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Amirr’s trail faltered, stopping abruptly behind the dining hall. He didn't know how he ended up here, the only thing he did know is that he wanted to get away from Naim.
As far as he could possibly reach. And as fate deems it, this place was it. The end of the line.
He was here before, watching Naim enjoy himself with another.
Amirr’s heart pounded, it felt too loud. Amirr could hear every beat like it was on a radio blast. It couldn't be slowed no matter how hard he tried to compose himself. “Fuck.” Amirr grimaced, eyes leaking tears.
Breathing felt torturous. Like he was trying to do something he had no knowledge of. Every breath teased his throat, restricting instead of inviting his much needed air. A phantom choke.
Amirr tapped his chest perpetually, as if he really was choking, brimming the verge of death.
Don’t die like this.
Not when he and Naim were at their lowest point. He needed to see Naim come back running, begging for forgiveness. While tonight might be too soon, Amirr hopes he does come when he's in his right mind.
Yes, Naim is not in his right mind. That’s why he blew so low. That’s perfectly reasonable.
Amirr snickered, he wouldn't have done that. If the roles were reversed, if Amirr stood where he did, with his bad influence girlfriend leaving and every bit of his life crumpling, he still wouldn't have done that.
He wouldn't have brought up something so horrific to prove a point. Amirr wouldn't have invalidated Naim’s trauma as inconsequential, and was it so bad he thought Naim would do the same?
Did the universe really have to prove him that wrong?
Amirr trusted him. Intrusted Naim with a secret so foul and so incredibly fucked up only for this. Only for Naim to scrub salt in the very root of his wound, a wound yet to cure.
That’s not fair. That’s not fair at all.
Amirr was nothing but accepting of the little bits he did know about Naim’s life. His dysfunctional family, Fakhri, the facade he puts up, Amirr welcomed it all.
It was only a reminder, Amirr had warned him for the start. Mia was bad news, Amirr knew it when he saw her. And he saw how she rubbed off on Naim.
He began distancing himself, occupying time for Mia instead of his long time best friend.
Who knew what would have happened if Naim wasn't there that night? If he truly did rush to meet Mia, Danial wouldn't have received justice in the way he did, his closure would have been leaving KUDRAT while Ariz roamed free.
Naim longed for justice, therefore it felt natural to vent. Because this was Naim. The person who ensured that brute predator would never harm Danial ever again.
Even though he knew he wouldnt received closure, that the things Adly did would forever linger as he lives on free, he trusted Naim with that secret. Confessing it all felt easy, like a weight lifted off his shoulders.
But Naim could lift them for so long before dropping them back. Amirr expected too much from such a flawed being.
Amirr’s hands reached up to cradle his face, muffling his stressed out screams. Naim was truly so shitty. So very shitty.
“Hey, Kau apasal?”
Amirr halts, peering through his fingers.
Mia.
She looked just as wrecked as he felt. It was clear in her expression—the same scrunched face she made when students were especially nitpicky, only now it was worse. Her eyes were red and puffy, like she’d been crying.
Yet, amidst her exhaustion, there was another emotion.
Curiosity. She regarded him like a puzzle to be solved, as though he were a new element on the periodic table.
“Kau ni... kawan Naim?” she asked again, taking a tentative step forward. Amirr stayed rooted to the spot, though every fiber of his being urged him to run.
“Jangan lari,” Mia pleaded, as though she could read his mind. “I need to talk to you.”
Amirr raised an eyebrow, unconsciously straightening his posture.
“Pasal apa?” he asked, feigning his usual nonchalance. It was pointless—Mia had surely seen his meltdown earlier.
She hesitated. “Duduk la dulu.”
Amirr didn’t know why he complied.
————————————————————————
“Kau pun gaduh dengan dia jugak?” Mia asked, tone surprisingly hollow. As if the question was a mere automation, and not born from genuine curiosity.
Amirr tsk-ed, “Bukan la gaduh.” he starts, deflated. “Cuma.. dia terlepas kata.”
“Pasal?”
Amirr shifted a glance to his side, to where Mia sat crisscrossed. She stared at him, waiting for an answer. The anger that bubbled in his throat vanished, replaced with genuine confusion.
This is not what he expected.
He hesitated, “Naim ada bagitau kau pasal Ariz?” Amirr asked instead, countering. Mia grimaced, “Ada.” she answers. “Kenapa?”
“Pasal apa je?”
“Pasal dia jumpa korang bergaduh depan komuniti stor dan ternampak budak tu nangis. Dia time tu dia terus boleh piece apa jadi.”
“Lepas-lepas tu, dorang manifesto. Naim menang, katanya teruk si mamat tu kena.”
“Tapi sayang la, Naim buat macam tu last-last budak tu bla je.”
“Dia tak boleh cope dengan trauma dia kat sini.” Amirr chisels, tone firm yet eyes blandly vacant. “Danial tak boleh handle perhatian dia dapat sebab publicity tu.”
Mia halts, understanding. “Tapi.. apa kaitan semua ni dengan soalan aku?”
Amirr laughs, dry and humourless. “Aku faham situasi Danial tu macam mana, trust me when I say I really do get him.”
He turns back to Mia, staring now. For a moment, it felt as if his story was passed on by mere eye contact. “Mia, I was groomed.”
Mia’s eyes widened, immediately fixing her posture. “And kau tak terfikir nak report?” she asked, though the tone suggested she already knew the answer. That's not what they do.
“Pointless je report, dia da lama bla.”
Mia’s eyes turned sympathetic, “You deserve justice and closure too.”
Amirr’s facade faltered. Mia said exactly what he wanted to hear all these years, what he had expected to come out of Naim’s mouth instead came from hers.
“Naim invalidated trauma aku.” Amirr confessed, without much of a second thought. He was planning to evenly sugarcoat it at first.
Made it seem like he wasn't trying so hard to play victim but it just slipped out, so smoothly. He was surprised.
“Dia tak layak kata macam tu, sial.”
“Apa la masalah dia, just because dia ada masalah tak bermaksud orang lain kena jatuh sekali!”
Amirr knew it meant more to herself, but in that moment, he felt flattered. Understood. Like Mia was relating both their experiences with Naim.
“Amirr, dia kata macam mana?”
Amirr blinked, before the realisation dawned on him. He sighed.
“Dia kata 'baru kena tuntuk dua tiga kali da jadi gay’.. macam aku obses dengan dia sangat. Padahal, kitaorang best friend kot. Aku cuma nak look out untuk dia."
Mia bit her lip, “So kau suka dia ke tak?”
Amirr huffed. “Maybe. Maybe aku memang kena sikit da jadi gay, like he said.”
“Amirr, tu bukan maksud aku.” Mia retorted, “Aku tak ada niat da invalidate trauma kau macam dia.”
“Aku cuma nak tahu, kau suka dia ke tak?”
“Memang aku suka dia, semenjak dia selamat kan aku dari..” Amirr trails, eyes looking away in an almost shy manner. “Dari bunuh diri.”
“Amirr..” Mia mumbles, voice frail and sympathetic.
“Aku penat la, Mia.” he finally confessed.
“Sepanjang form 2, aku hidup dalam ketakutan. Aku takut apa dia nak buat kat aku, aku takut nak report, aku takut dengan semua lelaki yang tengok aku pelik.”
“At some point, aku jadi murung. Hidupan rasa langsung tak berbaloi. Aku fikir nak bla, tapi aku kesian kan Ibu aku. “
“Lepas itu aku belajar macam mana nak buat noose yang stabil, yang kuat untuk..”
They both shared a grimace, knowing just what Amirr wanted to say. Mia huffed, “Lepas itu..?”
“Naim jumpa aku. Dia halang aku and campak noose tu ke mana entah. Dia kata, ‘Jangan.’ tapi aku tak nak dengar. Time tu kitaorang mere roommates je.”
“Oh, awal tahun pun aku ada apply jadi pengawas tapi sebab cikgu tak panggil semula, aku ingat tak dapat..”
“—Naim bagitau yang kitaorang dapat jadi, dua je dalam batch. Time tu baru aku rasa, ada kot function hidup.”
Amirr yelps, every part of him shocked when Mia reached him for an embrace. “Mia?” he stammered, uncertain. “Kau kena macam tu pun, Naim boleh pulak menambah.”
Oh.
“Teruk gila sial, macam mana kau bertahan.”
How did he hold on?
Despite that, Amirr chuckled. “Sebab aku kuat la. Strong boy.” he says, calloused. Mia’s laughter rumbled at his shoulder. “Memang.” she says, finally letting go.
It was merely seconds, yet Amirr already missed her hug. Hypocrite he was. He might actually enjoy her company now, an unsettling conclusion.
“Naim kata kau da pergi tapi kenapa..”
“Memang nak pergi, tapi tetiba terdengar seorang lelaki menangis kat belakang dewan makan.” Mia answers, not waiting for the question. Amirr flushed. Mia etched a smirk, “Tapi tak apa la,”
“—dia nak aku pergi, aku pergi je.”
Amirr immediately snatched her arm, before letting go. “Sorry.” he mumbled, barely audible. “Jangan pergi lagi.”
Mia blinked, surprised. Frankly, Amirr was surprised with himself too. This was unlike him. The only person who could possibly see him in desperation was elsewhere. Probably caught in another sibling rivalry.
“Stay for the night?"