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When Ray's mom died he was devastated, to put it simply. Even though that barely brushes the surface of how to describe what he's feeling. His heart aches and he feels unmotivated to move from the bed. He shuts his eyes and squeezes his fists, trying to take deep breaths in through his nose and out of his mouth.
He's unaware of when his partner rolls over in bed beside him, but appreciates the boy sliding into the space under his left arm. Michael's curly hair against his chin and warm presence pressed up against Ray's body is comforting and Ray lets out a deep sigh.
"I know you don't feel like crying anymore but if you feel like you need to, don't hold back," Michael whispers against Ray's collarbone.
Even though it's dark in the room, the window allows just enough light for Ray to make out the shape of Michael's head as the boy peppers kisses along Ray's shoulder. The relaxed mood Michael is setting really helps, reminding Ray to appreciate what he has while he has it.
The boy has been nothing but helpful the past two days, even taking time off school to stay at home with Ray and keep him company. The first day was definetly the worst and not just because Michael only made it to his house after third period. It's because that was the day that it really hit him.
He'd actually gotten the news three days ago, in a phone call from a relative who was at the hospital with her when she passed. It barely hit him. He was upset of course, but silent. He almost expected her to come home, barreling through the doors at four fifteen with a story about her crazy boss and incompetent coworkers.
When she didn't he still wasn't worried. It was odd and he had to take a minute to wonder what was wrong with him. Why wasn't he a wreck? Who doesn't cry when they find out their mother passed away?
Michael's hand running gently up and down Ray's sternum draws him from his thoughts and he realizes his breathing has gotten off track again. He steadies it out and works on maintaining it, while the arm around Michael tightens and he rubs his thumb up and down on the boy's upper arm a few times.
It was only the second day that it became real and that's why he refers to it as the first day. He'd woken up to an empty house and just walking into her room and taking a look at her belongings broke his heart. He climbed onto her bed and wrapped himself up in her sheets with his phone in hand, only waking up from the nap about an hour later to two missed texts from Michael.
Hey hope you're not sick or anything and your mom's just letting you take the day off
if you are sick tho text me back pls
Ray didn't want to be dramatic about it but the only thing his thumbs typed when he brought up the keyboard on his phone was
i need you
It was like some romance novel, an hour passed by and there were rapid knocks at his door.
"Ray, let me in."
He rolled out of her bed and walked sluggishly up to her door, opening it and getting an earfull of Michael.
"What's going on what's wrong? Is someone here? Do you need me to take you to the hospital?" Michael asked anxiously, eyes raking over his body in search of something wrong.
Ray smiled lightly at his boyfriend's concern but the tears falling down his face told a different story. Hospital. Yeah, where my mon died and I wasn't even there for her.
He slumped over slightly and Michael stepped forward, taking Ray into his arms, holding onto him tightly. Ray's hands hang loosely by his sides and he buries his head into the crook of Michael's neck.
"My mom's fucking gone," he said, for the first time aloud.
It was rough, and it still is hard not to think about her when all of their memories together are in this house. Ray sniffles and draws his chin in to kiss the top of Michael's head through his small curly bush of hair.
"It's gonna get easier, right?" he asks, head falling back onto the pillow and keeping his eyes glued to the ceiling. Michael's hand stills against Ray's chest and he nods, careful not to bump into Ray's chin.
"It'll take some time but, yeah. You'll still think of her but you'll remember her fondly. It's hard for the first little bit but I'll help you do whatever you need to do to find some closure, alright?"
"Thank you," Ray whispers back, believing in the reassuring words from his boyfriend.
He's lucky to have someone like Michael.