Work Text:
Kunikida is walking back to the agency dorms while the sun is setting on the horizon with the groceries he has just bought in hand. It’s quite peaceful, as his walks usually are. Or at least, it was peaceful .
As he walks down the street, he gets closer to a car that is rocking . It appears they couldn’t wait until they got home. He isn’t trying to be nosy but his eyes get drawn to the shine of the buckle of a collar on one of their necks. Is that Nakahara? Kunikida realizes it is, and he would normally just mind his business, but he sees a certain waste of bandages on top of the executive.
Dazai is on top of an executive of the port mafia.
He sets his groceries down and pounds on the window with his palm.
“Dazai! What are you doing?! Sleeping with an executive ?!” Kunikida yells when both of the people inside the car sit up.
To Kunikida’s utter horror, Dazai’s neck bandages are loose and there are bruises forming on his neck from this night’s previous activities. The executive clears his throat as Dazai climbs off of him, buttoning up his shirt as Nakahara fixes his neck bandages for him. Dazai opens the door and stumbles out, a stupid look on his face.
“Kunikida, you’re not my mom!” Dazai says, his whiny tone matches the pout on his face. Kunikida puts his hand on his hips as he starts droning on and on about how he can’t run around with anyone from the port mafia, let alone an executive. Or Dazai assumes that’s what he’s been yelling to him about for the past thirty seconds. He stopped paying attention right around the time he heard Chuuya giggling in the car. Like this was funny.
He flashes Chuuya a pouty face as Kunikida continues, saying something about Dazai sleeping around. Dazai gasps in mockery.
“Kunikida I am a married man, I’ve been in love for seven whole years! I can’t believe you would accuse me of sleeping around.” Dazai beams at the shocked look on his work partner’s face when he flashes Kunikida the ring tied around his neck.
When the expression of realization on Kunikida’s face turns more into a murderous glare, Dazai adds, “Sorry you had to meet my dog this way.”
They hear a muffled Hey! from inside the car, and apparently Chuuya feels the need to correct Dazai’s error because he gets out of the car. His hair is sticking out a little in the back and his shirt is rumpled.
“I am not shitty Dazai’s damn dog!” The executive exclaims. Kunikida cannot believe his eyes as Dazai’s hand lands on Chuuya Nakahara’s waist.
Kunikida clears his throat before speaking what’s on his mind.
“You two are… married?! ”
“Yes.” The couple in question responds in unison.
“And how long have you two been married?”
“Four years!” Dazai says in his upbeat voice.
Kunikida groans and cradles his head in his hands. He might just kill this waste of bandages one day.
***
Kunikida is filing some reports at his desk when Dazai (who was late as always) slips into the office.
“Late night sleeping with your MAFIA EXECUTIVE HUSBAND?????” Kunikida announces to the agency.
Dazai sighs in his office chair.
“Yes, Kunikida. Chuuya and I had lots of fun last night but I don’t think you want to hear all the gory details.” Dazai beams, resting his cheek in his palm.
Bewildered faces can be seen all around the office at the two detective’s antics. Except Ranpo’s of course. And Yosano’s looks more like a grimace. The doctor is the first person to break the shocked silence that had fallen upon the room.
“I owe Ranpo so much money...” She grumbles.
“I don’t know why you still make bets with him if he has a basically guaranteed win each time.” Dazai counters.
“That’s a good point.” She says as she pulls out a wad of bills and puts it on Ranpo’s desk.
“You’re really married to an executive , Dazai-san?” Atsushi speaks up next.
“Yup!” Dazai replies, with his usual grin.
“Wow! I thought Kunikida-san would’ve gotten married before you.” That turns Dazai’s grin into a bitter scowl.
“Well, I’ll have you know that I have been married for four whole years!” Dazai announces as he slams his hands down on his desk and stands up. His grumpy attitude continues during his march to the agency couch.
Atsushi wonders how Kunikida could’ve even found out about Dazai’s marriage, but he definitely suspects it was nothing short of traumatizing. Poor Kunikida.