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Harry knew it was a bad idea. What was he even thinking? Just because he's in London and single won't make Nick want him, he knows he missed his chance long time ago. He tries not to kiss Nick's forehead when he's leaving his bedroom. He's aware it was only an episode (even though there were lots of them back in 2012). They used to be so close... now they can't even talk to each other, The only thing that remains the same is the way their bodies fit togheter.
He doesn't want to go but he knows that it's something Nick expects him to do; sneak out as if nothing happened, as if it wasn't the first time in four years that they shared the same room, that they touched. If it was up to him he would stay as long as possible, but he's not seventeen anymore and he at least tries to pretend that he knows what's good for him.
When he's finally alone in the cab he wonders if Nick is awake and if he can smell Harry on his duvet (he hopes the smell will linger there for a long time, because his clothes definitely smell like Nick).
*
The thing with the two of them is that they are right for each other but it seems like the time is never on their side. Harry knows that maybe if he knew his feelings a few years ago they would be together, but it's not only about one of them. Nick was ready, but Harry wasn't, now Nick moved on and Harry's still chasing.
*
He didn't have the chance to tell Nick that he's staying in London, properly coming back, not that it would change anything, but just so that he knows Harry's here if he ever needs him.
It's been over a month since he's seen Nick, yet he still feels his fingers on his skin. It gets pretty lonely in his big, empty flat, that's why he used to hang out at Nick's so often.
This morning he wanted to have a coffee but he almost vomitted when he smelled the caffeine. He's been all weird lately now that he thinks of it. He eats a bit more, he gets tired and dizzy more easily and he's moody all the time. Being a sap that he is, he thought that maybe it's because he's moping all the time, but a dangerous thought in the back of his head keeps bothering him more often.
*
Few weeks later it's gotten to the point where his sister drags him to the doctor's. She's stubborn so he can't protest even though he doesn't feel ill. Basic examination revealed nothing so Harry's happy that Gemma will stop complaining, but there's one thing that he knows he has to do.
He goes to the pharmacy when it's already dark outside, he just doesn't want anyone to recognize him. He's so nervous that he can't even say what he wants to the lady working there. She smiles apologetically and hands him the pregnancy test.
When he comes back home he's too afraid to even look at it for almost three hours.
Finally he takes the test and he's never been more impatient in his life, he needs to know the answer now. Deep inside his heart he knows the answer already but he still wants to be sure.
*
He hasn't told anyone outside his family yet, he's too afraid. He knows his friends will support him, but it's not about them, it's about Nick.
"Gemma I can't just tell him!" he sobs.
"Harry he has to know, sooner or later but he has to, it's his" she tries to stay calm and not yell at her brother.
"What am I going to say?! Hey Nick I'm sorry we didn't work out but now we have a baby, surprise!" his fake laugh sounds awful.
"Harry don't be a fucking coward! It's not only your fault, you have to tell him no metter what"
"He's going to hate me even more"
"He doesn't hate you and you know that"
*
He's paranoid, he knows it, but he can't help thinking that everyone is judging him even though they don't even know he's pregnant.
He can't really believe that he is, it's so strange, he's never thought that he will be. Not that he thinks he's not ready, it's just weird being alone with this. Everyone cheers over him, congratulate and stuff but when they ask about the second father their smile usually drops.
It's hard to sort out all of this.
*
Gemma was right, he has to tell him. He didn't have the courage to do it earlier, but now he's standing at Nick's front door, being nearly three months pregnant and heartbroken.
"Harry?" Nick looks tired and surprised.
"Um, I-" he doesn't know what to say. "Can I come in?" he asks.
"What are you-"
"Just please let me in" he begs silently, it's already worse than he imagined.
He doesn't take his coat off because he knows he's not staying here long. Nick's flat is a bit of a mess, Harry wonders if someone's been here, and by someone he means one of Nick's boy-toys.
"So?" Nick prompts.
"I have to tell you something"
"Harry-" he sighs. "We've talked about it, I thought you understand"
"It's not about us Nick" he tries, but then he realizes that it actually is about them. "I mean kinda-"
"Just get to your point Harry"
"We had sex three months ago in this house" he wants to punch himself for being so bad at talking.
"So what?" Nick looks even more tired now, he clearly doesn't understand.
"I'm pregnant" Harry says, feeling kinda relived.
“What?” Nick says, obviously wondering if it’s a joke.
"I've done the test myself, I went to the doctors. I’m pregnant with your child. I can't change it” Nick's eyes drop to Harry's belly. He's not big yet but it's showing.
“You’re joking,” Nick denies, raising his eyebrows.
"I'm not going to repeat myself, I just wanted you to know." he looks at the door. "Thought that maybe you'd want to know when it-" he wants to finish the sentence but saying 'when it's born' seems surreal. "So yeah, I probably have to go now".
Tiny bits of him had hope that Nick will say something reassuring, that he'll comfort Harry and promise to stay with him, but those tiny bits disappear when the door close after him.
*
He can't sleep, he still sees Nick's terrified eyes.
*
4:12 am
from; Nick
can we meet?
Harry's not sleeping, but the sound of his phone scares him for a moment. He ignores the message.
*
7:30 am
from; Nick
please answer Harry, can we meet? It won't take long
He sighs and ignores the message. He puts his cup of juice into the sink and when he looks at his phone again he sees another message.
7:31 am
from; Nick
I'm sorry.
*
"Harry you should text him back" says Anne, rubbing his back. He spends most of the time with her now.
"I don't want to talk to him"
"Don't act like that" she sighs "You're going to ignore him for the rest of your life and pretend you don't have a kid?"
"I told him everything, he just stood there, not even trying to stop me from closing the damn door" he knows he's raising his voice but he can't stay calm about it.
"Honey listen." She says calmly. "Put yourself in his skin, maybe he panicked, you don't hear such news everyday"
"I'm the one being fucking pregnant! I'm the one who has the right to panic!"
*
He doesn't have a chance to text Nick back, because Nick's calling him. He looks at his mother and understands that he has to answer.
"Thank God" is what he hears first from Nick.
"Hello?" he wraps his hands around his growing belly and tries to breath steadily.
"Harry look- just don't interrupt me. I didn't want to go to your house because maybe you don't want to see me and I don't want to be a creep but let me ask you one more time, can we please meet?" this sounds like scripted lyrics.
"I-uh-"
"Please Harry" he begs.
"When do you want to meet?"
"Can we meet now?"
"What do you mean now?" Harry sounds taken aback.
"I'm on your street" Nick says.
"Well now you're not a creep at all..."
"I-"
"I'm not home now."
"I know I meant Anne's house"
"Are you being serious?" Harry moves away from the window so that if Nick is serious he won't see him.
"Can you please come down?"
"I mean, yeah, okay, just-" he runs a hand through his hair. "Give me a second"
He's nervous because he doesn't know what to expect. He puts a jacket on, it's raining and the sky is grey. He can't push himself to open the door and go outside, he can hear car engine.
Finally he walks outside, a shiver runs down his spine. Windows of Nick's car are blurry because of the rain.
"Come in!" yells Nick after opening one of them. Harry hesitates. "I'm not going to kidnap you!" Nick rolls his eyes.
Harry runs to the car and jumps in as fast as possible, not getting wet at all. He can smell Nick's cologne and cigarettes (He thought Nick quit it).
"Hiya"
"Hi" Harry's response is quiet, he pulls his jacket closer to his body. He stares at the front window, he won't look at Nick.
"You look great"
"I look fat" says Harry before he can stop himself.
"Still you look good" in the corner of his eye Harry can see Nick's smiling.
"What do you want?"
"I panicked." Nick is playing with a loose thread of his jeans.
"You're not the one who has the right-"
"Harry stop."
"Wha-"
"I know, I'm a dickhead, I should've said something, I know, I really am fucking aware of it" he looks so small, Harry's never seen him like this. "It's just a lot to take, so unexpected"
"Yeah I-" he's cut off again.
"Are you going to keep it?"
"It's kinda too late to get rid of it" he says sharply, is Nick offering something?
"And you're sure it's mine?"
"Nick what the fuck?! Who do you think I am?!" Harry can't believe Nick asked this.
"Okay, okay! I just needed to be sure!" He explains. Suddenly this car feels too small for both of them.
"Is that all?"
"What? No!" Nick protests. "I really wanted to apologize. I'm so fucking sorry Harry" he sighs and scratches his neck uncomfortably. "How far long are you?"
"Fifteenth week almost"
"Is it- fuck I don't even know what to ask" that's the first time they look at each other.
"And I still don't understand what do you want from me" Harry's so tired with all of this, he can't be angry now.
He jumps a little when Nick touches his thigh. "I just want you to know I'm not going anywhere. You know we have problems with communication, we always kinda fail, but if you ever need me-" he takes a breath as if to stop himself from crying. "I want to be in this child's life, in yours too, I really do and I don't think you can stop me from this"
"I didn't say I don't want you in our lives"
"God it sucks to be an adult" Nick presses his head into the seat and keeps his hands on his forehead. "How are we going to sort this out?"
Harry has his slippers on so he just gets rid of them and curls his legs as far as he can with his belly. He lays his chin on his knees and lets the tears stream down his face. It really sucks to be an adult. "I just want it to be happy, you know? Nothing else"
"We can make it work, huh popstar?"
"Hug me" Harry sniffs and tries not to break when Nick does.
We'll be alright.