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Caitlyn stared at the digital watch across the room. More than half an hour to go and yet, she had no more words left to share. She should have. After all, she paid for the time. Every single week for the last three months. It had helped in the beginning, she told herself. Crying out her feelings. At least that one time she had actually been able to shed tears. All the other times were a simple self reflection. As if she was just a bystander to her own life, witnessing her daily struggles from a third person perspective.
It was easier like this after all.
“Caitlyn, I get the feeling you are shutting down.” The older man in the other armchair said, his eyes observing as always.
She shrugged. “There’s just nothing more to say. I told you everything. Every single struggle I’m facing.”
He leaned forward and put his clipboard off his lap and on the bookshelf next to him, his hand folding over his knees.
“I know. I heard every single word. But I didn’t feel it. Caitlyn, you are a highly intelligent woman. That gives you the ability to reflect on your emotions. But it also allows you to establish a certain distance to them. Talking and knowing about them doesn’t mean you actually experience them.”
Caitlyn sighed. “I… I can’t. I have work to do, I can’t allow myself to have a breakdown. People are counting on me. My dad-”
“Your father has to go his own path and find his own way through his grief. You cannot help him. The funeral was months ago. I understand that you needed to take over most of the organisation because he was incapable of it, but this is over. You already chose not to follow into your mother’s footsteps many years ago. There is no need to change that now.”
“But her legacy-”
He smiled lightly. “You don’t want her legacy. To keep it up is your way of keeping the memory of her alive.”
Caitlyn buried her face in her hands. “I know. I just feel like I’m stuck.”
He leaned back and leveled her. “When was the last time you had a conversation with someone that wasn’t a colleague or a subordinate, or in my case, your therapist?”
That question had Caitlyn actually speechless. She didn’t know.
“Let’s make a deal. I’ll cut off the last twenty five minutes of the session without charging, and you go outside and find someone to talk to. A stranger. You don’t need to talk about your feelings, maybe about the weather, your favorite food or TV show, whatever. Light conversation. Do you think you can do that?”
Caitlyn only nodded, but more out of reflex. How the hell should she do that? It sounded so easy, but she had never been the greatest talker, not even before her mother died all of a sudden from a heart attack.
Her therapist stood up at the same time as she did and gave her an encouraging smile as he guided her to the door.
The cold winter breeze filled her lungs once she stood on the pavement. For a moment she just stood there, contemplating, gathering her courage, only to walk down the road as she always did, the short walk to the next subway station that would bring her back to uptown Piltover.
Familiar stores decorated the street. It was a nice neighbourhood, almost suburban but not as clean and tidy as the wealthy parts of Piltover. This was borderland. At least the local residents called it that. A few streets that connected Piltover to Zaun. It was colorful and alive in every way. Small restaurants, thrift shops next to regular fashion shops, a few barbers and gambling houses. There was always someone out there on the streets.
And then there was this one café. The one with the green door and the art deco windows, that looked like it belonged to an elderly woman, but from the inside it was bashing and colorful, graffiti on the wall and industrial style interior. Caitlyn loved it. It had instantly drawn her the first time that she saw it.
She thought about that day three months earlier. A young woman with bright blue hair, two buns and adorable freckles had greeted her, a pen between her teeth. But who had really caught her attention was the barista. Dark pink hair and even darker eyeshadow, a few piercings on her freckled face and deliciously muscular tattooed forearms on display by the rolled up sleeves of her black button down. Caitlyn had never been sure if she had a type in women, but she had been convinced otherwise that day.
Even more so since the barista had also been really charming, her voice slightly raspy but there was some sort of melody in it… like warm honey. Probably a good singer, she’d thought.
Caitlyn had ordered a regular large black coffee, no sugar, and an absolutely beautifully decorated cupcake with blue frosting and pink sprinkles. The barista had made a remark, something borderline on flirting. Caitlyn didn’t even remember what her words had been. What she did remember was the slight, inevitable tugging at the corners of her own mouth, a fleeting smile.
How had she even dared? Her mother had been buried only a few days earlier, but yet she’d been grinning like a teenager about being in the center of attention from a pretty woman. It was wrong. She wasn’t supposed to be happy.
So she’d fled. Practically had stormed out of the café without even looking back, almost spilling her very hot coffee. A very good coffee and an even better cupcake she’d learned later to her dismay. She hadn’t deserved it.
After that, Caitlyn had been walking by the café every week after her therapist appointments, not being able not to look through the windows as she was passing by every time, hoping to get a glimpse of the woman that still filled her thoughts some days.
Today once again, Caitlyn found herself in front of the familiar green door. Maybe this is what she was supposed to do. Walk in, order a coffee, engage in whatever smalltalk she could muster up and leave. The woman probably didn’t even remember her.
Caitlyn took a deep breath and pushed open the green door with the slightly flaking paint, basking in the warmth and delicious scent of fresh pastries and coffee. She could take some time and drink her coffee at a table even,,,
“Holy Janna, Vi it’s her.” A shrill voice sounded in the room full of low key chatter and all heads turned towards Caitlyn. She stood there rooted to the spot, stuck between fight and flight reaction. Before she could make up her mind, the blue haired waitress she remembered from her last visit stomped towards her. She was agitated.
“You got some nerves turning up again, Piltie.” The waitress practically spit in her face.
What the hell?
Caitlyn frowned, now agitated herself. “What? What’s this about?” She looked around anxious, seeing most of the patron’s faces still turned towards her without shame.
The young woman clicked her tongue. “You better turn around and move that tight ass of yours out of here.”
Caitlyn opened and closed her mouth before she scowled. “Fine.” She was just about to turn on her heels, when she heard a clonk and the sound of a swinging door.
“Powder, will you cool down for a minute?” The pretty barista crossed the distance from the counter in a few fast strides and grabbed the blue haired waitresses shoulders to turn her around and face her. “Please, I can handle this. Go take care of your tables.” She turned her head, watching the captive audience. “Everyone else get back to your own damn business.”
Without an exception everyone who had been staring swiftly moved their focus back on their plates, mugs or conversation partners, though Caitlyn knew they’d still have half an ear on them.
“Sorry. Can I get you somethin’?” The barista asked, raising a scarred eyebrow.
“I… ehm… I wanted a coffee, but I’m not sure if that was a good idea.” Caitlyn said, still wearily watching the room.
“Nah, don’t mind them, or Powder. Large black coffee, no sugar, right? Anything else?”
Caitlyn threw a glance at her name tag. Vi.
“Uhm… yes, how did you know?”
Vi tapped her pointer finger on her nose and smirked, before she turned away and walked back behind the counter. Caitlyn followed shortly afterwards, still feeling more out of place than ever before.
“So, do you want a cookie? The triple chocolate ones are fresh out of the oven.”
Caitlyn blinked, half hypnotized by dreamy gray eyes. “Yeah- Yes, please.”
“To go?”
You can do this, Kiramman.
She looked around the room and found a free spot, a small table right at the window and not too far away from the door. “I think I’ll actually… stay? If that’s okay?” She glanced over to the waitress who kept her eyes glued on her whenever she wasn’t talking to a guest.
Vi leaned her elbows on the counter and gave her an all over before she grinned. “Sure, have a seat, I’ll bring you your coffee.”
“And… If you don’t mind I’d take a large cappuccino instead?”
“Mind, naw. No problem, will be there in five minutes.”
Caitlyn gave her a weak smile that she hoped would cover her nervousness about the whole situation and walked to the free seat.
True to her words, Vi delivered the hot beverage and an absolutely mouthwatering cookie in no time. Only then did Caitlyn realise how hungry she’d been all day. She had worked until the early afternoon non-stop and left to go to therapy with an uncomfortably empty stomach, the grumble in her belly only adding to make the point.
Vi grinned. “Thought you looked hungry.”
Caitlyn smiled sheepishly and reached for the pastry to take a bit, all while the barista kept standing there, watching her intently.
“Oh my god-” She said and swallowed the bite. “This is so good!”
The barista grinned even wider. “Happy you like it, it’s my own recipe.”
Caitlyn looked at her surprised. “You made these?”
“Yeah.” Vi rubbed her hand over the trimmed side of her hair to the back of her neck. “These are all from me. My sister helps sometimes.” She pointed to the blue haired waitress. “But she always puts too much chocolate chips or sprinkles on it. The ratio has to be right.”
Caitlyn hummed in agreement, taking small nibbles from the cookie to extend the treat.
“I’ll be over there if you need anything else.” Vi said with a wink and walked back to the counter.
Caitlyn stayed there for almost an hour, ordering another cookie and a cup of peppermint tea. It was wonderful. The low background noises, pop music playing in the background, and fleeting glances at the hot barista working behind the counter. Everytime their eyes met, they both smiled before averting their gaze. She wasn’t sure if it was from the tea or these small moments, but Caitlyn felt a warmth in her chest she hadn’t felt in months.
She felt actually a bit sad when she asked for the bill.
“I’ll be right there!” Vi called from behind the counter, but her sister, Powder as Caitlyn had learned, was faster.
With an unexpected force she planted a piece of paper on the table, staying right there with her arms crossed and a scowl.
Caitlyn slightly flinched, gave her an irritated look and took out her purse while reading the bill.
1xCappuccino, large 1xPeppermint Tea 2xTriple Chocolate Cookie 1xCoffee, large 1xBlue Cupcake
“I think something went wrong, I didn’t have a large coffee or a cupcake.” She said, raising an eyebrow at Powder.
“Don’t worry, this is all correct.”
“But-”
“Everything okay? Powder, I said I would handle this.” Vi appeared next to her sister.
“Ehm, no, you wouldn’t have. I know you.” Powder said and focused back on Caitlyn. “This is what you owe us.”
“Powder, I said let it go.” Her older sister argued, reaching for the bill.
Caitlyn was confused. “I don’t understand- wait, is this what I ordered last time?” Something dawned in the back of her mind.
“Yeah, lady. That’s what you ordered last time when you made my sister pretty eyes and then just ran off without saying anything. Or paying.” Powder leaned forward, staring right into Caitlyn’s eyes.
Oh no, could she be right? Had she fled before she’d even paid for her order? Had she really been so much out of her mind?
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember-”
“It’s alright, Caitlyn. No harm done. Pretend it’s on the house, okay?” Vi took the bill and crossed out the last two positions with her own ball pen.
Powder sighed dramatically. “Oh gosh, you’re such a useless lesbian, Sis. Please, Princess, would you just tell her you’re straight so she can stop her stupid behaviour and get back to being a business woman?”
Caitlyn smiled lopsided. “I’m sorry, I cannot do that.” Earning herself a wide grin from the barista.
The waitress threw her hands up. “Fucking perfect!” And with a half amused, half annoyed look she stormed off.
“Ignore her.” Vi said, still grinning like a Cheshire cat. “So, uhm, will I see you again?”
Caitlyn nodded, smiling. And when Vi turned away with a cute salute, she opened her purse and put enough notes on the table that it would cover more than double the amount of the original bill, including the order she’d forgotten to pay for.
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From then, Caitlyn made it a habit to visit Vi’s café after her weekly therapy sessions. Most of the time she would just sit there, enjoy her drink and exchange glances with her hot barista. Sometimes, if there weren’t any new customers, Vi would sit at her table for a while, telling stories about how she found this place and saved enough money to get the loan from the bank, how she used to work as a remover before that, that she enjoyed boxing and reading books.
Most of the time Caitlyn would just listen, letting herself be dragged into a different world that seemed so free of worries. She herself hadn’t shared much, only that she was a detective working in Piltover. She didn’t share that she only came to this area for therapy. Or that her therapist was the actual reason she even came here to talk with Vi.
And the barista didn’t mind. She never asked her anything, didn’t push on something she wanted to learn more. When Caitlyn talked, she simply listened intently and waited until she was done, humming in understanding, until Caitlyn would ask something to change the topic. She very much appreciated her behaviour.
She’d thought about asking Vi on an actual date some time, but honestly Caitlyn was worried that once Vi knew all the emotional baggage she carried around all day, she’d probably run away screaming. Caitlyn didn’t think of herself as being girlfriend material. Too complicated. Too awkward. So she just enjoyed their company the way it was and was thankful that Vi never asked her out.
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Caitlyn had frequented the café for a couple of weeks, when a sudden change in schedule forced her to cancel her therapy session and postpone to a different day of the week. Her usual day was Wednesday, but this week her appointment was on Friday afternoon.
On her way from the subway station to her therapist, she noticed that Vi’s café was closed. A pity, she thought. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to see the beautiful lesbian barista after pouring her heart out to her therapist made her sad. Did Vi miss her on Wednesday when she didn’t come by like she had all the weeks before? Had she even noticed?
The therapy session was uneventful. Caitlyn talked about her plans to reduce her workload and about the hobbies she thought to pick up. Her therapist appreciated it, saying she’d made significant progress. Maybe she had. She surely felt different lately. More lighthearted. A huge improvement to her darker days after her mother’s death. But this time, she didn’t feel bad about it. Her mother wouldn’t have wanted for her to drown in her own grief.
The digital clock announced the end of the appointment. Caitlyn stored away her notebook and left the room, her mind empty from the session, but yet drifting to a certain dark pink haired barista she’d normally visit afterwards.
She stopped in her tracks as she closed the door behind her. The very woman she had just been thinking about sat right in front of her in the waiting area of the practice, her younger sister right next to her. Why on Runeterra…?
Vi’s head shot up as she recognised the movement, followed by a shocked expression. “Cupcake- Cait-lyn… what are you doing here?”
“Are you dense, Sis? What do you think she’s here for?” Powder commented with an eye roll.
“I-” Caitlyn couldn’t find the words. She felt like she’d been caught. Exposed. She’d really hoped she could hide that she was on therapy.
“Powder?” The therapist called through his door.
“That’s me!” The young woman grinned. “See you later, Sis.”
Caitlyn stared after her. Why would such a cheerful person like Powder need therapy? She hadn't been anything but nice and warm to anyone else but Caitlyn since she knew her.
“So… uhm… you’re seeing Doctor Hawk, too?” Vi asked, even though it sounded more like a statement.
Caitlyn nodded, not able to meet her eye. “Yes, for about half a year now.”
The other woman hummed. “He’s a good man, really helped my sister and me. We had a hard time last year. Vander, our adoptive dad, passed away. Left a big fucking hole in our life.”
“I wasn’t aware…” Caitlyn sat down next to her and placed her hand over Vi’s that currently rested on her knee.
Vi lifted her own hand and took Caitlyn’s in hers, squeezing it gently, staring at the floor.
“My mother died six months ago.”
Vi looked up and into her eyes, so open and compassionate Caitlyn thought her heart might burst. She swallowed the lump in her throat.
“I’m sorry, Caitlyn.”
She smiled weakly and blinked a few tears away. “It’s alright. It starts getting better.” Vi nodded understandingly and closed her other hand over her’s.
“So, I know this is a super bad moment, but… do you wanna get out of here? Grab a coffee with me? Pow’s gonna be in there for an hour.”
Caitlyn snorted. “Are you asking me on a coffee date at our therapist’s waiting room?”
Vi grinned lopsidedly. “Well, since it is obvious now that we’re equally emotionally impaired, why not give it a shot?”
She wiped away an unshed tear and stood up. “Alright, lead the way.”
The barista she had been yearning for for months, not even having the slightest bit of hope they could be more than friends, held her hand tight and walked them out of the familiar building. They got two coffees to go from a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop and walked the busy streets of borderland, hand in hand, lightly chatting as if they had not a worry in the world.
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Vi’s café never had air conditioning. Few shops in this area had, so they always kept the front door open and leant the backdoor, so a light breeze would freshen up the room. Caitlyn sat on a bar stool at the counter in jeans shorts and an oversized t-shirt she had stolen from Vi, doodling in her notebook. She was well aware that her girlfriend was watching her from where she was drying off the freshly washed up mugs, but she didn’t let it show. She wanted to get this finished by the end of the day.
“What are you drawing, Cupcake?” Vi asked, walking over to her, curiosity having obviously taken over.
“A tattoo for my ankle. A rifle with orchids in the background.” Caitlyn answered, adding a few shades with her pencil.
“Does it stand for your mom? It’s beautiful.” Her girlfriend leaned on her elbows on the opposite side of the counter and watched her draw, like she always did.
“I wanted a tattoo to remind me of her.” Caitlyn lay down her pencil and looked at her work. “I think this is it.”
Vi leaned forward and placed a kiss on her cheek. “You could do that professionally, you know? Creating tattoos.”
Caitlyn smiled at her warmly, breathing in her scent that was all coffee beans and cacao powder and Vi.
“Are you saying I should design one for you, love?”
Vi shrugged. “Yeah, why not? My front is still blank. I’d love to have something designed by you.”
Caitlyn thought about it for a moment. “I could come up with something, but… isn’t that too personal? What if we break up and it’ll turn into a bad memory?”
Vi took off her apron, walked through the swing door of the counter and stepped up where she was sitting on the barstool. Caitlyn turned towards her and let her girlfriend stand between her knees, large warm hands on both sides of her head as Vi placed a peck on her lips.
“Whatever happens between us, I could never regret a single moment with you. And honestly I don’t think that’s where we’re headed to. Or do you?” She didn’t seem to mean her question seriously, but Caitlyn could sense a hint of uncertainty swing with the words.
“You really think I would ditch the woman who makes the best coffee and pastries in the whole city?”
Vi pretended to be shocked. “Oh, you think you could be the one to break things up? You could never walk away from this.” She flexed her muscular arms with a cocky grin.
Caitlyn rolled her eyes mockingly and pulled her into a long and loving kiss.
Vi smiled against her lips. “I could close the shop in five minutes, you know.”
They looked at each other for a moment, basking in the feeling of how much they loved each other. Wanted each other.
“Hmm… no objections from my side…”