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Snow drifted lazily outside the window, each flake dancing as it fell while you were sitting curled up on the sofa with a blanket draped over your shoulders like an armor against the cold world outside. The soft hum of instrumental Christmas music played faintly in the background, mixing with the soothing crackling coming from the fireplace you had lit up a while ago. The twinkling lights of the Christmas tree reflected off the silver ornaments. All of the decorating you had done earlier should’ve made you feel warm, safe even. But there was a weight in your chest. It was uninvited but unfortunately familiar to you - you dreaded it every December.
The holidays had been a double-edged sword for you as long as you could remember. There was joy and there was laughter, sure. But for you, there was also an immense amount of pressure and anxiety. Pressure to join in the dinners with your family, to take part in traditions that all revolved around food, to pretend that you were okay when in fact you weren’t. At all.
The voice in the back of your mind was loud today, so cruel in its persistence. It clawed at your insecurities and brought back painful memories from the past family gatherings where you had felt judged, scrutinized and never enough for anyone. The voice had told you lies about how everyone noticed every bite you took, how every calorie would show and somehow expose your failures. You remembered the whispers that your mind had made up to be comments about the amount of food you were eating or not eating. Sideway glances from family. People perceiving you. You hated it.
The living room started to feel smaller and the lights dimmer as your thoughts pulled you inward, deeper into the suffocating ache of self-doubt.
The ache had been there since the moment you woke up, but despite it, you had managed to decorate the apartment. You knew your girlfriend, Emily, was working late for the last day before her holiday break and for a fleeting moment you had felt a desire to make the space festive for her. It was the least you could do after Emily had so kindly promised to spend the holidays with you. Just the two of you, so you wouldn’t have to go to family gatherings. You were grateful.
The Christmas tree stood tall in the corner, decorated with silver ornaments you and Emily had collected over the time you had been dating. You had hung up tiny fairy lights and stockings and even placed a few scented candles on the coffee table. Vanilla and cinnamon, Emily’s favorites, you had learned. The effort had been both a distraction for your own sake and also a way to show Emily just how much she meant to you.
The sound of the front door opening, and closing just as quickly, snapped you back into the present moment. Emily’s voice echoed from the hallway, light and cheerful. You knew she was relieved to have some days off from work.
”Sweetieee!” You heard the familiar warm voice and couldn’t help but smile.
A moment later Emily appeared in the doorway, carrying two mugs of steaming hot chocolate from your favorite café down the street - you recognized the logo in the takeout mugs instantly. Emily’s dark brown eyes swept over the room, taking in the decorations. She froze in spot, her expression shifting from tired but happy to radiant in an instant. She smiled to you brightly. ”You did all this today?”
You nodded, suddenly a bit self-conscious. ”I… thought it might be nice.”
”Nice?” your girlfriend asked and set the mugs on the coffee table. She took her winter coat off and then crossed the room in a few strides, sitting down on the sofa and wrapping you in a tight hug. You couldn’t help but smile when you felt her arms around your body. ”It’s absolutely perfect. You’re amazing, you know that?”
She looked into your eyes and pressed a quick kiss on your lips before she turned to admire the decorations again.
Emily’s excitement was infectious and for a moment the weight in your chest lifted. It made breathing a bit easier. But as Emily settled properly on the sofa next to you and cradled one of the mugs in her hands, her gaze sharpened. Her smile softened when she tilted her head, looking at you.
”What’s going on, baby? You seem… quiet”, she then asked softly.
You forced a small smile on your face, but it didn’t reach your eyes.
”Just a bit tired, I guess”, you tried but it wasn’t convincing at all.
Emily placed the mug back on the table and shifted closer, her hand finding yours. Her touch was warm and grounding. You looked down at how her thumb started slowly caressing the top of your palm.
”Honey, I know how difficult the holidays can be for you”, she said, her voice low and steady. Each word was so carefully chosen and wrapped in love. ”I just want you to know that I’m here for you, okay? Every step of the way. You don’t have to pretend with me. You don’t have to carry all this on your own. You’re not alone.”
Couple tears came streaming down your cheek before you could do anything to stop them. Before you knew it tears blurred your vision, making the room’s soft lights smear like watercolor. Emily didn’t say anything else, she just wrapped her arms around you and pulled you against her chest.
The fabric of her sweater was soft against your cheek. She smelled like vanilla, a scent so distinctly Emily that it felt like home. You closed your eyes and listened to the rhythm of her heartbeat against your ear. It was the most comforting sound you’d heard all day - steady and strong, grounding you. You let yourself sink into Emily’s embrace and somehow she made all the tension you had carried inside your body all day unravel under her touch.
”It’s not easy”, you eventually whispered, your voice muffled against her sweater. ”I hate that it’s so hard. It’s like… like every bite feels like a damn battle. It’s so exhausting.”
Emily pulled back just enough to be able to cup your face in her hands. Her thumbs brushed away the tears on your cheeks softly. Her chocolate eyes, filled with unwavering determination to show you how she was there for you, searched for yours.
”I know it’s hard, baby. And it’s totally okay to feel that way. All your feelings are valid. But I see you, I see every part of you and I love you for all of it. The good days, and the not so good ones. You are enough just as you are, my love.”
You tried to look away, ashamed.
”It doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I always feel like I’m failing. Every time I try to eat, there’s this… this voice inside my head, telling me that I’m doing it wrong. Too little or too much. That I can’t even eat right. That I’m weak. And it’s so fucking loud, Emily. I can’t shut it off, especially this time of the year when everything revolves around food. I’m so tired.”
Emily’s hands tightened their grip around yours, grounding you further.
”Sweetheart, you’re not failing. You’re fighting. And that voice? It’s lying to you, big time. You’re so much stronger than it wants you to believe. It’s going to take time, but you’re not alone in this. I’ll be here to remind you of that whenever you need it. I’m not leaving”, Emily told you in a comforting voice.
You couldn’t help but think back to the night you had first told her about your problems with food. How controlling what you put in your mouth had been your way of dealing with stuff you couldn’t control in your life for the longest time. Emily’s face had softened, her eyes filling with tears she refused to shed. She hadn’t said much at first. She had just listened to you and then held you as if letting go would shatter you somehow. Later, she had told you she’d do everything in her power to make sure you never felt alone in this again. The promise had become her mantra, spoken to you softly in moments like these, when things were too heavy for you to carry.
”I just feel so broken sometimes”, you admitted with a trembling voice. ”Like… why can’t I just be normal? Why does food have to be this… this thing?”
Emily’s hands squeezed yours, her grip firm but still gentle. It anchored you to her presence and you were able to stay here, and not slip away.
”You’re not broken, my love. You’re human. And this ’thing’, as you call it, doesn’t define you one bit. You’re so much stronger than that. We’ll take it one day at a time. One meal at a time, together. And you don’t have to do any of it alone. If it feels too much, we’ll stop. That’s why I told you we could spend this Christmas together, just you and me. You don’t have to be perfect with me, you just have to be you. Because I love you, for you.”
”I just… I don’t want to ruin everything because of stupid food”, you confessed, your voice breaking now. ”Sometimes it feels easier to just not show up, not eat, not let people see me struggling.”
Emily’s gaze softened, her thumb continuing to stroke gentle patterns over your knuckles again.
”You’re not ruining anything, I promise you. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to have hard days. In fact, it would be weird if you felt completely okay about the holiday season. I would be worried. What matters the most is that you let me know. And that you’re trying. I can see you’re trying so hard every day. I see how hard you’re fighting, even if you don’t feel it”, she said. You let out a shaky breath you didn’t notice you had been holding.
”But what if I mess up? What if I can’t do it?”
Damn self-doubt.
Emily leaned in, her forehead now resting gently against yours. You looked into her beautiful eyes full of kindness. One of your favorite things about her.
”Then we’ll pick up the pieces together. There’s no such thing as messing up when you’re healing and recovering. Every step, no matter how small, is still a step forward. And when it feels like it’s too much, I’ll be right here. Always.”
You hated that they did, but something in Emily’s words cracked your shell and made you sob harder. Emily held you tighter, her hand cradling the back of your head in a comforting manner.
”Let it out, love. Shh… I’ve got you. I’ve got you, I’m not going anywhere”, she whispered against your hair. Her fingers stroked it, each pass a quiet reassurance that everything was going to be okay. Her short nails scraped your scalp lightly. ”We’ll take it one moment at a time and if it gets too much, we’ll take a break. We’ll figure it out, I promise.”
You nodded against Emily, grateful beyond words so you didn’t even try to explain. Emily had a way of making you feel so seen, not in the scrutinizing and suffocating way that your family did, but in a way that felt like sunlight breaking through clouds. In a way no one else had ever seen you before. Emily didn’t demand anything, didn’t blame, didn’t try to fix you. She just… stayed. Supported. Loved you.
When your tears had dried Emily got up.
”Please, don’t lea-”, you managed to mumble, worried of where Emily was going. You just wanted to be in her arms right now.
”I’ll be back in just a second”, she said quickly and flashed you a bright smile.
She disappeared into the bedroom and when she returned she was holding a small neatly wrapped red box in her hands. The paper was patterned with tiny white snowflakes and there was a beautiful silver ribbon curled perfectly on top of the box. The light from the tree caught on the foil, making it shimmer.
Emily sat down next to you again. Her knee brushed against yours as she placed the box in your lap.
”For you”, she whispered sweetly and smiled. Her voice was gentle in a shy way, as if she was unsure of how you’d react. You hesitated, your fingers brushing over the edges of the paper. The texture was smooth underneath your fingertips.
”Em, you really didn’t have to.”
”I know, but I wanted to”, Emily said determinedly. ”You mean everything to me. Please, open it.”
You peeled back the paper carefully, as if unwrapping something fragile. Your hands trembled a bit. The folds gave a way to reveal a small wooden box. It was carved full of your favorite flowers, each petal and leaf so detailed you couldn’t help but admire them. You lifted the lid and inside was a stack of cards. You recognized Emily’s handwriting in them. Your heart got caught in your throat as you picked up the top card and read it.
You are more than enough.
You picked up another one. You deserve love and kindness, especially from yourself.
Card after card each message was a quiet affirmation, a reminder of your worth and strength. Some were simple, like Take a deep breath, while others felt like whispered secrets from deep inside Emily’s heart. Support for stuff only she knew you had been through.
By the time you had gone through a handful of them your vision was blurred with tears again, but this time they carried a different weight. Gratitude, not sadness.
Emily’s hand rested on your knee. When she saw the tears filling your eyes, she squeezed.
”Whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can pick up one. Or ten. Whatever helps. I’ll add more as we go. Every word on those cards is true and I’ll remind you every day if I have to”, she said and leaned against your shoulder.
You couldn’t find the words to express how much the gift meant to you, so you just turned into her direction and pressed your lips on hers. Emily sighed, smiling into the kiss. You clutched the box in your hands like a lifeline. Emily’s arms came around you again, pulling you closer to her and deepening the kiss at the same time.
”Thank you”, you whispered when your lips parted a little.
Emily pressed another kiss, a tender one, on your temple. Then on your forehead. Her lips lingered there for a moment before she cupped your face with her hands.
”Always, my love. Always.”
She kissed you again.