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“My dearest, Alexandra.
I wanted you to know that I’ve prayed for you. So if ever we didn’t end up together, I’d find you in our next life because you’re the only one I’d ever love this way. I know that. And if we end up together, I’d wish to find you in another life because one lifetime isn’t enough to give you the love that I have for you. This I promise you :p
Much love,
Casey <3”
———
Alexandra Cabot was never the one to back down, get surprised, or get caught off guard. But seeing the redhead face to face as soon as she walked into the precinct, to say that she’s taken aback was an understatement. Those intense gazes with a hint of mischief, something familiar yet so foreign; those pairs of eyes— she’d recognize them anywhere, any day.
———
2007
Whenever Alex would win a case, she’d celebrate it by coming home early, with her favourite takeout on one hand and a bottle of beer on the other. She doesn’t drink beer, but that’s how she celebrates it most of the time. Other times, she’d go to a bar to have a drink until she’s not sober enough to send an appropriate text message, and that’s when Olivia would come pick her up; tonight, is one of those nights.
Although different.
Alex saw people dancing, both on the dance floor and some on their seats. There are also groups of people who are singing their lungs out, and a couple of numbers of people who are making out, which she rolled her eyes at as she scoffs. Unbeknownst to her, someone not too far from her was watching her. Alex’s breath hitched as she met the gaze of the woman who’s been eyeing her. The woman’s red hair was in a neat ponytail. She has a playful smirk on the corner of her plump pinkish lips, a hint of amusement behind those green eyes, and a glass of beer in hand. The redhead raised her glass in her direction, and Alex had to blink twice because she thought she was hallucinating, but she wasn’t.
The redhead made her way towards Alex, initiating a conversation. She was hesitant, but she was too nice not to entertain. From their favourite beverage to their favourite subject in law school, Alex ended up enjoying every bit of it. And before she realized it, she’s letting herself be dragged by the redhead in one of the cubicles inside the washroom. The redhead pinned her to the wall, wrapping her slender fingers around her throat that made Alex moan.
“Casey.” Alex breathed; her eyes closed. The redhead halted, but the smirk never left her face. She studied the blonde’s face, her fingers around Alex’s neck tightening. Before Alex could say anything, the redhead’s soft, plump lips were already against her, nibbling on her bottom lip.
Alex didn’t know what had gotten into her or how it had happened, but she found herself inside the redhead’s bedroom, lying beside her, the redhead’s back facing her.
Her eyes wandered over her as she wondered, her mind wandering over the past. She was so conflicted. How she couldn’t bring her hand to caress the redhead’s hair or to trace her features, how the woman’s breathing was so even, and she was so peaceful in her sleep, or how her heart was not at peace with the presence of the redhead beside her. Tears beamed in her eyes as she inhaled deeply and held her breath, bringing her hands to at least try and feel the warmth of the woman sleeping next to her. Along with her sharp exhale came the tears falling. She couldn’t. This felt so wrong. She wasn’t Casey. She would never be her Casey.
Casey was a cuddler, and she did snore when sleeping, but Alex didn’t mind, never did. She loved watching her redhead in her sleep. Her little snores were like music to Alex’s ears, and as weird as it may sound, it’s what helped her fall asleep. But this woman beside her, she might have her Casey’s face, but she didn’t have her features. She felt ashamed, betraying Casey like that… betraying Casey at all.
Alex quickly gets up from bed. She picks up her clothes and dresses herself, getting out of the woman’s apartment as fast and as quietly as she could. What happened was a mistake. It was a lapse of judgement. She wanted to smack her head into something. Instead, she cursed herself.
Not caring about how she looked, she booked a cab and went home. Seeing Casey made her burst into tears. She sat down in front of her. Alex caresses Casey’s face, her fingers trembling.
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed. She bit her bottom lip, containing her sobs.
She didn’t get an answer. Alex shut her eyes tightly, wrapping her arms around herself. This time, she let it all out.
“I’m sorry. I miss you.” She sobbed, tightening her embrace.
She may look silly, crazy, even. Like someone who’s lost her mind, but she didn’t care. She hoped she’d get an answer, but she knew she never would. Even the most stupid person knew that one would never get a response talking to a tomb. And Alex wasn’t stupid, but she was grieving. She was hopeful. Call her delusional, but up until now, she still wished that this had all been a nightmare. She just wanted her Casey back. Why was that too much to ask?
She sighed, wiping her tears. She caressed Casey’s picture that was on the tomb once again, a faint smile on her face. “Don’t look at me that way,” she chuckled wryly, shaking her head. “I made a mistake… but it wouldn’t happen again.”
Alex stayed true to her words.
———
Present (July, 2008)
“Alex!” Elliot called, a file in his hand. That snapped Alex out of her thoughts.
The detective walked towards her, but before he could approach the blonde, she gestured to him, making her way out of the precinct. Her steps were quick. The echoes of her heels stuck to the redhead’s ears as she followed them with her gaze.
Alex has always been a fast walker, but Elliot’s steps were big, making it easier for him to catch up with the lawyer. Words were not needed; he guided Alex into an empty hallway where the attorney threw herself into his arms, biting her bottom lip as she silently let her tears fall. Just what she needed, Elliot knew.
The detective wrapped his arms around her. “It’s okay,” he consoled Alex, sighing. “I was… surprised myself.”
Alex distanced herself a little from Elliot, her lips parting slightly, wanting to say something but not a word could come out of her. She purged her lips, which was a wrong move because as soon as she did that, she started hyperventilating, which made Elliot panic.
Then he remembered, “Hey, Alex,” Elliot called, his voice gentle. “Try to take deep breaths, please.” He asked, reaching for the blonde’s hands, his thumbs gently caressing the back of them, soothing her. Just as exactly as what Casey had instructed him to do.
———
2003
“Hey—“ Olivia attempted to greet one of their ADAs but ended up getting up from her desk and following the woman instead because she was rushing towards one of their interrogation rooms.
“What happened?” Casey’s voice echoed through the room, her tight expression softening as soon as she spotted her girlfriend seated on a chair, fists clenching, chest heaving. She ran towards her, reaching for her hands to clasp them with hers.
“Lex?” She softly called, trying to meet the blonde’s gaze. “Baby,” she called again, her thumbs drawing small circles at the back of Alex’s hands in a gentle manner. She smiled softly when the blonde finally cocks her head to meet her gaze.
“Hi.” Casey greeted, a small, playful smile on her lips.
Alex sighed, her breath steadying, her hands no longer clenched into fists. “Hello,” she mumbled, resting her forehead on the crook of her girlfriend’s neck. Casey’s fingers automatically ran through Alex’s hair as she wrapped the blonde in a protective embrace with her other arm. She looked up, her gaze directed at the detectives.
“Water, please,” she asks. Liv was quick to oblige, leaving Elliot in the room with them. “How long?” She asks him.
“Almost an hour,” replied Elliot, shaking his head.
“It’s not their fault, Case.” Alex mumbles, sensing that her redhead is about to go at them.
Casey heaves a sigh. “What happened, hm?” She softly asks, fixing Alex’s eyeglasses. “Talk or no talk?”
Alex shakes her head, backing a little so she could look at Casey. Liv handed the cup of water for Alex to hydrate as soon as she came back.
“Thanks.” Casey muttered to Liv before handing the cup to the blonde, assisting her. “We’re going home, Lex. You need rest.”
Alex nods her head, “okay.” She stands up, looking at Elliot. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. The male detective nodded in response.
“I understand.”
“Thanks.” She uttered, shifting her gaze towards her girlfriend. “I’ll just get my things and we could go, Case.” She told her before making her way out of the interrogation room, a small smile on her face because of the way Casey’s smiling at her.
Casey stood up, following Alex, but before she completely exited the room, she halted. “El, Liv,” Casey turned to face them. “Alex. If ever I’m not here—“
“That sounds like you’re saying goodbye.” He interjected.
Casey rolled her eyes at that. “Please, listen. If I’m not here—“ she sighs as she sees the male detective shake his head, earning a laugh from Liv. “Fine.” She sighs again, shaking her head. “If I’m not available, maybe you could try and do this to calm her down. She may not listen to Elliot—“
“Hey—“ Elliot purses his lips when Casey glares at him.
Casey then glances at the female detective. “—she might listen to you, Liv.”
———
Present (2008)
“Alex likes small traces at the back of her hands; it helps calm her down whenever she starts losing control.” Are Casey’s exact words. Elliot kept it in mind; he knows it’d be beneficial. But out of all the possibilities and scenarios he could come up with, he never expected it to be for this.
Casey was right; Alex wouldn’t listen to him; she never did. Not that she has to; there’s Olivia who can make her listen, and Casey whom she listens to. Alex never listened to him until now.
“Let’s get you home.”
Alex nods her head. “Casey,” she mumbles, wiping her tears.
“I know.” Elliot nods his head, too. “Let’s go.”
Once inside the car, Elliot turns the engine on, turning his head sideward towards Alex’s direction.
“Still don’t want to learn how to drive?” He asks.
Alex shakes her head, replying “never.”
“Alex—“
“Do you believe in reincarnation?” She asks, shifting the conversation.
Elliot chuckles. “I believe in the afterlife,”
The blonde nodded. “Casey believes in both.”
“What about you?” Elliot asks, starting to drive the car.
“If…” Alex puffed her cheeks before sighing, shaking her head. “I don’t believe in a lot of things. But if it means there’s a possibility of being with Casey again… is it too late to believe now?” She asks, looking at the detective.
“It’s never too late to believe,” replied Elliot, shaking his head. He stopped the engine.
“Flowers?”
Elliot smiled. “It’s been a while. I’d be quick.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and immediately hopped out of the car to go inside the flower shop.
Keeping his word, it didn’t take too long before he came back, placing the bouquet in the backseat, buckling his seatbelt again.
“Thank you.” Alex utters, glancing at the bouquet of aster and morning glory through the mirror, a small smile on her face.
The detective starts the engine, driving to their actual destination. “You don’t have to.”
“You were fond of Casey.”
Elliot chuckles. “Are you kidding me? She’s like a sibling I never had.”
Alex shakes her head, the small smile on her face never faltering. “She always gets on your nerves.”
“Just like how a sibling should be,” replied the detective, chuckling. “I know you’re surprised. She would be, too. But her leaving has affected the lives of more than you’d expected. She was a ball of sunshine to us all, in her own way.”
She nods her head, “that, she is,” agreeing.
“Elliot…”
“Yeah?” Once the engine was off, he turns his head to look at the blonde. He unbuckles his seatbelt.
Alex sighs, unbuckling her own. “What was her name?”
Elliot’s brows furrowed at that. Reaching for the bouquet, he answered “Amelia?”
She nods her head. “I can’t believe she looks like Casey.”
“Me neither,” he replied, getting out of the car, so did Alex.
Elliot places the bouquet in front of Casey’s grave as soon as they arrived, offering a little prayer with the sign of the cross. Alex sat beside him, her fingers automatically finding their way to the redhead’s picture, caressing it.
“I hope that the afterlife is real. Or that there’s another life. Or that multiverse really exists.”
The detective didn’t reply; instead, he gazed at Alex, encouraging the blonde to talk more.
“I wanted more with Casey, Elliot. I wanted more time, more memories, more days… I wanted a lifetime. What I wouldn’t give to have more with her than what was just given to us. I want her back.”
“Alex…”
“I’d always want her back, Elliot. I’d always hope for that.” Alex sighed, biting her bottom lip, her fingers still tracing Casey’s photograph.
“The first time I laid my eyes on her was also the time I told myself that she’s the person I’d marry. It felt weird because how the hell I was so certain about her, I didn’t even know her name. And she never even knew me. But I wasted no chance. She had to notice me. I have to be a part of her life. Looking back, I think I fully understood now. That maybe the reason why we never wasted a time was because that was all the time that we were only given. And fuck it, I wish it weren’t. I wish there’s more.”
“You know… between you and Casey, she seemed more like the type to be certain about you upon laying eyes on you,” uttered Elliot. “I mean, that woman was in so deep into you.” They both chuckled at that, the blonde shaking her head.
“Oh, if only you knew.” Alex replied, chuckling, her tears now all dried up, staining her cheeks.
———
April, 1996
“How was the pain? 1-10?”
Alex sighed, shaking her head. She massaged her temple, shutting her eyes tight, not at all bothering to give her friend a reply.
“Alexandra, don’t ignore me. I have nowhere else to be. I’d just keep bothering you that’ll aggravate your migraine if you wouldn’t talk to me. You know me.”
The blonde sighed once again, looking up at her friend this time. “You’re here to scold me, not to talk to me. That’s two different things.”
Her friend, Sam, had just raised her brow. “I told you to take a rest last night. You didn’t sleep.”
“I slept.” Alex interjected.
“For two hours. That’s not how you should sleep.”
Alex rolled her eyes. “Sam, shut it. The medication is starting to kick in, but your scolding would make it ineffective.”
Sam shook her head, her gaze never leaving Alex, who had her eyes shut tight again as she massaged her temple.
Not even half an hour later, they heard voices coming from two people, one of them dominating the four corners of the room.
“I said I’m fine! It’s just a sprain, it’s not like I’m dying!” The person complained, slumping in one of the chairs.
“And a scrape on your knee. Not to mention that it’s bleeding a lot and you can’t even walk properly because of the sprain. Just sit this one out, rest.” The guy replied.
“Now you’re being a real pain in my ass, Ben!” Replied the woman, half-shouting.
“Would you guys tone it down? My friend here needs some peace.” Sam politely asked.
“I’m sorry,” replied the woman. “We’re just leaving.” She tried to get up, only to end up slumping back, groaning.
“Hah. I told you, have it treated.” Ben uttered, carefully putting his friend’s sprained leg on an empty chair to elevate it, his voice now quieter.
“Shut up!” The woman hissed, just enough to make Alex pissed.
The blonde shut her eyes tight before opening them, her brows furrowed. She quipped her head, ready to snap at the owner of the loud voice.
Casey Novak. Alex knew her; she had seen her play softball once.
“Here, you might want to put this on the scrape on your knee and might as well apply some pressure to it to stop the bleed.” Alex uttered instead, handing Casey her handkerchief, her voice soft. “It’s clean.”
Casey smiled softly at Alex as she accepted the handkerchief. “Thanks,” she uttered, pressing it on her bleeding knee. “I’m sorry for being loud. I’d keep my mouth shut.”
Alex let out a small chuckle. “It’s fine. Thanks, though. I really need it. Migraine.”
“Ouch,” Casey winced, gesturing that she was zipping her lips closed. That made Alex laugh, shaking her head.
Alex realized four things that day: Casey Novak is funny, her voice couldn’t be sexier, and that she’s beautiful even in close proximity. The last one, well, her heart was beating fast. She’s used to it beating so fast whenever she’s anxious.
What Alex didn’t know was the fact that her heart could beat fast and feel at ease at the same time.
May, 1996
Alex meant every word she said. And when she said something, she made sure it happened. She doesn’t believe in fate, in lifting it all up to Someone, or that if you’d do good, the universe will have its way to pay you a good karma. If she wants something, she works hard to get it, no matter what— that’s her mentality.
She wants Casey, and she’d get her. One way or another. Even if it means settling for being just her friend.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Casey grinned as she settled herself in front of the blonde.
She loves dimples, especially Casey’s.
Alex let out a soft chuckle. “Nah, you just finished class?”
The redhead shook her head. “Nope,” she replied, making a popping sound on the ‘p’, placing a cup made of cupboard in front of Alex. “I brought you coffee.”
Alex took it back, she’d like to rethink some of her words.
“Thank you,” she smiled softly. “I’ll pay you.”
“Oh, no. You don’t have to. My treat.” Casey smiled, revealing how deep her dimples are.
Alex’s heart swelled at that.
“Wow, how sweet of you.”
“That’s what friends are for.” Casey winked.
She didn’t want to be just Casey’s friend.
June, 1996
Alex grew up always getting the things she wanted. She never needed to plead, to ask, not even bat an eyelash to get them. Call it privilege, but it’s not her fault she could get everything she desires.
But Casey Novak…
She never thought she’d ever do this, well, she’s still quite young, nonetheless, her mind was set that she’s never going to do this. Screw all of that, she thought.
She’s going to pursue the redhead whose nose is buried in the criminal law book, seated across from her.
“Ugh!” Casey grunts, pressing her forehead against the book pages.
“Don’t beat yourself up too much. Take a rest, Case.”
Casey tilts her head, her temple now the one pressed against the pages. “That’s reach coming from you,” she replied, chuckling lightly, her dimples showing off.
Alex bites her bottom lip, rolling her eyes as she looks away.
The redhead’s eyes widen at that. She shifts, sitting up straight.
“It was a joke.”
Alex snaps from her thoughts, quickly meeting Casey’s gaze. “What?” She asks, confused and surprised.
“Oh.” Casey chews on her bottom lip, sighing. “I thought I offended you.”
“What— no.”
“Well, you rolled your eyes,” Casey huffs, chuckling. “I’m sorry.”
Alex knows how to laugh, a soft chuckle, with her hand covering her mouth as she does so. Ever the poise one, miss prim and proper, as her friends had teased her. She’s never laughed so hard in her life.
“Alex!” Casey exclaimed, her tone a whisper. “Not so loud, we’re going to get kicked out of here.”
The blonde didn’t realize she was loud, or that she was laughing. She just knows she’s never felt this carefree.
Casey smiled with her lips pursed. Alex leaped and took the risk.
July, 1996
The blonde sips from her cup of coffee, pretending to look interested in what Casey is saying. She’s glad the younger hasn’t noticed it… yet.
They’re in a coffee shop, celebrating the end of their school term. The redhead is talking about someone, a guy. And she doesn’t like every single bit of it. A bar would’ve been nice, having a few drinks. But the younger prefers the coffee shop more. It’s less crowded.
Alex doesn’t like too crowded places.
But she could really use a drink right now, because the younger is smiling as she keeps talking about some guy. Alex sighs in defeat, genuinely trying to listen to her.
Casey can break her heart, and she’d willingly let her.
“He’s cute, Lex. And so sweet.” Casey continued, the smile never leaving her face. “And so thoughtful.”
She can be thoughtful, she can be all of that, and more. Alex wants to say so badly but fights the urge so hard. She nods her head, a small smile on her lips.
“Sounds ideal,” she replied instead, trying so hard not to sound dry.
“Yeah,” Casey’s smile falters. “Alex..”
“I’m fine. Just exhausted.”
“Exhausted that you want to go home or exhausted that you want me to stop talking?”
She wants her to stop talking about someone who’s not relevant. Alex shakes her head.
Casey chuckles, reaching over to caress the top of Alex’s hand.
“Let’s go?”
Alex nods, letting the redhead fix their things, following her.
The redhead never, if not barely, talked about someone, especially so fondly. To see her like this, it’s a new sight for Alex. And she’s glad to be able to see this side of the younger woman, though she won’t deny it’s a bit hurtful, too. Alex wasn’t sure what made her sad: was it the way the redhead talked about a guy, or that Casey doesn’t swing her way? Would it hurt less if Casey’s telling stories about a girl? Casey Novak is straight, that, she’s pretty much sure about.
But straight girls don’t close their eyes and deepen the kiss when you pull them in one… right?
October, 1996
It has been three months since the kiss happened and neither of them had paved the way to have that conversation. Alex wanted to, she tried for a couple of times, but it seems to her that Casey’s trying to brush them off every single chance.
The only good thing that comes from that kiss was Casey stopped talking about that certain guy who makes Alex’s blood boil.
Did Casey like what happened, Alex wonders? A thing she’d keep guessing because it seems to her that the redhead would never make it clear. Casey didn’t stay away, things between them didn’t get awkward, but it would be nice to have a clear mind, to know where you stand and which line one should not cross again or not even think about crossing.
Alex tried distance, not always making herself available whenever the younger one is around, but as soon as she makes one step back, she always ends up taking ten more steps towards the redhead. And she couldn’t decide whether she should hate the fact that she couldn’t be away from her or not. She really loves Casey, a thousandfold and more.
Alex has had enough. She sighs, tired of beating around the bush. “Casey, do you like me?”
The redhead’s eyes widen, her lips parting slightly. “What? You know I do—“ the older one cuts her off.
“You know what I mean.” Alex hissed, looking away. She’s almost in defeat.
“Alex..” Casey sighs. She chews on her bottom lip, a habit she’s picked up whenever she’s nervous or thinking something.
That doesn’t pass Alex’s eyes. Nothing about Casey passes Alex’s eyes. The latter likes nibbling on her bottom lip, and the former always wants to kiss her every time she does just as much.
She’s so doomed, she has long accepted that. It just happens to hurt right now.
“I don’t need you to be sure. But just say yes,” Alex sighs, shaking her head. “I’d take a maybe, even. Just not a no.” She shut her eyes, tight, her voice restrained, her tone pleading.
She’d really take whatever it is Casey could only give, as long as she’d give her something.
And if the redhead can’t give her anything at all?
“I like you, Alexandra. And I am sure.”
She’ll be damned.
She quips her head in the redhead’s direction, her lips slightly parted, her eyes widening. She tried saying something, but her voice seems to be caught in her throat.
Casey chuckles softly at that, she nibbles on her bottom lip, her hands reaching out, cupping the blonde’s cheeks. “I’m sure of you, Alexandra. Always have been.” She caresses the older’s cheeks with her thumb as she plants a soft, swift kiss on her lips.
Alex must be dreaming.
“Casey..” Alex gasped.
The redhead ran her thumb against Alex’s lips. “You deserve more than a maybe, Lex. I was deflecting, always brushing you off whenever you tried to talk about what happened. I’m sorry. I thought it’d be better if we stayed as friends.”
Reality, actually.
“Friends…” Alex echoed, chuckling lightly. “I thought the same, Case. But you were just so…”
“Charming?” Casey grinned.
“I was thinking irresistible, but yeah. That, too.” The blonde bit her bottom lip. “I thought I could settle just being your friend. Then, you started talking about… some guy.”
Casey laughed. “Charlie?”
The older woman nodded her head. “Yeah. That. Him.” She rolled her eyes.
“Are you jealous of him?”
“And if I am?” Alex huffed.
The redhead chuckled, pinching Alex’s cheeks gently. “I don’t like him, Alex. It’s with women I’m attracted to, a woman— you.”
“You sound so fond of him when you’re describing him to me.” Alex replied, rolling her eyes.
“Alex.” She made sure the blonde met her gaze. “He’s not my type. And I’m not fond of him, I’m fond of you,” replied Casey, fixing Alex’s eyeglasses. “I was trying to tell you he doesn’t stand a chance.”
Alex scoffed, her cheeks red. “You have a funny way of telling me that.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not good at this. But I mean it, Lex. I only like you.” Casey uttered, her tone soft and sincere. “Just you.”
“And you’re not just saying that?” Alex raised a brow.
Casey gasped dramatically. “You don’t believe me?”
Alex sighs, rolling her eyes. She gazes at her redhead back, her demeanor back to being soft. “Casey, growing up, I was full of doubts. The first time I felt so sure was the first time I laid my eyes on you. You’re my one comfort in this chaotic world.”
“You’re making me cry,” Casey pouted.
Alex chuckled lightly, tucking some loose strands of the younger behind her ear. “Be my girlfriend, Casey. I’d make you happy every day, every chance I’d get. I’ll never stop courting you and make you want to be mine.” She softly uttered, guiding Casey’s hand towards her lips, planting a swift, soft kiss at the back of it.
Please say yes.
“Then I’m your girlfriend starting today,” replied Casey, grinning, her dimples which the blonde loves so much showing.
The start of their forever, Alex thought.
———
Present (July, 2008)
“When Casey died, it felt like it was the end of the world for me.” Alex sighs, wiping her new set of tears. “It was like she took me with her. It felt so empty, incomplete, meaningless.”
“You really love her. You sounded like you’ve had so bad for her.” Elliot utters, staring at Casey’s photograph.
“You have no idea. Casey gave meaning to my life, Elliot. Everything she did, it fills my heart.”
Elliot nodded, even though the blonde wouldn’t see him. He takes a seat beside her, his gaze never leaving Casey’s photograph.
“I only see this smile when she’s looking at you,” the detective admits, averting his gaze from the late attorney’s photograph to look at Alex. “She was so in love with you.”
The blonde scoffed, then she bites her bottom lip to hide her grin, the flush on her cheeks gave her away, though. “Yeah. I was lucky. Just not lucky enough to be with her longer but… still lucky.”
“Mhm,” Elliot nods.
Alex sighed, turning her head to meet the detective’s gaze. “How am I able to let go when she gave me so much to hold onto, Elliot? I couldn’t just forget the memories we’ve made, everything we’ve shared. I don’t want to forget her.” She shook her head, a new set of tears falling from her eyes.
“You shouldn’t. Honestly speaking, if it’s Casey, she wouldn’t want to forget about you, too,” Elliot replied, wrapping an arm around Alex. “She’s too stubborn to move on from you.”
That made the woman chuckle. “I’d rather have her walk away from me than walk away completely from life. Because the pain of losing your partner physically, it’s indescribable. It’s consuming,” she sobbed, resting her head on the detective’s shoulder.
Elliot doesn’t know what to reply that will soothe his friend, so he remained quiet. He doesn’t have the right words, but he’s there, and he’s listening to her.
“Heartbreak wasn’t really foreign to me because of my friends. The way they describe it, I know it hurts. It’s one of the worst pains one would ever experience. But, in time, you’d learn how to live with it, or better yet, move on from it.” Alex sniffs, wiping her tears, a small smile on her face. “And over time, the mention of their name, or seeing them, wouldn’t hurt at all. Instead, you’ll be happy, especially if they’re happy.
..they also told me that the day after the break-up was the worst. Waking up, that is if you’re lucky enough to have slept at all, without a good morning from them, or wishing that what happened the night before was just a nightmare. It was surreal. Something in between of acceptance and denial. But this,” Alex starts crying again. “This is reprehensible.”
“Drink some water, Alex.” Elliot uttered, giving the blonde an opened bottle of water but the latter just shakes her head.
Elliot didn’t push, he recapped the bottle, putting it in front of Alex instead.
“I experienced denial, anger, bargaining, depression… and they said that what comes next is acceptance. Elliot, how could they expect me to just accept that the love of my life is now gone?” Alex choked in her own tears. “They don’t have to understand, but… this is much worse than a heartbreak. And no one had informed me about this. No one told me that it would be this hard. That she’d be taken away from me too early.”
“I’m sorry,” was all Elliot could utter. He pulled the blonde closer to him, squeezing her shoulder gently, hoping it will somehow help her.
“Nothing could ever prepare someone for something like this. It’s more than just the day before the break-up. Over the course of time, yeah, I’d be okay. But the chance of seeing Casey again, of bumping into her somewhere, gone. The odds of seeing her so happy, taken. I’d rather have us break-up, than not have her at all.
Grief wasn’t the same for everyone. Each of us deal with it, coping in our own ways. For Alex, she deals with it by holding onto every detail of the memories her girlfriend had given her, even if it means dehydrating her body out of fluid by crying her heart out. She blamed herself enough for letting Casey go that day, now she’s only with memento, and she’s too afraid to let go.
Alex remembers Casey from a lot of things. When she wakes up in the morning, when she’s having cereal for breakfast— Casey doesn’t mix her milk with her cereal, her logic is that she doesn’t want her cereal to get too soaked, so she’s taking a spoonful of her cereal then drinks her milk, the redhead is weird like that, and Alex loves every bit of her, pieces that makes her. Going to work also reminded her of Casey, for every perpetrator she faces, every case she wins, some cases she loses, she has Casey in her mind. She sees her on every corner of the precinct, every place they’ve visited, every meal they have shared.
But above all, she sees Casey in the littlest of things, those where people would have a hard time deciphering as to why.
Their little arguments because Alex is having too much wine without a proper meal, or that she had forgotten to eat her food; in their petty fights because no matter how she scolded Casey, there would always be a bunch of unfolded shirts scattered around their apartment; or how the redhead frowns while cleaning the kitchen because Alex made a mess, how they always exchange between sudoku and cross-word puzzle on the weekends.
She’s also always reminded of Casey with random things, the redhead’s favourite brand of beer, when snoozing her alarm in the morning. And autumn.
Alex’s favourite season.
Only because it resonates with her girlfriend. The orange and red hues of the leaves that resembles Casey’s red hair, the cool breeze of air that reminds Alex of her girlfriend’s husky voice that sends chills down her spine. Fall season is beautiful, just like her Casey. ,
———
Present (September, 2008)
Alex finds Amelia sitting comfortably in the interrogation room when she arrived. The woman smiles the moment she sees her, but the blonde remained poker-faced.
“Hi,” Amelia greeted, her tone polite, surprising the two detectives.
Alex wetted her bottom lip, sighing softly, calming herself down. It’s normal for her to feel repulse towards the suspects, but this, what she’s feeling right now, it’s more than just an extreme distaste, and it’s more towards herself than to the woman in front of her. Seeing Amelia made her remember that night. Disgust starts creeping her insides, she doesn’t like the reminder.
She really looks like Casey.
The blonde takes a seat in front of Amelia, her face expressionless. The latter raised her brow, clearly taunting Alex, but the attorney knows better. If she bites the hook and reacts, what happened between them will be out, it’s not a good idea.
“I said hi?” Amelia uttered, feigning offense.
Liv creases her forehead, Elliot remained stoic.
“I know, I heard you.” Alex quips.
“It’s basic human decency to greet back the person who greeted you.”
Alex almost rolled her eyes. “And what do you know about human decency?” She asks, the corner of her lips curling into a slight smirk.
Amelia didn’t bite back, instead, she lets out a soft chuckle. “Do you really want me to remind you?” She husks, smirking.
“We’re not here to play games with you,” Liv growls, pressing her palms against the table, she’s now beside Alex.
“Alexandra,” Amelia smirks, her tone flirty. “You should tell your friend to calm down.”
Alex’s resolve tensed. “Don’t call me that.”
“But it’s your name?”
“Shut up.” Alex hissed, her fists under the table clenching.
Amelia grins. “Is that what she calls you?”
Liv’s eyes widen a bit and Elliot tenses, they know who was it she’s talking about.
“Don’t you dare.” Alex warns.
“Oh,” Amelia smirks. “What’s her name— Casey?”
Alex’s expression darkens, jaw clenching, her gaze at the woman in front of her sharp.
“Take her name off your filthy mouth.” She said through gritted teeth.
Amelia chuckles lightly, the smirk never leaving her face. “You seem to love this filthy mouth so much thatnight,” her tone in mockery.
“It was a mistake. You are a mistake.” Alex replied, full of venom.
“I might be, but you can’t deny the fact, Alexandra,” Amelia grins, “you had fun. Especially when I have my fingers wrapped around your throat. Why, was it something Casey couldn’t do?” She taunts, the tension in the room becomes overwhelming.
The next thing Amelia knew, her back is pinned against the wall, her throat clenching because of lack of oxygen, and the blonde is standing face-to-face with her.
“Do. Not. Mention. Her. Name. Ever again.” Alex said furiously.
Everything happened so fast that even the two detectives who are present in the room were surprised. Besides, they were too caught up to the revelation that they weren’t able to follow through on what just happened. The woman started wheezing, Liv seemed frozen in place, and Elliot has never been this scared. Alex’s whole body is trembling, her expression blank, but it was dark. She’s seething, and both the detectives don’t have any idea how to calm her down. Even Amelia’s lawyer tried getting her away from his client but she’s strong, and they have no match with her.
Casey had let them in to her little secret about the things one should do if Alex is crying.
“P-please..” Amelia’s voice is hoarse, almost a whisper, she’s tapping on the blonde’s hands, pleading her to let go.
—if she’s anxious.
“Alex!” Liv called, trying to remove Alex’s hands from its chokehold on Amelia’s neck but to no avail. She’s unsuccessful.
—or whenever she’s annoyed.
This time, it was Elliot who tried. “Alex, please.” His tone is soft, wrapping his fingers around Alex’s wrists, his thumb caresses the back of her hands, but Alex wouldn’t budge.
Nothing about when she’s livid, no, Casey didn’t leave them any instruction or tips. It never occurred to them that they’d need one, until today.
Alex Cabot, when mad, is deadly.
“Alex, you’re going to kill her!” Liv shouted.
“Come on, Alex, let go.” Elliot tried again, his thumbs drawing a pattern at the back of Alex’s hands. “Please..”
But the lawyer was in too deep with her rage to listen, to even hear them. She doesn’t let go, not when Amelia’s close to not breathing at all, her eyes slowly closing. Instead, Alex tightened her grip on her neck even more.
“Alexandra.”
Alex wasn’t sure if she’s starting to hallucinate, or she’s really, already gone mad, but she could swear she heard Casey calling her name. And it was enough for her to snap from the rage that enveloped her. Her expression softens a little, though her gaze on the woman remained sharp, she lets go, backing away from the woman in front of her.
Amelia clutched her chest, coughing and gasping for air alternately, she’s on her knees.
“Know that this wouldn’t go unpunished, Alex.” Amelia’s defense attorney uttered as he helped her on her feet.
“And I want you to know that I don’t care.” Alex husks, her gaze still sharp.
The defense attorney was about to say something more, but Amelia stopped him, they made their way out of the interrogation room.
“You know her.” Liv uttered, being someone always doesn’t beat around the bush.
Alex heaves a sigh; her hands are trembling. She clenched them, turning to face her friends.
“Yeah.”
“Alex, sit down,” Elliot suggested, guiding the blonde to her seat. “You don’t have to tell us. We don’t have to talk about it. We’re here.”
“Thanks.” Alex muttered, a small smile on her face. “I don’t need to say it. You’re detectives, I know you already figured.”
Elliot nods his head, smiling a little. “Yeah..”
“It was a year ago. I was drunk.” Alex sighs, shaking her head. “She looks so much like Casey. They could pass as twins,”
“Yeah.” This time, it was Liv who replied.
“It was the Tandy’s case. I won, and for some reason, I was eager to celebrate.”
“You always do.” Liv replied.
Alex shakes her head. “Not since Casey died. I stopped. I mean, it just didn’t feel right. Casey was there the first time ever I won a case, and she insisted that we celebrate it. Since then, we always do. With her favourite beer and takeout.” She lets out a soft chuckle as she reminisces. “When she… left..” she nibbled on her bottom lip, playing on the ring that serves as a chain on her necklace. “It just doesn’t feel right. The bar became my go-to place.”
“That’s where you meet her.” It was Elliot.
“Yeah. It was also our anniversary, I was in my most vulnerable state. When I saw her, I thought she was Casey. Their resemblance is so uncanny.” Alex sighs. “She approached me, and she reminded me so much of her. One thing led to another. Fuck.” She exhales sharply, shutting her eyes tight. “I made a mistake.”
Liv places a hand on Alex’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “Alex..” her voice soft, sympathetic.
“I should’ve just gone straight to her. I should’ve fought my urge that night. I shouldn’t have give in.” Alex shakes her head, running her fingers in her hair in a frustrated manner. “She wasn’t Casey. I should’ve not..”
Alex exhales sharply, removing her eyeglasses, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I wanted something physical. I wanted to be physically with Casey. I wanted to touch her, kiss her, hug her. Not just some photograph of her, but her.”
“The living version of someone is always better.” Elliot utters, handing Alex a glass of water.
Alex accepted it, drinking from it before she shakes her head. “She’s not a living version of Casey. They were two different people. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have betrayed her.”
“You didn’t betray her, Alex.” Liv uttered.
“I did. I missed Casey so much I wanted to see her in every face of people I look at.”
Elliot sighs. “Alex..”
“I just want her back. I want my Casey back. She promised me forever. It’s not fair.”
“It’s not.” Elliot replied. “But it’s also not fair to you to blame yourself for something you didn’t even want to happen in the first place. You were drunk, you were grieving. You made a mistake, okay. But it wasn’t betrayal. Even Casey would agree with me that it’s not.”
“I.. I don’t know.” Alex sighs.
“Forgive yourself, Alex. Casey would want that.” Liv said, patting Alex’s shoulder.
“And she’d also want for you to not be hard on yourself.” Elliot added.
After the incident, Alex came to visit the only person who could ever put her mind to ease and knock some real sense into her— Casey.
Alex cleared the dried leaves that are piled up in front of her girlfriend’s burial niche, before sitting with her legs crossed. A small smile on her face as she traces Casey’s features in the photograph, telling her what happened earlier that day. “She looks just like you, Case… you both have the same height… hair colour… God, you both even have the same bone structure.” She sighs.
“Well, she has more fashion sense than you…” she huffed a chuckle, trying to stop her tears. “And I miss you. And she sounded just like you… And… baby, I miss you so much. When I saw her, I thought I’d seen a ghost… your ghost. But she’s nothing like you, you know? She would never be… she couldn’t even if she’d try so hard. There’s only one of you, baby. I’m grateful I had that… I had you. I hate this. You really have to make me sappy, didn’t you? You love it. You so love it when I’m being all this… I’d be like this every day, Casey. If I do… would you come back? Please, come back… I swear to you… I’d be the most hopeless romantic in the entire world.. just please come back to me, baby. Please.” She choked by her own tears, wiping them harshly.
“I’m sorry.” She apologized, for what, she doesn’t know, she’s not sure anymore. For sleeping with Amelia a year ago, perhaps. Or maybe for not being too quick enough to stop her from saying Casey’s name; or it could be for letting her anger consume her resulting to her, almost killing the woman. She couldn’t figure it out.
One thing she was sure of, no matter what the circumstance is, no one and nothing could stop her, it would always be Casey she’d run to.
———
Present (October, 2008)
“You found strong evidence this time?” Alex who had just arrived at the precinct, asked Elliot who look rattled as of the moment. “Stabler!”
That’s enough to snap Elliot from his thought. “What?”
Alex tried so hard not to roll her eyes. “Are you okay? Did something happen?” She asks, worry is evident in her tone.
The detective sighs. “I found something about Amelia.”
“And it’s not going to help our case.” The blonde assumed.
“I mean— yeah. It’s not about the case, Alex,” replied Elliot, his clutch on the folder tightening.
Alex’s brows furrowed, “okay?” She purses her lips, trying her best to keep her tone neutral even though she’s getting weird out of the man.
“Don’t tell me she’s already killed someone else before?”
Elliot’s ears reddened, looking intently at the attorney. The blonde huffed a chuckle, shaking her head.
“I was kidding—“
“You’re not wrong.” Elliot cuts her off.
“And you want to add that to her charges?” Alex asked, still confused as to what Elliot wanted to tell her.
“I think this one is up to you, Lex,” Elliot softly replied.
“What—“ with her patience running thin, she snatched the folder from the detective and harshly opens it, reading the report. “N-no… no way.” She muttered, her whole body trembling.
For every case she tried, every perpetrator she convicted, Alex’s heart broke not knowing what the person who got Casey killed even looked like.
Justice. That was all she wanted for her girlfriend. Casey didn’t deserve what happened to her, she especially doesn’t deserve that while she was taken away from this world, the person who put an end to her beautiful life was alive, and very much walking free.
Almost four years, that’s how long she has to wait to put a face and a name on the person who was behind the stirring wheel. It ends now.
“And you’re a hundred percent certain of this?” Alex asked, her eyes never leaving the file report.
Elliot nodded his head. “I would’ve not called you here if I wasn’t, Alex. The last thing I want to do is to rip the bandage off your wound.”
Alex heaves a sigh, her eyes still scanning the crime report in her hands. “Will you please bring her? I want to talk to her.” This time, she brings her gaze over to the man. Without saying anything, Elliot stood up, put his coat back on, and left the precinct.
1 hour and 30 minutes, it only took this long before Elliot comes back with Amelia and her defense attorney. Alex gestured to the detective before making her way to one of the interrogation rooms, the three behind her. Once inside, the blonde takes a seat, waiting for them to get settle before placing the folder in front of the other woman.
“What’s this?” Amelia’s defense attorney asks, about to open the folder.
“Let her.” Alex interjects.
Amelia smirked towards the prosecutor before looking what’s inside the folder, the smirk on her face falters, she gazes back at Alex, her eyes apologetic.
“She looks like me.”
“Yeah.”
Amelia nibbled on her bottom lip, shaking her head. She couldn’t seem to wrap the fact around her head.
Alex breathed sharply, she reached on the ring hanging around a chain over her neck, gently caressing it. She closes her eyes for a second, as if she’s getting some strength from it, she then opens her eyes, looking directly to the woman in front of her. Her expression neutral.
“I wanted to know, why did you run away?” She asks, her tone soft, almost quiet.
Amelia shakes her head. “It was an accident. I never meant for it to happen.”
“Yet, you ran away.”
“I have to.” Amelia was quick to reply. “I was running for my life… from this. I never raped anyone, but I was in the room. And they told me that if everything comes out, they’d pinned it on me.”
“So you decided to kill Sydney after two years? And not to mention, kill my girlfriend, too, while you were, and as I quote your words, running for your life?” Alex scoffs.
The stockbroker shakes her head, nibbling on her bottom lip. “I’m sorry.”
“But sorry wouldn’t bring back Casey’s life, now, will it?” Elliot butts in, shaking his head, his jaw tensed.
Amelia glances at the detective “It won’t,” she shakes her head, gazing back at the blonde, “but I’d still like to apologize, nonetheless. It was long overdue, but it’s the least I could do. I did some things I’m not proud of, but Alex, what happened to your girlfriend, if I could go back to that night, I would just to prevent it from happening. I am deeply sorry,” she sighs.
“Elliot’s right. Your apology won’t bring my Casey back. Neither does pressing charges.” Alex uttered making Elliot’s ears perked up.
“Alex.” He sighs.
Alex didn’t budge, her eyes focused on Amelia. “From the day of Casey’s death up until now, I never lost hope that I’d, someday, somehow, bring her justice. I believe it was what kept me going.”
Casey was easy to forgive. She wasn’t the one to hold grudges. People who have wronged her don’t even have to apologize, and she’d still forgive them. Maybe that was how she was raised, or how she was taught, or could have something to do with her religion, but whatever the exact reason was, Alex found it hard to fully comprehend her girlfriend’s kindness. Even today, facing the person behind Casey’s death, she still couldn’t fully grasp the idea, and she couldn’t understand herself for forgiving Amelia instead. It’s what Casey would do, it’s what she’d want. It’s what Alex is choosing.
“I’d really want to press charges and sue you for being the reason why Casey was taken from me, but she’d want otherwise,” Alex uttered, shaking her head, a small smile on her face. “I’ll be fine with you giving me a closure.”
Elliot wanted to protest, but he knows that Alex is right. Casey was something else, and that’s what made her able to change their lives for the better.
“Thank you, though I know I don’t deserve it.” Amelia replied, her eyes glistening with tears. “And I also want you to know, I didn’t just run away. The reason why you were able to… found some trace of her blood from my car’s tires was because I drove to where her car crashed to check on her. I was the one who called 911. Not that it would make a difference, I wished for her to make it.”
Alex didn’t say a word after that, instead, she just nodded her head. She stood up, fixed her eyeglasses, and give Amelia one last look before she smiled a ‘thanks’ to Elliot and leave the room. Months later, it’s not impossible that she’s going to beat herself up because of this, and that’s okay. Forgiveness, really, it’s so easy to ask for it. But giving forgiveness, it’s something that’s really hard to understand how someone can give it so easily. Maybe she doesn’t have to, maybe she never will. Maybe all she has to do is to do it— forgive. It isn’t easy. It takes bravery, courage. And for Alex, it also took thinking it is something that Casey will be proud of.
Next thing to do, maybe move on?
———
25 December 2004
The clouds are dark, the breeze of the wind is cold, contrary to the weather forecast that it’s going to be sunny today, snow started falling. But Alex doesn’t mind.
She was looking forward to this, she even took a day off just to make sure that everything’s ready, that it’s going to be perfect, and she never took a day off from work. Not when she’s sick, not when it’s her birthday, not even when they’re celebrating their anniversaries, she can do half days, lessen her workloads on the special occasions, so she doesn’t really see the need to take an off from work. Besides, she’s an assistant district attorney, her job requires her to be available 24/7.
Not today, though. It’s Christmas, her eight with Casey this year. Eight happiest years of her life, and more. And what makes it more special?
She’s going to propose to Casey, tonight.
Alex wasn’t a fan of romance. Truth be told, she finds people who proposes on holidays like this cliche. For her, it’s predictable, they’re easy to read, that makes it overrated. Good thing she has a big appetite, though, because if not, for what she’s going to do today, she’d be full by swallowing her words back.
Casey always made sure she’s happy, be it holidays or not. The redhead always finds ways to make her laugh, smile, blush, and if still possible, make Alex fall for her even more. And the latter thought, for the kind of solace and contentment that the former had given her, it’s now her time to make Casey the happiest, alongside her—that is if she’d say yes—, proposing to the redhead on her most favourite season.
Everything was set, the dinner that Alex had prepared, with the help of their friends, especially Liv, being the one who’s expert inside the kitchen; the redhead’s favourite beer, Alex would’ve preferred some expensive wine but today is all about Casey; and the blue-velvet oval-shaped box that contains the ring is in a paper bag, placed under their Christmas tree.
The blonde glances at her phone screen when it rang; she felt butterflies on her stomach upon seeing Casey’s face flashing on the screen, her heart beating fast. Weirdly, it’s not in a good kind of way. She figured out why once she answered the call, a voice of a man who introduced himself as the paramedic, explaining to the blonde why he has the redhead’s phone, what happened, but Alex’s mind wasn’t registering any word from him.
Everything happened so fast, she felt like she’s in a movie where the scenes are in a fast-forward mode, the next thing she knows, Elliot is guided her towards the ambulance. There, she saw Casey, her body all bruised, drained blood on some of her vital points, a huge cut from her forehead down to her cheek. Alex’s heart sank at the sight, tears all over her face, her knees trembled.
“Casey!” Alex ran towards the gurney, enveloping her girlfriend’s body with a tight hug, refraining the paramedics to wheel Casey inside the emergency department unit. She sobbed, pressing a kiss on her girlfriend’s lips.
“Please, live. Fight. I’ll wait for you, baby. I’m waiting. I love you so much. Live for me, Casey, please.” She whispered in her ears between her sobs. When she felt Elliot’s grip around her arms, and when she heard him call for her name, she planted a soft kiss on Casey’s forehead before getting out of way, walking behind the paramedics instead.
Alex loved being ask. Especially questions that challenges her wits. And in return, she delights in asking questions, particularly when she’s proving a point. But out of all the debates she participated in back in high school and college, all their mock trials, and her courtroom sass, nothing has prepared her for this.
“Should worse come to worst, would you want us to resuscitate her?” was the nurse’s question. Alex had to blink a couple of times for the words to sink in. She knows just like when they’re interviewing a suspect in their field of work, what the nurse was doing— asking was standard questions, still, she’s so close in snapping, that it shouldn’t be asked, that the answer is obvious— they should do the best they could to save the love of her life.
“Yes,” was Alex’s replied, instead.
She’s so lost, Olivia and Elliot had to repeat the questions to her before her brain could fully comprehend it to formulate a coherent response without giving out that she wants to gnaw everyone’s heads off. She’s never been this anxious
As soon as Casey was brought inside the operating room, Alex finds herself inside the chapel. Why was she here, she does not know. She doesn’t even have any idea how to pray. She saw Casey once, but that was it.
She nibbled on her bottom lip as she knelt on the chair’s kneeler at the front. She clasped her hands together, looking directly at the man nailed in the cross hanging at the center part of the altar.
“Hi, it’s me. Alexandra Cabot.” She sighs, shaking her head. “You probably don’t know me, but I’m sure you know my girlfriend— Casey Novak? She prayed to You a lot, every night before going to sleep. I’m sorry I don’t believe in You, but she does, and she needs Your help right now. Please let her live. Please let her be with me, I’m begging you.” Alex sobbed, pressing her forehead against her clasped hands.
The blonde jolted when her phone rang, without looking at the caller ID, she answered it, her gaze fixed on the cross, her tears continuously falling.
“Alex, where are you? The doctor’s looking for you.” It was Elliot, his tone somber.
Without a word, Alex stood up, shoving her phone inside the back pocket of her pants. She quickly made her way to where their friends are, shaking her heads upon seeing them. The doctor walked towards her the moment she spots her, reaching over to give her a pat on her shoulder.
“No.” Alex muttered, breathless. “No.”
“I’m sorry,” started the surgeon. “We did our best, we couldn’t bring the electrical impulse back.”
Alex bites her bottom lip, hard it almost bled. She shakes her head, her face covered in tears. “P-please, try again. I’m begging.”
Olivia and Elliot could only sigh, they look away, both were trying so hard to prevent their tears from falling.
The surgeon shakes her head, smiling sadly at Alex. “I’m sorry. There’s nothing more we could do.”
“I want to see her.” Alex said in defeat, and the doctor was quick to grant the blonde’s request.
Alex felt her heart stopped beating when she saw Casey’s lifeless body. She’s paler as ever, her demeanor looks peaceful despite the cuts and bruises. Even in her eternal sleep, she looks ethereal.
She sobbed, putting two fingers under the redhead’s jaw, feeling for her carotid pulse, she cried harder when she felt nothing. Growing up, she heard stories of princesses getting a true love’s kiss that saved their lives, so a kiss on Casey’s lips was what she did, unsuccessful. Maybe a true love’s tears, she cried above the redhead’s body, pressing her forehead against her cold chest, ineffective. She wept, clutching on Casey’s body, praying for a miracle to happen, for her girlfriend to suddenly be alive.
Suddenly, everything stopped making sense.
Alex had only cried thrice— the one where she received the call about Casey and she saw her body in the ambulance, second was when, for the first time, she prayed from above, and when the doctor told her that her redhead didn’t make it. After that, she stopped crying, at all.
At least, to the knowledge of her friends and everyone around her.
She didn’t shed a tear during Casey’s wake, not when she gave her final speech, should’ve been her vows, instead it became a farewell to her beloved. Not even when they burned her girlfriend’s body back into ashes. Alex just stood there, watching the whole thing unfold.
Every time she’s telling someone about Casey, Alex was also never in tears. The longing was there, in her voice, with the way she tells their story, but her eyes and cheeks are dry, like everything’s okay, like she’s moved on.
Makes people wonder, questioning if Alex had ever really loved Casey at all.
Alex feels bad, starting to think that maybe they were right. She questions herself sometimes, sure, she knows to herself she did give Casey her all. She loved the redhead so much; she was sure of her. She’d sacrifice everything for her. It wasn’t enough, though. The things she knew and believed in weren’t enough to not let people’s words get to her. She wonders, too, sometimes, in fact, most of the times now, if she really deserves Casey, or if the woman even deserved her in the first place.
All because she only shed a tear three times.
She was grieving, sure, everyone around her was aware, but she was coming in terms with it on her own, the best way, the only way she knows how.
Alex cries her heart out, more oftentimes than not, in the middle of the night, in their room, where she’s lying on Casey’s side of the bed. Sometimes, without a warning, she’d bawl her eyes out. There are times where she’d just stare at nothingness, reminiscing her moments with Casey, the conversations they had, the things Casey did for her, and the things she regretted not doing when she still had the chance.
———
Present, (25 December 2008)
Christmas is Casey’s most favourite season— time for sharing, time for loving, time for family, the ones you’re born from, and the ones you gained and choose along the way. She was a giver, a little bit self-explanatory as to why she loves December 25th.
Alex wasn’t really a fan of Christmas. Not the tradition, not the sappy movies that come along with it. The foods, a little bit, maybe. The songs, only when Casey sings them. And the gift-giving, well, she loves spoiling her girlfriend so much. She loved her more than anything, that includes getting fond of this certain holiday, too.
Casey made it meaningful.
The last 7 years, at least. Because the eighth, the world took her away from the people who love her dearly, the universe took Casey away from her. Since then, Christmas had become bittersweet for the blonde. And Alex was pretty sure her soul died with her.
Because how are you supposed to be happy on the death anniversary of someone that has your heart?
“I’m still mad at you for letting me celebrate your favourite holiday alone for the last three years, you know,” Alex sighs, shaking her head. She places the plastic flowers in front of Casey’s grave, chuckling at herself. “But I don’t have to, do I?” She hugs herself, reeling in the coolness of the breeze.
This Christmas, it’s going to be different. Because she’ll choose to celebrate it surrounded by the people who love her and, of course, who loves Casey. Because that’s how her girlfriend would want it to be. What happened four years ago, it still hurt. It will always hurt, something that will forever linger, but she will carry on. She was not alone, she doesn’t need someone else, someone new. She was exactly where she’s meant to be.
“Seriously though, I’ll be fine, my love. It’d be a lot better if you’re here with me, but since you can’t, all I ask of you is to wait for me there. I’m just not sure how long exactly but I’m certain that it would be very long. Because I’ll live, Case. I’ll survive, I’ll continue along, and this I promise you. I love you.”
Alex wasn’t a religious person, she wasn’t a believer, but her girlfriend was. And in her girlfriend, she trusts. She’d move forward, carrying Casey with her, in her heart, in the memories they shared, in the places they planned to visit. She’ll live, she’d be okay, not only for the redhead, but also for herself. She’d create new memories, lots of them, so if her time to meet Casey in heaven comes, she’ll have many stories to share. She’ll be okay alone; she’s got enough love from her redhead to last her a lifetime.
“My dearest, Alexandra.
To the only one who has a hold of my heart, happiest birthday. Thinking of something to give you wasn’t easy, because how am I supposed to beat the greatest gift you’ve ever given me— your love. Remember the day when you promised me that you’d make me happy every chance you’d get? You never fail. Not ever. I love you, more than you’ll ever know, greater than what I’m showing you. You are my only love, and Lex, I want to stay it that way.
You weren’t just my lover, you are my best friend, too. My confidant, the one I’d kill and die for (don’t roll your eyes, it’s your birthday, come on! Besides, I’m just saying, doesn’t mean it’ll happen!) I know I’m not a perfect partner, but I am real and sincere. You are much appreciated, my love. Every time I look at you, I get a glimpse of what my future would look like, and I love every single bit of it, because there’s you, with me. There’s us.
You are my future, my present, and everything beyond and in between.
The ring that comes with this letter was not an engagement ring, I wouldn’t propose to you this way. I told you, you deserve the world and more. It’s a promise ring, rather. Three promises for each syllable of the word ‘I love you.’
My heart will only beat for you, no matter the distance, despite the circumstances, regardless of what the world will throw our way, it wouldn’t beat for anyone else. You’re divine, Alexandra, please don’t forget that. And if there will come a time that I fail to make you feel like that, leave me, because then I don’t deserve you. But I don’t want to ever lose you, just the thought of it physically pains me, so I won’t forget. Never.
I wanted you to know that I’ve prayed for you. So if ever we didn’t end up together, I’d find you in our next life because you’re the only one I’d ever love this way. I know that. And if we end up together, I’d wish to find you in another life because one lifetime isn’t enough to give you the love that I have for you. This I promise you :p
Much love,
Casey <3”