Chapter Text
Even with the necessary accommodations, joining Starfleet was much harder than I had expected. I barely scraped through the Academy but was finally given my first proper assignment—a position as ensign aboard a ship called Voyager. I thought it would be a great start to a long, fulfilling career but then we were pulled to the far side of the galaxy—too far to get home before I become an old woman, if I live that long.
I've settled quite comfortably in my new position, despite the solitude of being so far from home. The Maquis also took some time to settle, but in the months—years—God, it's hard to believe it's already been over two years—since they joined our crew, it's almost as though they've been with us all along.
I spend some of my off-hours in the holodeck. With a little help from Ensign Kim, I managed to build a small program of some land near my childhood home. I programmed it with different seasons and times of day so that I could enjoy both a warm summer day with the comforting whirr of cicadas in the trees and the crunch of frosted grass underfoot.
I also took on some extra duties in the mess hall, working alongside Neelix once a week. The oldest of four siblings, I learned how to cook when I was young. I grew a fondness for it and gladly offered up my skills when the Talaxian took over the galley.
Choosing a specialty took me longer than expected. I tried to help the EMH Doctor early on because we didn't have medical staff, but my first encounter with something worse than a phaser burn made me ill, so I continued to try my hand at other things until I found my niche.
Helping Kes with hydroponics was also a no-go. I couldn't keep anything green alive at home, so it wasn't as much a surprise as it was a disappointment.
When I found that my interest in astrophysics better suited me as a hobby, I forwent the science division altogether and ended up settling in Operations. I enjoy solving problems and I've always found that data is easier for me to understand than people, so it turned out to be the perfect fit.
On that note, I’ve noticed that I’ve been a little disconcerting to several of my crewmates for some reason. I used to find it difficult to distinguish, but I've learned to pick out the uncomfortable shift in demeanor when I'm "too much" for others. Of the crewmen I spend the most time with, whether through work or in my leisure time, only two are effortless for me to get along with: Ensign Harry Kim, who seems to get along with everyone, and Ensign Vorik, a Vulcan who doesn't appear to be bothered by my eccentricities and is content to work in silence without making insipid small talk.
This brings me to my current dilemma.
I believe I have developed an... infatuation with Vorik. I thought that familiarizing myself with him more could rid me of my crush—my mom always said, "A crush is just a lack of knowledge," and in the past this method has worked for me.
Unfortunately, becoming more familiar with the Vulcan has not done anything to decrease my interest in him. In fact, I'm afraid it's further piqued my interest.
I try to speak with Harry about it at lunch, but he isn't much help. He suggests I talk to Lieutenant Tuvok.
I shake my head, feeling a light flush of my cheeks. "I couldn't possibly bother him with something so... human."
Harry laughs. "I thought you aced your Xenoanthropology course, Ro. They have such a deep understanding of emotions that they have names for every single one."
My blush deepens. "Also he's a senior officer," I add. "He’s hardly spoken two words to me, a-and he's busy." Not to mention the embarrassment of explaining my frivolous crush on a Vulcan.
He snorts. "Sounds like you're just making excuses not to talk about it."
"...to a Vulcan," I specify.
He narrows his eyes. "It's not Tuvok, is it? Because you know he's married."
I almost spit out my drink. "God, no!" The blush has returned with a vengeance. "I just..." I groan in exasperation. Then I lean closer and lower my voice. "If I tell you who it is, can you promise not to tell anyone? This is just really embarrassing and stupid."
His mouth quirks up in an amused smile. "I promise I won't tell anyone."
I don't know why, but I feel the need to keep my mouth from moving too obviously, as though someone could read my lips. I mutter through closed teeth, "It's Vorik."
Harry blinks in surprise, then raises his eyebrows in understanding. "Oh... Yeah, that makes sense, actually."
Uh-oh. "What makes sense?"
He gestures to all of me. "All of it," he answers. Then he counts with his fingers. "The hesitation to talk to a Vulcan about it, the crush itself, your embarrassment... Oh, and the questions you were asking him the last couple times we ate together. Honestly, I thought that was a bit weird. You never ask questions and I've had to learn that you just want me to chime in with my thoughts without being asked. You just cleared up a whole lot."
I blanch. "God, I hope my asking him questions wasn't too obvious."
He shakes his head. "I doubt it. They were normal questions. Just... not normal for you, Rowan."
I nervously rub my lower lip. "So... any other suggestions? I can't go on with these ridiculous feelings. I can't possibly expect him to return them."
Harry eyes me pensively, then says, "I can discreetly ask Lieutenant Tuvok about it for you, if you want. I'll keep it anonymous, so word doesn't get around if I’m overheard, and see what his thoughts are on the matter."
I bite my lip, my stomach churning nervously. "I... suppose that could work."
He smirks a little. "What would you like advice on? Whether it's futile, how to get over it, or how to get his attention?"
I blush again. "All of it? I hate to hold out hope if there is none, but..."
"On the off chance," he finishes, stabbing a vegetable with his fork. "I get it. I'll get back to you." He pops the bite in his mouth.
"Thanks, Harry." I end up offering him the uneaten portion of my meal; my stomach is doing somersaults and I can't even think about eating anymore.