brings out the whisker dimples in his cheeks, sends the sun into hiding for fear of being usurped, and one-shot K.O.'s Taerae's poor, weak, fragile, men-loving heart. (Also, instantly spikes up his libido. Fuck, that smile, mmm.) "Really? You're amazing, Taerae!" he exclaims, without a single hint of sarcasm in his voice, because Sung Hanbin simply does not know how to be sarcastic. Before Taerae has the chance to take Hao's earlier place on the floor, Hanbin continues, "But actually, I'm here to ask if you guys want to nominate someone for the Best Couple Contest!"

"The what?" Hao stands up, slamming both palms on the shitty cafeteria table (which fortunately holds its own even against the ten thousand kilowatts of pure homosexual energy bearing down on it, bless its soul). "Why didn't I hear about this?"

Hanbin blushes. "Well, it's because we actually just came up with it five minutes ago. See, Gunwook was walking to school this morning when he saw this animal shelter that had a For Sale sign on its front door."

Hao gasps.

"As well as a crying girl on the doorstep."

Hao gasps even louder.

"And a bunch of sad animals in cages."

Hao gasps so loud he breaks the sound barrier and effectively drowns Hawaii in one sonic boom. Taerae privately thanks whichever author chronicling their lives for their incredible foresight in making his best friend extra dramatic, because that just means they won't have to fork out the extra cash for the laugh track.

"Anyway, he talked to the girl and found out she was the owner of the shelter, and that the shelter was closing down because they simply couldn't afford to stay open any longer. Which meant..." Hanbin looks like he's holding back tears. (A man perfectly in touch with his own emotions. Taerae swoons.) "That all the puppies and kitties would be going to...the pound."

"No!" Hao shrieks. The resounding sonic boom takes out California this time.

"Obviously, we couldn't just sit there and let it happen! So the student council decided to host a competition, and Matthew suggested a Best Couple Contest! In which you have to pay to vote for or nominate anyone, obviously, because we would never be able to raise money for the shelter if this was free."

Taerae blinks. "That's...actually a good idea. Hey, Hao, are you sure Matthew only got into student council just because the president's his boyfriend?"

"So, let me guess, Mr Vice President, I assume you're going around to collect said couple nominations?" Hao asks.

"Yup!" Hanbin replies cheerfully, eyes crinkling up at the edges. It's then that Taerae realises he's holding a box almost half the size of him with a messily carved slot that looks almost like a---never mind, he wouldn't know anyway---right on top. (In his defense, Taerae had been way more focused on other things about Hanbin besides giant boxes.) "Would you like to nominate anyone?"

"How much is it?" Hao asks, pulling out his wallet. Taerae's pretty sure he sees a fly unsteadily totter out of the cracked fabric. Which also happens to be held together by rubber bands and patches of rather suspicious-looking black mold. Forget wallet, that's a biohazard.

"Six hundred won."

Hao turns to Taerae with pleading eyes.

Taerae sighs, reaching for his own wallet. "If it's for the puppies---"

"And the kitties," Hanbin interjects.

"And the kitties, because I have been taught never to argue with a beautiful man, I'll do it. Hao, who should we nominate?"

"Gyuvin and Ricky?" Hao suggests.

They look at each other. And immediately burst out laughing.

Yeah, not a chance in hell.

"Hey, Hanbin," Hao starts. "If anyone nominates Gyuvin and Ricky, could you do me a favour and rig the box? Just take their names out. I'll even pay you for it."

Hanbin glances at the wad of bills Hao's somehow managed to conjure up from thin air. (Taerae is about ninety-eight percent sure he pulled it out from between his tits.) "That is Monopoly money."

Hao sighs dramatically enough to sink Arkansas. "Can't blame a man for trying."

👑

"Good morning, everyone!" Gunwook's voice echoes through the megaphone he's holding.

"It's two p.m," Matthew interjects, leaning over. Considering how the entire student body is gathered in the courtyard and can hear Matthew even though he's whispering, Taerae's not entirely sure why Gunwook's bothering with the megaphone at all. A for Effort, he supposes.

"Shh, babe, good morning sounds so much better for dramatic effect. Anyway, hello, everyone! It's your student council president speaking!" A few students near Gunwook wince at the feedback bouncing out of the megaphone. Another sonic boom takes out Chicago this time. "As I'm sure you've heard, we'll be having a Best Couple Contest for world domination---uh, I mean animal saving---and your nominations have all been collected! We've---and by we, I mean our unpaid intern, thank you, Daeul---tallied all the nominations, and we've selected seven lucky couples from your nominations to go head-to-head against each other in this exciting contest!"

"For once, Gunwook's right. This actually does sound exciting," Hao muses.

"How is this going to work, you may ask? Well, all of you will be given the chance to cast your votes for the couple you think is the best! But only if you have money, of course. This is for the animals. Anyway, each day, the couple with the least votes will be eliminated until by the end of the week, there is only one couple left standing! That couple will be crowned the Best Couple of the Year and receive a sur-prize!"

"Did you say that last bit just because Jiwoong-hyung told you a pun and you couldn't wait to use it, or is it because you don't actually know what the prize is going to be yet?" Matthew quips. Gunwook instantly shuts him up with a kiss. (Maybe Taerae should invest more effort into being annoying. It might get him kisses too.)

Nevertheless, the crowd goes wild. Hao and Taerae instantly begin hugging each other and jumping up and down, because they just have a lot of feelings. Also just because they can.

"Okay, so a lot of you nominated Matthew and I. Unfortunately, as the organisers of this whole thing, we are ineligible from participating due to possible accusations of vote rigging. We are not having a repeat of the turkey incident." Gunwook goes red, especially when his boyfriend pushes himself up on his toes to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, though. We're very flattered."

What follows is at least two minutes of PDA. Taerae conveniently goes blind and deaf until it's over.

"The first couple is..." Matthew glances at the bottom of his foot. "Top Jyuvgcin and Jim Nunheog?"

"Yoo Jimin and Kim Minjeong, babe," Gunwook corrects gently, evidently electing to ignore the fact that all the furniture in the courtyard has started floating.

From the corner of his eye, Taerae spots Minjeong's mouth falling open in a gasp before she shoots an angry glance at her girlfriend and steps away from her. Jimin returns the gesture. Huh. I guess my source wasn't lying about them having bad blood right now.

"The second couple is...Park Hanbin and Lee Jeonghyeon!"

"All right!" Something flies into the air. Taerae assumes it's Park Hanbin. Or it could just be more levitating furniture, which still has yet to rediscover gravity.

"The third couple is...Kim Gyuvin and Shen Quanrui!"

"Oh, fuck no," Hao wails, just as the PDA plague instantly hits them in a wave so hard he falls to his knees. Another sonic boom has New York sinking into the ocean. Taerae conveniently goes blind and deaf again for so long that by the time he regains all senses (or at least most of them, because seeing Gyuvin and Ricky make out in public tends to give one permanent brain damage), Gunwook's clearing his throat again.

"And the seventh couple is..."

"Oh my gosh, I bet it's going to be Wonyoung and Yuna. It has to be Wonyoung and Yuna. I bet actual money on it being Wonyoung and Yuna," Hao chants excitedly.

Taerae shoots him a confused glance. "I thought you were broke."

"Okay, so this one actually fell for the Monopoly money trick. Hey, it's that guy's fault for being blind as shit," Hao says with a shrug, and because Taerae supports women's rights and women's wrongs, all he can do is agree. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, as the youngsters say.

"ZHANG HAO AND KIM TAERAE!"

"Huh?" Hao's mouth falls open.

"What?" Taerae's jaw hits the bacteria-infested ground.

His first instinct is to protest. To stand up and insist that he and Hao aren't even a couple, so what the heck are they doing in a best couple contest, and---

Taerae stops. There's a glint in Hao's eye, one that he knows all too well. Because he's been best friends with Hao for years, and what he knows is that Hao never backs down from a challenge. Especially when the slightest potential of winning some sweet, sweet cash is involved and Hao's wallet consists of rubber bands, about fifty grams of black mold, and one constantly-hungover fly.

("You should really get rid of that thing," Taerae had suggested once, when said fly had staggered drunkenly out of Hao's wallet, plucked the bag of nacho cheese Doritos straight from Taerae's fingers, and proceeded to settle itself down on Hao's bed for a nap.

"That is my pet, you monster," Hao had hissed in reply.)

Well. Taerae can relate, since he's pretty much the same.

"Hey, Taerae," Hao starts, a twinkle of mischief gleaming in his gaze. "In it to win it?"

Taerae mentally weighs out his options in his head (even though everyone's cheering and clapping and it's getting really hard to think, but then again, Taerae did not get a gold star in internal monologuing for no reason.)

Pros: Hao's hot. He'd have a hot fake boyfriend. He'd have a really hot fake boyfriend who gives excellent brojobs, and this whole fake boyfriend thing might result in another one of those. And Taerae has never been one to say no to excellent brojobs. Also, if they win, they'd be able to stop the plague that is Chronic PDA (also known as Kim Gyuvin and Shen Quanrui) from spreading across the world and creating yet another global disaster, like the time Gunwook had to go bail them out of jail for making out in public. (Taerae believes the official term used was inappropriate displays of affection, aka we don't give a fuck that you're gay as shit but we do give a fuck that you're grinding on each other in broad daylight. Hao had suggested just leaving them in jail.)

Cons: none for the forseeable future. Taerae mentally rejoices that he wasn't exactly blessed with the gift of foresight. (Foreskin, maybe---never mind.)