Chapter Text
When I told the elderly lady I will gladly help her granddaughter, I really wasn’t planning on getting myself killed by a pack of aggressive wolves. But here we are.
It’s been days since I came back from Dundull, and I still can’t believe it all happened.
I mean... I am the eldest then-talented now-burnout queer daughter, of course I am a people pleaser too! Who else would be running across the whole Jorvik helping others for no reason? It simply never occurred to me that I would come THAT far. Just because a pretty girl asks me nicely to save some forest doggos that could definitely tear our bodies apart.
Haha, pretty girls. I can’t really escape them, can I? One of many reasons I moved to Jorvik was to forget her , but when I finally got rid of my feelings, someone new showed up. How pathetic can I get, oh my Aideen? I was doing so well and so numb, not being emotionally affected about anything around me. No more guilt, no more shame, no more feeling like a useless crap, just good old numbness. That was the plan, that was the reason for coming to Jorvik - to overload myself with others' problems and not think about my own stuff.
But this girl... Oh Fripp, meeting her felt like removing a lid on a Genie’s bottle. Suddenly everything was coming out. I felt so alive! For a long time I thought it was simply because of the wolves, you know; when should you feel more alive than right before your own possible death? But no, this feeling lingered and stayed with me, stroked my face whenever I gazed upon her. At first she looked so helpless, a blind girl in the middle of a dark forest... But the more time I spent with her, the more I felt like I was the helpless one.
And then it happened. I don’t know what was coming over me, at that moment I completely lost my common sense and went with her straight to the wolf cave, not a single brain cell in my head stopping me. What was I thinking?! Was I even thinking at all? We made it out safe and sound and everything ended up well, we even cured the wolves and helped people in the area. But that’s only because we were lucky. It could have turned out very differently.
The worst part is that I’m craving it more and more. I would happily do it all over again, just to be back in her presence, just to feel her hugging my waist while sitting behind me on Darkforce.
Whoah, that sounds so cheesy, I’m gonna throw up.
Darkforce maybe knew. Once we were safe again, she gave me a very cheeky smirk. Then she twitched her hind leg a bit, so Rania would hold on to me even tighter. I’m not sure how intelligent this horse is, but oh my Aideen, sometimes it scares me.
In fact, this whole thing scares me so much. What am I doing, risking my life for a cute girl? I’m such an useless sapphic, even my horse is making fun of me.
I thought reaching to another gay disaster would help me, so I told Alex absolutely everything. Now not only is my horse laughing at me, but also my friend.
“You should be happy to having crush on a girl! Girls are less likely to infodump about Warhammer 40k lore. Imagine havin' a lovely family dinner and bam! Someone brings up how the cult of Adeptus Mechanicus forbids computing technology and uses lobotomized people as human calculators instead!”
I had no idea what she was talking about, and I didn’t even want to know. “Who the hell tells you about this stuff?”
“My brother James! He can’t shut up about Warhammer!”
“Wow, I didn’t know your brother is such a nerd.”
“Why do you think he tries to scam people so much? So he can buy more miniatures! What a jerk.”
And that was all I got from Alex. She then proceeded to say something about me being naturally adventurous and brave, and Rania simply made it more visible to me. And of course my dear friend didn’t forget to give me some dating advice, to which I refused to listen. Why would I? I don’t want to date Rania. In fact I don’t want to feel any of this. I just want to get rid of it while it’s still fresh. I simply can’t stand my emotions getting out of control. I can’t stand myself getting out of control. Because what I did back there for Rania wasn’t brave, it was straight up stupid. And there are already more than enough stupid people in Jorvik, I can’t be the next one. Not to mention I’ve been in this situation before, and the consequences literally led me here on this island. I can’t let it happen again. This time I have nowhere else to run.
I need to get back. Be coldly rational again, without any emotions clouding my mind. Bury everything else, bury it somewhere deep. Bury Rania somewhere deep.
One thing I knew for sure - I won’t be coming back to Dundull any time soon.