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Eddie Diaz had a really shitty year.
Scratch that. Eddie had the worst year known to man; he had an affair with his ex-wife’s doppelgänger, Christopher moved to Texas after catching Eddie with said doppelgänger, he was forced to work under a bigot for months. Eddie also got dumped, though he wasn’t really torn up about that part.
The point is, Eddie had a terrible year, and he had no interest in celebrating it. But for some reason, here he is, at a New Year’s Party watching all of his loved ones have a great time while he skulks on the couch.
After months of waiting, Bobby and Athena’s house had finally been built, just in time for the holidays. To celebrate, they decided to host a New Year’s Eve-slash-housewarming party. It worked out perfectly, as B-shift had already drawn the short straw and was assigned to work that night.
That’s where Eddie is now. He sits on the couch, nursing a drink while everyone else celebrates. Bobby, Athena, and May are at the fireplace, taking a selfie that Bobby is smiling all-too-wide for. Chimney and Maddie are at the snacks table talking to Hen and Karen, while their kids stuff their faces with sugary goods. Even Ravi’s having a good time, standing off in a corner, flirting with a Tinder date he brought at the last minute.
Eddie so, so badly wishes he could be happy. He’s glad to see his team — his family, really — celebrate this year’s wins. They deserve it. But at the same time, all Eddie can think of is Christopher. It was hard enough to be apart for Christmas, and now Eddie has to ring in the new year without him.
Eddie blinks back tears. No, he wasn’t going to cry in the middle of a party. He’s going to sit here and drink his eggnog and shove down his feelings like an adult, damnit.
He surveys the party again. He notices everyone is present, except for –
“Eddie!”
Out of nowhere, Buck collapses on the couch next to Eddie, throwing an arm around him. In one hand, he has a beer (his third, if Eddie’s counting correctly) and in the other, he has his phone.
“Say cheese!” Buck exclaims. Before Eddie can process it, Buck turns on the flash and snaps a picture of the two of them.
“Agh!” Eddie rubs his eyes.
Beside him, Buck stares at his screen, admiring the photo. “Aw,” he says. “This is a really good one.”
“I wish I could see it, except I’m blind now.”
“So, Mr. Diaz,” Buck starts, slurring his words ever so slightly, “would you like to tell me why you’re being a sad sack on the couch, when you could be hanging out with the rest of us?”
Eddie shrugs. “What do you mean? I’m having fun.” He weakly waves his hands in the air. “Woo.”
“That’s the saddest ‘woo’ I’ve ever heard.”
“Alright, you caught me. I’m miserable.”
Buck quickly sobers up. “Is it Chris?”
Damn. Either Eddie is ridiculously easy to read, or Buck just knows him really well. He’s willing to bet it’s the latter.
Eddie nods. “Yeah,” he says. “I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“Have you tried calling him?”
“No, my mom’s throwing this big New Year’s party,” Eddie says, hanging his head. “Chris is probably having a great time. I don’t want to interrupt.”
Buck puts his hand on Eddie’s leg. “I know how much you miss Chris,” he says. “You know I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
Suddenly, panic shoots through Eddie’s body. The thing is, he does know Buck is there for him. However, he also knows that he’s completely and madly in love with Buck.
In hindsight, it was obvious. For seven years, Buck has been at Eddie’s side through it all; shootings, well collapses, raising Christopher together. But it wasn’t until he talked to an attractive Catholic priest about juice (seriously, what was this year?) that Eddie discovered his own feelings. He’s gay, and he’s in love with Buck. But Eddie can never tell him.
Buck is the one good, constant thing in Eddie’s life. If his track record is any indication, he’s going to screw everything up and drive Buck away. And Eddie couldn’t bear it if he lost Buck. He’s already lost Christopher. Losing Buck would be…God, he can’t even think about it. No, Eddie’s not going to tell Buck how he feels. He’s going to do what he does best: deny that he has any feelings whatsoever.
“Uh,” Eddie starts to say, standing up. “I should go home.”
Buck looks up at him, his eyes round and sad. “What? Why?”
“I’m being sad and mopey. I’m bringing everyone else down.”
“That’s not true.”
Ravi walks by, sipping a cocktail, and says, “It’s a little true.”
“Shut up, Ravi!” Buck calls after him. When he’s out of earshot, Buck looks back up at Eddie. “Do you want me to come with you?”
Yes, Eddie thinks. He wants Buck to follow him wherever he goes. But if he’s going to try to keep his feelings in check, he can’t be with Buck right now.
“No, no,” Eddie says. “You should stay. Have fun for the both of us.”
“But I don’t want you to be alone at midnight.”
“It’s okay, Buck. Really,” Eddie insists. “I think I need to be alone.”
Buck silently nods. The look on his face reminds Eddie of a kicked puppy.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Eddie says, trying to cheer him up. “I’ll see you next year.”
Buck cracks a small smile. “I’ll see you next year.”
Eddie squeezes Buck’s shoulder then heads for the door. Don’t look back, don’t look back, he chants to himself. But he can’t help it. At the door, he sneaks a glance over at Buck. He’s still on the couch, looking down at his phone. If Eddie were a braver man, he’d go over to Buck and kiss him. Part of him desperately wants to, but…
But Eddie’s not brave.
He pushes the door open and leaves.
Later that night, Eddie sits in front of his TV with a beer. He channel surfed for a while, looking for something to watch, but all that was on were New Year’s Eve specials hosted by celebrities he didn’t recognize. Finally, Eddie found a channel playing When Harry Met Sally. At first, he thought it’d be a silly rom-com to turn his brain off to. But now, he’s over an hour in, and he’s very invested.
“God, these people are idiots!” Eddie yells at the screen. “They’ve been friends for years and they’re still not together? That would never happen.”
Suddenly, Eddie’s phone starts ringing. He expects it to be Buck, who’s been texting him all the photos he’s taken at the party. But when Eddie sees the caller ID, it’s not Buck’s name. It’s Christopher’s.
Eddie freezes. He and Christopher have only talked during their scheduled weekly FaceTimes. He wonders why Chris would just call out of the blue. Of course, Eddie could always answer and ask him himself.
He accepts the call, and Christopher’s face fills his screen. He’s in Eddie’s old bedroom — Chris’s bedroom now, technically — and there’s muffled party noises in the background.
“Hey, dad.”
Eddie waves at the camera. “Hi, Chris,” he says. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I just wanted to say happy new year’s, or whatever,” Chris mumbles, not meeting Eddie’s eyes.
Eddie looks at the time and realizes it’s already midnight in El Paso. “Oh, thanks, bud. Happy new year’s,” he says. The conversation hits an awkward lull after that, so Eddie adds, “How’s the party?”
“It’s okay, I guess,” Christopher answers. “Abuela’s being a hostess-zilla. She keeps running around trying to get everyone to use coasters.”
Eddie huffs out a laugh. “Yep, that sounds like her, alright.”
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing much. I’m just at home watching a movie.”
“You’re not at Captain Nash’s party?”
Eddie furrows his eyebrows. “How do you even know about that?”
“Buck’s been texting me pictures nonstop tonight,” Chris says, then he smiles a little. “He sent one of the two of you. Your eyes were all big and scared.”
“I was at the party earlier, but I left. I, uh…” Eddie’s voice trails off. “I’m not really in the mood to celebrate.”
Christopher makes sudden, unexpected eye contact. “Is it because of me?”
“What? Chris, I –”
“Dad?” Chris pushes impatiently.
Eddie hesitates for a moment, then says, “It’s because of me. And how much I miss you.”
“I…I miss you, too,” Chris says softly.
“Really?” Eddie asks. It’s the most he’s gotten out of Christopher since he’s left. He grins, and decides to test the waters. “Well, maybe I can go visit you sometime. We can hang out, you can teach me how to play chess –”
“I want to go home.”
Eddie stares at Christopher, stunned. It’s the very thing that he’s wanted to hear for months, but he doesn’t trust that it’s actually happening. “You what?”
“I’m sick of Texas. Abuela’s always hovering, trying to be my friend. And the weather’s hot and sticky. Unless it’s winter, then it’s freezing. I-I…” Christopher sighs, and there’s tears in the corners of his eyes. “I made a mistake coming here. I’m sorry.”
Eddie sees his son, crying in the room he spent countless nights doing the same thing, and his heart breaks. “Oh, Chris,” he starts, “you don’t have to be sorry. I should’ve never let you go in the first place.”
“So, I can come back?”
“Of course you can,” Eddie says immediately. “If you want, I can drive to El Paso right now and get you.”
Chris rolls his eyes, like he’s done several times before, though this time there’s a hint of fondness. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Alright, fine,” Eddie concedes. “But first thing tomorrow, I’m calling your grandparents to tell them you’re coming home next week. Okay?”
“Okay. Thanks, dad,” Christopher says, smiling. “There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.”
“What is it?” Eddie asks.
“What’s going on with you and Buck?”
Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up. “What do you mean?”
“Dad, c’mon. Ever since Buck broke up with Temu –”
“Tommy.”
“Whatever,” Chris grunts. “Ever since they broke up, all Buck does is hang out with you. And then he talks to me about it, which is kinda gross.”
“Chris, nothing’s happening with me and Buck,” Eddie says.
“But you want something to happen.”
Damn, Eddie thinks. He’s a smart kid. Definitely didn’t get that from me.
“That’s, uh, not the…” Eddie babbles. Christopher stares him down, and Eddie’s resolve crumbles. “I do want something to happen.”
“I think that’s great.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, dad. You’re gay, and that’s okay,” Christopher teases, then his expression softens. “And you liking Buck? I saw that coming a long, long time ago. Have you told him yet?”
Eddie shakes his head. “No,” he says. “I haven’t found the right time yet.”
Christopher scoffs. “You’re kidding. You’re together 24/7.”
“It’s not that simple, Chris.”
“Then explain it to me. I’ll try my hardest to keep up,” Christopher counters.
The sass? Yeah, that he got from me.
“There’s no guarantee Buck feels the same way. And even if he did, we’d probably break up. I’ve messed up every relationship I’ve been in. I’ll do something wrong, or Buck will get sick of me, and I’ll be alone.” His voice cracks at the end, and he tries to disguise it as a cough.
Christopher doesn’t seem to buy it. “Dad, listen to me,” he instructs. “It didn’t work out with your girlfriends because they were girlfriends. And Buck would never get sick of you. He’s, like, obsessed with you.”
“He is, isn’t he?”
Christopher raises an eyebrow. “Don’t get cocky. You’re not any better.”
Eddie laughs. He’s missed Christopher making fun of him.
“Dad, I know this is hard for you to believe, but you deserve to be happy,” Chris continues. “So, stop getting in your own way and talk to Buck.”
Eddie takes Christopher’s words in, then says, “You’re right.”
“I know I am.”
“I need to talk to Buck,” Eddie says. “Thanks for the pep talk, Chris. I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll sort out all the details to bring you back.”
“Hurry,” Chris urges. “Abuela’s trying to get me to go to Catholic school, and the uniforms are really ugly.”
“I’ll get you out of there soon.”
Eddie hangs up and calls Buck, but he doesn’t pick up. So Eddie tries calling again. And again. And several agains later, Buck still doesn’t pick up.
“Damnit, Buck,” Eddie mutters under his breath. Of all the times Buck could choose to not answer the phone, now is when he does it?
Eddie types out a dozen potential texts, but he settles on ‘Hey. Can we talk?’ and hits send. After he does, Eddie feels like a total idiot. If Buck’s not answering his calls, why would he answer a text? Especially one as lame as that one.
Eddie can’t just sit around and wait for Buck to respond. He has to see him. Now.
He’s had a couple of drinks, so driving is out of the question. He’ll just order an Uber. Eddie types Bobby and Athena’s address into the app, and — damn. Who would’ve thought that ordering an Uber at eleven o’clock on New Year’s Eve would be so expensive?
Eddie runs through other ways he could get to the party — calling B-shift to pick him up in the fire truck briefly crosses his mind — but there’s only one logical solution.
He slams his front door shut and takes off running down the street.
Eddie’s sure he looks like a complete lunatic running at full-speed in the middle of Los Angeles. But he doesn’t care. All that matters is that he gets to Buck as soon as possible. And that he doesn’t get hit by a car on the way there.
After running for God knows how long, Eddie finally makes it to Bobby and Athena’s house. He stands outside the front door, hunched over and panting. He takes a moment to catch his breath, then he straightens himself up and knocks.
After a couple seconds, Eddie hears shuffling footsteps, and Bobby opens the door. “Hey, Eddie.” He gives Eddie a once-over, taking in his disheveled state, and frowns. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just…I need to talk to Buck. Is he still here?”
“Yeah, come in,” Bobby says, stepping aside.
Eddie walks into the house. Everyone turns to look at him, studying him and whispering to each other. All except Buck, who’s at the snacks table devouring a cupcake.
Eddie makes a beeline for Buck. He taps his shoulder, and Buck turns around, his eyes wide and frosting smudged on his upper lip. “Eddie?”
Eddie stares at him, trying to form words. “I tried calling you, but you didn’t pick up.”
“My battery died from taking pictures,” Buck explains. “Why were you calling?”
Eddie turns and sees the rest of the team is not-so-subtly trying to listen in on their conversation. A bunch of gossips, Eddie thinks. He looks back at Buck and asks, “Can we talk in private?”
“Sure,” Buck says, a little confused. He and Eddie go to the kitchen, away from everyone’s prying eyes. “Okay, you’re kind of freaking me out, Eds. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Everything’s great, actually,” Eddie says. He breaks out in a huge smile. “Christopher’s coming back.”
Buck’s jaw drops. “What? Are you serious?”
Eddie nods eagerly. “Yeah. He called to say that he misses me and that he wants to come home.”
“Oh, Eddie!” Buck pulls Eddie into a tight bear hug. “That’s great! I’m so happy for you.”
Eddie relaxes in Buck’s embrace. He rests his head on Buck’s shoulder, and feels Buck’s warm body against his. It’s nice, comfortable. Eddie would stay there forever if he wasn’t on a mission. He pulls away from the hug, and says, “Also, I’m gay.”
“Oh.”
Eddie stares at Buck, gauging his reaction. He’s surprised, that’s for sure. If Eddie had x-ray vision, he’s pretty sure he’d see the gears in Buck’s head come to a screeching halt. He’s silent for a long, awkward beat, so Eddie decides to fill the silence.
“Yeah,” he continues. “I figured it out a few weeks ago. I talked to a priest about juice, and I realized I’m gay.”
Buck looks at Eddie, floored. “I…don’t really know what all that means, but wow. Congrats!” He pauses, then asks, “But why didn’t you tell me before?”
Eddie swallows the lump forming in his throat. “Because,” he starts, shyly ducking his head, “telling you I’m gay would’ve meant telling you that…that I think I love you.”
“What?”
“No, no,” Eddie locks eyes with Buck. “I don’t think. I know. I love you. Buck. Not in a dumb ‘I-love-you-like-a-brother’ way. I’m in love with you.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“How about ‘I love you, too’?”
“Eddie, I’m happy you had this big personal breakthrough…”
“But?”
Buck purses his lips in a thin, worried line. “But I just got dumped because, apparently, your first isn’t your last,” he says weakly. “I don’t want that to happen to us.”
Eddie laughs dryly. “Buck, c’mon. What you and Temu — uh, Tommy — had is nothing like what you and I have.”
“Eddie –”
Eddie takes a step forward and grabs Buck’s hands. “You’re my best friend, my partner,” he says. “You were the first person who saw me — not my flaws or all the ways I’ve failed — but me. And I see you too, Buck. I know you have a big heart and you’re terrified of being too much. But you’re not. You’re perfect. And if you let me, I’ll remind you of that every day for the rest of my life.”
Back in the living room, Eddie hears the team start the countdown to midnight. “Ten.”
“Buck, I need you to say something.”
“Nine.”
Buck shrugs sheepishly. “You’re confused. I’m the only other queer guy you know, and you’re just coming out –”
“Eight.”
Eddie rolls his eyes. “You’re the least confusing thing in my life.”
“Seven.”
“What if dating messes things up with us?”
“Six.”
“It won’t. We’re Buck and Eddie. We’re solid.”
“Five.”
“Well, what if Christopher doesn’t want us together? He has to come first.”
“Four.”
“He’s fine with it. He’s the one who told me to talk to you.”
“Three.”
“But –”
“Two.”
“Buck, will you please just kiss me already?”
“One.”
Buck grabs the collar of Eddie’s shirt and pulls him into a passionate kiss. He kisses Eddie with his hands, his tongue, his teeth. And Eddie kisses him back with just as much enthusiasm.
Kissing Buck is better than Eddie imagined. It’s the best kiss Eddie’s ever had. It’s like one of those big, dramatic end-of-movie kisses, with fireworks and music swelling in the background. It feels like a dream, and Eddie’s not entirely convinced it’s not.
Eddie leans back so he can see Buck’s face. “I love you,” he repeats.
Buck chuckles. “I love you more.”
“Not possible.”
“I’ll fight you on this.”
Eddie smiles. “And I’ll win.” Then he kisses Buck again, deeply and tenderly.
It’s true, last year was incredibly shitty. But it all led here, to this moment right now. And even though he’s only about a minute into the new year, Eddie has a feeling it’s going to be infinitely better than the last.