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This is an HM Special Chapter Christmas gift from me to you. A spoiler if you haven’t read Horizons Meet.
I woke up around three in the morning, only to find out that the other side of the bed is empty—no indentations, the linens are still smooth, and pillows are neatly arranged.
“Saint?” I called to check if she’s anywhere in the room. Pangalawa, pangatlo, hanggang pang apat na tawag ay walang sumagot kaya bumangon agad ako at kinapa sa ibabaw ng nightstand ang salamin ko.
I waited for my sight to fully adjust before getting up and going to the bathroom to check if she’s there. Siguradong nasa bahay lang siya dahil kapag may emergency sa ospital, gigisingin naman ako no’n bago umalis kaya ang sunod kong pinuntahan ang nursery.
The ceiling was luminated by the warm-colored stars and moons coming from the night-light projector. Then I saw Saint seated on the rocking chair, her head leaning on Chamy’s cot. Sa sahig ay nakahiga si Isra sa nakalatag na duvet na tila hinila niya mula sa sariling kama. Saint must be oblivious that our son’s on the ground, otherwise she wouldn’t let him lay there.
I planted a kiss on Isra’s forehead then carried him back to bed.
“Dragons… dinosaurs, mom… stegosaurus…” Our little boy murmured in his sleep. Kinuha ko ang mga dinosaurs niyang stuffed toy at itinabi sa paligid niya. Then I gave him another peck before walking to Saint and Chamy.
Our one year old is sleeping soundly. Hinahaplos ko ang buhok niya nang mapansing mataas ang temperatura. I immediately turned to Saint but when I saw her, I realized that maybe she knows that’s why she’s here.
“Santhrielle?” Marahan kong tawag.
Ayaw ko siyang gisingin dahil baka katutulog lang niya. Wala pa namang humpay sa pag iyak si Chamy kapag may sakit.
It did not take long before she wakes up. She tried her best to life her sleepy, watery eyes.
“Hmm?”
“Nilalagnat si Chamy?”
She looked away and yawned before returning her gaze to me. “Sinat kanina.” She placed the back of her hand on Chamy’s forehead.
“Journ, pa-prepare ng maligamgam na water, please. Tapos two towels and a wash cloth.” Aniya bago pumasok sa banyo para kuhanin ang thermometer. I immediately abided.
Pagbalik ko sa kwarto, katatanggal lang niya sa tainga ng lagi niyang gamit na white and rose gold stethoscope at nasa ibabaw na ng drawer ang thermometer. I assisted Saint as she gives Chamy a tepid sponge bath.
Nagising si Isra habang nag-aasikaso kami kaya dinalohan ko muna siya. “Everything okay, mommy?”
“Journ, baka magka-hawahan sila. Isra, darling, would it be fine with you to sleep in our bedroom muna with mommy Journey?” Saint asked him with the softest voice.
While rubbing his eyes, Isra nodded and lazily slid from the bed to the ground. Pareho kaming natawa ni Saint sa ginawa ng panganay. Binuhat ko siya at kinuha ang dalawang stuffed toys na laging katabi.
“Everything alright po, mom?” He asked again before we step out of the room.
Saint nodded. “Nothing to worry about, my love. Go back to sleep na because you have a Zoom class with your Mandarin tutor at nine. You love that, you wouldn’t want to miss it.”
“And it’s Thursday. Your friends will visit to fly kite with you, remember?”
Isra clapped his tiny hands and giggled. “I can’t wait for Chamy to get taller na, mom, then she can do these things with me.”
While here we are, hoping they’d grow slowly. Tinanguan ko muna si Saint bago siya iwan do’n para patulugin ulit ang panganay. When he fell asleep, I went back to the nursery to check on the other two.
Three days has passed since Chantelle acquired a fever and like the usual nights whenever they’re sick, we are sleepless. Parang final season no’ng college, makakalimutan mo ang pakiramdam nang tulog.
“Paracetamol drops every 4 hrs done, Amoxicillin every 8 hrs done, then vitamin drops once a day done.” Saint ran through her checklist.
She specializes in Pediatrics, ilang batang may sakit ang nakakasalamuha niya araw araw sa ospital pero lagi niyang sinasabi na pagdating sa mga anak namin, kailanma’y hindi siya masasanay.
She will always be worried and uneasy. She will never sit still. And even when she knows what to do and how to handle the situation, the fear will always be there.
Kagaya ngayon. Okay naman ang test results ni Chamy at sa kaniya na rin nanggaling na prone talaga sa sakit ang mga bata dahil hindi pa gano’ng ka-developed ang immune system nila at na matre-treat din ang infection pero siya ‘tong hindi makakain ng maayos.
“Sinta…”
“I know. I know what you’re gonna say,” Agap niya.
I chuckled and sipped on my cup of ginger tea. Kinuha ko ang plato’t tinidor niya at hiniwa-hiwa sa maliliit na piraso ang waffle. I pierced it with fork and playfully guided it to her mouth.
“Airplane~” Paggaya ko sa kung paano ko pinapakain si Isra. Mabuti at tapos nang kumain si Isra at napakain na rin si Chamy dahil kailangang uminom ng gamot. Kami nalang ang nasa hapag.
“Kainis,” Saint playfully rolled her eyes.
“Ay, eat na, dali. Bawal hindi mag finish ng food, maraming nagugutom, baby.” I said using the same tone I use to talk to the children.
“Ano ba, Journ…”
I lifted her chin and pecked on her lips. “Chamy will be fine, sinta. Kasi naaalagaan natin, mo siya ng maayos. But please take care of yourself too. Kapag nagkasakit ka, then that would be harder, my love.”
She sighed defeatedly and finished her meal. Sumandal ako at hinintay siyang matapos, tsaka ako nagligpit ng mga kinainan.
Saint had to attend to a patient who requested for her son to have an online checkup so I took my guitar and went to the nursery.
“Jamming time? Yehey!” Isra exclaimed. He loves music—songs of different genre. Depende sa mood niya kung ano ang papakinggan. And sometimes, he would even play the drums while I use the electric guitar.
Chamy, she loves the sound of the piano but I think she’s going to be more of a dancer. She has these moves whenever she hears music, even at a very young age.
Naupo ako sa sahig at sumandal sa crib ni Chamy. Isra sat on the floor as well and eagerly waited for me to play the guitar.
“Dear Isra and Chamy,” I changed the lyrics. “What to say to you? You have my eyes, you have your mother’s name...” He listened attentively like the world would end if he misses a chord.
“I love your voice, mommy. One more, please?” Hirit ng panganay namin pagkatapos ng isang kanta.
I played another and another until Saint joined us on the fourth song. Dahan dahan niyang binuhat si Chamy at hinele habang tumutugtog ako’t kumakanta, at abala si Isra sa pakikinig.
“Kung gibati mong ikaw gainusara
Aniang kamot ko, pagadawata
Kung sa lapuk gapabilin kang naungot
Aniang kusog ko magahulbot
Ug di' tika biyaan taliwala sa uwan
Mahugno na kining tanan
Ayaw lang nang paglaum sa
Dughan mong nadag-uman
Ang adlaw naa 'ra
Mubundak pa'ng mga uwan
Sa kalisod ug pagsuway
Ayaw lang ug kabalaka
Kita padayon nga nagabarog
Ako kauban mong nagabarog, nagabarog…”
“Thank you…” Saint crouched and whispered. Tumingala ako para mahalikan siya. Lumapit naman si Isra para maupo sa kanlungan ko.
“Thank you. For choosing me to be the one who’ll build a family with you.”
Santhrielle never wanted to have children, let alone a family this big. Hindi dahil ayaw niya sa bata pero dahil natatakot siyang hindi niya magampanan ng maayos ang pagiging isang ina. She fears that she will always fall short or worse, that she might end up being like her parents who are neglectful and selfish.
I was ready to compromise even when I have always wanted to build a family of my own. Na okay lang dahil sapat at higit na siyang pamilya sa’kin at hinding-hindi ko ipipilit sa kaniya ang ayaw niyang gawin.
Kaya walang kapantay ang ligaya nang ipahayag niya sa’kin na gusto niyang bumuo ng pamilya, basta ako ang kasama. Maybe some prayers in the past remained unanswered to give way to the greatest one that is yet to come.
Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang bisperas ng Paskong dumating sa’min si Isra. It was our first Christmas since we got back together, sa isang charity event na ginanap sa orphanage sa Manila.
The nuns told us that an infant was left under their care and has never stopped crying since. Kapag gising, umiiyak. Kapag tulog lang natatahimik. Wala naman daw problema sabi ng doktor kaya hindi nila maintindihan kung bakit.
So we checked on the baby and when Saint caressed his head and I held his hand, it was the very first time everyone saw him smile. It was the second most beautiful one I’ve seen, next to Santhrielle’s and I knew then that he was ours. That we were meant to be this—a family.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my gravity, Chantrea. You keep me on axis and without you, I know for sure that my world would be wobbly.”
“And you are the star who guides me home, Saint.”