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Ukitake sat overlooking the courtyard garden, slowly sipping his tea while the carp in the pond swam lazily after their feeding. He placed his cup down and started filling a second cup up, the sweetened black tea still swirling when Kyōraku quietly sat next to him. Instead of the usual joke or complaint about staying late, a heavy breath was his hello. Ukitake passed the tea over with a twitch of an attempt of a smile, picking his own back up and waited for the other to start speaking.
The quiet was peaceful, but a small weight of apprehension filled him as he watched Shunsai swirl the tea. Kyōraku finally took his first sip then spoke quietly, “I’m sorry, Ukitake.”
Ukitake tilted his head slightly in confusion, “What for? You have no reason to apologize to me, other than all the extra paperwork you try to push off onto me.” He half-heartedly chuckled, trying to lift some of the weight of dread out of his stomach from the impending conversation.
Kyōraku placed the half finished tea down and leaned his head against the smaller man’s shoulder, “For that too. I shouldn’t be putting more work onto you. I complain about how hard things are but-”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear this. Not from you.” Ukitake tensed and curtly put his cup down, “You are one of the only people who sees me instead of my illness. Where in the world is this coming from?”
Kyōraku took a deep inhale, “Promise you won’t laugh.”
“What, why?”
“Just promise.”
“Okay. I promise.”
Kyōraku stared out towards the pond, eyes looking beyond what was in front of him. “I had a nightmare. There was so much yelling, so much blood. It felt like the darkness was suffocating and I heard you call out my name, but I ran for miles until I finally found you. When I did… You were barely alive. Some faceless enemy stood over you, mocking you. I didn’t even hesitate to kill them, but I could still hear their voice just blaming me for not being there, that my tardiness was the reason you were gone. That the small moment of weakness your illness gave was enough of a window to take your life and that it’s all my fault because I pushed you to come with. That I was too slow to find you in time. No matter what I did to try to help, I heard your last shuddering breath and I… I can’t lose you. I can’t be the reason you’re gone.”
Ukitake was quiet, his breaths slow and shallow while he processed what the other man said. “I’m sorry to hear you had such an awful nightmare but… You’re being selfish, Kyōraku.”
“Eh?” The brunette pulled away and turned towards the other man.
“You think I don’t feel the same worry? You can’t keep me in a bubble, I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t here. I chose to be in the court guard squad. I choose to be here every day. I am either going to die of my illness over time while doing nothing, or because I choose to fight for others. We do good, we help so many people as captains, we guide so many younger souls into finding themselves and you want me to give that up because you’re scared to lose me?” He reached out and placed his hand on top of Kyōraku’s, “I want you by my side for as long as we live, but I can’t have you if you won’t accept what I’ve chosen.”
Shock had Kyōraku’s eyes wide open and mouth agape, he stared into Ukitake’s eyes and saw patience and hopefulness and a small tinge of fear. “You’re right. I am selfish. I never saw it through your eyes.” He looked down towards their hands, flipping over his hand and intertwining their fingers together. “You’re an amazing man. A stronger one than I am. You go through so much and I feel like I’m not good enough sometimes.” He leaned his head back onto Ukitake’s shoulder and sighed, “I want you by my side too. I can’t imagine you not being here.”
Ukitake smiled and leaned his head against the brunette’s, “It’s going to be okay. The fear fades, but it never really goes away. I pretend I don’t feel it, but I’ve made peace with it. I want to live. I want to fight, not just to be here for others, but for me too. For you.” He squeezed his hand around Kyōraku’s, a small reassurance that he really meant it.
Kyōraku exhaled softly, squeezing his hand back, “I’m still going to keep giving you the paperwork, you’re better at it then me anyways.”
The laughter from the smaller man shattered the remaining tension in the air, “I figured, don’t ever change.” The quiet filled the garden once more, the only sign of the tense moment being the cold teapot and half empty cups left forgotten to the two warm bodies pressed against each other.