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Ever since the band’s conception, Lily had been to only a single Marauders concert. It was never for lack of invitation but instead due to her uncertainness. And despite her familiarity with the band members (some, more than others) and her love for the genre of music (indie rock), Lily hated even thinking about the band.
To her, it was reminiscent of the most horrible and depressing time of her life; when her life was split into two parts, Before and After.
It had been sunny, the day she got the call that her parents and sister had died. She could remember the feeling of disbelief (it couldn't have been real, no way. It was just an awful prank or a bad dream) as the doctor told her that he had done everything he could, but the car accident was too much to save them.
Too much, he had said. Too much.
Everything had been too much for Lily. That day she had gone home and cried till nothing came out. The next day she went to the hospital and signed papers. She couldn't bear to see the remains of her family, so she didn't. It was too much. The next day, after 2 days of getting no texts or calls back, her friends had gone to her apartment.
She told them what had happened and that everything was too much. Eventually, her friends left, one by one, until only James remained—her sweet, sweet boyfriend.
He spent the night, holding her against his chest as she sobbed. The next day, she broke up with him.
She called her job to tell them she quit. She emailed her professors and told them what had happened and that she would quit college. She called her landlord to say she was moving out. She packed her most essential things and gave the rest to her friends to keep for her.
And then she left. She got a train ticket and headed for the country, away from the city and her responsibilities. She ran from the pain of everything.
So, how does the band tie into this? It all had to do with James and how she left him. She never meant to break his heart, not really. And she knew, God she knew how much of an asshole move that was. At the time, she just needed to get out and away from everything and everyone. It was all too much.
But it wasn't fair to him. It was a cruel thing to do, whatever her reasoning.
She truly did care about him. They'd been friends for years before ever dating, though the dating part was fairly new—only about three weeks. She had been excited about exploring that relationship, but then it ended before it could even start.
So, seeing or even hearing about him made Lily feel awful. She regretted how she had behaved and was worried he hated her. She would spend hours just thinking about their relationship, before and after the dating part.
Now that two years had passed, she could say (think) how she missed James. Everything about their friendship and blossoming romance. Of course, she missed her other friends too. Remus, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, and even Sirius and Peter. She missed the city and having an apartment, somewhere to call home. For two years she had been staying at low-budget hostels and mildly distant family members’ houses. She felt that she was ready to come home, that it wouldn’t be too much for her.
A feeling that was both right and wrong.
↬↴
Lily took her phone out of her pocket and checked the time.
6:42
She put the phone back and as soon as she did it dinged. Lily sighed and took her phone back out, reading the text message. She smiled.
6:42
Remus :
hey, are you coming to the show tonight
She texted back quickly, her fingers flying across the screen.
Yeah, I’m excited to see you play :)
It’s been a while.
Lily looked up at the mirror in front of her. She was standing in the hallway of her apartment near the door. She shook her head and typed another text.
How is everyone doing?
Lily bit at her lip nervously. What she was really asking was, how James was doing. She hoped Remus got the hidden memo.
A moment later, he texted back.
6:43
Remus :
Sirius and Peter are jumping around crazily. they’re very excited
Lily stared at her screen. Okay, Sure. She can be happy with knowing how those two are doing. But c'mon, Remus, you know what she’s really asking.
Remus :
Typing…
6:44
Remus :
James is doing fine. rn he’s focused on a sheet of music. OH, speaking of, we are revealing a new song tonight
and as a warning, it’ll be personal to you. it’s okay if you wanna step out for that part of the show. it’ll be the last song of the night and James will introduce it with some kind of speech, so that's your cue
Lily sighed. It was a blessing that she had Remus. He always looked out for her and made sure nothing was ever too much for her to handle. It was also a curse, because now she was worried about the song. What was it about? Why could it trigger her?
Well. Whatever. She agreed to go to the show. She can’t back out now. She's doing this for Remus, sweet, caring, kind, lovely Remus, whom she loved and cherished.
Okay. Thank you for telling me. I’m leaving rn, can’t wait to see you play :]
6:46
Remus :
ofcourse. see u soon x
Lily smiled at the text message before putting her phone away in her pocket. She leaned into the mirror and looked at her face and hair. She had put on some makeup, a base of sunscreen, and blush. She didn't feel like doing a whole look but still wanted some color for her pale skin. She also put on mascara, but she thought it looked weird today, somehow. She applied some lip gloss before accepting that her face just looked weird today. There wasn't much to do about it, she reasoned that it was just her brain being strange. And not her face changing overnight, because
-That’s not possible,” Lily accidentally said out loud. She stared at her reflection bizarrely. God. She needed better control of her mouth today.
She shook her hair, trying to get some volume in the mildly greasy roots. She was out of dry shampoo and patience. Lily grabbed her purse, her keys, and then the doorknob. She exited her apartment and locked the door.
Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She can do this, for Remus.
↬↴
James walked onstage, feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness. It was his first big show in a while and he was almost afraid he’d mess up.
Almost.
The crowd cheered as soon as they saw the band, his band, and James grinned. He waved to the crowd with his free hand, the other holding his guitar. James walked up to his microphone and tapped it. He spoke into the microphone, tilting it lightly towards him.
“How’re we feeling tonight, folks?”
A chorus of Goods came from the crowd, fueling the energy in the room. James smiled wider and played a chord on his guitar. He leaned into the microphone, saying, “That’s good to hear. Now, it’s been a minute, huh?
Now, for anyone new here, my name is James,” he placed his hand on his chest, introducing himself.
“I’m Sirius,” James turned to look at him and he saw Sirius with a matching grin to his own.
Peter spoke into his microphone from somewhere behind James. “I’m Peter.”
“And I’m Remus,” Remus said. He was to James’ left, but slightly behind him. James couldn't see him without turning his back on the audience.
“We are The Marauders, and we’re here to make you think about death and feel emotions and stuff!” James laughed about his reference into the microphone as he spoke. Behind him, Peter yelled, hitting his drumsticks together.
“One, Two, Three, Four!!”
The four of them started playing their instruments in tandem, going along to the beat Peter was making with the drums.
↬↴
Lily swayed and danced to the music, letting the songs flow through her, feeling each note in her veins.
She was kind of near the front of the crowd, not close enough the band could see her but close enough to see them. She watched all of the band members, but her focus always gravitated toward James.
He’s front and center, of course, the attention goes to him, Lily reasoned. She denied the way her eyes fell on him, even when different band members got the musical spotlight. She watched his every movement. How he stood, his feet planted steadily beneath him, his back straight. The way sweat gleaned down his neck. His face, the way his mouth moved as he sang. The way he grits his teeth when he focuses on getting a difficult part of a song right. His eyes, the deep brown color, how they shined in the light. The way his tanned skin barely hid the red flush underneath. The way his arms and hands played guitar, how he strummed the body and held notes on the neck. Was it possible to be jealous of a guitar?
Lily paused her train of thought. What? What does that even mean? She. What.
She crossed her arms over her chest. No. She cannot think that about James. She was the one who broke up with him. And even if she did feel that way about him, she couldn’t pursue it. At least without getting to know him again, as friends. But that would be awful, to get in contact with someone, be friends again, just to date them. He probably doesn’t feel the same way.
Lily let out a breath of air she’d unconsciously been holding. Yeah. No way James could like her again, not after everything that happened. Not after everything she did.
But. Maybe. Maybe he’d like to try being friends again. She missed him, his friendship, above all else. Ever since they met in high school, he was a constant in her life. But for the past 2 years, she’d barely seen him. Occasionally she would see him at a party or gathering, it was hard to not see someone if you have the same friends. On only a couple of those occasions, they’d exchange a few words. Small talk.
Lily was brought back to the present moment by James talking.
“-this next song is a new one. It’s never been played in front of a crowd before, so please be nice,” James chuckled. He turned to Sirius for a moment, sharing a look. It would've been easy to miss if Lily wasn’t staring intensely at the exchange, Sirius gave James the smallest nod. Reassurance.
James turned to fully face the crowd again. He grabbed his microphone and took it off the pedestal.
“The title is ‘come back to me’ and it’s about an ex-girlfriend of mine. We’d been friends for a while when I finally asked her out. But uh, life got really difficult for her, something external and awful happened. So she broke up with me and left the city.” He paused for a moment, just staring out at the crowd. His eyes passed over her and Lily felt chills.
Then, his gaze found her. She stood still, shocked he could find her in the crowd. She hadn’t known that Remus told James she’d be coming to the show. Lily couldn’t look away from his eyes.
“It was made years ago but I thought tonight would be a good time to finally reveal it. Looking back on what my exe had to deal with, I understand her a bit more. I hope she’s okay now.” James turned from the crowd, from Lily, to nod at Peter.
Peter started the beat for the song and the rest of the band played their instruments along to it. Lily watched James as he played with his eyes closed, his hands gently strumming.
The song started soft, or at least softer than their other songs. But the beat slowly got to be More.
Lily couldn’t think properly. It felt like the song was the first she’d ever heard. No other song could compare, it was somehow the best song ever made, and also on a completely different level than any other song. It was like all her favorite songs combined into one, like it was made just for her and her alone.
Which, it kind of was. Made for her.
It was beautiful. She summed up all her thoughts into that one word. It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever heard. And throughout the entire song, James would be either closing his eyes or looking at her. It felt electric, the way their eyes met as he sang about her. For her, to her. She watched his every move, the way he sang, and how he stood loosely but stable. The muscles that moved in his arms as they played his beloved guitar.
She loved it. She loved the feeling of those moments. She loved the song. She loved that he made it for her, she felt. Seen. Like that after these 2 years, he still knew her, as deeply as he knew her back then. Maybe even more.
Lily dared not to think about how she felt, how the song made her heart race and her head feel funny. She felt hot, all over. It felt like a fever. The scariest part was that she liked the feeling. She liked how he made her feel.
Lily hadn’t dated since she and James broke up. Since she broke up with James.
She wasn’t abstinent though, and had been on a couple of first dates. But nothing serious. She’d never found someone worth staying for. Somewhere in the back of her head, she knew that she had never gotten over James. So it shouldn’t be weird that she feels this much emotion about him.
Still, Lily felt uncomfortable. She was unsure about everything, if she truly felt love for him or if it was just because of the song. If he could love her back. If she was even ready to try a romantic relationship with him again, or just try a relationship in general. She was sure about one thing though:
She needed to talk to him.
↬↴
As soon as the song ended, James thanked the crowd and headed backstage. He held back tears as he went straight for his makeshift changing room.
James cried a few silent tears, looking at his reflection in the mirror he had propped up. His changing room wasn’t much of a regular changing room. He didn't need to change outfits or makeup, but it was a nice area to be alone before or after a show. It had a plush, blue armchair in one corner and a small sofa in another corner. On the same wall as the door was a tall mirror that went from James’ feet to just above his head.
Near the armchair was a side table with a pretty lamp on it. James turned on the lamp and a warm, yellow glow filled the room. He walked back to the door and turned off the big overhead light. Instantly, the room felt warmer. He sat down in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection.
Staring back was a tired and emotional man with eye bags covered in concealer.
Remus had told James that Lily would be coming to the show. James knew this. So it was surprising that when he saw her, it made him feel upset. It was hard for him to describe, but he tried to define his feelings as he sat there. Happiness, he was glad to see her coming to the show. Some anxiety or embarrassment, he was worried about what she thought of the performance and songs (what she thought of one particular song). Maybe a touch of sadness. She had hurt him with her actions.
He had long ago forgiven her, but it still hurt a little. More than anything though, he missed her. He wanted to be near her again, to see her. To make her laugh, smile, to make her happy. To be friends again.
James still loved Lily. He loved her with his whole heart and he just wanted to be in her life again. But he didn’t want to be pushy. He hasn't talked to her much in all this time because he didn't want to intrude into her life, it would most likely be unwelcome. He knew she needed space, so he had decided, sometime 2 years ago, that he would let her extend the offer of friendship. Make it her choice, so it wouldn’t be too much for her.
However, he’d chosen this show in particular, out of any of their bookings for the next month, to play that song. He knew she’d listen to it. He would still leave the chance for reunition to her, but that didn't mean he had to be completely silent about his wants. He wanted her back. James hoped she got this message through the song.
↬↴
Lily watched James leave the stage, feeling strangely hopeful. She knew logically that James had to have moved on. Maybe he had someone waiting for him after the show, someone pretty and nice and who Lily is now jealous of. She shook her head. No.
Lily will not be jealous of someone she doesn't know exists. A better use of that energy would be figuring out a way backstage.
She pulled out her phone and texted Remus. He had just left the stage after thanking the crowd, everyone behind the scenes, and the people who owned the venue.
Hey, can I come backstage?
Lily looked at the crowd that surrounded her. There were people laughing with their friends, others trying to leave the venue, and some people texting on their phones like her.
8:58
Remus :
yes, meet me by the bar
She looked up and turned around to find the bar. Once she found it, she headed in that direction. Lily trusted Remus to not lead her astray.
↬↴
After finding Remus (who was wearing sunglasses and a hat. For some reason), he led Lily on a maze-like, roundabout path to the backstage area. Lily assumed it was so a random person couldn't get in, but she also suspected Remus was messing with her the whole time. Either way, she had fun following him around.
Lily looked around the room she was in. It was more of a hallway, with a few doors. One end led to another hallway that opened to the stage, while the other end led to the door that connected the backstage and public area. It was guarded by a burly security guard on the public side.
Remus turned to Lily and smiled. “So. How are you?”
Lily jumped forward and hugged him tightly. “I’m doing better today. How are you doing?” she spoke, muffled by his shoulder. “Your show was amazing, by the way. I absolutely loved it.”
Remus chuckled and wrapped his arms around her. “Thanks, we worked hard on this show. It’s been a minute since our last one. And I’m doing well, I’m feeling pretty ecstatic and high on energy from playing. God, it was great.”
“I’m so happy for you. It feels like a great new chapter.” Lily smiled, pulling away from the hug to look into her friend’s eyes. He was grinning ear to ear and she could sense the happiness within him.
Remus looked towards one of the doors and smiled more softly. “Do you wanna talk to James?”
Lily glanced at the wall behind Remus. She took a deep breath. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”
Remus walked up to one of the doors and knocked. A few moments later, the door opened. James stood there and looked at Remus first, but then his gaze moved to Lily. He smiled. Lily did too.
“Hey, Lily wanted to talk with you, if that's cool.” As Remus spoke, James turned back to face him and nodded.
“Yeah, of course. Would you like to come in?” James said.
Lily nodded but Remus declined, saying he should go talk to Peter and Sirius. He walked off down the hallway towards a different room. Lily watched him go.
When she looked at James, he was watching her. She took a step forward and he took one back, holding the door open for her to walk in.
“Thanks,” Lily said, as she took in the small room. It was full of pretty colors and the low lamplight made her calm down a little. She was still very nervous, though. It felt like her heart could explode any minute. She silently prayed that this interaction would go well.
James motioned for her to sit down on the sofa and Lily accidentally let out a noise of surprise at how low it sunk. James laughed at her.
“Hey! I didn't know it'd go down like that,” Lily huffed, fake hurt. It was kinda funny.
James put his hand up to his mouth, failing to cover his laughter. His eyes scrunched up and Lily could see the faintest amount of shininess there. He was laughing to (almost) tears at her!
Lily wrapped her arms around her chest and leaned back. She felt the faintest redness go to her cheeks as a creeping sense of embarrassment crawled up her spine.
Until James finished laughing-almost-crying and sighed, saying, “God, I missed you.”
Lily stared at him. James stared back, a small smile on his face, before he wiped his hands over his eyes. Lily continued to stare.
Somewhere around thirty seconds passed before Lily replied, “I missed you, too. You don’t know how nice it is to see you.”
“I probably have some kind of idea.” James glanced to his right. A moment of silence passed. “So, what did you think of the show?”
Lily leaned forward. “Oh my god, it was amazing. I loved it.”
“Oh, yeah? What was your favorite part?” James leaned forward, matching Lily’s energy.
“Had to be the moment when Sirius almost tripped on that wire. Ooo, or maybe in the third song when Remus was really shining on his bass.”
“Haha, yeah, that was funny. At that moment, I was scared he’d fall on me and take me down with him. And yeah, Remus was phenomenal today. Everyone was.”
“Yeah,” Lily sighed, nodding in agreement. The conversation fell into a peaceful lull, with the only sound coming from the gentle air conditioning in the vents.
Lily thought about this interaction. She had wanted to talk with James but now she was here and shied away from her desired topics. The more she thought about it, the more Lily felt like exploding. She wished she could just bring it up.
”Lily,” James started and Lily looked up sharply. “What was your favorite song?”
Lily didn’t even have to think about it. “The last one.”
She wanted to look away from him but made herself hold eye contact. She could do this. Maybe.
James stared into her eyes in a very concentrated manner. It felt like he was trying to read the fine print on her soul, like he was trying to understand her in a way never understood before. His facial expression was warmly neutral, but there was something, some kind of emotion, in his hazel eyes.
Lily opened her mouth, searching for the right words to say. She closed her mouth when nothing came out. God, how should she say this? How blunt should she be? Should she say exactly how she felt, right down to the smallest details? What if he doesn't feel the same? How could she salvage that situation? What if she just suggested being friends, to start being around each other again?
“I meant it. The song, the lyrics. And I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I miss you and not even just when we dated. I miss you, as an important person in my life.” James blurted, breaking the silence. He looked at Lily in a hopeful way, leaning forward, but his hands were clasped nervously.
Lily smiled as she took in what he said and she stumbled over her words in her excitement. “James, you have no idea - I’m - I was trying to figure out a way to say exactly that this entire time.”
“Oh,” James breathed, a smile creeping up his face.
Lily stood up and stepped up to James’ armchair. She held out her hand to him and when he took it, she pulled him to his feet.
She smiled up at him and asked, “Can I hug you?”
“Please,” He replied, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her in. Lily smiled into James’ chest. She could hear his heartbeat going as fast as hers.
It sounded like the start of something new.