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Shintaro could easily tell that Haruka was having a horrible day from the twenty minutes he’d already been in his friend’s hospital room, curled up next to him on the small bed- much to his unspoken objection -with his arms hooked around his shoulders, attempting in vain to deliver whatever shitty reassurance he was capable of. Again, in vain, because every time Haruka’s warm tears would fall onto his neck; every time Haruka would hug Shintaro’s body closer to his, painfully desperate for something or another; every time a broken wail ripped the silent atmosphere around them, Shintaro would give up trying to calm him down until he had to gasp for air, shutting himself up long enough for Shintaro to murmur quiet “it’s okay”s and “i’m here”s.
Though after a while, Shintaro’s arms started to tire, and he let them drop, one cradling Haruka from underneath, the other hanging uselessly from his side. Shaking his head, a low whine bubbling in the back of his throat, Haruka buried his face into the crook of Shintaro’s neck, repeatedly whispering “God is so unfair”, his raspy, worn voice stabbing through Shintaro more than he would ever fully admit. But he kept going, kept working himself up, until he began crying again– sobbing –worrying Shintaro more and more as the seconds ticked.
Haruka, his entire body quivering, looked so distraught- defeated -his eyes wet and filled with something he couldn’t quite make out - fear? agony? anger? -that Shintaro was about to ask him what was going on when he coughed out a weak “I’m going to die.”
He didn’t even wait for a response, hugging Shintaro closer on the bed, shifting around slightly so that he could be face-to-face with him. “I–They told me… Two days ago. I- there’s nothing else that they–” Haruka’s voice broke again “–I don’t want to leave you… I don’t…”
Shintaro had absolutely nothing to say– not as if could with that kind of a bomb dropped onto him. He didn’t believe it– couldn’t–
“You’re… everything that I have left… please. God, please stay with me, Shintaro– I’m begging you.”
Everything came to him in painful surprises– the news and the kiss. As gentle and considerably uneasy his hand was on Shintaro’s cheek, the grasp he had him in was firm– too firm. The hairs on the back of his neck and his arms were standing up- unpleasant shivers were running down his body in tremors - his eyes widened as Haruka’s squeezed shut, pushing himself onto Shintaro until half of his upper body was hovering over him.
Reflexively, Shintaro’s hands flew up to Haruka’s chest to push him away, but he immediately drew back upon remembering the currently-healing scar from another heart surgery from two weeks ago. A cold sweat broke out- Shintaro began squirming, managing to break the one-sided kiss Haruka was trying too hard to deepen before the older teen pressed his lips back against his, lighter his time, pulling up to whisper into his mouth “I don’t want to leave you.”
He was beginning to freak out- never before had he been in a situation like this- never before had Haruka shown such desperation. He’d never had anyone push themselves onto him, even as… not-exactly-innocent but he couldn’t find any ill-intent in it… still. He couldn’t handle this. It didn’t matter if his best friend was breaking down in front of him. It didn’t matter what. Shintaro had his boundaries and his limits that he would keep up to secure whatever little dignity he had to his name. And with that, he was about to push Haruka off of him when he felt something splatter on his cheek and roll down the side of his face. And again. And to the other side of his face.
Looking up to see Haruka pull back slightly, shaking and apologising onto his lips, inching himself away with every strained i’m sorry– looking up to see him accept everything that would come for him, though, hurt more than overstepping personal boundaries. Seeing Haruka give up so quickly…
Without even thinking twice- choosing to stop thinking and simply allow things to happen as they will from this point on -Shintaro sighed, grabbing onto the front of Haruka’s hospital robe and pulling back down, angling his head upward to catch his lips as his first reciprocation.
They stayed there, unmoving, for a matter of seconds, until Shintaro’s hesitation wore out to an urgent sense of it’s for him, compelling him to slide a trembling hand to the back of Haruka’s head, entangling his fingers in his unbrushed hair, which coaxed Haruka enough to be able to ease back into the kiss, void of the hastiness and roughness of earlier. Shintaro, however still slightly unnerved, managed to crawl past his building uneasiness, growing more and more comfortable with kissing Haruka; spoiling Haruka more, more than he ever has; letting Haruka know that, no matter what, he will be here for him; finding himself becoming addicted to something he won’t be able to have for much longer.
It’ll be okay…
No it won’t.