Chapter Text
When Jayce asked me to meet him for lunch, I thought it was a date. That idea is painfully funny now.
I walked into the HexTech lab this morning expecting to spend some time with my boyfriends before heading to my own lab to continue my disease research, like I do every morning. I noticed Jayce’s grimace when I hugged Viktor first–of course I did. Jayce isn’t half as subtle as he thinks he is.
Viktor and I shared a side glance and I smiled, rolling my eyes at Jayce’s antics as I walked across the room and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“Good morning, Man of Progress.” I teased. “How did you sleep?”
“I- Uh. Good.” Jayce stuttered before schooling his voice into a very stiff, professional tone. “Thank you.” I glanced at Viktor again and he just shrugged. He didn’t know what’s up with our boy either.
“Okay,” I drawled, letting go of Jayce. “Well, I’ll see you two for lunch. I guess.” Leaving a quick kiss on Viktor’s forehead, I moved to leave the lab. I was half-way down the hall when I heard Jayce call me back.
“Come home with me for lunch?” Usually that offer is made with lustful bedroom eyes and a pout that could seduce the gods. Today, Jayce just seemed… withdrawn.
“Sure.” I was worried about Jayce–which is half of the reason I agreed, even though I found it incredibly rude of him to leave Viktor out of our little lunch date. I had planned to take Viktor to dinner tonight, just the two of us, to make up for it.
I guess that isn’t happening anymore.
When I met Jayce at the front doors of the Lab building, he seemed jumpy. I tried to calm him down, smoothing his jacket’s lapels before pulling him forward to try to kiss his cheek. He had pulled away, grumbling something like “Not in public!” and took off toward his apartment–leaving me to trail behind him confused.
The walk to his place wasn’t long, but it was awkward–which only made me more worried. Being with Jayce hadn’t been awkward in a long time. Something was obviously wrong. I just needed him to tell me what.
But when he slammed his door closed behind us and whirled to face me, hurling accusations of my being petty and jealous, that worry melted into a mix of fear and pain.
“What do you mean ‘petty’? Jayce… What did I do?” I try to keep the hurt out of my voice, off my face, so we can have a genuine conversation rather than a fight.
“Oh!” Jayce scoffs, like he’s offended that I’m even hurt by his accusation. “Like you don’t know!”
“No, Jayce. I really don’t.” I hesitated, wanting more than anything to reach out to him–but feeling unsure, unwelcome–before continuing. “…Are you okay? You’ve been off all morning.”
“No, Y/N.” He practically spits the words at me, his tone laced with venom. “I’m not okay.”
“Talk to me, Jayce. Please.”
I don’t know what’s going on–I don’t know why he’s so mad at me–but I try to stay calm. Both of us being angry will turn this conversation into a screaming match in no time.
“This is over.” He spits ,gesturing between the two of us before finally turning away from me. My control over my emotions slips as the room spins slightly.
“What?” My voice sounds thick in my own ears, like I’m listening to it from another room.
“We’re done. I’m- I’m sick of tip-toing around. Of trying to keep this from Viktor. Of you constantly being intimate in front of Viktor! It's like you’re trying to hurt him.” Jayce gets angrier with every accusation–painting a picture I can almost recognize.
Does… Does Jayce think he’s having an affair with me? Without Viktor’s knowledge or consent?
“Jayce, I don’t understand.” I don’t want to be right. Gods, please, I don’t want to be right. “Why… Why are you hiding me from Viktor? I would never do anything to hurt him.”
“Never do anything to hurt him?” Jayce’s laugh is low and dangerous–and I am hit with two horrible, disconcerting feelings. Fear of Jayce, of all people–fear that he may want to hurt me in this unfamiliar anger–and despair at the realization that I may never feel truly safe around him again. I have seen this Jayce before–angry and dangerous–but never directed at Viktor or myself. Until now. “How do you think it must feel for him? To see his boyfriend parade their friend around his work place, being inappropriately intimate?”
Clarity hits me like a freight train.
“What do you think our relationship is?” I ask, my voice suddenly steady, as all control over my emotions slips away, leaving a frightening numbness. I know the answer to my question before Jayce speaks.
“This affair has to stop.” I can tell Jayce is somewhat surprised at my change in demeanor, even if the anger doesn’t leave his voice. I don’t feel anything.
“So you thought that Viktor didn’t know.” It’s a statement, not a question.
“I-” Jayce seems shocked–devastated even–at the idea that his boyfriend already knew about his indiscretions. But I’m not done.
“You thought that I was just a side… Fling.” The word burns as I spit it out. “Someone you were seeing outside of your relationship with him.” A familiar emotion spills through the cracks in my numb mask.
Anger.
“You thought I was okay with being a home-wrecker.” Absently, I’m somewhat surprised at the way my voice rises steadily with each new wave of anger.
“I suppose, then, that you didn’t notice that Viktor and I have also been in a relationship.” I’m suddenly aware that my hands are shaking. I try to take a breath. They don’t stop shaking. I can’t look at Jayce anymore–looking at him makes it hard to breathe.
“What?” The devastation in Jayce’s voice gives way to fresh shock.
“Viktor and I were of the shared belief that the three of us were a single unit.” I’m almost shouting at Jayce, but I can feel myself retreating further into my mind. The Jayce in front of me feels like a dream–intangible, unreal.
Gods, I realize, This still counts as an affair. Jayce intentionally pursued me, thinking that he was hurting Viktor. Does that make me complicit in Jayce cheating? How do I tell Viktor?
I shake my head, trying to come back to the present. “I’ve been going on dates with Viktor for months .”
“Y/N, I…” Jayce seems sheepish now–like he wants to believe me, but thinks this is all too good to be true. But we’re too far into this–I’m too far gone in my anger–for me to stop this conversation from becoming a fight.
“I don’t know what hurts more.” My voice is quiet, but rough as the hurt finally slips back in under the anger. I won’t let myself look at Jayce. I can’t make myself trust him with that emotion again.
“That you only ever saw me as a fling ” I can practically feel Jayce flinch as I speak. “Or that your opinion is so low of me that you think I’d ever be okay with hurting someone like that. Of hurting Vitya like that.” There are sobs starting to build in my throat, but I force them down.
“What did you think I was doing every time I came to see you and Viktor?” I gasp. I can’t breathe. How will Viktor ever forgive me? “Rubbing it in?!”
“What? No! No, Y/N.” Jayce moves toward me cautiously, like he’s trying to comfort a wounded animal. “I- I know you’re not cruel. I just...” His hand lands on my shoulder, and I jerk like I've been burned .
“Apparently you don’t.” I rip my arm away from him, pressing myself into the corner of the kitchen hyperventilating.
“Because you thought I’d help you cheat one of my closest friends!” I’m shouting. I can feel it ripping at my vocal chords, but I feel like I can’t hear. The room won’t stop spinning.
I think I’m going to be sick.
Heaving a breath, I try again–speaking softly. “You thought I’d be okay with breaking Viktor’s heart.”
“Y/N-” Jayce starts, but thankfully doesn’t try to get any closer to me. “Y/N, I just need you to take a breath. Breathe, please.” He begs. I ignore him.
“I love him.” I whisper. “I- I love Viktor. I thought you knew that .” I wrap my arms around my stomach. I need to leave. I need to leave so I can breathe and figure out how to keep Viktor from hating me.
I finally force myself to meet Jayce’s gaze. “I loved you. But I guess it was foolish of me to think I could really have you both.” I push away from the counter and Jayce moves to give me space. He looks dumb-struck.
“Loved?” Jayce’s voice is barely a whisper. We haven’t used that word with each other yet. I hate how right it feels. I hate this situation. I hate him for putting me in it. I hate myself for loving him anyway. I push past Jayce to fumble with the door.
“You need to tell Viktor what you’ve- What we’ve done.” I gasp against the wood grain of his apartment door. I can’t be here any more. Out. Please, gods, get me out.
“You… loved me?” Jayce is standing in the same spot looking greener by the second. Good. Let him feel guilty and nauseous for what he’s done.
I pull open the door and don’t look back. “Tell Vik, Jayce.” I can’t choke back the sobs any longer, and my voice shakes as I whisper, “I don’t want to- I can’t see you until he knows.”
That pulls Jayce out of his stupor, and he rushes after me begging. “Y/N, Please… Please don’t do this.”
“Goodbye, Jayce.” I whisper. And then I flee.
I find myself back at the Academy gates without even really thinking. All I know is I don’t want to lose Viktor. It already feels like I’ve lost too much today.
I was supposed to tell Viktor and Jayce about my research today.
I’m almost done. The disease I’ve spent six years trying to tame is almost within reach. I just need to test my treatment plan, and the drug I’ve synthesized, in the environmental conditions they were designed to work in. I already have my research trial approved. I have to travel to Zuan to complete it. I… I was supposed to ask them to wait for me today.
How did things go so wrong?
I wander into the Lab building, set on seeing Viktor. I just… I need to see him. Then I’ll make a plan for everything else.
I’m always careful to knock loudly on the lab door before I come in. The one time I didn’t I startled Viktor out of his chair. I wonder if he ever noticed that it never happened again. I’m so gone for him.
“Y/N?” Viktor’s voice is gentle but confused. I’m sure he can see the wreck of emotions on my face, but he doesn’t press. Gods, I love that he knows not to press right now. “To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you back from lunch so early?”
I’m sure I seem overeager as I cross the room in long strides, but I don’t care. I need to kiss him. I need to kiss like I need to breathe.
Viktor smiles at me as I move, sweet and knowing and hungry. He wants this just as badly as I do.
I slide into place between his knees and wrap my arms around his neck. “You know that I love you?”
“Yes,” he whispers, reading my eyes like they contain the secrets of the universe.
I press my forehead against his, brushing my lips over his.
“Good.”
And then I’m drowning in him.
No, drowning isn’t the right word.
Kissing him, I feel like I can breathe again.
Viktor is all that exists. Everything else just fades away.
It feels almost wrong that we both are gasping when we finally come up for air. I feel like I can breathe for the first time since Jayce slammed his apartment door.
And then reality slams back into me. Everything I know, everything I was running from crashes into me–stealing the breath from my lungs. I tense in Viktor’s arms, and pull back resting my forehead against his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” Viktor’s hands card gently through my hair as he talks, his voice smooth and clearly concerned. I don’t want to have to tell him this .
“I-” I whimper into his shoulder, trying not to cry. “I just need you to know that I love you. I love you so much.” My fists pull tighter at his vest. I know I should let go–that I’m going to wrinkle his shirt badly–but the feeling is a life line I desperately cling to.
He pulls me back so that I’m standing in front of him again. “You’re starting to scare me, love. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Everything.” And, gods, does the little laugh that escapes my lips on that sound so broken .
Viktor gives me another smile–the one he usually reserves for Jayce when the man is being a drama queen–and whispers, “Everything?”
Gods, he’s beautiful.
“Uh-huh.” I hear myself sniffle. I feel like a stupid kid getting their heart broken when they should have seen the signs. “I was so, so wrong about so many things, Vitya. I… This is one of the only things that I know that I’m right about. I love you.”
His smile falls, and I find myself talking to the Viktor who co-founded HexTech–who can solve any problem he encounters. He just doesn’t know that right now, that problem is me.
“Can you tell me what you were wrong about?” His voice is serious. I only hesitate for a moment before I decide to answer honestly. I never could lie to Viktor. He can read me like a book.
“Jayce.” I can see the shock on Viktor’s face as he compares that answer to the anguish he’s seen on my face, and comes to his own conclusion about what must have happened.
The look on his face is as dark, as dangerous as I’ve ever seen it.
“What has that foolish man done?” Viktor’s tone reminds me of Jayce’s earlier today. Protective. Angry. Violent.
“I- I can’t V.” As angry–as hurt–as I was, I don’t want Viktor to be mad right now. And he will be when he finds out. I guess that makes me a coward. “You can think I’m a coward for the rest of my life. But I can’t tell you.”
“If he has you keeping secrets for him, Y/N…” Viktor’s hand cups my cheek as he looks into my eyes and my knees feel weak. “Whatever it is, I promise it is not worth it.”
I don’t know what to do. The idea of confessing my sins, even accidental sins, to the man they’ll hurt the most, makes me nauseous. I just want to feel normal. I want to know what to do.
I wish love followed lab procedures.
The thought is ridiculous, but it sparks a different realization. It’s time to leave Piltover for a while.
I don’t want to go. But I can’t see Jayce. And I don’t know if Viktor will want to see me when he finds everything else out. Zaun–finishing my research–is something that I know how to handle, something certain, something with clear procedures.
I sigh into Viktor’s palm. “I have to go.”
“Go?” His brow furrows in that familiar way and my resolve nearly crumbles. “Go where?”
“My research has finally come to a head…” I breathe, letting myself feel proud for just a moment. “I need to be in the field to test my work. And I need space. I need structure.” Viktor–beautiful, understanding Viktor–just nods.
The pause that follows is a far cry from the awkward silence earlier with Jayce. With Viktor the silence is still comfortable–it still feels like home.
I think of how hurt Viktor will be when he realizes what Jayce intended to do. I imagine Viktor’s face when he assumes I was complicit in hurting him and a dam inside me breaks.
“I… Gods , Vitya, I’m so sorry, and if I had known I would have never .” I’m blubbering–begging him to forgive me, but too scared to tell him what I’ve done that needs to be forgiven. “You have to believe me, I would never, ever hurt you like that.”
I feel Viktor tense as pulls away from me–like I’ve burned him. His rebuke… It’s just a taste of the agony to come.
“Y/N, you’re…” His tone is suspicious, guarded. “What have you done?”
Tears start to pool in my eyes, making it hard to see.
“I’m sorry.” The whisper echoes in the silent lab. “Jayce will explain. Make him explain. But I- I have to go.” I untangle myself from Viktor while I talk, backing toward the lab door.
“No!” Viktor lunges for his crutch, presumably to try and stop me from leaving in tears without explaining. “Y/N, please- Please just talk to me.”
I keep inching toward the door, hating myself each moment for not going back to his side. For making him beg in the first place.
“I have to go.” The door is right behind me, but I can’t leave without telling him one last time, “I love you. I have to go, Vitya–I have to.” I gasp, choking back sobs for the second time today.
I pause in the door, turn back to give him a sad smile.
“But I promise you, I’m coming back. I will always come home to you.”
I make it as far as the stairs to my lab before I can no longer hold back the sobs.
Once they start, the tears don’t stop. They fall, carving lines across my cheek, as I pack up the necessary components of my lab and my research notes.
They fall as I walk to Professor Hiemerdinger’s office and request to move my research trip forward. As I beg him to keep my apartment and lab space reserved for my return within the year.
They fall as I sneak out of the lab building, like a coward. As I choose to take the furthest route from their lab as I can to spare myself the pain.
The tears are still falling as I make my way across the bridge into the undercity.