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You don’t know when was the last time you remembered you had been clean. For as long as you can remember, everytime minor inconveniences happen, you resort to nothing but a simple swing with the sharp edges of the knife until you feel the sting drown into your body. “It will hurt”, they say, which was obvious enough–but that’s what you craved. There wasn’t much you could do, and even talking it out wasn’t enough to get you out of it. Everybody has something they’re going through, so why bother?
Between you and the knife, that was the only sort of “comfort” you could even feel–aside from Sylus wrapping his arms around you, softly whispering his usual teaseful words close to your ear. But those moments don’t last forever when both of you are so busy with your own jobs and responsibilities. You know so well that in order to make a relationship work out, they should trust each other and talk with each other through their ups and downs, no matter how small and big it is.
But communication was one thing you couldn’t bring into the relationship when it comes to your problems. You didn’t want to add another layer of stress and worry over him when his job was already enough to add that, which was ironic since he seems to be more laid back if anything. However, that wasn’t the only reason why you couldn’t bring the courage to reach out to him. It was also because of years of ignorance and being pushed aside resulted in this.
No one within your circle knew. Not even Sylus, which was surprising since both of you practically live under the same roof. It’s easy to tell whether one of you is acting odd in front of the other, but your case was a little different. Even before you met him, you had been masking your true feelings in front of other people, from friends to family–they didn't know a single thing. At some point, you could even consider this as a skill that no one really has mastered aside from you.
You wanted to keep it that way, to keep it hidden from everybody else, but it’s not that easy to let these things slide under Sylus’ nose. Not when it’s hurting you.
. . .
“You’re not mad, are you?” Your voice sounded hoarse, catching his attention as he looked up at you. His fingers peeling off the plastic material off the bandages as he places them onto the scars that he had cleaned up with your permission. He didn’t answer just yet, letting the silence sink in before shaking his head.
If it weren’t for Mephisto, his reaction to this would have driven you to complete anxiety. Situations like these weren’t something he is dealing with everyday, let alone a beloved going through this as part of their coping mechanism.
As for how he knew from Mephisto, simple. There were days where the mechanical crow would be watching by the tree branch near the window. It would catch small details regarding your state, including the sudden usage of long-sleeves and practically anything to cover up the scars. There were other times where you would tilt certain body parts to hide where the scarring happened. It was no surprise that the moment Mephisto’s eyes catched onto these details, he just had to tell Sylus. After all, it’s not often your behavioural patterns would look out of the ordinary without telling him what’s been going on.
Had you not been so occupied with you battling your own thoughts, you would’ve noticed that Mephisto was watching you all along.
“Who said I’d be mad, sweetie?” His tone was surprisingly soft, not something that you expected. His eyes would glance over at the other scars that were not treated before going back up at you and the one he was tending.
“Well, it’s just…” You paused, trying to collect your thoughts together. “I did something ‘reckless’ without contact. I ended up worrying you, I guess.”
Despite the silence coming back in afterwards, the atmosphere in the room didn’t feel awkward. It was the type of silence that allowed you and Sylus to reflect things through. Sylus wanted to speak, to question more in order to understand you, but he didn’t. He was nowhere good when it comes to comforting people, but he can read the room when it is necessary. This is one of them where it is necessary.
After tending you, he spoke up. “Was there something bothering you that led you to this resort?”. Though his question didn’t come off as a surprise, it was a question you couldn’t really entirely form a proper answer. For as long as you know, you’ve always felt this way. Aside from ignorance and being pushed to the side, there were other events that had affected you mentally. Even if you were to explain now, it would be a lot to take in.
Noticing your hesitance, you felt a gentle and tender rub on the back of your shoulder. When your eyes met with his once again, you noticed that his gaze softened as one of the corners of his lips puckered up into a soft smile. You could’ve sworn you felt like a new hole opened up into your heart that was filled with dread–replacing it with warmth.
“Take your time. I know you’re going through a lot, but don’t worry.” His finger reached out to your cheek, gently wiping the tears that you never catched were slipping down your cheeks already. “We have all the time in this world, and you don’t have to tell me everything if it’s too much.”
Take your time, right.
That’s just what you needed to hear at this exact moment. It wasn’t much, but it felt appropriate to hear it. However, Sylus didn’t stop there as he scooted himself to your side, continuously rubbing the back of your shoulder as he let out a soft hum. He then gently tap your knuckles before his fingers interlocked halfway with yours, as if asking if he can do something. You nodded, watching as he pulled your hand close to his lips before he planted soft kisses on each knuckle–going up to your fingertips. It didn’t take long before he returned them down to your lap.
A knock came up on the door, watching as he stood up and made his way to the door. You didn’t get to see who was at the door since he only opened it slightly, but you could tell it was likely Luke and Kieran. After all, you saw them earlier before returning back to your house.
Once he was done talking to them, you finally had the courage to speak up with what led you to resort to cutting your own skin–alongside with the failed attempts in the past that you did before you met Sylus. You would be lying to yourself if you said you weren’t nervous. This was the first time you ever told somebody about almost practically everything that led you to this resort, especially if that somebody was your beloved. You never even considered how Sylus would feel upon hearing all of this, but you wouldn’t be surprised if he was mad at you or even belittled you for it.
Except that’s not what really happened.
Sylus would be lying to himself if he said that wasn’t a lot to take in, because it was a lot to take in for one day. Although they weren’t all of it, he would’ve never expected that you would be going through all of that for the past years or so even way before he met you. Had he noticed a little earlier on, he would’ve done something. However, that won’t matter much since what he needs to prioritize is listening and helping you. After all, he can’t bear to see you suffer alone in situations like this, let alone hide your problems and feelings from him.
With another wipe of your tears off from your cheek, he had both of his arms open–as if asking for permission if he can hug you. When you nodded, he didn’t hesitate to wrap both of them under your arms before pulling you onto his lap and letting yourself get comfortable for a moment.
“I’m sorry that those things happened to you. It must be complicated to really go through situations like that and have no one to talk to. I… never realized how you kept such thoughts hidden until it’s hurting you.” You didn’t notice it, but he was frowning at the thought of you getting badly ignored that it’s hurting both you physically and mentally. No amount of words can even lay his concern for you upon hearing your story. He wouldn’t even wish this upon his greatest enemy.
“I’m no good at comforting, but I do want to let you know that you’re more than welcome to share your burdens with me.” He would gently rub your back and shoulders together as he started to whisper softly close to your ear.
“I can’t risk losing you, let alone making you suffer. It…” His voice slowly fades, trying to think of something else to add. Then he shook his head.
“Just because others are going through something doesn’t mean yours will be any less. You don’t have to seek comfort in pain when there will be others who are here for you. In fact, I will hear you.” He gently cupped your face as he placed his forehead on you, making sure you can not only hear the sincerity in his tone, but also see his eyes. His eyes speak more than for his words. The way they’re soft despite how sharp and tensed his gazes usually are. The way he stares at you wasn’t forced, it had the sense of warmth and comfort.
“I will listen and do anything to make you feel better. I’ll serve as a distraction, if that is what you also want.”
And when he ended it off with a small yet soft smile, that was the complete breaking point that made you cry on his shoulders again. He didnt push you away. If anything, he gently rubbed your back and continued to comfort you, humming a tune that you weren’t familiar with. His voice surprisingly felt calming and appropriate for this moment.
“And if you think your presence doesn’t serve a purpose, then I wouldn’t be here today with you, in my arms.”