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It was a slow day in the Justice League tower. The meeting was over unusually early and nobody had anywhere to be until three so they were all just sitting around talking about nonsense. Bruce got a phone call, stepping out to take it. It was just Alfred giving him an update on what Dick was doing, he had acquired a fever and kept asking for Bruce. Bruce promised to come home once everyone else started to leave so he was sure they wouldn’t blow the place up.
When he came back into the meeting room, the League members were playing fuck/marry/kill with Tom Hanks, Brad Pitt and… Bruce Wayne. Instead of intervening, Bruce decided to sit back and listen to what the other League members had to say about this particular topic.
Aquaman went first: “I’d like to preface by saying that I am in no way attracted to men, however, I am able to identify and appreciate attractive men, and those men just don’t include Brad Pitt, I know, I’m sorry, I think I’d have to kill him. I’d marry Tom Hanks because everybody wants to marry Tom Hanks. I’d fuck Bruce Wayne because he has a history of being good in bed. A very long history at that. I’d go long and slow, make it sensual you know?”
Then it was Green Lantern: “Okay, well, I’d kill Brad Pitt because he’s just… lame. What does he even do? Tom Hanks is in all the major movies, Brad Pitt is in like two of them. Kill Brad Pitt, Fuck Tom Hanks, and marry Bruce Wayne. I want to be his sugar baby.”
Next was Martian Manhunter: “As a Martian, intercourse is a bit different for me, it is purely for mating so I suppose I would have intercourse with Bruce Wayne since he’s the only mildly attractive one, marry Brad Pitt because he’s also rich, and kill Tom Hanks.”
Wonder Woman passed because she already knew Batmna was Bruce Wayne and apparently didn’t want to get on his bad side. Black Canary, Hawkgirl, and Zatanna passed because they thought the whole thing was stupid. This means only boys were playing, leaving Green Arrow, Flash, Superman, and Batman. Batman was being purposefully quiet, hoping they would choose him last, if at all.
Superman went next: “Easy, kill Brad Pitt, fuck Tom Hanks, marry Bruce Wayne.”
“Come on Supes, you gotta give us more than that,” Flash urged.
Superman rolled his eyes but complied. “I’d kill Brad Pitt because he’s Brad Pitt. I’d fuck Tom Hanks becuase he’d probably be good once but I’d get sick of him. I’d marry Bruce Wayne because I can be his sugar baby and fuck him however and whenever I wanted. I’d fuck him fast and hard, ride him slow and soft. Make sure I can hear every little sound he can make until neither of us can get out of bed for a week. And that wouldn’t be an issue because we’d be married and live together. We could go get couples massages or something after.”
Barry, a little shocked, mouth hanging open slightly, went next: “I don’t know how to follow that up, okay, kill Brad Pitt because he’s kinda lame to be honest, marry Tom Hanks because I want to flex that I’m married to one of the best actors ever, and fuck Bruce Wayne, I agree he’d be fun to fuck but I don’t think the whole never leaves the house lives in a big, dark manor thing is really my style. Though maybe it would be since my mom was murdered too. Nah, he’d be a good fuck but he’s too anti-social to get married.”
Finally, it was Green Arrow’s turn: “well I’ve mentioned this quite a lot and it was all over gossip magazines for a while and all of you already know that I’m Oliver Queen since my identity got leaked, but Brucie and I used to hook up, I’d marry him so I could continue that because I do miss it, he’s really good in bed. I don’t really need the money but we could combine our businesses and make double the profits. I’d fuck Tom Hanks becuade why not and kill Brad Pitt since that seems to be a common theme.”
Flash spoke next: “your turn Batman. Would you want to fuck Brucie soft and slow like Aquaman or fast and hard like Supes, marry him for the money, or would you be willing to break your code and kill him?” Batman glared at him, making him cower a little bit. “If-if you want to, no pressure or anything if you don’t want to though.”
Batman, deciding there was no better time than now to reveal his identity, humored them: “Well, since you asked so nicely Flash, I would fuck Brad Pitt, marry Tom Hanks, and commit suicide.”
It was silent for a second before Wonder Woman chuckled softly, she coughed before saying, “sorry, sorry.”
Flash spoke next: “what’s so funny? I don’t get it?”
“God I work with a bunch of idiots,” Bruce said before taking off the cowl, Wonder Woman started laughing fully now, the other girls who didn’t play joined her. The boys looked mortified, particularly Green Arrow and Superman. “This seems like the best chance I’m ever going to get to reveal my identity, huh?” Bruce said, his voice low and almost threatening, but there was a hint of jokingness to his tone. “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” Bruce said, pulling back on the cowl. “My son is sick and needs my attention, I’ll see you idiots next month.” He stood up and walked out, the meeting room erupted into talking, everyone trying to figure out how they never put two-and-two together and how most of them had just described in detail how they’d want to sleep with their boss.