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He was unable to understand why he felt nervous.
By this point, he has visited Sunao's detention facility numerous times, so it's not as if this is the first time he has been there. Even if he isn't the main cause of his anxiety, he believes it might be the fact that he is finally leaving the facility after only a few months. He feels it's a bit early for that, so perhaps that's what's making him anxious.
But oddly enough it just feels like it’s too early for the people around and strangely not for him. The paintbrushes dipped in a reddish rage, the letters and papers full of malice sitting at his doorstep and the hate messages marked with permanent ink are indicative enough of how much no one wants him out of there.
Although he didn't receive a lengthy sentence for his actions in Shibuya, since he technically didn’t do irreparable harm to anyone, it has been a somewhat chaotic process. Nevertheless, there are still people who were hurt by his actions who despise him for it. Society isn’t as willing to forget, much less forgive.
For the first time in his life, he simply doesn’t know what to do, and that deep down terrifies him. He is unsure of whether he should go there and tell them to let him stay for a little bit longer, or if he should bring him home and let him live with them despite the fact that the apartment is too small for three people, or if he should leave him at the organization and have him live here. Maybe all of these “what-ifs” are the reason why he's nervous to begin with.
“Tobi!” The sound of his name pulls him from his daze. When he turns around, he sees Ryuuko wearing matching Christmas pajamas and a Santa cap. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn't thanked Monika for gifting it to her, he should call her soon and-
“TOBI!” He hears his name again, louder this time. He notices how the girl in front of him is pouting and doesn't look happy at all. “Don't ignore me.”
“I’m not ignoring you” he tells her. It’s true, he just can't stop his thoughts from wandering. "I was just thinking about something."
"Bullshit, you are incapable of thinking," she says. She seemingly pouts a little more, crossing her arms and swaying from side to side to make it obvious that she is upset. "I'm hungry so stop getting dressed and let's go eat."
He merely lets out a sigh. She's actually quite spoiled, but surprisingly he’s not shocked about that, he’s pretty guilty of it too. He gives her another look and says, "I told you I had to do something first."
She seems unconvinced by the explanation. "But Christmas will be over by the time you come back."
"Christmas lasts until midnight, Ryuuko." he can’t help but roll his eyes. Since this is her first time celebrating Christmas, he can’t blame her for feeling excited. He's not sure what Monika told her about the holiday, but it might have been really over-the-top to make her this eager. “I promise you'll have fun, just let me go so this thing really quick, okay?” he puts his hand on her head and pats her, he’s recently found out she loves it when he does that.
“Okay!” She smiles, her pout fully going away. “We'll have so much fun!”
He also draws a tiny smile in spite of his nervousness and uncertainty. He tries to persuade himself, saying, "Yeah, we're going to have a great time."
Once ready, he exits the apartment with Ryuuko trailing behind, though she doesn't move beyond the vicinity of the door. He gets on the elevator and through its window he sees her standing motionless.
He just hopes she doesn't stand there waiting for as long as it will take him to get to the facility, the last thing they need is for the apartment to get cold.
It's interesting to watch him through a grille, to put it mildly. Now that he thinks about it, when was the last time he saw him, face to face, without something separating them in the middle? Every time he came to visit him, he had to be behind glass and now…and now the gate opens and he can see him properly.
He was told he couldn't get past the gate's area for security reasons and that he would have to wait for the person behind it to emerge alone. However, he knows Sunao and is aware that he won't take that first step on his own.
And when he observes him hesitating, as though he is reluctant to step out, he knows he is right.
He chooses to disregard the guard's orders and goes over to take his wrist and lead him out, knowing that they both have things and places to be. He is aware of the guard's outraged expression, but he doesn't really care.
The walk is rather...quiet, to say the least. He can see that Sunao feels uneasy because he looks around like he's waiting for someone or something to come out to do…something, maybe.
He is unable to avoid feeling uneasy as well. At the very least, he was hoping for a less unpleasant and oppressive mood, even though he didn't expect Sunao to be the height of happiness at the moment. He's never been good at trying to cheer people up either, so he's not sure what to say or do.
It's funny in a way, it would seem that today his mind is simply shrouded in such deep uncertainty that he simply doesn't know what to do anymore. He hates that feeling.
"Tobi..." he hears his name and is startled out of his trance once more. He turns to look at Sunao, who has an expression that oscillates between wanting to cry and wanting to scream. But knowing him, he won't do the latter.
It doesn't take him long to figure out why, though, as he sees the Sunao’s apartment door and he’s hit immediately with the answer as to why.
Graffitied and stained once again, with letters and papers that do nothing but incite hatred and contempt for a person who is far more complex than anything that can be said about them in the character limit of a social media account or a newspaper.
He can't resist letting out another sigh. “I cleaned it yesterday; I can't believe they came back.”
The bucket and sponge he used to clean it should still be in the apartment’s bathroom, if he recalls correctly. He thinks it might be a good idea to clean it again. He would then discard the letters and-
"Tobi..." he hears once more. He observes that Sunao is not staring him in the face; in fact, he is not focusing on anything in particular, and his pupils are moving around in his eyes, unsure of where to place them.
The best thing to do right now would be to just go inside, he thinks.
He takes the key out of his pocket and the two of them enter the dimly lit room that Sunao used to call home. Nothing has changed since he left; everything is still the same. CDs, posters, clothing, movie covers, and other items are strewn all over the place with no sense of organization. He watches Sunao walk through all the mess and examine every item that belongs to him, his gaze sorrowful and melancholic. He can't help but wonder what's going through his mind.
Instead of thinking about unnecessary things more than he should, he goes into the bathroom to get the sponge and bucket, filling it with water and clumsily mixing it with soap. He opens the doors and starts cleaning it, grateful that this time they used markers and paint that could easily be washed off.
“By the way” as he keeps cleaning the door, he says. Perhaps Sunao will feel more relaxed if he doesn't see his face. “We were thinking of celebrating Christmas tonight. You're invited if you want.”
He doesn't get a response—at least not right away. Although the silence is a little oppressive, he won't rush him for an answer, he doesn't want to upset him.
“It's no problem if you don't want to come” he tries to be empathetic, he doesn't want to make him feel obligated. “If you want to stay here and rest-”
“All of it…” he stops his rambles when he hears a barely audible murmur. “I want to throw all of it away, Tobi.”
The way his eyes are fixed on a corner of the room, surrounded by boxes, boxes, and more boxes, catches his attention. Although he is unsure, he might swear that there is a shelf of some kind there as well.
"All of it?" He asks, a little perplexed. "Are you sure?"
He simply responds, "Yes," without removing his vacant gaze from the corner.
Trying not to think about it all too much, he lets out a sigh. Why would he want to discard everything? It's better to just help him at this point and not question it too much.
It’s fine, it’s still early. They have time.
Despite having some concerns about bringing Sunao here to celebrate Christmas with them, he must admit he has no regrets about his decision.
He believes that Ryuuko was the main source of his worry, but, as eloquent as she is, she managed to put both of them at ease. Somehow, she was able to kill all that awkwardness in an instant, making Sunao laugh as well as making him eat.
He can't help but think it's a warm and pleasant atmosphere. Maybe all that uncertainty from before was nothing more than his worries but he believes that perhaps everything will be alright…for now at least. They're having fun, they're enjoying themselves, they're laughing...
Everything will work out.
Or at least that’s what he wants to tell himself. Uncertainty retakes his mind for some reason.
Despite his best efforts to persuade himself that everything was fine he can't shake the feeling that something isn't quite right. Call it a hunch.
He is startled out of his thoughts by the sound of the subway and notices Sunao boarding it. He notices him grinning and, for the first time during the evening, not holding his phone.
He had been using the camera app on it all day. He quickly realized that he was using it to see since he was having problems with his sight, most likely as a result of the hit he received in the accident and also the fact that his scarred eye already had issues to begin with.
It's odd, though; why wouldn't he want to see them while saying goodbye? Maybe it makes him feel sad? Although that wouldn't make any sense considering they are going to see each other again tomorrow.
Ryuuko waves her hand goodbye and exclaims, "Bye bye, Bucchi!" with a big smile. Meanwhile, he nods in his direction, hoping he will get the message. Probably not.
He gives her a smile, "Goodbye, Ryuuko-chan." He gives Tobi a direct look this time. "Thank you, I had fun tonight."
He thinks it odd that after having been trying to avoid eye contact all day, he’s now looking at him with no problem. He also finds it strange that he is smiling so naturally.
Something isn’t right and he doesn't know what it is.
"No problem," he says, attempting to ignore all of his uneasy thoughts. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He gives him somewhat unpleasant smile and answers, "Yeah... see you tomorrow."
The train departs as the doors close. He is unable to shake the feeling that something is wrong.
The cold is something he detests. It is powerful, it consumes, it stings, and it hurts most of all.
Even though it's freezing outside, he can feel his body burning. As he sprints through Tokyo's dark streets, his legs feel heavier with every step he takes.
He's not entirely sure why he's running, why adrenaline is pumping through his body, or why his brain is screaming out to him to keep running no matter how much he wants to stop, but he doesn’t, he just keeps going. He doesn't stop even though he has no idea where he's heading or where his legs are leading him, but he can’t bring himself to care.
He doesn't know how or why, but in his state of confusion, his body took him to a nearby beach. He can't help but stop and hang onto one of the railings to get some air, he felt as if he was going to faint.
The smell of salt coming from the sea doesn't help either, it makes him feel a bit sick.
He hates being in this predicament, unsure of his destination and Sunao’s whereabouts, feeling afraid, and worst of all, feeling afraid for no good reason. Why does he worry so much? It's as simple as phoning him to ask if everything is all right.
Almost hysterically, he takes out his cell phone and berates himself for not thinking of that earlier. He dials Sunao’s number and waits for it to ring, nervous that he won't get a response.
He was ready to hang up and try again when he suddenly heard Sunao’s characteristic ringtone in the distance. He turns around just in time to see him dropping like a heavy rock into the icy cold, dark sea.
For the first time in his life, he just stays frozen in place, unmoving; no matter how hard he implores his legs to give it one last go, they just won't. No matter how long he looks into the dark waters, the seconds go by without Sunao emerging from them.
He is at a point where he questions whether what he’s seen is true or if his imagination is just playing terrible and hideous tricks on him. What else could it be? It isn't feasible that everyone he cares about, including his brother, Ryuuko, Rei…are simply leaving his life just like that, right?
But Sunao…Sunao is…
When he realizes what is actually happening, he gasps and starts to run. He dives into the water despite the fact that he is still wearing all of his winter clothing, which could make him heavier and more likely to sink along with him.
His lungs hurt from the cold water, it's dark and freezing, and he can't help but feel scared. Scared of losing someone again, scared of drowning, and scared of being unable to escape this situation.
Because no matter how many times he goes after someone or fights for their sake, everyone—every single person—leaves him alone, disappears, and leaves him behind. He curses his lack of resolve and his poor ability to act fast.
He doesn't think he's capable of handling another loss like this, he doesn't want to have to go through this suffering again.
But most importantly, he doesn’t want Sunao to go through this kind of suffering either.
Even though he doesn't think that miracles or supernatural forces exist, he still wants Sunao to live if there is a being out there that can accomplish the impossible.
He swears and makes promises that he will support him, help him with whatever he needs, and avoid repeating his previous mistakes, so...
‘Please, don’t let him die’ is what he thinks before his mind and consciousness begin to shut down entirely. He thinks that even if he doesn't make it, at least Sunao should. Exchanging his life for the life of someone he cares about…sounds like a fair trade.
But in the middle of all the confusion, he feels Sunao’s hand touch his own, as though by some heavenly miracle. He regains all the strength he had lost just a few seconds before, and swims back to the surface while holding the boy.
Just for a moment, he would like to think that, for now, everything will be all right.