Work Text:
November 14th
Just when you were starting to lift your head and rediscover what it felt like to breathe without the weight that had settled on your chest since that day, it happened.
You were sitting on the couch, watching a TV show. It was nothing to write home about, but at least it kept you entertained. When you least expected it, the show went on a commercial break. You sighed. The ads were all the same as every day and every hour. Although your eyes were still on the screen, you didn’t pay attention to them, but that was until a particular commercial came on. It opened to a bucket of fried chicken. Slowly, the camera zoomed out to reveal a family sitting at the table and in the corner of the dining room, a bushy Christmas tree wrapped in colorful garlands and adorned with shimmering balls.
The weight on your chest returned and suddenly, you were on Shinjuku again with Sukuna’s taunts echoing in your head and Satoru dying in your arms and your throat stuffed with screams and wails you couldn’t let out because you didn’t want him to go with the image of you being a devastated mess. The invisible wound that had finally started to heal gaped open once again somewhere in your heart and with trembling hands, you reached for the remote and turned the TV off although the ad was almost over.
It was like a bad joke. All the progress you had been making seemed to vanish in an instant, but you couldn’t say it was shocking because you knew this would happen. Everyone told you so: anniversaries were hard, especially the first one.
And just then, you realized his birthday was coming up too. God, Satoru’s birthday. The first one without him. The first one taking the bouquet of blue roses you always got him to his grave instead of giving it to him.
How were you supposed to do this? You desisted on telling people about your grief long ago because you felt you were burdening them. They didn’t say it, but you could see it in their eyes, in the tone of their voice, in how their words of sympathy and encouragement became more and more generic every time, in the way they tried to change the subject when they had the chance…
You lay on the couch and curled up, taking deep breaths to ease the tightness in your chest. The silence of the living room was deafening and you almost turned the TV back on, but what if another Christmas commercial came on and you felt worse? You closed your eyes and let out a harsh exhale. You’ll get through this , you told yourself. You just had to be strong and patient.
December 7th
Like almost every week, you walked into the cemetery. You already knew the area you traversed on your way to Satoru’s grave by heart, from the tombstones to the names engraved in them, to some of the dates of birth and death. It was a familiarity that made your heart shrink, one no one should ever have to fall into and still, despite being used to these visits, today’s felt heavier than all the others. But it was no wonder.
You reached your destination and swallowed hard. Seeing Satoru’s name on that marble headstone still gave you a lump in your throat and a hopeless thought that this was a nightmare you were about to wake up from. That, of course, wasn’t true. However, the sight of new and fresh flowers put a small smile on your face. They were probably from Shoko and his students. It was nice to know that you weren’t the only one thinking of him today. Had that been the case, you would have been crushed.
“Hey, baby,” you said, your eyes fixed on the tombstone, “I’m here again.”
You approached the grave a bit more and crouched in front of it, taking an empty vase with one hand as your other arm cradled the bouquet of blue roses you just picked up from the flower shop. As always, you had ordered it two weeks in advance.
“I’m sure you know what day it is today.” You lowered your head and added, ”Or rather, what day it should be.”
You had put some water from one of the cemetery’s fountains in a bottle so you could fill the vase with it without having to walk away from Satoru’s grave. As stupid as it could sound, you didn’t want to leave him alone even for a second. Especially not today.
You placed the bouquet in the vase, making sure the wrapping didn’t get too messed up. It was something you had done countless times by now, but your hands were shaking and you weren’t doing it as perfectly as you’d like. You shook your head and continued to adjust the flowers until the white cellophane enveloping them was no longer crumpled up.
Sighing, you stood up again and said, “I bought your favorite flowers, like always… But I wish I was giving them to you like I did last year.”
Your eyes stung, but you ignored that. You opened your bag and out of it, you retrieved a small box, a single candle, and a lighter. Inside the box was a simple, chocolate frosted cupcake. You opened that box and took out the cupcake, placing the candle right in the middle. You lit it up and stared at the flame dancing before you for what felt like forever. You were thinking of what to say before blowing it out. There were so many things in your mind you didn’t know where to begin. You bit your lower lip and swallowed once again.
“Things shouldn’t be playing out like this,” you began, “I wish you were blowing out the candles in a big cake, and that I could kiss you like I always did afterward. I wish we were celebrating it with the kids, that you were cracking your usual jokes about being a year closer to becoming an old man…”
You got a bit choked up and a couple of tears escaped your eyes. You wiped them away with your free hand.
“I know I always say it, but you shouldn’t be here and today, I feel it even harder than usual.” Your eyes flickered down to the candle. It had already consumed a little. “I also know you don’t want to see me this sad, but I can’t help it. I need you here.”
You took a deep breath. Getting the words out was harder than you anticipated, but you had to do it. You wet your lips and released another exhale.
“Happy birthday, Satoru. I will always love you.”
Your vision blurred out with tears, but you blew out the candle. The smell of the flame being snuffed out reached your nostrils. You wiped your tears again and gave the tombstone a wistful smile. You were still sad, but now you were proud of yourself… and you were sure Satoru was, too.
December 20th
Christmas had taken over the city like a virus—in your eyes, anyway. You couldn’t escape it, everyone was in a festive mood and everything revolved around Christmas. The lights adorning the streets felt far too bright this year, and the carols blaring from seemingly every shop far too loud. You used to love their lyrics about happiness, unity, love, and family, but now they were a harsh reminder that your sorrow was just a drop in the ocean of the world. Life went on for everyone else, the world didn’t give a damn that you were hurting.
Today, however, you decided to go out for a walk. You had been cooped up in the house for days now, only leaving it to go to the nearest store. Satoru would have told you that staying in for too long was bad in the long run, no doubt.
You took your coat and scarf and headed outside. It snowed yesterday. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough for the temperatures to go down further. The moment you left behind the apartment’s entrance, your breath froze into a small cloud in front of you.
Besides lights and festive music, the street was also crowded with people. Lots of people. They took up a big part of the sidewalk and you found yourself obligated to walk at a snail’s pace behind them. You were already regretting leaving the house and you did even more when your eyes landed on a couple passing you by, laughing and holding hands without a care in the world. You lowered your head and remembered all the times Satoru took you to see the Christmas lights —and how you two would kiss underneath them— or the various markets around Tokyo. Now you were all alone and surrounded by reminders of what you no longer had.
Because your gaze was on the floor, you didn’t notice a woman walking in your same direction. You ended up bumping into her and she didn’t take it kindly.
“Why don’t you watch where you’re going?” the woman chided, shooting you a glare before leaving you behind.
Maybe it’s her who needs to watch where she’s going, you thought. Despite the incident, you refused to look up. You didn’t want to see the shiny happy people around you, you were only there because you needed some fresh air.
The numbing cold on your fingers made you realize you should have put on some gloves too. You shoved your hands in your coat’s pockets and sighed, your freezing breath making itself visible once again. You weren’t going to spend much more time outside, either way. You intended to turn back after crossing the street. The pedestrian crossing was already visible a dozen meters away, so it wouldn’t be long until you’d be back in the comfort of your home.
You really couldn’t wait for that, and you could wait even less after bumping into someone yet again. Your shoulders tensed and you braced yourself for another scolding from a stranger but instead, you heard your name spoken in a gentle, questioning tone. Then you looked up and found yourself face to face with Yuta.
“H-hey,” you greeted the boy. Your eyes darted on their own to the scar on his forehead. As hard as you tried to think of something, you didn’t know what else to say.
Yuta scratched the back of his neck and gave you a nervous smile. He wasn’t sure of what to say either.
“Hi,” he said finally. After a pause, he added, “It’s hard to walk around here, isn’t it?”
You snorted and gave him a slow nod. “You tell me. You’re the second person I have run into.”
You two remained silent again, but it was clear there was a conversation to be had. The people walking past you receded into the background and then, Yuta posed the question you knew was coming.
“How are you doing?”
That was a question you had heard a like hundred times at this point. It often came from people who didn’t actually want to know if you were okay, they only asked to make themselves look like good people. In Yuta’s case, however, you could tell he was genuine.
You shrugged and shook your head. “Not good. Everything reminds me of that day.”
“I understand,” Yuta said with a nod, “I know how hard it must be.” He looked down for a moment before landing his gaze on yours and added, “His birthday was a few days ago and the anniversary is also coming up.”
“Yeah…” You pursed your lips together. “By the way, were you one of the people who brought flowers to his grave for his birthday?”
“Yes, I was.” He smiled faintly, although he wasn’t sure if doing so was appropriate. “Itadori and Fushiguro brought him flowers, too.”
You found yourself smiling back at Yuta and without realizing, you had taken a hand over your heart. “Thank you. When I saw the flowers, I figured it was you guys who put them there. I thought of Shoko, too.” You took a deep breath and continued, “I’m glad he’s being thought about.”
“Of course,” Yuta said, “Gojo did so much for us all… It’s the least we could do.”
Damn it. You were feeling that warmth in your eyes again. You didn’t want to cry in front of one of your late boyfriend’s students, but you still got a knot in your throat that prevented you from speaking for a few seconds.
“I always thought you were a good kid,” you blurted out, “and Satoru did too. He was really proud of you.”
A pink hue crept on Yuta’s cheeks. “Oh, thank you!” The cold only intensified it.
You smiled again. It wasn’t a big smile, but it was still there. However, it faltered at the boy’s following words.
“Um, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but… Are you doing anything for Christmas?”
You were quick to shake your head. “No. I don’t think it would be right. Satoru still wanted to celebrate Christmas last year despite what happened to Suguru the day before, but he was great at pretending everything was fine. I’m not.”
“That’s fine,” Yuta reassured you, “It’s like how Fushiguro isn’t celebrating his birthday this year. But still…”
“But still?” You furrowed your brows and tilted your head to the side.
Yuta jumped a little. He must have thought you were mad at him, but the curious look in your eyes comforted him. “I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but I think you should do something to honor Gojo on that day. It’d give you peace of mind.”
You parted your lips to say something, but nothing came out. Yuta is right. You had been so focused on dreading Christmas time and all the painful dates December brought with it that the idea hardly crossed your mind. You already did something for Satoru’s birthday and even if it hurt, you had to acknowledge the anniversary of his death too. You’d probably feel guilty if you didn’t.
“You know what? I will do it.” You took your hands out of your pockets. “I admit I hadn’t contemplated that until now and I think you’re right: it might help me feel better.”
“Good.” Yuta nodded. “You don’t have to do anything big either, just do what you’re the most comfortable with.”
“I already know what I’ll be doing.” You smiled at the boy. “And I don’t mean to cut this conversation short, but I need to go somewhere for that now.”
“Don’t worry about that. It was nice seeing you.”
“The same to you.”
You were about to bid Yuta farewell, but you changed your mind at the last second and took him into a light parting hug. The boy didn’t say anything, he returned your hug without hesitation and patted your back.
When you pulled away, your eyes were glossy. “Take care, alright?”
“I will,” he said, giving you a weak smile. “Take care too.”
You gave Yuta a short nod and then, the two of you parted ways. You were no longer heading back home. As you told him, you had somewhere else to go now.
December 24th
You had just got home from the bakery. Satoru’s favorite bakery, to be exact.
Before going there, you went to the cemetery once again. You brought him a big fat bouquet of roses, except they were red this time. When you reached Satoru’s grave, you saw that other people had brought flowers this time too. There were even more than on the day of his birthday and the sight —although it was one you wished you weren’t seeing— moved you to tears.
In the bakery, you picked up the Christmas cake you ordered after talking to Yuta—although it was just a piece rather than the full thing. An entire cake would have been too much for you alone.
It was the classic sponge cake with strawberries, the same one Satoru bought for the two of you every year. The whole version had various Christmas-themed chocolates and a Santa Claus decoration, but the slice you got only had the strawberries and a chocolate wreath on top. That’d be more than enough.
You placed the box containing the slice of cake down on the dining room table. Before eating it, you lit up some incense and prayed inward. When you were done, you went back to the table and opened the box. The clerk had included a plastic fork inside the box, so that’d save you having to go fetch one from the kitchen. You took the fork but before finally eating, you still had something else to do.
You lifted your head and looked straight ahead, at the empty seat in front of you.
“This is just like on your birthday,” you said, “you should be here with me, and yet…”
You took a deep breath before continuing, your eyes still on the same spot.
“To most people, today is Christmas Eve but to me, it’s the first anniversary of the day you were taken away from me. From me and from all those who cared about you.”
You lowered your gaze towards the cake. You were getting choked up again. It took you a moment before being able to lift your eyes and continue talking.
“I’m sure you have seen that I don’t intend on celebrating Christmas. I haven’t even put up the tree or anything, but I still got some Christmas cake because I know how much you loved it.
“I didn’t want to let this day pass without doing something to show you that you’re always in my mind, although you already know that. You also know how I’d prefer for this one to be like any other Christmas Eve.”
You thought of how last year, at this same hour, Satoru was still alive. He gave everyone words of encouragement although he had a bad feeling about the whole thing. You did too, but you ignored it. You wanted to believe that everything would go well because it’s what you all deserved. Of course, life had other plans because life often doesn’t care about what people deserve or not.
Finally, you took a small piece out of the cake using the fork. You lifted it to your lips and before eating it, you murmured, “Here’s to you, baby. I love you.”
And you took the forkful of cake into your mouth. It tasted just as always, although nothing was the same anymore.
However, after the second forkful, it was almost like you could see Satoru sitting across from you, on that empty chair. Although you were home alone, you didn’t feel like it. You felt like he was there with you although you couldn’t see him.
You continued eating. The corners of your lips twitched before finally rising into a smile. Your chest felt the warmest it had in a long time and at that moment, you couldn’t be happier you followed Yuta’s advice. You also decided this would be your new Christmas tradition. It’s a season supposed to revolve around our loved ones, so why not include in it the ones who are no longer with us?