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When his mom said his dad and her would be spending new year's eve at Kenma's aunt's, the first thing he did was texting Kuroo.
To be fair, he didn't really see the point of making such a big deal about that specific night. Gathering people they had just seen a week ago for Christmas, wearing colorful underwear for specific wishes to come true, eating grapes under tables and skipping waves, all of that just for a number on the date to change.
Life would still be the exact same after midnight and everyone would come home to the same bills and worries that they had promised they would get rid off this past year.
Plus, he didn't want to see the all his relatives and cousins again. No. Not for the second time in a month. He'd rather hang out in his room, all by himself, playing videogames all night since he wasn't really a party person.
Pretty ironic, since he was at Bokuto's sideyard, sat on the grass and wrapped around a blanket with his PSP in hands, hearing the loud background noises of his teammates laughing and talking inside the house right behind him.
The night wasn't that cold when he decided he needed a break from the crowd and went outside for fresh air, but a slow blow of the wind had been enough to make him come back inside and send Kuro on a mission to bring him the fluffiest blanket from Bokuto's parents' closet.
That was the exact reason he was here.
Not the blanket. Kuro.
The truth was Kenma didn't have the courage to say no to his best friend. Not when he could feel his excitement through the screen, asking if he would want to spend New Year's Eve at Bokuto's instead, like all his teammates and friends from Fukurodani were planning to do.
They wouldn't really throw a party, he said. Just a simple game night as an excuse to gather everyone and spend the night together when most of their parents were out traveling.
Kenma's first reaction was to decline the invitation. He was about to press the 'send' button on his phone and shove a dry and simple 'Pass' right on Kuroo's face when his fingers froze.
He couldn't say no. Not this time. This time was different. This time was...
...special.
Kenma wasn't a party person. He didn't get the point of gathering everyone just for a tiny number on his lock screen to change. He didn't understand how that night could be special at all, it was just another night like all the others.
Maybe that's why he felt his chest aching when he remembered why it was so important for him to be there.
It wasn't for the event itself. Neither for his friends, or the food or the drinks.
Not all friends at least. For a specific one. A single person that he held so dear to his heart and was making him go insane.
Kuro would be leaving next year.
The way the last weeks of school went by had brought a weird taste to Kenma's mouth.
Every time he walked in the building with his best friend by his side, he knew something was different.
Every time he saw Kuro talking so excitedly to the teachers or in the cafeteria chatting with his classmates, or when Kenma walked out the school to see him waiting next to the entrance so they could walk home together.
Whenever Kuro refused a gaming session to study and Kenma had to drag himself to his house instead with his PSP so they wouldn't be apart, he felt it.
Whenever he listened to him ramble about his grades and uni applications, he felt it.
Whether it be at school, with Kuro checking the notes on the pinboard for the dates of the national exams, at home, when Kenma would catch him yawning after no longer than twenty minutes after changing from their uniforms, or at practice, when the captain would proudly speak about how great he felt for having each one in the team and how much he would miss everyone, he felt it.
It didn't matter where Kenma was or what he was doing, whenever he looked at Kuro he could see something that wasn't there before, something that hurt him deeply, a feeling that washed over his brain and made him feel threatened and scared and made his chest ache physically.
Kuro would be leaving next year.
The harsh truth would pierce through his lungs and make his heart skip a beat, the crude feeling of desperation and anxiety just from the thought of not having his best friend right by his side was terrifying.
The same feeling that washed over him while he deleted the text and swapped it for a confirmation instead.
He couldn't say no. Not this time.
This time was different, This time was special, this time was terrifying.
Kenma was terrified.
He sipped from the energy drink that was sitting right by his side on the ground, scrunching his nose at the taste. The game was starting to get him bored and his toes were curled under the blanket from the cold feeling. He didn't want to go back inside though. He didn't have the guts to face all of the teammates that would be leaving for college by February, all of his opponents that he wouldn't compete against anymore.
He didn't have the guts to see Kuro right now.
It was selfish and childish, he knew it.
But maybe he didn't care.
Kuro meant something different for him. He couldn't look inside other people's heads nor know what they thought, so he couldn't tell if his experience with friendship was any similar to theirs.
Kenma didn't think so.
It had always been hard for him to blend in, from his point of view at least. He remembered hearing teachers talking to his parents at school about how he didn't seem interested in playing with the other kids and didn't make an effort to socialize.
"He will grow out of it." They said. "Eventually. He will be fine, but keep an eye on him still for any other signs."
He didn't understand the issue at the time, nor what any of that meant.
The thing it's he didn't turn out 'fine'. Kids would give him weird looks at recess and wouldn't talk to him during lunch. Not that Kenma paid mind to it at all, actually. He wasn't interested on making any friends if those were to be his friends. However, he felt jealous.
Until he met Kuro.
He had never felt the urge to befriend anyone, but the sudden warmth of Kuro's hand tickled his heart, leaving baby Kenma asking himself if everyone felt like he was feeling, if all friendships were like that or if it was just Tetsuro.
He remembered crying when they were apart, only stopping when he heard that familiar voice running towards him sounding as teary as his. How Kuro would slam his door open and order him to get up so they could play, somehow always succeeding even when Kenma was at his grumpiest state. He remembered the sound of Kuro's giggles when they played by the creek, throwing rocks in the water and rolling on the grass - and how Kenma hated the itchiness after it.
His whole life, all he had known was Tetsuro. Kuro. Apart from his parents, he was all Kenma had when it came to relationships of all kinds. Kuro took care of him. He always had, since they were little kids at the creek until now. It was him who listened to his complains when he wanted to quit volleyball even though it meant so much to him. Kuro would scold him for not eating his vegetables and going to bed late at night and never got mad when Kenma needed help with his chemistry's assignments and didn't mind making analogies if that was what it took for him to understand.
Kuroo Tetsuro. His best friend. To whom he was attached at the hip, to whom he owned a couple of bucks, the one he wouldn't trade even for all the Steam gift cards in the world.
His best friend that wouldn't be there next year.
His eyes glanced up to the sky.
He didn't know what time it was, but soon it would be full of shiny and colorful sparks. Kenma frowned. He hated fireworks. Specifically the loud and noisy ones. The sparkles were fine, but they'd lose their charm after the first minute and along with the explosions and it all would become an overwhelming show for him.
He thought about going back inside, to hide from the fireworks, to see Kuro, that was the reason he was here after all. But he didn't need to move. The door opened behind him, making his head tilt back instinctively.
He didn't know whether to internally curse the skies or to thank them as Kuroo walked towards him and sat by his side on the grass like he had been called.
Like he knew. He probably knew.
Kenma set the game aside, lifting the blanket for Kuroo to snuggle closer to him, wrapping them both in that comfortable warmth. Their hips and shoulders touched and he could see a soft smile on the other's lips and that for some reason sent a shiver down his spine.
"What time is it?" Kenma muttered.
"About 11:30pm. You tired yet? We can go home of you want to." Kuroo said softly onto his hair, nose digging into the bleached strands and inhaling the sweet smell of Kenma's shampoo.
"It's fine. I can wait." He took a sip from the energy drink can, instantly getting side-eyed by his best friend.
"Hey! Isn't it too late for you to be drinking that? You're not planning on staying up all night today, are you?" Kuroo grabbed the can from Kenma's hands and received a grumpy yelp before leading it to his own lips to take a sip. "Don't you hate this stuff? I've never seen you drink it willingly." Kenma heard him hum and then the can was retrieved to his hand. Kenma looked away.
"It's disgusting. It makes me sleepier for some reason, though. Rebound effect or something." He felt Kuroo's breath hitting the crown of his head and couldn't help but lean closer, letting his head drop onto the other's shoulder and taking a deep breath. Feeling the warmth of Kuroo's body against his own felt like a familiar feeling flowing through his veins. It all felt so natural.
"Kenma." Kuroo called after some minutes and Kenma watched as his Adam's apple bobbed as he spoke "Why did you lie when I invited you to my graduation?"
Kenma froze. "Who told you?"
"Your mom. I asked if you were feeling better and she said you didn't complain about any headache at all." Kuroo chuckled and Kenma could feel those hazel eyes on him. He sighed. He didn't mean to sigh, but he knew at the end of the day it was Kuro the one he could count on. Even if he was the reason of all Kenma's worries right now.
And he couldn't hide anything from his best friend for too long.
He didn't want to admit it out loud, though. That's because Kenma himself didn't know how to put into words what exactly happened that night. Kuro was leaving and he would be all by himself, and that scared him so much he couldn't even describe.
When he got the text about the ceremony on the night before it would happen, all he wanted to do was scream.
Scream and hide, hide with him, grab his Kuro by the hand and run away to the mountains to a place far far away where they could be together, where they could be safe.
Where Kenma could be safe.
Kenma hated lying. Specially to Kuro. But when he read those words on his screen, he couldn't think of anything else to do. A weird shiver rushed down his spine and just like in a horror movie, he felt threatened for his life. Except there was no one after him, but Kenma couldn't help but feel like a prey, like he was being chased.
He felt like the most precious thing in his life was slipping through his fingers like and all he could do was watch.
That night Kenma had one of the worst panic attacks he ever had. He wouldn't be able to be there for Tetsuro even if he wanted to. But he didn't want to.
He didn't want to watch Kuro walk up the stage and leave with his degree in hand, or the families crying and beaming proudly about their now grown children. He didn't want to sit there and see all of the teammates and people that he wouldn't see again next year at lunch.
He didn't want to face reality. It would hurt too much. Even more than it already did. So he lied.
Kenma's lips parted, but the words didn't come out. He didn't want to answer to that question, he didn't even have the answer to it. Luckily, Kuroo seemed to have noticed, because he immediately started talking.
"It's okay, just tell me next time that you don't want to go. I missed you there."
Kenma felt a knot in his stomach. Always so understanding, always so calm and patient with him. Kuro was everything he could ever ask for. He felt so appreciated and cared for when they were around each other and that feeling bubbled so warm inside his chest he never wanted it to stop.
But it would. Next year.
He felt an arm gently wrap around his shoulder, so reliable and honest that only then he realized that he had been staring at the grass for what must have been a while.
"You're leaving, Kuro." Kenma blurted out. The can was now back at his lips, then back at it's spot by his side on the ground. He felt a light squeeze to his arm, followed by a soft peck on his forehead. Kuroo knew.
Kenma felt like they had reached a point in their relationship that they were able to absorb at least a little of how the other one was feeling. They were connected, a kind of bond so intimate and honest that only the two of them could decipher the other's expressions and thoughts, a pattern known only to them that would be forever carved into their hearts.
"I saw you that night. When I was coming back from the groceries. I saw you opening the window to take a breath. You seemed off." Kuroo's voice was soft, almost a whisper, and Kenma felt fingers brushing against his arm before his body even had time to tense up again. "We'll be fine. I'm not gone forever. We'll still meet on weekends and I'll call you over whenever I can, even walk you home after practice sometimes."
It was true. Kuroo wouldn't even move to the university dorms, he would be still living across Kenma's street just like he did since he was nine.
Kenma knew, logically, that he would still be just some footsteps and a few knocks away from Tetsuro. Still, it felt like he would disappear, leaving Kenma behind to welcome a new stage of his life, with new friends, new hobbies and a massive pile of assignments that would keep him busy for months.
"It won't be the same without you though." Kenma whispered, not realizing he had placed an arm on Tetsuro's leg. "I don't think I will keep playing if you're not there..."
"You're allowed to text me, okay? Whenever you feel like it, even during classes. I'll answer as soon as possible. I'm never letting go off you, Kenma."
He glanced up to find the other's eyes already fixed on him. That's when he saw it. Behind all the fondness expressed through Kuroo's eyes, hiding so well that he could only tell it was there thanks to years of deep conversations and great patter recognition skills, there was something else.
Kuroo was scared too. More than he expected. Maybe more than Kenma himself.
They stared at each other, not a single word being said. Kenma could only feel it when it happened. When they looked into each other's irises and their arms wrapped around each other's bodies so gently yet so desperate, their mouths almost brushing against each other's as they glued their foreheads together with such fondness while their eyes softly closed.
Kenma felt it again. That awful shiver, the feeling of being haunted by something he couldn't get rid off.
He was okay, though. He was with Kuro. He had Kuroo in his arms and he would not let him go. He was okay. They were okay.
Not only they were together, but also experiencing the same weird sensation. The same worries, the same fear. He could feel it. In how Kuroo's arms squeezed him, afraid he was going to vanish anytime soon, in how his fingers trembled against Kenma's sides, in the way his breath seemed heavy, almost like he was struggling to find oxygen in the air.
They shared something, and they could finally realize it after so many years of sleepovers and late night talks, after many forehead kisses after practice and unspoken words, after all that time.
"I think I love you, Kenma." Tetsuro whispered finally, not a hint of hesitation in his voice. "You know i do, actually. I tell you that every week since we were kids. It's different this time, I think you know what I mean." He said with a soft chuckle, not opening his eyes just yet.
Kenma didn't say a thing. His eyes were still closed as well and his hand was comfortably resting on the nape of Kuroo's neck. The feeling of their breaths mixing right in front of him, the warmth of his best friends body squeezed against his own, his arms wrapped around his back and waist, it was all so overwhelming in such a good way that he didn't feel the minutes passing by. Kuroo didn't seem bothered by it anyways.
"I hear them walking to the frontyard, do you want to go back inside? The fireworks might start soon." Kuroo's voice was right by his ear now, low and soft while a hand traveled up and down slowly Kenma's his back. His eyes blinked open, hands cupping Kuroo's cheeks to study his features. The nose, the eyes, the lips.
One hand carefully brushed the black locks from the other's face, watching Kuroo's smile grow slightly while another formed on his own lips, brighter than ever even if it was just a curved line. A smile full of fondness and adoration, full of worry and fear, a smile so happy yet so nervous that Kenma felt his face trembling.
As if he knew what was hiding behind that smile - Kenma knew that he knew - Kuroo cupped his cheeks as well, the warm fingers touching the reddish and cold skin of the sides of his face. "It will be fine, okay? Were gonna figure it out. I'm not leaving you behind."
"Promise?" Kenma stared back into the hazel irises, the only ones he was able to directly look at without feeling like he didn't belong there.
The eyes of Kuro, his best friend, the most important person in Kenma's little world. His best friend that was as scared as him, his best friend that would miss him so much. His best friend that loved and cared for him.
And Kenma loved and would care for him too.
"Unlike someone" Kenma saw Kuroo smirking and scrunched his nose, rolling his eyes "I wouldn't lie to my partner. Not about something like this."
"So we're partners now?" Kenma lifted a brow, and despite feeling his ears a little warmer than before, he had a playful grin on his face.
"If you want to. But I won't be the one labeling it."
A small chuckle escaped Kenma's lips as he pulled Kuroo closer, the other's lips curving upward in a fond smile, almost touching his own.
Kenma still felt anxious. And nervous. And terrified. But he knew more than ever now, that Tetsuro felt like that too.
Kuro felt it too. The shivers, the aches, everything. He also didn't want to face reality as it was.
It was only when he felt the soft warmth of Kuroo's lips pressing gently against his own that Kenma realized he didn't regret coming to the party. When he felt the worries being brushed off him by Kuroo's subtle touch and he blindly watched the other melting under his fingertips, all of the anxiety that haunted their minds being kissed out of them for the smallest period of time.
Kenma would never regret rewriting his text.
The fireworks were loud behind them as they finally pulled away from each other, making Kenma frown for a second because didn't even realize when they had started. His eyes met Tetsuro's, who was already looking at him, the reflection of the colorful sparks making them shine even more.
At that moment, Kenma could feel it. Deep inside his heart, he knew it.
They would overcome that.
Like they always did.
"I love you too, Kuro." Kenma whispered against his partner's lips, a soft hum being heard in response. "I'll miss you so much."
Kuroo's hands gently pressed onto the sides of Kenma's head, protectively covering his ears to muffle the explosion sounds. Despite that, he was able to hear, clearer than ever:
"I'll miss you even more."