Work Text:
Write Christmas cards. She eyed her to-do list questioningly. She had bought Christmas cards and she’d written them – now she only had to fill out the address. Did she now all the current addresses of her friends anyway? She’d filled the card for her best friend completely – that one would have to go into an envelope. Next, she needed stamps. Did she have stamps? No up-to-date ones – the price had increased again. Getting a card was a proper Christmas present nowadays, pricewise. But it was a time-honoured to tradition – it was worth it nonetheless.
By the way – did she get all the presents she needed? A quick glance at her list… she still had no idea what to get for her uncle. Did she have to get anything for her uncle? He always gave her a Christmas present, so the answer was yes. But what? Frustrated she fell back into her desk chair. After work, she always had so little energy left… and so many things to do. Her “to-do list of things to do before Christmas” was still long and time was short. She thought about it for a moment, then she crossed out “getting presents for my neighbours”. She didn’t know them that well anyway and she wouldn’t even be here for Christmas. The wreath on her door had to suffice as decoration. It would be nice to decorate the door more thoroughly, but this, too, was something she cross out easily.
Bake biscuits. They had turned out nicely. But now, it was midnight, and she had to get up early next morning for work. She remembered that there hadn’t been time to make supper – at least she had snacked on the dough a little while baking. That had to keep her until the next morning. She went to bed tired and work up tired and was in no mood to do anything more than absolutely necessary all day. Her free time filled up with distractions and activities that did nothing to help her get closer to achieving her goal. All the while, the panic of not managing everything she needed to do before Christmas built up and festered in the back of her mind.
The 24th drew ever closer, only half of the presents had been wrapped, the Christmas cards were still in her pockets. She had taken them with her but then forgotten to visit the post office. She checked her phone – 20+ unread messages from people who might have wanted to meet and do something before Christmas, or maybe they had questions she couldn’t answer. She didn’t even have the mental capacity to read them. If it was important, they would hopefully call her.
She got herself some takeaway on the way back home because she really didn’t want to cook something after this most stressful workday. At home, she threw her bag in a corner, her jacket on top of it and sat to wolf down her sustenance without even noticing her Christmas decorations. Accompanied by an episode of a very un-Christmassy series…
Three hours later, she decided to only watch one more episode. A look at her to-do list, which menacingly reflected the cold TV lights, sent a shiver down her spine. She had planned to do so many things and what had she done instead? Nothing.
Two-and-a-half episodes later, the bathroom need pulled her away from the flickering lights sand she used this chance to turn off to the TV to not be tempted again. Her to-do list had essential and less important tasks on it… she had to at least finish wrapping the presents.
On the morning of the 24th, she had dark circles under her eyes and was in a bad mood at work. Her to-do list was still not even close to completion even though she had slept very little the last few nights – which, in turn, had resulted in her being distracted more easily and hardly motivated. When she came back home, she noticed her elaborate decorations for the first time in a long time. Why had she put do much effort into decorating her flat if she didn’t appreciate it and no one else got to see it? Of course, she wouldn’t be spending her Christmas here – she would visit her parents. Which meant that she had to get into the car in about an hour and drive for about two hours and she had more than two hours of to-do list tasks before she could even leave… how was she supposed to manage that?
She had made such an effort in the last few weeks to meet all Christmas expectations. She had decorated, baked, written, planned and bought. She had listened to Christmas songs all day long until she couldn’t hear them anymore. She had followed all Christmas traditions right down to the last detail and still… now, she only felt empty. Tired. Hollowed out.
She finally opened the messenger app.
When are you coming today?, her mom had written. She hesitated for a moment, she knew that her decision had been made, though. It made her heart bleed, but she knew what she had to do.
I’m sorry, mom. I’m not feeling well. I won’t make it today. Hopefully, I will be there tomorrow. Xx
She put her phone away and surrendered to her silent tears. Christmas Eve would be cancelled this year. Work and all the Christmas expectations had exhausted her completely. What use was it to do all these Christmassy things just because it was tradition; when, in reality, she was neither in the mood nor had the energy to do them? Christmas was supposed to be a celebration of happiness.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat there but eventually, the tears dried up. She turned off the Christmas lights and went to bed. And slept.
Th next morning, she was feeling refreshed. Now, she was able to pick up her phone and read through all the unread messages. Most of them were greetings and Christmas wishes from friends, often paired with pictures of Christmas trees or other decorations. There was a missed call and a message from her mother.
I hope you’re feeling better. We are looking forward to seeing you. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
She was smiling now, despite everything. To hell with Christmas decorations and Christmas lights. To hell with biscuits. To hell with Christmas markets. In the end, Christmas was about making time for yourself and the people you cared about most. Time to do some soul-searching and find peace. Time to share joy.
She stuffed all the presents in a bag, packed her things and left her flat. The wreath thumped against the door when she closed it with vigour. It was pretty and really, what more decoration did she need? Why had she spent some many thoughts on decorations? She walked to her car with a new spring in her step and started the playlist with her favourite songs. To hell with Christmas songs. If they annoyed you, what use were they, anyway?
When she arrived at her parent’s home, the scent of Christmas dinner was already wafting through the door and her family gathered around the large table. She was hugged and asked about her well-being but first and foremost, she was welcomed. Her mother – however she managed it, with all the Christmas preparations and work and Christmas dinner – served the turkey, and it was wonderful. The togetherness was wonderful. And there it was, the long-awaited Christmas feeling which she had desperately missed at her own place. It wasn’t in the decorations, the biscuits, not even in the presents. It had been here all along, waiting for her and she was happy that Christmas had come this year, even though it had come with a bit of a delay.