HI ZEV
CARL FINALLY LET ME BUY THE SOCIAL MEDIA BOARD
IT IS THE BEST THING EVER
EVERYBODY LOVES ME
EVERYONE EXCEPT SOME USER CALLED PINWHEEL901 WHOSE ICON IS A FRIED EGG WITH WHISKERS AND I ALREADY BLOCKED HIM BECAUSE HE IS OBVIOUSLY UNSTABLE AND HE SAID THAT MONGO HAD AN OVERBITE
MONGO’S JAW HAS CHARACTER, ZEV
Hi Donut
That’s great! Don’t get too distracted, there’s a lot on there. Do you need some tips on how to use the board? I can set up a quick walkthrough.
YES NOW MY PEOPLE NEED ME
CAN I SHOW THEM MY MERCH?
I think we should wait until they fix the voice. Carl’s right, it is creepy.
WE SHOULD DO A TEASER PHOTO! SILHOUETTE THE HEAD FROM BEHIND FOR THAT WHOLE NOIR LOOK, LIKE I JUST WALKED INTO A GUMSHOE’S OFFICE IN A BLACK & WHITE MOVIE AND I NEED HIM TO SAVE ME FROM THE COPS AFTER I SHOT MY HUSBAND BUT IT TURNS OUT HE’S NOT DEAD AND HE’S TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY. WHY DO THEY CALL THEM GUMSHOES ANYWAY? IT SOUNDS STICKY
Hold on, I’m logging in. I’ll show you how to set things up. If we have time I really want to show you this Gossip Girl fanfic archive I’ve found. It’s small, but it’s got some amazing takes on the show.
Almost revolutionary.
OMG
LOITA
WHERE'S ZEV?
LOITA I CAN SEE YOU'RE ONLINE
I have told you before that you no longer need a social media manager now that you have purchased the board. Your inane babblings are becoming a distraction. Persist and I will accelerate you.
LOITA YOU KNOW COCKER SPANIELS? THEY HAVE THESE DISGUSTING GLANDS ON THEIR ANUSES AND THEY’RE ALWAYS GETTING BLOCKED SO THEY HAVE TO GO TO THE VET AND HAVE THEIR BUTTS SQUEEZED UNTIL ALL THE STUFF COMES OUT LIKE TOOTHPASTE, ONLY IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTEN DEATH, BUT WORSE BECAUSE IT ALSO SMELLS LIKE DOG. YOU COULD SQUEEZE THE BUTTS OF ALL THE COCKER SPANIELS THAT HAVE EVER LIVED EVEN THE DEAD ONES AND IT WOULD STILL BE LESS OFFENSIVE THAN YOU
HI KATIA
I MISS ZEV
Oh Donut. It’s rough. I hope she can come back someday.
COULD YOU BRUSH ME? I WANT TO LOOK GOOD FOR THE COMMERCIAL
Sure.
Just try not to criti-
TOWARDS THE TAIL. YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THE NATURAL FLOW OF THE FUR
I know, Donut.
ALSO I THINK THERE’S A MAT FORMING IN MY LEFT ARMPIT. HONESTLY ALL THIS SAND IS TERRIBLE FOR MY COAT. MONGO WILL BE VERY UPSET IF HIS MOMMY ISN’T LOOKING HER BEST
I’ll get the scissors. Meet me on the couch,
HI ZEV
I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE BACK
Hi Donut
I’m glad to be here.
SORRY ABOUT YOUR FAMILY
ZEV?
I saw the rulebook and official icons you approved for the fan club, they’re great. How are you going on the exclusives?
I’M NOT SORRY ABOUT LOITA THOUGH. THAT BITCH DESERVED IT. AND SHE COST US FIVE DAYS
Princess Donut, if you could review the origin story memory now I can send it out straightaway. It's not 100% compatible with your interface, but put your paw on the screen and see what you think.
Warm darkness. A glimmer of light that then expands and blinks, the surroundings sharpening into focus. We’re a small multicoloured furry creature, one of a small group suckling at the side of a larger one. A blink, and we’re trotting out on four wobbly legs to investigate a new sound. We look up, over the wall of the pen. A human drops down to her knees and reaches over the wall, holding out her hand, and we sniff at it curiously.
There’s another human there, standing next to the kneeling woman. She’s talking, but we can’t see her face.
“— the tortie or her brother are available. Her brother has the better conformation —”
“I want the girl.” The woman tries to stroke us, but we skitter away. She waggles her fingers temptingly, and we edge cautiously back. We sniff again, and she grabs us, scooping us up against her chest. Clashing scents hit our nostrils, and we squirm in her grip.
“Shush, baby, shush kitty.” The woman hums. “You want to be my baby girl, don’t you?”
Suddenly there is the ethereal ghost of another cat, an adult queen, majestically beautiful, hovering in the air in front of us. This is Princess Chonkalot, our grandmother; the legend. She holds out one regal paw and a small but delicately beautiful crown forms on our head. Her rightful successor has been anointed. We lift our head up proudly. Inspiring and vaguely copyright-infringing music swells in the background.
The woman buries her face in our fur. “Good girl. My princess.” The cat ghost fades, leaving only a single sugar donut, spinning lazily in the air, each individual crystal grain gleaming like a diamond. Inexorably, we are drawn to its stately magnificence, and absorbed. The experience fades.
OMG ZEV IT’S PERFECT. EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY AS IT HAPPENED
It’ll be the top-tier exclusive for this round, for the highest fundraisers. Of course it will leak eventually but then we’ll move on to the next option.
I’M NOT RECORDING MY FIRST MEETING WITH CARL
There’s a lot of demand.
I DON’T CARE. HONESTLY IT ISN’T WORTH IT. HE HAD NO IDEA HOW TO HOLD ME WHEN BEA HANDED ME OVER. CATS ARE NOT MEANT TO DANGLE, ZEV.
All right.
BYE ZEV
Wait. If you’ve got time we could talk about Gossip Girl? Or have you decided to focus on the crawl?
I AM A CONSTANCE BILLARD SCHOOLGIRL FOR LIFE
Yeah. Me too.
That post-apocalyptic fic finally updated.
REALLY? ARE YOU SURE?
Yeah. I think you’ll really like where Dan’s plan is going. It’s high stakes but if he can make it work the pay-off is huge. And even if Serena betrays him, it still gets the lava zombies off their backs.
WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVE THE PERFECT ACCESSORY FOR DISCUSSING THIS. LET ME GET MY BERET
Wouldn't a beret be better for a coup rather than fighting zombies?
YOU MIGHT THINK SO ZEV BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT
