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Christmas wasn’t often celebrated in the mafia, but when you bring in two fifteen year old kids, give them a shit-ton of money for a payload, and force them to have the closest relationship out of anyone in the mafia, they tend to typically celebrate on their own.
Me and Dazai hadn’t known each other long, in fact, this was our first Christmas with each other and Dazai obviously made it a big deal. Mostly because I’d never celebrated Christmas that much before, since the Sheep were a mix of different cultures, I tended to be subject to Hanukkah or winter solstice over Christmas.
So, because this was ‘such a big deal’ for Dazai, naturally, he took me to a fast food restaurant to, you know, break the bank a bit. Then made me feel terrible about not getting him a gift because he got me a whole new hat (from the brand listed on the tag, it wasn’t cheap either) and 3 bottles of wine for my collection, which, again, were ones that I had been putting off buying because they were just that expensive.
Dazai also failed to let me know that he had not told Mori about any of this beforehand and apparently Mori still expected us to come into work that day And while it was one of the best days of my life (don't tell Dazai that) was it worth the shit I got handed to me on a silver plate when I got back to work? Eh… Probably.
Christmas without Dazai is strange. I’ve spent three christmases skiving work with him to go to a cheap fast food restaurant while he puts in far too much effort into gifts just to make me feel bad. Not to mention that I have to spend this one with a burnt car and the worst fucking hangover of my life.
What better way to get rid of a hangover than to drink the Chateau Margaux 1787 that’s been in my collection for three years because I don’t care if Dazai spent over 35 billion yen on it, I'm going to fucking drink it and get wasted.
Christmas for most people is always family or food or presents or other stuff that I do not give a shit about, but for me it has always been about Dazai. Dazai gave me Christmas and now he’s taken it away like the little fucker he is.
Strangely, it was me that suggested we go out together this year. After not seeing me for so long, he obviously thought I didn’t want to spend Christmas with him, or that I had someone better to spend it with, which, maybe other than Ane-san, I definitely don’t, because he’s my boyfriend now, and there aren’t many people I hold in as high regard as I do him.
Everything was pretty much the same, we went to the same restaurant we always do, but because he didn’t plan on spending his time with me, he hadn’t got me anything. Which was fine, I’d just gone four years with no presents from him, so what was one more?
But still, despite how much I despised him for the last four years, I still got him presents, mostly just tat because fuck knows what you get someone you haven’t seen in four years, but he still fucking cried. Dazai Osamu cried because I got him candy for Christmas.
So, to make up for the fact that he hadn’t got me anything, because clearly he thought he owed me something, he took me to a viewing area in the evening to be all sappy and romantic under the stars. What a loser. I still loved it though.
The last time I felt this strange at Christmas was when Dazai left the Port. Now I've left and joined the agency, just as he did, but it’s… strange. Everyone’s so… nice, it’s like a family I haven’t had since the sheep.
Despite everyone being here for a Christmas party, I feel so alone. Christmas without Dazai to me is so wrong. So, despite my best efforts, I eventually have to excuse myself because I am not drunk enough to feel this sad.
i just go outside the agency to have a smoke and a few swings from the hip flask Ane-san gave me as a “leaving gift” that she burst into the agency a month after I left to give me, and presumably to see Kyouka too. It’s beautiful, but god does it do its job. Every time I look at it, I have to take a drink because if I don’t I will melt down and cry.
This is because Ane-san had it custom made with my name on it and an engraving of me and Dazai when we were teenagers. It’s horrible. I hate it. It makes me want to throw it on the ground and just destroy everything. But I can’t. Because it’s beautiful, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever been gifted, the most beautiful thing I've ever owned, even.
But it’s an absolute punch to the gut. It shows Ane-san still cares. As much as I knew she would, it’s still strange to see what lengths she’ll go to, just to give me a gift, that I ultimately didn’t need, because I have many others, however this is definitely the only one I will be using, forever.
I'm not out for long before the stuck-up bitch- that’s Kunikida- comes out to speak to me. He doesn’t say much at first, but I say hey in between drags and he says hello back because, like I said, he’s a stuck-up bitch. He asks me how I’m doing and I say I'm fine. Then I say I'm lying, because I am.
”How are you really, then?” I'm not sure how to word it, so I take a drag of my cigarette before speaking, because that’s notorious for helping me get in a stable mind.
”not… well,” I have to confide in someone, I suppose and without Ane-san, it’s hard to do that often now, “Christmas for me has always been spent with Dazai. To not have that is… weird. It’s just not right. I didn’t think I’d miss him this much, you know? I feel like I’ve been dealing with his death fine. Maybe drinking slightly more than I used to, but other than that, I'm just normal, but then Christmas comes along and everything’s just… wrong?”
”I have to say, Dazai’s death was not something I had accounted for in my schedule, but I thought I had been adapting to his death, maybe not in the beginning, because I just wasn’t prepared, but after that I thought I had picked myself up decently, but tonight, tonight put it all in perspective for me. Almost everything, even this, I can imagine when I've done something similar with Dazai, or in the main room I can see him in the corner of the room just… doing god knows what. It’s all just… a lot, with him not here.” We don’t say much more.
Instead, we both silently agree to go back inside where the rest of the agency are sat together about to start the secret Santa.
I got Atsushi, Dazai’s tiger kid, Akutagawa’s boyfriend I think, but I didn’t know what to get him, so I got him the same thing I got Dazai the first year we were together after he left the Port. Candy and tat.
But fucking hell I did not expect this kid to be so much like Dazai. Every time I see him, I see Dazai and this really is the final piece of the puzzle because he’s crying too.
Maybe not because of the present, but I think Dazai would have done the same, even now.
In fact, I can imagine him sitting through the entirety of the game, before excusing himself to the bathroom to go cry and, obviously, I would follow him, find him, hug him and wipe away his tears.
It would be very Dazai of him.