Chapter Text
Mizi, and Sua, Till, and I were all invited by an alumni to a party they hold for the next batch of seniors to get them into the groove of things. Till was specially invited and nominated by a group of seniors to play at the party. When we arrived at the venue they booked, the lights were glaring and the beat of the music was so loud that it reverberated through us, acting as a heartbeat and getting us all pumped and excited for the night to come. Mizi and Sua go off on their own, off to find our senior, Hyuna, for their 'girls' night'. It leaves me with the usually aggressive Till, now nervous at the thought of performing. Half the cohort was already getting him shaking, but with the alumni? The cooler group he's been so desperate to prove he's cool to? He's sweating. Adding onto his already high enough adrenaline was the music. I got a text from Sua, saying the two would be back in time for Till's performance.
I glance over at the man in question. This is the first time I've seen him so... anxious. I've come across similar emotions like before a test when he's whining and grumbling about not having studied and crammed enough in the night before but he's usually frustrated then, loud in voicing his thoughts just to get them out his head but.. He's quiet now. It makes me want to hold him. To tell him he'd do great. That he's already cool enough.
Instead, I put a hand on his back, drawing his attention to me instead of the mess of a crowd in front of us. Our eyes meet. Though I try to open my mouth and try to force words, or any sound that indicates that he'd do better than fine, out of my throat, my gaze does it for me. I can feel him lose some tension from his body and his facial expression loses some of its worry. I smile a little, relaxing too to let him mirror my actions. I feel my throat ease up a little and just as I open my mouth to speak, Luka pulls the performer beside me away to do sound checks at the makeshift stage made up of a few wooden crates, his piercing pale yellow eyes looking me over. Till looks back at me, a little stiffer but much less than he would have been, with unease in his eyes. I give him a thumbs up and a smile and he looks forward. The distance between us has never felt worse.
I've known about my feelings for Till for a few months now. I was talking to him over text when Luka came back from getting our food because Hyuna was too busy with her brother to entertain the man and his foodie antics. "Are you talking to a girlfriend? You're grinning and sighing fondly too much not to," the blonde man states bluntly, not expecting my frozen state. I wish he was mine, I think to myself.
I sit on the ground somewhere, everyone having gathered around to find out who their newest performer was, and sigh to myself as I recall how I realized my feelings for Till. I started observing him to take my mind off the embarrassing way Luka looked at me skeptically when I said I was talking to my best friend. The way Till's so uncharacteristically jittery makes me wish I could pull him away from here just to breathe. Maybe lay on that hill near school and look up at the stars, probably fighting off the mosquitoes and flies that would disturb us. I chuckle at the thought. Maybe we would have a conversation and just talk.
It's not like we haven't before. His house is the prime location for those kinds of talks. Like during our sleepovers where we stay up and speak to each other in the darkness of his bedroom. Or during our hangouts when we just put everything down or continue with our game and have a conversation. Maybe it's just the atmosphere of it that makes me crave it. Maybe it's the intimacy of looking up at the stars and having them be our only light source, a meteor shower too if we’re lucky. Maybe it's the way I imagine how he'd look at me, his hair a little more mussed than usual, his eyes shining just a bit more because of the stars, the way the smell of his shampoo mixed with the scent of the grass would mix and fill my nostrils. Maybe I should, after the party. Just as I finished that thought, Till's soundcheck was done and announced by a senior. It was time for his performance.
The way his hands moved deftly on his guitar, the way his lips moved, the way his voice serenaded the crowd, it made me think of better, and more inappropriate, ways to put them to work. It almost made me fold up my jacket to cover up my stirring indecency. Almost. His performance was phenomenal as per usual. Judging by the small, satisfied smile on his face, he thinks so too, matching the quality his covers online have. I've listened to the song before. Though it's meaningfulness isn’t why he sang it (he just thought it was cool enough to sing), everyone is still cheering and having fun. Even Sua was cheering. Till glances at me and smiles even wider. I fight the urge to go up there and show him I'm proud with a hug as my heart swells at the sight. Staying on the sidelines and watching him gain more and more confidence makes me wish I wasn't just his friend. It's good enough for now but I wish I could hold him and say he was mine. And say he's the reason why I pushed through to senior year. And say he was the best part of being at this school; so I could have met him and be able to see him almost daily.
He comes off the stage and prances over to me, practically beaming with pride even with that small smile on his face. I want to tousle that hair of his so badly. To touch him freely. I breathe deliberately, trying to clear my head. I handed him a cup of punch that I made sure wasn’t spiked, having taken a whiff earlier. God knows he can’t drink. Even if he could, his mom would kill us when we went back to his place to end the night. He takes it and practically chugs it all in one go, his sweat and slightly shaky hands evident of his high heart rate. There’s the Till I know.
The rest of the night goes by quickly. With lights that hide my flush whenever Till grazes my skin unexpectedly and music that covers up the almost confessions that slip from my lips when I see him having fun, smiling a little and chuckling, thinking that I’d keep him happy for as long as possible so he could keep making that expression and let me be the cause of it. Eventually, the party ends. I looked around for the two girls but they had gone back with Hyuna to have a sleepover too. Since there’s not many seniors to help clean up, I stay behind with Till to clean up a little. I wash the plates and dishes as Till gathers up and helps with the sound equipment.
There’s not much for Till to do, seeing as he walks over to me. “Move over a bit,” his voice is a little hoarse from all the yelling we had to do over the music to get our words across to each other. As told, I move a little in front of the sink to make space for him to help me out, already having rolled up his sleeves. I don’t try to make any weird small talk, the silence and his presence makes this comfortable enough. The faint sound of some alumni having a small conversation makes this feel more casual. “Why though? Wanna stick to me even after being glued at the hip tonight?” I joke a little, enjoying the small frown that appears on his face. “Just wanna get home ASAP. The faster we finish up, the faster we can get to my place and sleep,” he curtly replies, scrubbing with a little more force. I bite my tongue and decide not to tease further and focus purely on cleaning. We bump elbows every once in a while. We don’t shy away from the touches the other provided.
The walk home was less than eventful, the sound of the car being the only noise accompanying our silence and the occasional cricket. Why does he look like he’s expecting something?
We got to his place a couple minutes later, around 9pm, almost 10. I kick off my shoes and scan his house that I’ve been so used to being in for his mom, to greet her and show that her son was back home in one piece. “She’s asleep. Be quiet,” Till states, taking off his shoes and putting his keys down at the table in the entryway. I nod and make a hum of acknowledgement before grabbing his bag off him, with no resistance, and heading upstairs to his room. I run a hand through my hair after I set our bags down at the foot of his bed. I shimmy off my overcoat and put it in my bag. I walk to his closet and grab some clothes I left here since I stay over so much.
I grab a black shirt and grey sweatpants and some undies tucked under my clothes. So cute and silly. I huff out a small laugh at the sight, knowing he didn’t want to see it. Not long after, Till comes into his room. “Did you say hi to her for me?” I know he went to his mom’s bedroom to say he’s home and to say goodnight. “Yeah, yeah. Now go and take your shower. I’ll take one first if you don’t.” He rummages around his closet for his sleepwear. Why was he deciding on his clothes? Won’t he have just worn his usual shirt and shorts? The ones he accidentally spray painted with black fabric paint. He was so aghast the whole day. I laugh a bit as I leave the room for the shower, clothes and toothbrush in hand.
When I get back, Till is on his phone, likely stalking the social media of those who were at the party. I walk to the mattress he put out for me and sit on it, poking his leg gently with my foot. “Stop scrolling and take a shower, you’ll sleep better and sooner,” I encourage him, already getting comfortable on my ‘bed’. He shows me his screen, wordlessly telling me to read it. I took his phone and read the post. It was just someone praising his performance. He’s bursting at the seams, trying not to scream in delight about it since his mom was asleep in the next room over. I smile at the sight. “Nice,” I say as I hand the phone back to him. He nods frantically and gets up, clothes in hand as he walks to his bathroom. Why don't you smile like that when I praise you? I keep telling you how good you are whenever I can.
I huff out a sigh, looking around his room for the nth time and see all the posters he's hung up of bands he follows and gets inspired by. I stare at his ceiling, thankful we go to school together the next day. I sigh softly at the thought, a smile creeping up my face. Till will probably go see that stray shorthair before school. He treats the cat like his baby, petting it, feeding it and even taking it to the vet when he thought it got sick. He really looks like it though. Even acts like it. Or maybe it’s the other way around and the cat acts like him. They both get hissy if shown just a little bit of affection but warm up to those that take care of them. They both like flowers too. Especially the cardinal flowers that grow nearby. Maybe he’d like it if I ruffled his hair like it does too.
Till enters the room, hair a little damp as he wears a white shirt with some scribbled words on it and some shorts. Knew it. He plops down onto his bed, head falling perfectly on the pillow. He doesn’t pick up his phone and turns to look in my direction.
The current mood indicates that it’s time to talk.
“Y’know.. I was really scared on stage just now.”
“Really? You looked so happy though.”
“I was! I was. It doesn’t mean I don't get nervous though.”
I hum in acknowledgement.
“It felt really different from making a cover. I thought it would feel even a little familiar. But I felt so much pressure when I opened my eyes and saw all their eyes on me.”
I hum in acknowledgement again, deciding that this was not the time to speak. "I felt like I let at least one person down though. Like they were expecting me to mess up." "You didn't though. You did great," I refrain from using a pet name like I always wanted to. "Till." I hear the sheets shift with him, now facing the wall and away from me. "Thanks.. I just... I dunno.. Feel so scared," I hear him shift again, something smaller like his arms. "About like.. making someone out there disappointed in me.." I recognize the noises he's making as him starting to cry, having gone through our sleepover talks so often. I got up and draped my arms over him, patting his back gently. If this is one of the only times I’ll get to touch him like this, I might as well get full use out of it. "You're literally so cool. And fun. Who would be disappointed in you? You're trying so hard in school too, aren't you? You told me about how you're trying to buck up for senior year.." I rub his shoulder gently, the tip of my nose grazing his nape a little less than accidentally and letting the familiar smell of his shampoo fill my nostrils.
He sobs quietly until he calms down.
"Ivan..?" His voice is a little quieter than usual. He doesn't wait for an answer before speaking again, "Thank you. For putting up with me and being my friend."
I wish I was more than that. I wish you'd introduce me to your new friends not as "your best friend, Ivan," but "your boyfriend, Ivan." I bite my tongue again and speak, "I'm not putting up with you, I'm being here for you."
I get off his bed after a few peaceful moments of silence and we go to sleep after. At 11pm.